Chapter Twenty #3
He nodded and shifted his attention back to Abbott. “Mrs. Jones and Rose. Please ensure they have anything that they need.
“Mrs. Jones, please inform Abbott should you find you and Rose need anything. And inform him of Rose’s favorite foods, so that we can ensure Cook prepares things she will eat. I will come and visit later, after you have settled in,” Jude said.
“Follow me and I’ll show you the rooms,” Abbott said, speaking to Mrs. Jones.
Jude gave a small wave to Rose as her nanny carried her from the room.
His head was spinning. He maintained his calm and control in front of the poor child, but his resolve was slipping.
She already lost her mother and didn’t need to watch the only other parent she had left fall apart in front of her.
He retreated to his study and closed the door behind him, leaning back against it.
A child. He was a father. How had he let this happen?
It’s not like he wasn’t aware of how children were conceived.
It was a risk with every encounter he ever had, and he realized how foolish it had been to take so many risks.
The image of the sweet girl’s face flashed in his mind. He knew from the moment he saw those eyes and dimples that he would love her and be the father she needed. He would be the father that he, himself, never had.
Until recently, he had never considered being a father. Not until he fell hopelessly in love with Juliana, and allowed himself to consider a normal life. He patted the ring in his pocket and closed his eyes. Juliana.
Jude crossed the room to his desk and poured himself a brandy, dropping into his seat. He downed it in a single gulp and refilled the glass but left it sitting untouched on his desk. He captured his head in his hands and rested his elbows on his thighs, falling more and more into despair.
“Juliana,” he let her name escape his lips in a whisper before a single tear slid down his left cheek, followed by another on his right.
He couldn’t subject her to the scandal that he faced.
They hadn’t even finished resolving the scandal she faced, and he couldn’t subject her to another one.
She would have been thrust into the spotlight already if she agreed to marry him, but once the ton learnt he had a child sired out of wedlock with a woman not of their class living in his home, the scandal would ignite a fire within the ton.
Jude may no longer be invited to social events, even as a marquess.
There was no question that he was in love with Juliana.
She was the only woman he would ever love, which was why he couldn’t ask her to risk a life with him that may be outside of society.
She was far too kind and would sacrifice herself for him, and she had already done so once before to marry her first husband.
He loved her too much to allow her to sacrifice her future again.
He was a fool to dream and believe he might be able to marry. He had it right the first time when he declared he would never marry. Jude could never marry, unless it was to Juliana.
Rose needed her father, and he couldn’t send her away to be raised by someone else and pretend she didn’t exist to save his reputation and marry Juliana.
That notion would never be an option. He had a responsibility to be a good father to Rose, and he already missed out on the first few years of her life.
She was his flesh and blood, and she deserved a true father.
He may not have loved her mother, but he would love Rose and ensure she never wanted for a thing, including his attention and affection.
Jude downed the drink that he had poured and slammed the glass back on the desk.
The tears flowed down his cheeks in streams. For the first time in his adult life, he allowed himself to break down.
He wept for the future with Juliana that would never come to pass.
He would hold their time together this afternoon in his heart for as long as he lived.
Grabbing two pieces of parchment, he dipped his quill in ink and began writing. Once he finished, he sanded and sealed each missive. With tears in his eyes, he reached for the bell pull.
By the time Abbott arrived, he had gained control over his emotions and dried his face.
“Abbott, I am departing to the country. I will inform Mrs. Jones and Rose that we will all depart to my country estate right away. So please ensure we are packed, and the carriage is ready as soon as possible. I am uncertain when I will return to town.”
Abbott offered him a soft smile. “Yes, my lord.”
“Also, please have this sent to Lady Gordon, but wait to do so until after our party has departed.”
Abbott took the missive and gave him a small nod before taking his leave. Jude took a few steadying breaths and urged himself to depart his study and ready them all for their departure.
The faster he could put physical distance between him and Juliana, the better. He wasn’t certain that if he remained in London that he could maintain his resolve not to go to her.