Chapter 20 - Miles
I drummed my fingers on the counter, staring at the stairs. My mind was a mess after yesterday. I had sat all day going over the words, and it was like someone had stuck a knife into my heart and was twisting it up.
"Are you listening?" Cayden asked, waving his hand in front of me. It broke my stare, and I scowled, looking at him.
"What?" I snapped.
Cayden's eyebrows rose, and even Lucas looked a little shocked, sitting beside him. "Someone's a little short-fused today."
"Shut up, Lucas." I snapped at him, taking a deep breath in through my nose.
"Hey," Owen turned from his seat. "Let's not fight. It's too fucking early for any bullshit."
I looked back at the stairs, my fingers continuing their drumming. My mind was waiting for her to come up the stairs.
"Seriously, what's gotten into you?" Lucas asked, leaning into my view.
"Lucas, leave him," Owen said. "I was serious. I'm in no mood today. Neither will Ayden be after last night."
"What happened last night?" Cayden asked, turning around.
I drowned them out, my teeth grinding together. And then I heard her heels on the stairs. She came up the stairs. She looked tired as she avoided everyone heading into her office. She was on the phone as she moved, nodding her head.
"Looks like Laura's in," Cayden said.
I pulled myself out of my chair, heading for her office. I felt my heart beating in my ears, and I felt extremely hot.
"I can certainly get the numbers to you by this afternoon," she said, sitting at her office and placing her purse on her desk. "Yes, I will be in all day today.
I shut her door behind me, and her eyes snapped up. She turned a little white and covered the phone with her other hand. "I'm on the phone. Can you come back?"
"I’m not coming back later," I growled. “We are talking now.”
Her eyes widened, and then she scowled at me. "Get out of my office."
"No, we need to talk." I took a couple of steps toward her desk. "And I'm not leaving until we do."
"And you think barging in here making demands is going to convince me to chat with you?" she snapped back.
I frowned, understanding her point. I took a deep breath and tried to soften my words. I had tried calling her, but she never answered. She wasn’t giving me much of a choice but to bring it up now. I would have rather spoken about it outside of work, but she was tying my hands. "Please, I waited all weekend to talk with you. So, can we please talk?”
She rolled her eyes and turned. "Hey, Julia, I'm going to need to call you back."
She ended the call and turned back to me, crossing her arms. "You are ridiculous. That was extremely rude of you!"
"No, I think that's you."
Her eyebrows went up. "Excuse me?"
"Telling him that I abandoned you? Even that's extremely low for you."
Her eyes narrowed as she seated herself in her chair. She exhaled sharply, shaking her head. "First off, I didn't tell him that. He came up with that all on his own."
"Kids don't come up with shit like that."
She laughed. "Oh, because you would know, right? You've raised a kid, so you know everything about that."
I curled my hands into fists. "You must have told him something. So, what did you tell him?”
"I've told him nothing," she said, leaning back in her chair. "Michael knew nothing about you or what happened between us. I never spoke a single word about you."
I sharply laughed. "And you wonder why he thinks I abandoned you. Why didn’t you tell him anything?”
Her eyebrows went up. "I'm sorry. Should I have told him how you brutally broke things off because you were suddenly tired of me? Would that have made you feel better? You shattered my world, so you don't get to be angry at me for how I pieced everything back together."
I leaned forward. "Did you do this just so you can hurt me? You pissed I ended things? So you decided to make him think I didn’t care? That I wanted no part in his life?"
She looked like I slapped her. She swung up. "I did what I had to do to protect my child! Because you were an arrogant misogynistic douchebag who only thought of himself! So excuse me for making sure I protected my son from that!"
"Our son!" I yelled, correcting her. You should have told me! You should have told him about me! You're the reason he won't even look at me now."
"Really Miles!? You were already running, tired of me. A child was not going to change that! If anything, you would probably still be a huge dick."
I slammed my hands onto the desk. "You robbed me of so much, Laura, and you don't even feel bad about it."
"Of course, I feel bad," she screamed. "My son grew up without a father! He grew up with a mom who could hardly balance her life, let alone him. I'm sorry you feel robbed, but life wasn't fucking cupcakes and rainbows for me!"
“Well, it’s a good thing you age quicker, I’ll have plenty of extra time with him after you die.” Laura’s eyes widened in horror, and suddenly, I wished I could take the words back.
Laura's office door swung open. "Hey, that's enough." I watched as Owen stepped into her office. He grabbed my shoulder, shoving me a step back. "Miles, out now."
I looked back at Laura, who had refused to look at me. She had turned away, and all I could see was her hair as Owen stepped into my view.
I turned, storming out, but Owen continued to push me, pointing towards the stairs. "Move. Outside."
I head down the stairs to the garage and then out towards the front, and Owen crosses his arms, glaring at me. "I don't know what the hell has been going on between you two, but you aren't going to scream at each other inside the fire station."
I turned, running my hands through my hair, fury building in my belly. I tried to pace, shaking my head.
"Do you have any idea how this feels? Not only to find out that you are the father of a kid, but this kid doesn't want anything to do with you? You should see the look in his eyes! It was like pure hatred."
I paced some more, gripping my hands into fists.
Owen leaned against the building. "Yelling at Laura isn't going to change that. If anything, it’s only going to make everything worse."
I turned, glaring at him. "She never told him about me. And the kid hates me. The kid looked at me like I was the worst person he’d ever met."
My mind traveled to my folks. Growing up, I tried so hard to be the best and to impress them where I could. My folks didn't give affection often. It had to be earned, and the older I got, the harder it became. I always thought the harder I tried, the more they would eventually love me.
I remember getting straight A's, being busy with sports, and always being interested in anything they brought up. I spent endless nights reading up on my father's job, trying to spark conversations with him.
They never went to any of my sporting events, and they weren't there when I won awards in school. When they went to my graduation, they only saw me walk before leaving, going back to their day because it was more important.
When I returned, it seemed only to get worse. My parents expected more, and my father gave no mercy when it came to business. It all became too much, and I finally snapped. No matter what I did, I was never going to be enough, so I promised that when I finally found the person and settled down, I would be an amazing dad. I would never leave them or make them feel abandoned. I never wanted to be like my parents. I wanted to be around for everything, even the stupid, silly, unimportant things that didn't matter.
"I missed out on so much already, and he doesn't want anything to do with me."
Owen crossed his arms. "Why did you guys break up?"
I thought of our relationship. I knew that Laura loved me, and I only gave her half of what she deserved. I could have loved her more. I could have been there for her more. And she had a good reason.
"I hate who I was before, Owen." I felt my shoulders sink. "But I'm not that guy anymore. I've not been that guy in years."
"But you were," Owen said. "You can't change your past, Miles. And you can't change the decisions she made."
"And what if he doesn't want a relationship with me at all because of it?"
Owen made a face, shaking his head. "I think he will, but it takes time. I don't see any kid just accepting this without being full of emotions and having questions. Michael is smart, but he's also reserved. It's clear that Laura and him have been through things, and he often looks up to his mother."
I frown. "I'm not trying to ruin that. I just want to be part of it."
Owen nodded. "Yeah, but that's not how he might see it. He sees it as a threat. You just have to give him time. Let him calm down and think things over. I'm sure he will come around."
I ran my hands over my face again.
"And during that, you and Laura needed to find some even ground. Whether you guys decide to be together or just parent separately, you need to know that all before Michael wants to ask questions."
"Be together or separately? What the hell does that mean?
Owen raises an eyebrow. "Do you really think we're that stupid? You realize that we have cameras outside, right? I know you guys left looking a little disheveled the one day, so don't even deny you guys had sex."
I didn't know what to say. I was hoping no one would know about what happened between us and her office.
"Whether you guys want to be together or not, you can't be screaming at each other like that. Michael will never want you if you go against his mother. So, get your shit together and figure out what you want."
I swallowed. As angry as I was, I still wanted Laura. I knew we weren’t in the best place right now, but I cared about her. I wanted to be there for her despite not showing it.
“I don’t know what to do,” I finally admitted.
Owen gave me a sympathetic look. “None of us do, but you have to try and figure it out. At the end of this, what do you want?”
I looked away. I didn’t want to let her go all those years ago, and I had. But I wasn’t going to let her go this time.
“I want both of them,” I said.
Owen nodded his head. “Then fight for them.”
I wanted to fight, but I didn't know how or what was right or wrong.