Chapter Eleven
Jude opened his eyes. A woman’s breast lay before him, and he realized his cheek rested against the other one. Juliana. She was fast asleep and was even more beautiful, with such a peaceful expression on her sleeping visage.
The urge to kiss her and taste her lips was stronger than it had ever been. His cock stirred and pressed hard against her naked leg, causing him to utter a low growl.
He glanced over at the window and noted the sun was high in the sky. Somehow, he had slept through the night. He had never spent the night with a woman before.
Sighing, he was relieved that he didn’t have any night terrors.
He should never have allowed himself to fall asleep in her bed.
Subjecting her to his problems was not something he could ever allow.
Besides, enjoying their mutual fucking was one thing, but finding sleep together in her bed was something that could not be repeated.
No matter how warm and comforting it was to be in her arms.
Jude shook off the warring thoughts. He’d have to figure out how to leave her home without being seen.
Servants were sure to be bustling about.
It had to be at least nine or ten o’clock.
At least he had locked the door to her chamber, safeguarding their inexplicable encounter from being discovered by her maid.
Forcing himself to sit up and move away, he looked back at her. She stirred, and her beautiful eyes blinked open.
“Jude.”
“I’m sorry I fell asleep. That wasn’t part of our arrangement.” Nor was it a risk he should have allowed himself to take. To protect his secrets, as well as both of their hearts.
She smiled at him, flipping his heart. “I didn’t mind at all,” she said.
“I should dress,” he said. “It is going to pose an interesting challenge getting out of here unseen.”
As soon as his feet hit the floor, he tried to keep her from seeing the erection he sported.
He shouldn’t have taken her twice last night when it was her first time, but she was becoming more and more irresistible.
He was steadily losing control over what little remained of his good sense.
Not that he would allow himself to ponder a deeper notion than just his mere lust for her.
Of course he wanted her. He would always want her.
He grabbed his breeches and pulled them up over his hips with his back to her, tucking himself inside before buttoning his falls.
“Jude?” she called out to him.
He grabbed his shirt and started working the buttons. “Hmm?”
She hesitated, and he turned to face her.
“You mentioned you don’t sleep well. Why is that?” she asked.
Panic rose from his chest to his throat. “No reason,” he replied, his tone sharper than he intended.
She watched him, contemplating him. He grabbed his coats and slipped each in place before grabbing his boots. Thankfully, she hadn’t spoken again, but he was fearful he knew quite good and well why she had asked.
He sat in the chair and began working on his boots as quickly as he could.
“It’s just that you had a moment of unease last night. Does that occur frequently?” she asked, a soft tenderness in her voice.
He didn’t look up from his boots. He couldn’t. She would see the fear in his eyes and the embarrassment of what still haunted him.
“Did I say anything?” he asked, still not looking at her.
“A few things.” She paused for a few moments. “Jude?”
Keeping his head focused on his task at hand so he could depart, he responded. “What, Juliana?”
“You can talk to me. I believe we care for each other.” She paused, and he swallowed hard. “As friends. I would listen and help you.”
“I don’t need any help,” he ground out. “I am quite all right, I assure you.” He had kept his secrets and his pain to himself for all of these years, and the one time he let someone get too close, it was all unraveling.
He was unraveling. He couldn’t allow it.
This only proved why he could allow no one in.
“Please, Jude.”
He finally looked up at her. His breath became more labored.
“None of this was part of our arrangement.” He sighed, not really wanting to speak the words on his tongue, but knowing he must. “Perhaps our arrangement has run its course.” He wished for the opposite, but he was quickly losing control of the situation, and it would only be a matter of time before she knew and looked at him with the pity he loathed.
“You don’t mean that, do you?” she asked, the hurt expression on her face almost enough to break him wide open.
“This had to end sometime. If your escape to the terrace last night was any indication, you have options. So perhaps it is time you seek one of them out.” He knew he sounded like a petulant child, but the irritation he pushed aside had returned.
The notion of her taking a different lover was enough to make him cast up his accounts if he gave it too much thought.
He couldn’t stand even the suggestion that another man might put his hands on her, but he didn’t have any right to prevent her from doing so.
The torture of her moving on from him would be another scar he would be forced to bear.
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
He rose from the chair, his boots in place. An unexplained, all-consuming rage bubbling too close beneath the surface. “I saw you with Lord Demming, and let’s not forget, there is always Lord Lygon.”
Realization washed over her expression. “That wasn’t what you think, Jude. He was…”
Jude cut her off, as he didn’t wish to hear the details. The sight of her with another man might be enough to kill him, but so would allowing her to know his shame. “It is none of my business. You need to find someone who might want the same future as you do. That shall never be with me.”
Before she could respond, he bolted from the room. He didn’t even look to see if anyone was in the hallway before he did so.
Thankfully, it was clear, and he slipped to the staircase and down the stairs. He was almost at the terrace door when a man’s voice called out to him.
“Well, isn’t this interesting,” a man said, followed by a menacing laugh.
Jude cringed and turned on his heel to face the man. He was a trim, weasel-like gentleman who stood with Juliana’s butler. He must have been on his way to the drawing room to wait for word if Juliana would accept his call.
Jude hated that his first notion was hurt and jealousy that the man may have called on Juliana for similar reasons that brought Jude there.
“And just who are you?” Jude asked, not caring that his tone was less than civil.
“Viscount Gordon, my lord,” the man said. “No need to introduce yourself, as I am well aware of who you are, as well as your reputation, Lord Sandon. I just never would have dreamt you’ve been tupping my late cousin’s wife. That is a helpful bit of information.”
“Jude, wait,” Juliana called out to him, appearing at the top of the staircase, with her long dressing gown secured around her body.
“Oh, this is perfect,” Gordon said. “Didn’t get enough of your bed partner, my lady?”
Jude lunged towards the man and Drummond stepped in the way, encouraging him to stand down. He clenched his fists at his side and bore his hard gaze at the viscount.
“Why are you bothering the viscountess? Didn’t you give her a week?”
The blackguard laughed. “Of course her lover would be aware of her situation. I’m a man of my word and I will give her the week, but the price has increased.
Now you are going to pay me an extra ten thousand pounds to buy my silence at this shocking revelation.
I have no doubt the gossip sheets would pay handsomely for this tasty morsel of information. ”
“Why are you doing this?” Jude asked. “You would bring ruin upon this kind woman who did you no wrong?”
The man laughed. “She is of no matter to me. She just happens to be the one in possession of what I need. A fortune.”
Jude fought from raising his fist and knocking the man prone. It would serve no benefit to rectify the situation, but it would certainly make him feel better to see the pompous man lying on the floor.
“You may leave now.” Jude practically spat at the man.
“You have no authority here, my lord,” the viscount challenged. “She shouldn’t even own this townhouse. It should have been part of my inheritance. She should be grateful that I am not making her give me this house, too.” The man inspected his hands with a smug expression.
Juliana descended the stairs with all of the elegance and grace he loved about her. Not loved, liked a lot.
“But I do, and I ask you to leave my home,” she said, her voice surprisingly calm.
Jude stepped closer to the viscount. “Do not make the lady repeat herself. And do not return until the week is out.”
The man laughed and waved him off. “Calm down, my lord. I have no desire to come to fisticuffs with you. Not that it would change the outcome. I’ll be back, and I expect the extra ten thousand pounds to be ready for me.”
The odious man turned on his heel and departed the same way he entered, Drummond following him to escort him out. When Jude heard the door open and close, he shifted his attention to Juliana.
“I don’t want you to worry about this,” he said. “I have a runner on the case and we will make a plan very soon.”
She shook her head, and the defeated look on her beautiful visage made his throat go dry. “Jude, rumors about you in my bed are the least of my concerns if he should tell the whole of society about Edward.” Tears formed in the corners of her eyes, and she cast her eyes downward.
“I won’t let him harm you.”
The tears escaped and streamed down her cheeks. Even when she cried, she was the most beautiful woman. Unable to resist, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her against him. “Shhh, all will be well.” He was reminded how perfectly she fit in his arms.
She looked up at him, and the urge to kiss her returned, with her ruddy, wet cheeks and her plump, pink lips in a full pout. “Will you please come tonight?”
He stared at her lips and swallowed hard.
Licking his own bottom lip, he shifted on his feet, almost willing himself not to hold from her any longer.
Before he could throw all caution to the wind, he recalled their previous conversation and how she knew of his nightmares and perhaps some of what plagued him.
Jude shook his head and stepped back, releasing her. “Nothing has changed. This can’t be.”
He watched her shoulders sink and her eyes turn glassy. The coward he was, he turned from her and hurried out the exit towards the terrace before he could be tempted to change his mind.
He mentally chastised himself the entire walk through Juliana’s mews out and back to his own townhouse for allowing himself to fall asleep.
Everything was ruined, and it was all his fault.
Not only did Juliana surely pity him and the blackmail amount had increased, but there would also be no more late-night visits.
Visits that had come to ease his turmoil, and time spent with the one person he had been the most true version of himself with.
Jude didn’t put on airs and act like the rakish Marquess when he was with her.
He was just Jude. The realization came to him on that painful walk home, he hadn’t maintained his mask with her, and it was freeing.
But letting his guard down revealed too much of himself, parts that he never wished for anyone to know.
Climbing the staircase to his chamber, he pushed aside the thoughts of how the loss of Juliana’s company pained him. Perhaps he would allow himself to ponder such a notion later, once the viscount had been dealt with.
When Jude reached his chamber, Carter was waiting for him there.
“There you are, my lord,” Carter said. “I was beginning to worry about you. It’s not like you to stay out all night.”
“It’s a long story that doesn’t have a great ending. What I would like most is a bath.”
Carter reached for the bell pull and coordinated a bath and a light repast. Jude had no appetite, but knew he should at least take a few bites while the water was brought in. If only to keep Carter from prying too much into where he was last night and the reason for his foul mood.
Laying back in the tub of warm water, which usually did wonders to ease the tension he carried, there was no change.
He was angry even. He fisted his hands and his nostrils flared, thinking on how much his father was to blame for everything that was wrong in his life and for stealing his happiness and joy even in the man’s death.
He should be able to love Juliana. To marry her and give her children. To be the besotted fool for his wife and family. He didn’t know how to love, or how to let anyone in to love him. He wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love. And that tragedy laid at his father’s feet.