15. Chapter 15
Charlotte
After two days of my brain working overtime and leaving me unable to sleep, the day I have been dreading since I woke up from the accident has arrived.
My stomach is in knots and what little food I have eaten is threatening to make an appearance at any moment.
I look and feel like I’ve taken a trip on the hot mess express.
The realization my parents are gone and are never coming back hits me harder being in my hometown, and now I have to say goodbye to them whilst making small talk with their friends.
I can’t even escape as I’m wheelchair-bound, but at least I’ll have Wren and Jake with me.
Although I can’t be sure why, I’ve all but frozen them out since we got on the plane, and Jake even before then.
Grief hits everyone differently, I know that, but grieving aside, all I feel is guilt and shame.
I feel guilty for making it out of that accident alive, I feel shame for not remembering who Jake is, and worst of all, I feel sick to my stomach that if I hadn’t moved to San Diego, my parents wouldn’t have been there and the accident wouldn’t have happened.
I know this is irrational but try telling that to my brain.
Trying to distract myself, I pull up my work emails and deal with a few to keep my mind busy.
If I don’t, I’ll end up having another panic attack and now is not the time.
Luckily for me, I didn’t have too much in my inbox when I came out of hospital—Alyssa managed to field off a lot of it.
She helps me with a lot of my socials anyway as she’s a lot more technical than I am thanks to her influencer background.
Wren helped me get dressed this morning. I’m in a beautiful floral dress that I’m 99% sure is designer, and 100% confident is not mine.
My parents wouldn't want people in black; they would want their life to be celebrated and full of color, so that’s what we’ve told everyone. My hair is tied up in a bun and I have minimal makeup on. It’s the most effort I’ve made since being discharged, but my parents deserve this from me.
Wren wheels me into the suite’s sitting room and I see a note on the table with a single pink dahlia next to it. I pick up the beautiful flower and inhale its familiar scent. Then I pick up the note and read…
Lottie
I know you're scared but you can handle this.
I've gone to grab us all coffee. I won't be long.
Love Jake xx
A hand touches my knee, and I look up into Wren’s jade eyes, which are full of sadness and a touch watery. “Babe, I know you’re not in the right headspace to talk to any of us, but I’m always here. You know that, right?”
My eyes well up as I nod and pat around my cheeks to stop my makeup smearing. “I know, it’s just hard. I don’t know how to get out of this tornado of grief and sadness, and I worry I’ll be like this forever.”
“It gets easier, I promise,” a voice that is definitely not Wren's replies. As she moves to my side, I see Jake standing there with a tray of coffee. “When I lost my dad, I felt like the world had ended and I’d never be able to move on from it. Fuck, I thought I wanted to give up hockey. But time makes things a little bit easier. You’ll never forget them, but the loss becomes a little more manageable.
You know what helped me get through my grief?
” he asks as he moves toward me and places the coffee on the table.
“What?” I think that’s the first word I’ve spoken to him in at least thirty-six hours.
“You. You were my rock through that really fucking shitty time. You would listen to me rant on and on about how the world wasn’t fair and I hated everything and everyone, and you just listened. You let me lean on you, so now lean on me. Ok?”
I’m overwhelmed by this man’s kindness to me as his hand touches mine and I grip it like a lifeline. I may squeeze it a touch too tight, but if I do, he doesn’t complain, he just lets me. We stay like that until it’s time to go.
Jake helps me into the funeral car and puts my wheelchair in the trunk. When he sits next to me, I grab his hand and hold it in a death grip.
We stay silent for the entire journey and I’m grateful; I need to save as much social battery as I can. Wren has driven in her car with Sawyer so we can make a swift exit, just in case it’s too much or I need somewhere to go for a moment alone.
We’ve decided to hold the reception at my parents’ place. Wren's parents had cleaners go in and make sure everything was in order. I don’t know if I’m ready to step foot in there yet, but we will see how it goes later.
The funeral parlor has a lot more people in it than I anticipated and, once again, I thank my life-savers—Wren and her family—for inviting everyone here.
I wouldn’t have been able to make those calls, and my parents deserve everyone here to celebrate them.
It also makes me think the world is unfair for taking these beautiful people away.
Had it been me, there wouldn’t be so many people affected.
It would have been better all round. I drop my head in shame I’ve survived, and they haven’t.
If they weren’t visiting me, this never would have happened.
I need to put these thoughts aside for now, for my parents. They need me fully present to say goodbye.
We’re greeted outside by the celebrant and he advises me on the order of the ceremony, asking if I’d like to say a few words. Surprisingly, I have written a small speech I’d like to give, and I need to try for them—even if public speaking is my worst nightmare come true.
The coffins are already in position as Jake pushes me in.
And we’re closely followed by Wren and her parents.
“Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper filters through the room as we make our way to the front.
It was my parents' favorite song in the whole world. I look around at everyone who has come here today, not a shred of black to be seen. The mood is somber, with people swiping at their eyes and murmurs of how deeply my parents will be missed. The ache in my chest deepens with every look that’s thrown my way.
Looks of sorrow, pity, and sadness. It makes me want to curl into myself and become invisible.
Looking down at my hands, I start twiddling with my fingers to avoid eye contact with anyone else.
It’s too much, and my heart starts to pound out of my chest.
The celebrant starts by talking about my parents, how they met, what they did for a living, and about me.
We’re then given a few moments for reflection whilst we listen to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Judy Garland.
The Wizard of Oz was my mom’s favorite film, and my dad would watch it over and over again with her just because she loved it so much.
Up until this point, I had worked really hard to keep my emotions in check, but as soon as Judy started singing?
That was it. Now, Niagara Falls is gushing out of my eyes and I’m in no place to stop it.
Everything hits me once again like a tsunami, and I succumb to the pain of it all.
My head falls to my hands, my shoulders shake, and I struggle to breathe as the sobs come thick and fast. Warm arms envelop me, and I’m pulled forward onto someone's shoulder. Jake’s shoulder, his large hands rubbing soothing circles over my back as I lean further into his touch.
“It’s ok, Lotts. It’s ok, we’re all here for you,” he soothes.
I can’t bring myself to speak. I don’t even know if I can anymore; my tongue feels like a lead weight in my mouth. We stay locked in our embrace until the celebrant starts speaking again. It’s time for my eulogy, but I can’t even open my mouth. Yet again, Jake comes to my rescue.
“Lottie, do you want me to go up there and read it for you?” he whispers into my ear.
For the first time, I peel myself off his shoulder—refusing to look at the state my makeup has left his suit in—and take in the look of sincerity on his face.
He’d genuinely do this for me. I need to remember this man.
I give him a small nod and try to muster up a smile, which feels more like a grimace.
He squeezes my hands and, before standing, very quietly says, “I’d do anything for you, Lottie. If you don’t remember anything else, remember that.”
Wren hands him my speech and he walks to the podium.
“Uhm, hi everyone.” He clears his throat.
“You don’t know me, or maybe you do. I’m Jake, a friend of Lottie's. As you can imagine, today is an extremely difficult day for her—not having to say goodbye to one, but two, parents. I can’t even begin to fathom how she is feeling.
Anyway, Lottie has written a few words about Louisa and David, and I am honored to be able to recite these to you.
Mom, Dad.
I don't know how to live without you. Everyone says their parents are the best but I truly believe this with you.
Not only were you my mom and dad but you were also my best friends.
You understood my need for quiet and when I just wanted to be alone.
but would push me out of my comfort zone when I needed encouragement.
I don't know what I'm going to do now without you.
I'd like to finish this short but sweet speech with a quote from A.A. Milne or Winnie the Pooh. "How
lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
That sentiment will live on with me forever because I truly am the luckiest girl in the world even if it
doesn't feel like it now. I hope wherever you are in the afterlife, you're together and you will always be
in my heart.
Forever your little girl.
Charlotte xx
As Jake walks back toward me, tears in his own eyes at the words he’s spoken for me when I couldn’t, I can’t help but reach my arms out to him as he approaches.
I wrap my arms around him this time, surrounded by his warmth and comfort.
He smells incredible too, and so damn familiar—it’s citrusy and spicy at the same time, and I cannot get enough of it.
I take a deep inhale, like an addict trying to get their fix.
My mouth still feels like it’s stuffed with cotton wool, but I manage to choke out a thank you to him for doing that for me.
“Anytime, sweetheart.” He kisses my temple, and I let him go back to his seat.
"Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler plays as we pay our final respects to my mom and dad. We stay a while longer, just so I can have a moment alone with them before we head to my parents’ house. With a hand on each of their coffins, I sit there in the quiet as I cry for them, for me, for their friends, for everyone who never got to meet David and Louisa Bennett. And just before I leave, I whisper, “I’m sorry it was you and not me,” as I signal for Jake to come and get me.