Chapter 41
FORTY-ONE
FAITH
“There’s no denying the deep happiness I experienced in Aruba with Jude,” I mutter, staring at my hands as if they hold the answers.
“He invades my dreams. My thoughts circle around him, but I can’t shake off the doubt and worry completely.
I’ve been picturing how things would have unfolded if I hadn’t left the way I did. ”
“Always protecting yourself,” Addison declares with a knowing tone.
With my head in my hands, I say, “I’m regretting leaving him the way I did. And you’re right.”
The silence that follows is heavy as I ponder Addison and Kendall’s words. I’ve been playing it safe for so long and allowing worry and doubt to rule over my life. Not anymore. “Jude and I have hurdles to overcome, but I’m hoping he is still willing to figure it out—together.”
“You don’t give that guy enough credit,” Kendall says, her voice firm as she leans back in her chair, crossing her arms. “The look of determination in his eyes when we left that morning? It was like he was ready to move mountains for you. There’s no way he is giving up on you.”
“You really think so?” As soon as I say it, I realize it’s true.
He would do anything for me. With all my worries, I ignored his love for me and everything that happened in Aruba.
That’s why I need to talk to him. “Would it be insane to jump on a plane and fly to Colorado to surprise him?” I suggest the idea, half amazed that I’m actually contemplating such a spontaneous decision.
They’re probably going to think I’ve lost my mind. “He’s my soulmate.”
All three of them stare at me, their mouths gaping in disbelief while Kendall bursts into a frantic scream. “What?”
Clearly, my question caught them off guard.
“Maybe we won’t sort things out, but at least I’ll know I didn’t just walk away without trying. I don’t want to live with regrets when it comes to him. We’ve shared so much, and there’s a deep soul connection between us I can’t ignore. I feel like our hearts are truly tethered.”
“Holy shit, girl. You’re not crazy. You’re in love with him, and I’ll drive you to the airport!” Kendall shouts.
“I love him, and I need to tell him, but there’s a big hole in my plan. I have no idea where he lives.”
“Oh, hmm. That didn’t even cross my mind.” Kendall grabs her phone, searching for something. “I’ve got a solution. Let me see…Found it. Guess who has Klara’s phone number?” She makes a fist and points her thumb at herself.
I completely forgot that they had exchanged numbers to discuss the wedding.
“And you’re going to ask her for Jude’s address? She’s not going to just hand it over. I could be some kind of psycho,” I say, raising an eyebrow.
“You’re definitely not a psycho. And I’m calling her,” she replies confidently, rising from the couch. Her footsteps echo softly on the hardwood floor as she makes her way to the kitchen.
From my spot on the couch, all I can hear are the low, indistinct murmurs of her conversation. Suddenly, Kendall’s voice shoots up a level, filled with enthusiasm. “You’re the best, thank you. Please don’t mention it to Jude,” she says, her words brimming with gratitude and a hint of secrecy.
Did she convince Klara to give her Jude’s address? Miracle worker right there. My palms grow clammy, and I’m getting sweaty all over. I feel a little sick to my stomach.
Kendall enters the living room beaming. "I got it," she announces.
There’s no turning back now. I’m about to do something spontaneous.
With my heart pounding, I glance at my friends, who stand around me, their supportive smiles giving me the strength I need.
Taking a deep breath, I pull out my phone, my fingers trembling slightly as I tap on the screen.
I open the browser, my mind racing with a mix of excitement and fear, and I navigate to the airline’s website.
After a moment of hesitation, I select a round-trip ticket to Vail, Colorado for Wednesday night, and suddenly, the weight of my decision settles in.
Waking up on Monday morning with a renewed sense of purpose, I reach for my phone.
The light filters through the curtains and casts soft shadows on the walls.
Last night, while the girls were here, I sent a message through my therapist’s portal to see if I could get an appointment today.
Since I’m not scheduled to be back in the office until tomorrow, it would be great to meet with my therapist, Lori, today.
I silently pray she can fit me into her schedule.
Or perhaps, being a Monday, there might be a cancellation.
The whole Jude situation has come full circle, leaving me eager for her insight and to tell her about my trip to Colorado.
I’ve been seeing her for a few years now, and she’s well-versed in the Jude saga.
I log into the portal, scroll to the messages, and open them up.
There is an available appointment later today.
I confirm the appointment with one click.
A wave of relief washes over me, easing the tension in my shoulders.
I finally have a concrete plan in place for my otherwise impulsive trip, bringing a much-needed sense of order to my whirlwind idea.
I end up spending the day catching up on laundry and grocery shopping, then it’s time to head to my appointment.
“Where should we start?” Lori asks the hard questions.
I catch her up on the Aruba trip right up to the time I bought the plane ticket. Now, with her experience, she’ll guide me through some of the sticking points that had me freaking out and shutting down in the first place.
“Of everything that happened, what do you think stands out as the biggest issue between you and Jude?”
I take a minute to go through the issues and I say, “The biggest issue is us having biological children, and I’m so afraid he’ll leave me again.”
“What exactly did he say about children when you brought it up?”
I shake my head and search my memory for his exact words. “He wants kids and we can figure it out, but I took it as a brush off. It’s what people say to move onto what they want to talk about.”
“Why are you shaking your head?”
“Looking back, I remember how his eyes were full of love for me and how he attentively listened. Geez, maybe I took it as a brush off because I didn’t want to admit to myself that he is the one who would go to the ends of the earth for me.
He would be willing to figure it out. Instead, I made up the narrative for our story without giving him the opportunity to write his part. Ugh, Lori!” I say, knowing I was wrong.
“Take a deep breath. You realize now that he was listening to you, but you were listening to him with a filter of worry and doubt? His words wouldn’t have been received as intended, regardless of what he said.
Before he could leave you, you left him.
Before he could come up with a good enough answer about having kids, you decided for him.
You took control of a situation that was scary and vulnerable.
These might all have been subconscious decisions, but something I want to note for you to think about is that”—she pauses as I digest what she’s saying—“you know there’s no right choice in this situation.
It’s allowing yourself to make mistakes, to fumble along, and to learn and find your true happiness in life. ”
I feel like a Mack truck ran me over. The revelations are coming to light.
“I opted for the doomsday—the worst-case scenario outlook on what I thought was an impossible situation. All the worry and uncertainty clouded my judgement of how Jude and I would make things work. I’m not a let’s figure this out as we go kind of person. I like making plans.”
“Those are all great reflections, Faith. It made sense to protect yourself. You’ve built a life based on that, and you know we’ve talked about it before, but you can plan all day long, but in the end, the plan changes whether you like it or not.”
The times when someone can hold a mirror to your face and say, what do you see? That’s how I feel right now.
“We are unraveling the ball of yarn. As you know, we won’t solve this in one session. So as we wrap up, what is the new narrative?”
I giggle at myself. Despite all the schooling and therapy training, it’s always helpful to have an outside therapist helping you sort through your life challenges. There’s only so much I can do on my own. It takes an outside person to dig to the depths you don’t want to see.
“My new narrative is…I don’t have all the answers, but my heart is tugging at me to find Jude and talk to him about my fears and worries.
My new narrative is what I choose. I’m choosing happiness.
He lights me up like no one else has ever done, and the way my body reacts to him is nothing short of phenomenal.
I’m taking a chance that love will see us through to the other side.
That’s why I bought the plane ticket to surprise him.
I can’t wait any longer without telling him all of this. Our story isn’t over.”
“I’m excited that you are stepping out and flying to see him. You should be proud of that. It’s a big step for you. Please set up another appointment for next week so we can continue to dig into these feelings.”
“I will. Thank you again for giving me this spot on your calendar.” I walk out of the room, feeling grateful for my life.
I’m following my heart, which leads me straight to Jude.