Chapter Thirteen
Jude was restless and in a foul mood all afternoon, and then into the evening. His stomach was in knots over the way he left things with Juliana that morning. The last thing he wished for was to end things with her, but he had already exposed her to enough of his past.
The look in her eyes indicated she might feel something for him beyond the pleasure he brought her.
He would be lying if he said he didn’t harbor some of the same feelings, but such things were foreign to him.
Even if it were some kind of deeper affection, surely the feelings would pass and they’d both realize what they had experienced was just a heavy dose of passion.
He took her virginity. Well, he didn’t take it.
She gave it to him when she asked him to be her first and show her what it meant to couple with a man.
He almost puffed his chest out, knowing that he was the one to do so.
And loath to admit that the thought of any other man laying with her in such a manner did nothing to ease the discomfort in his stomach.
As much as he had tried to distract himself throughout the day with work and other matters, his thoughts drifted back to her. Always her. He declined to attend the ball that evening, knowing that he couldn’t face her in a crowded ballroom amongst their friends and the rest of the ton.
It had grown dark outside, and he gave himself a healthy pour of brandy from the decanter in his study and downed it all at once. Slamming the glass on his desk, he sat back, running his hand down his face. Then there was a knock at his door.
“Enter.” He bellowed.
Abbott, his butler, entered.
“You have a caller, my lord,” Abbott said, “Lord Wilton.”
What could Matt possibly want? Shouldn’t he be at the evening’s ball? Jude thought for a moment, deciding if he was up for Matt’s company or not in his frustrated state. He sat up straight in his chair.
“Send him in.”
“Yes, my lord.”
At least Matt’s arrival would give him an excuse to down another glass of brandy and avoid admitting to himself that he was already regretting that he wouldn’t meet Juliana in her chamber later that evening.
A few moments later, Matt strode into the room dressed in his evening finery with a wide smile on his face. Jude fought not to roll his eyes. Matt was, by his nature, far too jovial for Jude’s current state. He’d need more than just one glass of brandy.
“What brings you by, Matt? You aren’t dressed for a casual call to my home this evening.” He motioned towards the seat across from his desk.
Matt sunk into it, his usual smile never leaving his face.
“Something seemed off with you last night, and then when you never showed tonight, I came to see if you were all right.”
Jude picked up the decanter and poured Matt a glass of brandy, then refilled his own. He handed Matt his glass and held up his as if to toast him.
“I am fine,” Jude said, knowing he said the words harsher than he should have if he had any hope of his friend believing them.
Then he took a large gulp of his drink, deciding against downing it all.
Matt cast him a wary glance before taking a sip from his own glass.
“How long do you want me to pretend to believe you?” Matt asked.
Jude didn’t fight his eye roll this time. He must remember to apologize to Evan for all the times he antagonized him while he was sorting out his feelings for his wife.
“I’m not sure what you mean,” Jude said.
Matt laughed. “I have never seen you in a state of greater unease than in these last couple of days, friend. Just tell me what it is, and I’ll help you figure it out.”
Jude wasn’t ready to speak of his arrangement with Juliana, or at least not confirm for him who consumed his every thought. They agreed they wouldn’t tell anyone.
“I am awaiting word from Bow Street.”
Matt said. “So the viscount is still causing problems for Juliana?”
“He is. Hopefully, the runner will find something useful, and I can rid her of the pest once and for all.”
“What reason could he possibly have to cause trouble for her?” Matt asked, fixing his gaze on Jude.
Jude took a sip of his drink, buying time to contemplate his answer to that question.
“The late viscount settled a lot of funds on her, and the man isn’t pleased.”
A pang of guilt hit Jude, knowing he wasn’t being truthful with his friend about the entire situation.
He reminded himself that he promised Juliana not to share details, and even though he knew Matt could be trusted, he wouldn’t break her confidence.
Jude had already hurt and confused her enough, and the least he could do was honor her wishes regarding such a delicate matter.
“It’s not as if he can do anything about it if all was done legally,” Matt said.
“I want to ensure that he will leave her alone.” There wasn’t much more that Jude could say on the matter or risk sharing more information with Matt than he should.
“Similar to the business with Lord Knight?” Matt asked, a knowing edge to his tone.
“I don’t understand your meaning,” Jude said.
Matt laughed. “I am speaking of how you scared the man off after dancing with Juliana, and I don’t believe he has been seen in town since.”
Jude waved him off. “The man’s hands wandered lower than they should have.” He poured them each another drink before continuing. “Someone has to look out for her. Her mother and father don’t stay in town all season and she has no husband or brother.”
“The notorious rake turned gallant hero,” Matt said. He raised his glass before taking a healthy sip.
“I’d do so for any of the ladies. If you recall, I saved Graham and Diana from their situation, and we all saved Marina from the hands of Minto. I’ve always been gallant,” Jude returned, also raising his glass and draining the contents.
Narrowing his eyes, Matt assessed him. “I think there is a bit more to it this time.”
“Aren’t you due for a visit to the country to see Graham? Surely he misses you and your keen sense of wisdom.”
Matt laughed so hard his shoulders shook. “Now I know there is more to it.” He finished the rest of his brandy. “Whatever the reason, I am happy to help ensure Juliana’s well-being if my assistance should be required.”
A creeping sense of doubt and suspicion settled over Jude. Surely Matt wasn’t done with his needling. He tilted his head to the side, brow furrowed, waiting for Matt to say more.
“No need to look at me like that, friend,” Matt said. “I shall leave you be. For now. You know where to find me if you need me.”
Both gentlemen rose, and Matt patted Jude on the back.
“Good luck, friend,” Matt said.
Before Jude could say anything in return, Matt strode out of the room, and he could tell from the shake of his shoulders that the man was still laughing. What was he about?
At least with Matt gone, Jude could pour himself another drink with no one to judge him for doing so. He did just that and downed it. Setting the glass down on his desk, he started towards his chamber. Perhaps the few drinks would help him find sleep easier after such a mentally taxing day.
A quarter hour later, he was undressed and settling into his bed. He fought to push all thoughts of Juliana out of his mind, willing exhaustion to set in and pull him into a deep sleep.
*
“You are nothing but a waste of space on this earth,” a hateful voice bellowed.
A heavy fist made contact with Jude’s abdomen.
“You don’t deserve to live, and yet I’m stuck with you,” the voice continued.
A slap to Jude’s face followed the punch.
“Father, please stop.”
As Jude’s father lunged at him again, all Jude could see in his eyes was an overwhelming sense of hatred.
Jude shot up in bed, his eyes searching the room and a single tear running down his left cheek.
“It’s only a dream. Get it together,” he told himself out loud, running his hand down his face.
It had been one of the most vivid dreams he’d had in weeks. His entire body trembled. He needed to ease the burden of his fear and gain control over his thoughts.
Hurrying from the bed, he dressed as quickly as he could. After he donned his clothes and boots, he set off towards his mews, intending to make a late-night call to one of his companions as he had done out of habit countless times over the past year.
Somehow, the notion brought him no comfort, and his stomach twisted in knots.
The closer he got to his mews, the more he thought he would cast up his accounts.
His heart told him it would be a betrayal to Juliana, which was absurd, since there was no future for them, nor had they made such promises.
Not that his heart understood that. His brain knew of such things, but his heart wanted only one woman, and that posed more problems for his life than he wished to consider.
Frustrated, he took to the streets. He’d seek to walk off his nervous energy and clear his head.
So he found himself walking the streets of Mayfair in the middle of the night.
No one was out, either already home from the evening’s ball or still out enjoying entertainment until sunrise.
There wasn’t a single other soul on the street with him.
He lost himself in his thoughts, circling the same couple of blocks a few times, trying to wear himself out so that he might find sleep again. Dreamless that time, he hoped. Although it would take a lot more walking to ease the tension, angst, and sadness that lived within him.
Glancing up from his thoughts, he found himself outside of Juliana’s mews.
He stopped and stared at the pathway. Was she asleep?
Surely she was. She didn’t expect him to visit that evening, so she’d have no reason to wait up for him.
For all he knew, she might have taken up an arrangement with one of the many willing men she had at her disposal.
He stood on the street debating if he should go to her, then bile threatened to rise in his throat and his heart splintered from the mere notion that she might have another man in her chamber at that very moment.
Suddenly, before he knew what was happening an arm slipped around his neck, tightening around his throat.