Chapter Twelve
Juliana’s eyes were still puffy from all the crying she had done. Just when she didn’t think her eyes could possibly generate more tears, more would fall. She sobbed at first, and then after she tired from doing so, the tears just streamed down her face.
Bonnie had tried everything to soothe her.
She brought her tea and readied her bath.
Nothing seemed to work. She dressed for the day with her face flushed and ruddy, and her eyes red from crying so many tears.
Bonnie brought up a couple of cold rags to place over her eyes to ease the puffiness, and finally Juliana felt she might have the crying under control.
She wasn’t sure what hurt her more, that Jude had ended things between them or that he recommended she take up with another man.
It’s very likely that he would take up with another woman that night instead of coming to her, and the thought made her stomach twist into tight knots.
It was too painful to imagine him being intimate with another woman, even though she knew he had done so frequently before they began their arrangement.
She’d lost her heart to him, and she wasn’t sure it would be possible to ever find love with anyone else. Juliana sighed, her head back on her settee, with her eyes covered from the cold, damp cloth.
What a fool she had been. Part of her believed more had passed between them than the physical nature of their arrangement.
He treated her with great care, and such tenderness at times.
They spoke of all manner of things, and he knew all of her secrets.
Although it was apparent that he didn’t trust her with his, she reminded herself.
It wouldn’t surprise her if no one knew whatever it is he kept locked away inside himself.
The tears started again, thinking of him alone in the night plagued with his nightmares and no one to comfort him.
She calmed herself again and tossed the cloth aside. Enough was enough. She had to continue on with her day. Crying would not change what had occurred between her and Jude, and she would spend a couple of days in residence to avoid crossing paths with him.
She already had Bonnie send her regrets to that evening’s hostess, as she would skip the ball planned for this evening. Juliana was not ready to face him, let alone to dance and carry on as if nothing had occurred between them in front of their friends.
Bonnie entered her chamber. “My lady, Lord Demming is here to see you. Should I tell him you aren’t home to callers today?”
Juliana rose and brushed the wrinkles from her skirts. “No, that won’t be necessary,” she replied. “I shall speak with him. Please have him brought to the drawing room and I will be right down. If you could send in tea as well, that would be much appreciated.”
“Of course, my lady,” Bonnie said, departing to carry out the tasks.
Juliana forgot she told Lord Demming to call on her. Their conversation wasn’t appropriate for the terrace at a ball where the entire ton could eavesdrop at any moment.
Finding her composure and grace, she descended the stairs and made her way to the drawing room to find Lord Demming standing in the middle of the room with his hands clasped behind his back.
He was a handsome man, with deep chestnut hair and emerald-green eyes.
He was trim and not as muscular as Jude, but still cut a fine figure in his finery.
She chastised herself for comparing other men to Jude. Jude would never be hers.
“Lord Demming,” she called out to him, “how good to see you!”
She stepped into the room, and he crossed the distance to bow over her hand.
“Call me Nate, please, my lady. It only seems right for you to do so.”
“Very well. Only if you will call me Juliana.”
He released her hand, and she motioned for them to take their seats. The tea cart had already been brought in, so she poured out for them both.
“How do you take your tea, Nate?”
“Cream and two sugar, please.”
She prepared it for him and handed him his saucer, feeling just a bit better being outside of her chamber.
“Are you all right, Juliana?” Nate asked, assessing her. “You seem quite upset.”
She fought the tears that threatened to form again. How her body retained the ability to create tears dumbfounded her, and she almost laughed at the notion.
“I’ll be fine,” she said.
“I hope it wasn’t anything that I said which upset you.” The concern was evident on his brow.
She shook her head. “Not at all, Nate,” she assured him. “I am delighted that Edward found the love he deserved. You both deserved it. I wish our society wasn’t so set against such things.”
He reached out for her hand, and she welcomed the warmth of his gloved hand in hers.
“He loved you, too, Juliana,” Nate said. “Edward spoke of you fondly and said that you were his very dearest friend. He was lucky to find such an understanding, caring wife.”
The tears ran down her cheeks. She still missed Edward.
Not as her husband, but as her friend. She could have spoken with Edward about Jude, and he would have understood.
He wouldn’t have thought she was scandalous, and he would have held her hand while she cried, just as Nate was doing for her then.
She couldn’t discuss such matters with her female friends, especially her unmarried ones. If only Marina or Diana were there.
“There I go, upsetting you again. I’m sorry,” he apologized.
“No. No,” she said, “Edward was such a good man. If I’m honest, not all of these tears are for him. I miss him, but as you know, we weren’t a love match and didn’t have…marital relations.”
His brow furrowed, and he tilted his head to the side. “Then what is the matter? You should know you can tell me anything.”
She inhaled deeply, and audibly released the breath. “I have fallen in love.” She paused, looking up from their hands where he still gripped hers and met his eyes. “To someone who will never marry or love me in return.”
“Are you certain?” he asked, his tone nothing but genuine sincerity.
She nodded, several more tears spilling from her eyes. “I am quite sure.”
He squeezed her hand. “And have you been intimate with this man?”
She froze and wiped her tears with her free hand, unsure how she wished to answer the question.
Finally, she decided. “Yes.” She hung her head.
“Come now,” he said, still holding her hand.
“You have nothing to be ashamed of. At least not with me.” He contemplated her and then forced her to lift her chin with his other hand.
“Did this man take advantage of you?” he asked.
“You must tell me if he did. I will not allow any man to treat such a kind soul as yourself poorly.”
“No,” she assured him, shaking her head. “It’s nothing like that. We agreed going into this that there was to be no affection between us, but…”
“But you fell in love,” he finished for her.
She nodded her head.
“Perhaps he shares your feelings.”
“He ended things,” she said. “This morning, in fact. I believe he was letting me in, and it scared him. It is clear he doesn’t want anyone to get close to him.”
Nate smiled at her. “I think that is a sign that he might feel something for you, Juliana.”
“I don’t believe so.” She could not allow herself to get her hopes up. She had to accept the situation for what it was. One that would send Jude into the arms of a mistress and leave her heartbroken and alone.
“I believe you haven’t heard the last of him yet.” He gave her hand another squeeze and pulled his back.
She laughed and blotted her eyes. “I am sure I will see him around, but not for the reasons you imply.”
“I may be willing to place a wager on that, my lady.”
“You’d lose,” she said flatly.
He just shook his head. “I appreciate you letting me call on you, and I apologize for not doing so sooner, but I didn’t feel right coming forward and discussing my relationship with Edward with you while you were in mourning. I just wanted to pay respects to his lovely wife I heard so much about.”
“No apologies needed, Nate,” she assured him. “If anything, I feel better knowing that he at least had true love in his life. Everyone deserves that, do they not?”
“Indeed,” he agreed. “You deserve that, too, Juliana. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.” Sadness washed over his face, and he appeared to choke down his own emotion.
“I am sorry you lost him, Nate,” she said softly.
He squeezed her hand, and gave her a small nod. “I hope your gentleman comes up to scratch.”
“I’m afraid I may have lost my heart forever, and that shall never come to pass.”
“I hope he surprises you. Whomever this mysterious gentleman is. Then you shall have nothing left to trouble you so.”
Her thoughts flashed to the new Viscount Gordon and the threat that lingered over her head. She had been so caught up with her heartbreak over Jude that she almost forgot that she still faced social ruin in more ways than one.
“Nate, do you know anything about the new viscount?”
Nate shifted in his seat, and his eyes darted as if he were buying time to answer her questions.
“I know of him, yes,” Nate finally said.
“What do you know? I must know.”
“Why are you so curious about the man?”
She bit her bottom lip. “He’s blackmailing me.”
The color drained from Nate’s face. “Why is he blackmailing you?”
“He knows about Edward,” she replied, closing her eyes for a few moments. “And about my evening visitor.”
“The blackguard,” Nate ground out through clenched teeth. “Did he tell you how he learnt about Edward?”
She shook her head. “He told me nothing.”
Nate ran his hand down his face. “He lives the life of a libertine, with anyone and everyone, if you understand my meaning.”
Juliana gasped and brought her hand to her mouth. “Are you saying he also enjoys the company of men?”
“Men and women.”
“And you know this for certain?”
Nate nodded. “I do.”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “Have you had…relations…with him?”
“No. Of course not. I would never.”
Juliana sighed with relief. “Was he really so foolish to blackmail me for the very ruin that he could face if his secrets came to light?”
“He hoped you wouldn’t have the means of finding out.”
“Well, we did hire a runner.”
“We?” Nate asked, arching an eyebrow.
She waved him off. “I simply mean that it is possible that the runner will uncover such information.”
“Perhaps, but most in the circles that would know of such things would never speak to a runner. But the knowledge of his activities may be enough to get him to back off.”
“I shall think on it. I still have almost a week until he shall return, and want to hear what the runner comes up with.”
Nate nodded in agreement. “Please let me know if there is anything I can do to assist.”
“I appreciate that, Nate.”
He rose to his feet. “I shall take my leave. Might I call on you again? I’d like to check on how things progress, with all of your concerns at present.”
“Why don’t you come for tea in a couple of days?” she suggested. “I’ll do my best to keep from crying during your visit next time.”
“Don’t hold back on my account. I already consider you to be a dear friend. As long as your gentleman friend will allow me to do so once he proposes.” He took her hands in his and kissed her knuckles.
“Nate,” she said, almost as if giving him a warning.
He shrugged. “Very well. I’d be delighted to come to tea.”
Once he departed, Juliana tried her best to push aside what he said, but it kept taking hold of her thoughts. Jude couldn’t have any true feelings for her, could he?
Was it possible that Jude pushed her away because he felt something for her? Should she accept defeat or fight for the man she loved?
She hadn’t a clue what to do.