Chapter Nine #3
In as slow of a pace as he could force himself to go, to prevent others from noticing that he was moving with purpose, Jude crossed the entire ballroom.
He reached the doorway and saw Juliana and Demming with their backs to him. Her arm was looped with his. He paused, debating if he would approach them or not, when he heard Juliana speak.
“I would enjoy that very much, my lord.” She patted the man’s arm with her free hand.
Jude found that her words sparked an unrelenting surge of something.
Anger, jealousy, perhaps both. He could storm over to them and pull her away from the man and assert his dominance like a raging bull, but he didn’t wish to acknowledge to anyone that he was so affected.
That would require his acknowledgement of his true feelings.
Instead, he turned and left the terrace.
He didn’t stop until he left the townhouse and called for his carriage.
He didn’t even take the time to thank his hosts, which went against the proper behavior he knew he should display.
Jude had to get away, as he could not allow himself to contemplate the fire that burned within him.
He pushed away his fury at the notion that Juliana might have an interest in courtship from another man, or contemplate taking another lover.
When he reached his townhouse, he went straight to his study, slamming the door. He poured himself a tumbler of brandy and downed it, then refilled his glass. He rubbed his temples and then slammed his fist down on his desk.
Jude wasn’t sure what bothered him more. That every fiber of his being seethed with jealousy that Juliana might take up with another man, or that he couldn’t even deny to himself that he had allowed himself to feel thus. He had no interest in trying to sort out what the feelings might mean.
Moving to the settee in his study with his glass, he stared into the dimly lit fire.
He pushed aside all of his insecurities and memories from the past that threatened to plague his thoughts, and just kept staring at the fire for what must have been at least an hour.
He tried his best not to think about anything and just kept his thoughts fixated on the way the flames kissed the logs, hoping that the feelings bubbling to the surface would pass.
Finally, he downed the drink that had been in his hand the entire time in a single gulp and set it down on the table with a clank. He knew what he had to do. The same thing he did anytime he needed to regain control of his emotions.
He would visit one of his mistresses. They must wonder what happened to him. He’d visit one of the women and then once he was himself again, he would end things with Juliana. He’d step aside so she could pursue whatever it was she wanted from Demming.
Resolved to end his madness, he set off for his mews to have a carriage readied.
Once he was outside, the bright full moon, high in the sky, caught and held his attention.
He allowed the moonlight to wash over him, providing him with only the slightest bit of calm.
He took a few deep breaths, attempting to slow his thoughts.
Before his feet could make a different decision, he crept past his mews and strode a block over and hurried through the alley behind Juliana’s mews and followed his usual path to sneak into her bedchamber.
He must speak with her before he decided if he would end things between them.
Ending things with her was the last thing he wished to do.
He sat on a bench in her garden for several moments, thinking about what he would say.
He wasn’t even sure what he felt, but he knew instinctively the storm brewing within him would be soothed in Juliana’s presence.
Did he even need to say anything at all?
If she wanted his company, couldn’t they just continue to enjoy each other?
Why did anything need to change at all? He was being a fool.
Deciding he had pondered the situation for long enough, he started towards her terrace.
He found the door unlocked like always and crept up to her room.
He thankfully didn’t encounter anyone along the way and quietly opened her door and closed it behind himself, turning the lock.
She was sitting in a chair by her fire and hadn’t heard him enter.
He watched her for a few moments and how beautiful she looked with the light from fire dancing on her skin.
“Juliana?” he called out to her.
She was startled, and her head jerked in his direction. “Jude. I wasn’t sure if you would come tonight. I didn’t see you at the ball.”
“Did you not want me to?” he asked. He hadn’t considered that there could come a time when she rejected him, but if she considered taking up with another man, he shouldn’t be surprised.
She stood and crossed the room to him. “Of course, I did. I hoped for your visit more than anything.”
He cast aside all of the concerns that plagued him earlier that evening, and before he could stop himself, he tucked a single loose curl behind her ear. “Well,” he started, “here I am.”