Chapter 10 #3
Now Mom sighed. “Are you talking about your dad?”
“Of course, I am! You can’t help but notice some pretty big similarities between him and Tank. Swaggering, cocky professional hockey players. More interested in scoring on and off the ice than settling down. Commitment isn’t in their vocabulary.”
“I’m disappointed in you, Mickey.”
McKenna hadn’t expected that response. She was clearly upset. Why wasn’t her mom comforting her. “What? Why?”
“You’re waiting for Tank to walk away because your dad did. That’s not fair, because they’re two very different men, and they were two very different situations.”
“How?”
“Mine was a summer romance,” Mom started. “Your dad made it clear from the outset that it wasn’t going to last beyond August.”
“Yeah, but you fell for him anyway, didn’t you? Isn’t that why you didn’t tell him about me right away? Because you were hurt?”
“I think I was more hurt about losing the sex than the man.”
“Mom!”
She laughed. “I’ve had twenty-four years to reflect on that time, and believe me when I say, your father and I would not have worked out as a couple. We were always better suited to be friends.”
McKenna could see that. Mom had stayed in touch with Dad over the years, sending him pictures and updates on her.
McKenna’s childhood had been a roller coaster of phases, her feelings for her father fluctuating between extremes.
Sometimes she was angry at him and annoyed because Mom’s updates made her feel like one of those children people “adopted” from third world countries, who received photos and letters in return.
Other times, she was sad, wondering why he didn’t want to be with her.
Then there were the days when she felt gratitude for the money he sent.
She experienced genuine happiness when he’d shown up to her high school graduation to watch her get her diploma. She’d invited him, thinking he’d just send a gift, so she was shocked when she ran across the football field afterward to hug her mother, and found him standing next to her.
It was the first time they’d ever met face-to-face, if she didn’t count the one time he’d shown up right after Mom told him about her. Which McKenna didn’t, considering she’d been six months old at the time and didn’t remember it.
Of course, she felt as if she knew him, because she’d grown up watching him play hockey.
His team, the Stingrays, became her and mom’s team, the two of them huge fans.
When he hung up his skates and started coaching at Vancouver, they’d briefly changed—well, added—allegiances, rooting for the Canadian team as well as their beloved Rays.
Complicated didn’t even begin to come close to describing her feelings for her dad, and they were continuing to evolve even now. Especially with them living in the same city for the first time ever.
“Tank was never going to be a one-night stand or a summer fling for you, Mickey. I know you. You don’t sleep with someone you don’t have feelings for.”
“Maybe not. But tonight, I found out Tank doesn’t share those feelings. He…” McKenna’s voice broke slightly, and she wiped her eyes, aware it was stupid to drive while crying. “He showed up tonight at the pub with Lara, one of the women from the video.”
“Okay,” Mom drawled. “Why?”
“Tank said she was stranded in the parking lot outside the arena because someone slashed her tires. He gave her a ride to the pub because that’s where her friends were.”
Mom was silent, clearly waiting for more. “That’s it?”
“Yes. Doesn’t that sound kind of familiar?” McKenna pressed.
“Familiar?” Mom asked, confused.
“Eddie always had very reasonable explanations for why he was spending so much time with Lisa. Hanging around her desk because she needed help learning the job. Showing her around town because she was new.”
“Okay, so basically, you’re walking away from Tank because of things your dad and Eddie did. Am I hearing that right?”
McKenna blinked several times.
Could her mom be right?
Was she overreacting because of past trauma?
“No,” she said, more to herself than her mother. “It’s not because of those things. Not really. It’s just…this has all become real to me. And to Tank, it’s just pretend.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because that’s what we agreed to,” McKenna replied.
“Correct. You both agreed to do this fake dating thing. But over the past few weeks, your feelings have changed. How do you know Tank’s haven’t? Have you asked him?”
She hadn’t. Because she was too afraid to hear the answer.
“I’ll take your silence as a no,” Mom added. “I didn’t raise a coward, Mickey. The way I see it, you have the opportunity to right not just one wrong tonight but two.”
“What do you mean?”
“Go see your dad.”
“Why?” McKenna asked.
“Because Tank isn’t the only one you’ve been holding at arm’s length.
Part of your reason for moving to Baltimore was so that you’d have the chance to forge a relationship with your father.
You haven’t done that. Not really. And I’m concerned that until you address things with your dad, you’ll always hold part of yourself back from others out of fear of rejection. ”
McKenna blew out a long, slow sigh. “You’re really smart,” she finally said, begrudgingly.
Her mother, her favorite person on the planet, laughed loudly. “Damn right. I’ve waited a lifetime to hear you admit that. Now call your dad.”
Before McKenna could say okay to that, her mother told her she loved her and hung up.
And for the second time tonight, she dialed the phone before she could think better of it.
Dad answered on the second ring. “Hey, Kenny. What’s up?”
“I’m sorry for calling so late. I was, uh…I was wondering if I could come by.”
“Of course, you can.”
“Okay. I’m in my car now. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
They disconnected the phone. McKenna’s thoughts were so chaotic now, she feared her brain would implode. She was stressed enough about the Tank thing, so why in the hell did she think opening the whole dad can of worms was a good idea?
McKenna had been to her father’s place in Baltimore a handful of times since moving to the city, each time for dinner, except once just before the holidays when they exchanged gifts.
Ever since that initial face-to-face meeting at her graduation, her father began reaching out regularly, the two of them talking on the phone weekly, and he’d visited her at college at least once each semester for four years.
Mom wasn’t wrong about McKenna continuing to hold him at arm’s length, however. While she longed for a real father/daughter relationship, she honestly wasn’t sure how to get there, and it was clear her dad didn’t, either.
She had hoped the move to Baltimore would help, since they’d be in close proximity, but so far, the two of them had remained in the same “holding pattern,” where they both walked on eggshells around each other, keeping things casual and friendly.
Her dad was standing in the open doorway of his house when she parked in the driveway. It was clear from his face that he was concerned, which wasn’t a surprise, because she never dropped by like this.
She wasn’t sure what she expected tonight to bring…but she knew what she needed.
So when she climbed the porch steps, it felt like the most natural thing in the world to simply walk into his outstretched arms and sink into his warm, comforting embrace.
“Dad,” she said, her voice breaking as the tears she’d done a shitty job of holding back finally broke free in a torrent.
“Kenny,” he said, holding her tightly, his own voice a bit wobbly as it hit both of them that was the first time she’d ever called him Dad…instead of Dean.
Dean Fields was just twenty-one when he’d gotten the call from her mom about having a daughter.
To his credit, he’d immediately come to see her.
However, he’d been at the very beginning of his hockey career, playing for the Baltimore Stingrays.
While he’d admitted he wasn’t prepared to be a father, he’d done as much as he could at the time, which was to help support her financially.
Dad rocked her gently, shushing her in a soft voice. “It’s okay,” he reassured her. “Whatever it is, we’ll make it okay.”
They were the perfect dad words and exactly what she needed to hear. They calmed her, and she lifted her head.
Dad wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. “Tank?”
She nodded, half expecting him to lose his shit toward his player. After all, she’d spent the past few weeks listening to Tank bitch, as well as wonder, about why the coach was riding his ass.
McKenna was damn sure she knew why her father was giving Tank a hard time, but since she was the one who’d insisted on keeping her relationship with Dad a secret at work, she couldn’t tell Tank.
It was Mom who’d suggested McKenna call her father after she’d quit her job at Pete’s Sporting Goods, explaining that she wanted to start over in a new city.
Mom hadn’t been thrilled about the idea, but claimed she’d feel a hell of a lot better knowing that at least in Baltimore, her dad would be nearby.
Dad was thrilled when McKenna told him she was thinking about moving to the city.
So much so, he’d talked to Hugh and Benny about the possibility of his daughter with the marketing degree coming to work for the Stingrays.
Benny had been in the process of expanding the PR department, so he agreed to interview her.
Benny had assured her countless times that it was her interview that landed her the job, not nepotism, but she wasn’t sure she entirely believed that.
It was why she worked her ass off. It was also why she’d asked if Hugh and Benny would keep the nature of her relationship to the coach a secret—at least for a little while.
She wanted the time to prove herself capable of doing the job.
Dad was disappointed about not being able to introduce her as his daughter, but he understood, and because they were doing all that eggshell-walking, he agreed.