Chapter 10b CJ #3
Diesel wasn’t going down that rabbit hole, so he simply said, “okay.”
“I might call Kaia,” Axel announced suddenly. “Make sure he’s okay ‘cause when we get home I don’t want no fucking belches that’ll piss Mom off again.”
“Hiccups.”
Axel growled.
“I’ll stop correcting you for now,” Diesel promised.
“I won’t call you a motherfucker then. Anyway, Kaia might cheer Reb up. She’s really sad, Diesel. She won’t go near a pool. Even though she has a cast on, she could come in the natatorium.”
Natatorium, huh? “Tell me again where you went shopping, Ax.”
“Rodeo Drive.”
Yeah, Diesel knew exactly where they were even before Ryan gave the thumbs up sign. Axel pronounced Ro-DAY-O as ro-dee-o.
Uncle Christopher and CJ sagged in relief.
“Oh, yeah, Diesel. Mom’s worried about you,” Axel revealed. “She said her leaving must be hardest on you ‘cause of your mom, but that she loves you very much and will talk to you when she gets home. So, I asked her could you call her mom and she said…drum roll…”
Diesel gritted his teeth to keep from snapping at Axel to reveal the answer.
“Drum roll, Diesel.”
Knowing it was useless to argue, Diesel obliged.
“She said it’s up to you, but she feels like a poster ‘cause if she had been a good mom to you, you wouldn’t be so upset over your real mom and she should’ve made you get counseling instead of letting you choose.
She said she failed you like she failed Rule, so she doesn’t think she deserves to be called your mom. ”
“What?”
“Before they all came in and was cooking and stuff, it was just Mom and Lolly. And, D., Mom wants Uncle Johnnie, Uncle Digger, and Uncle Cash dead.” Axel laughed happily.
“Do you know Uncle Johnnie went to Mom when she was in the hospital and said a bunch of stuffs about how CJ should’ve been his?
She thought he was going to strangle her?
Told you that motherfucker was insane. She was really scared and she was praying you or Dad or Uncle Mort walked in.
And Uncle Digger did worse stuff to Mom than she let on.
He was starting rumors about her and everything.
Then, Uncle Cash is Uncle Cash. But she’s scared that Uncle Johnnie and Uncle Cash will do something that gets Dad hurt.
She’s so mad at them because they are dangering her husband and she’ll see them dead first. Her words.
Then, she talked about me, Ryder, and Ransom.
She said she’s accepted that you and CJ aren’t hers anymore, but suppose the club members turn against Dad and her babies–my men and me–are there when we haven’t even gotten a chance to live yet.
It was hard to keep spying ‘cause I started to cry. Unfortunately, Mom and Lolly agreed she can’t order those motherfuckers’ deaths.
One, ‘cause of Dad. She thinks he’s good and that would make him feel bad.
” The little motherfucker roared with laughter.
“Two, ‘cause of Aunt Bunny, Aunt Kendall, Aunt Fee, and Uncle Mort. She said their deaths would destroy our family when we were finally feeling like a family. Ryan liked us again and Dad likes Aunt Kendall like a sister.” He sighed. “Mom’s just really sad about so much and mostly it has to do with us and Dad. When we get home, I’m not going to the club as much.
I’m going to tell Ran and Ry to try to stay home a little more.
Oh, oh, oh! She said Kaia isn’t cut out to be a biker, so he’s perfect for Rebel. I forgot that part.”
Kaia’s death moved from Diesel’s urgent list to priority number one. “How long were you eavesdropping?”
“After I left the natatorium, I washed off the sunscreen so Mom wouldn’t know how much fun I was having, then I went to the kitchen for juice and she was sitting at the counter, talking to Lolly, so I got a coloring book and pretended to color but I was actually listening.”
“Axel, where are you, love?” Aunt Meggie’s voice rose in the background and suddenly the entire room came alive. They all rushed to the bar and surrounded it, staring at Diesel’s phone. “It’s almost time for dinner…you have your phone?”
“I’m bored, Mom,” Axel complained. “I just wanted to talk to Diesel. He won’t rat me out, I promise.”
Diesel winced.
“Diesel? Are you still on the phone, son?” Aunt Meggie asked coolly, not sounding at all sad or heartbroken. “Hello?”
“I’m here, Aunt Meggie.”
Uncle Christopher reached his hand out as if he could touch her, but then shook his head and drew it back.
“If you track this phone, I’m never talking to you again.”
Diesel exchanged a glance with Ryan. “Aunt Meggie–”
“Don’t, Diesel.”
“We miss you,” he said softly.
“You do just fine without me,” she retorted.
“That isn’t true.”
“It most certainly is. I was in everyone’s way, son,” she said dully, and he thought–hoped–she sniffled.
“C-Christopher refuses to even recognize our upcoming anniversary. I just wanted time alone…it doesn’t matter.
What does? All of you knew about Rule. You went to avenge him.
What if something happened to you? I doubt I would’ve known why.
I just would’ve had to live with the grief of losing another son. ”
“I’m sorry. We just wanted to protect you–”
“As if I’m a wilting flower? As if I haven’t lived with the possibility of not seeing you or your father every time you walk out the door? Do you really think that little of me? Never mind. You do. You all do. Except Mortician, Stretch, and Val.”
“Come home, Aunt Meggie. Please,” Diesel begged.
“I will. I just don’t know when.”
“If I promise not to tell anyone, can I call you?”
“I don’t have my phone, Diesel.”
“You have a burner. Give me the number. I won’t tell Uncle Christopher or CJ.”
Silence and then: “How is he?”
“He’s suffering.” Diesel met Uncle Christopher’s gaze. “He misses you so much.”
“I suppose I’m wasting my breath, but I hope he goes to school Monday.”
“Uh, oh. I thought you meant Uncle Christopher.”
“How’s Ransom and Ryder?” she asked, instead of responding to Diesel.
He related to the panic dropping into Uncle Christopher’s eyes.
“The boys miss you,” Diesel told her, truly afraid that she didn’t intend to return anytime soon. “I miss you. We all do. Bishop.”
“And Kaia?”
“He’s here.”
“Make sure it stays that way.”
Diesel searched his mind for a way to reach her. He hated to use an underhanded move because he understood why she’d reached this point, but he didn’t know what else to do. “Are you truly deserting me too?”
She fucking laughed. “Don’t even try to play me, son. You deserted me a long time ago, aligning firmly with your daddy while you were still in college.”
“That isn’t true. Please–”
“I’m hungry, Diesel. This conversation is going nowhere. The surgery is scheduled for early April so I will be home by then.”
“That’s two fucking weeks away!” Diesel cried.
“You can communicate with Axel–”
“Wait! Aunt Meggie, wait. Please. Suppose I arrange a visit with you and Rule?”
“Of course, because I can’t do anything without permission, right, son?”
“No, I didn’t mean that!”
“Save it. I’m not interested in your help. If you want to talk to Axel, that’s fine. Do not give away our location. Or else.”
The silence following Mom’s abrupt hanging up unnerved CJ and was as bad as his self-pity, fear that he might never see her again, and anger that she’d left.
Hearing Axel tear CJ apart left him even more angry and sad.
One thing his little brother was right about was CJ’s need to respect everyone.
On the other hand, when he was a kid, he’d been hell on wheels, too.
Axel might change his perspective once he matured.
Dad walked woodenly to the nearest chair and dropped into it, his mouth tight and his face drawn. The dark circles around his eyes indicated how little rest he’d had in the hours since they discovered Mom’s departure.
“Ax is right,” Ryder said quietly, still standing near the bar and staring at Diesel’s phone. “We can’t go to the club as much.” He swung his gaze to Dad. “Right?”
“You can’t fuckin’ come unless your ma give permission,” Dad said, pain woven into each word he pushed out. Leaning forward, he dropped his head into his hands. “She had you lil’ motherfuckers on a schedule.”
“We don’t even need beer,” Ransom decided. “Not if it means Mom stays.”
“I can’t fuckin’ believe Megan left me,” Dad said tiredly, and his voice cracked.
“She’ll come back, Uncle Christopher,” Ryan said, reminding CJ of his presence. “Or if you want to go to California, I’m sure you already know where she’s at.”
“I can’t,” Dad whispered, and raised his watery green gaze, glancing between them before finally settling on Diesel. “Your ma ain’t in a forgivin’ mood. If I fuckin’ ride to Cali, she gonna know you gave up her location.”
Bleakness settled into Diesel’s expression and his shoulders slumped. “Go, Uncle Christopher,” he said softly. “I broke Axel’s confidence, too. I…” He paused and shrugged. “Go. I’ll live with the consequences of my actions.”
Dad thought for a moment, then shook his head. “She need time to figure shit out. I pushed her to this and I ain’t going to win no fuckin’ points with her by crowdin’ her.” His nose reddened and he blinked. “Megan love me. She comin’ back.”
“As Hell Goddess or Sweet Angel?” Ransom asked.
“She could be motherfuckin’ Satan and I ain’t givin’ a good fuck.
” Dad scrubbed a hand over his face. “If she want me to kiss her fuckin’ feet every fuckin’ day, I will.
If she want me to kill Johnnie, Cash, Digger, a priest, a nun, and a doctor, I will.
Whatever Megan want when she come back, it’s hers.
If she want me to blind myfuckinself so I ain’t ever seein’ another bitch, I’ll pluck my fuckin’ eyes out. ”
It might’ve been funny if Dad wasn’t dead ass serious.
“What about another Jo?” Ryder questioned. “I m-mean a new baby?”
Dad covered his face. “If she want ten more lil motherfuckers, Ima put ten more in her. I just…she can’t have the fuckin’ surgery right now while she’s so fuckin’ upset. She might regret that and then start hatin’ on me all over again.”
“Maybe you should talk to Aunt Jordan?” CJ suggested, finally finding his voice. “Explain the situation. Apologize to her and ask her to talk to Mom.”
“We were all so unfair to her, Dad.” Ransom sniffled. “And now she’s gone. She came to check on me Wednesday night because of my nightmares and I told her that Dad had already come in. She looked so sad, but I didn’t say nothing because I thought she knew we were on her side.”
Shame crossed Dad’s face. “Ain’t no sides, son. And I’m so fuckin’ sorry I made it seem that way. I shut your ma out and we all payin’ the fuckin’ price.”
Ryan cleared his throat and shifted from foot to foot. “Do you think we can call Axel back and see if he’d bring the phone to my mom? The house isn’t the same without her and Harley.”
“I’ll tell Ax to call you, Ryan,” Diesel promised. “He probably won’t let you talk to Aunt Zoann but you can ask him about her.”
“Thanks. I-I’d like that.” He looked at Dad. “What do you want me to do with the coordinates? Tell Pops or anyone?”
“No, boy,” Dad responded. “Keep it to yourself for now.”
“Okay,” Ryan croaked, then started out the door. He halted and turned. “Can I say hi to Kaia?”
Bishop stood. “I’ll show you his room.”
Once Ryan and Bishop departed, CJ took a seat across from Dad and leaned his head back, starving and exhausted. A dull ache plagued his temples, bearable if Mom was there, fussing over him.
Something she hadn’t done since before she gave birth to Jo.
“I feel like such an asshole, Dad,” CJ croaked. “I’ve been wondering why Mom pushed me away, but listening to Axel, I realize I pushed her away.”
“Join that assfuck club, son,” Dad responded morosely. “I’m the biggest fuckin’ one. Megan gave me chance after fuckin’ chance. I just…she comin’ back.”
Suddenly, CJ realized Dad wasn’t as certain as he pretended. Mom’s departure threw him for a loop and left him drowning.
“Dad, you know Uncle Johnnie has to die?” Ryder said into the silence. “Just like Uncle Cash and Uncle Digger. They hurt Mom, too. No matter what she says about having Uncle Mort, Uncle Val, and Uncle Stretch in her corner, she really didn’t. They would always be loyal to you first.”
“Not Uncle Mort,” CJ argued. “Especially if it wasn’t strictly club related. He’d find a way to protect Mom. She really does have him.” He hung his head. “When she didn’t have none of us.”
Leaning back, Dad closed his eyes. “But even Mort didn’t tell her about Rule and the rectory. She asked him and he told her to talk to me.”
Deafening silence followed Dad’s disclosure.
Ransom sat on one of the bar stools and began to cry, while Diesel clenched his jaw and Ryder blinked rapidly. Dad stared at the ceiling.
All of the hot emotions that had run through CJ deserted him, leaving him hollow inside.
“Suppose Mom doesn’t come back?” Ryder said, his voice trembling.
“Megan comin’ back,” Dad said flatly. “She love me. I just…fuck!” He blew out a heavy breath and straightened, then shook his head and began to laugh, ignoring the tears sliding down his cheeks.
“That lil’ pain in the ass motherfucker put me in my motherfuckin’ place, ain’t she?
” Pressing his lips together, he wiped the tears away and heaved in a breath.
“Axel right, Ryder. We can’t kill those three fuckheads cuz of your aunts and Mort.
And Stretch, too. Ain’t meanin’ I ain’t beatin’ the fuck out of Cash on fuckin’ sight.
Befuckinsides, I need Johnnie around for right now. ”
“But why?” Ryder insisted.”
“Because–” Dad snapped his mouth closed, glanced away, before meeting Ryder’s gaze and shrugged. “Club business, son.”
Ryder’s eyes widened, then he nodded. “Oh, right. I’m not old enough to join so I don’t need to know club business.”
“Yeah.” Dad looked at CJ. “Don’t blame your ma for leavin’.”
“I don’t,” he said quietly. “I just wish I could tell her how much I love her and miss her.”
“You will, boy. She comin’ back,” he said for the thousandth time.
“I think I’m gonna pick up that blue diamond sooner than October.
And I’m gonna plan an anniversary trip for me and her.
She wanted to go to a cabin. Not the one Tabitha was sendin’ us to, but another one.
By the time she come home, I’m gonna have it all planned. ”
For the first time in hours, Dad sounded hopeful. He firmly believed Mom would return.
CJ prayed Dad’s instincts hadn’t been compromised by stress and he would be proven right. If Mom didn’t return soon, CJ didn’t know what he’d do.