Chapter 27b. Rebel #2
Once they got home, she’d stay in her room. She wouldn’t have to pretend that she wasn’t devastated beyond reason over Diesel. Or that she didn’t hate him and wish death upon his putrid head.
She wouldn’t have to force food down, so Momma wouldn’t worry after going through so much trouble on Rebel’s behalf.
The meal was okay. Momma and Lolly were better cooks.
After they finished eating and what’s his face cleared everything away, Momma offered to watch a movie with Rebel, but she declined.
Not interested in much—not even the fact that they had a butler.
She was so uninterested as a matter of fact, she couldn’t even remember his name.
He was just a handsome cat daddy who made googly eyes at Momma which she didn’t notice because he wasn’t Daddy.
Rebel snorted, missing CJ and Axel, though time away from Diesel and that man relieved her. She didn’t have to look at either of them and remember how much they’d crushed her.
A father was a girl’s first love, a blueprint for her future with the opposite sex, good or bad.
Maybe that’s why Rebel had attached herself to Diesel. She’d thought he was smart, funny, and a bad ass just like Daddy.
That motherfucker was like him, all right. Raggedy, ratchet, and wretched.
“Reb?” Mama called as she opened the bedroom door and stepped in.
She still wore the orthopedic boot but didn’t wince with each step she took.
She sat next to Rebel, wrapped an arm around her, and pulled her close.
“Do you want to join me on the terrace? I was thinking about going for a midnight swim.”
“Swimming is fun. Was fun.” She frowned. “Is fun. If water isn’t involved.”
“I know of no other way to swim, love.”
Neither did Rebel, although she wished there was.
She’d loved going to the natatorium, listening to music, and enjoying her own company.
Dreaming of a future with Diesel and, more recently, Kaia.
Thinking about what new outfit she wanted.
Wondering when Daddy would bring her a fixer-upper, then realizing he was too lost in stupid motherfuckery to even remember Rebel enjoyed working on bikes because he’d fostered that love inside her.
Fuck him and fuck Diesel.
She pulled away from her mother. “You’ll be happy to know that if Diesel looks at me, I’ll kill him.”
“Any particular reason why?”
She shrugged. “I hate him.”
“Ah. That explains it.”
At the sardonic tone, Rebel smiled. “It doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“No. Just your feelings are important, sweetheart.”
“You didn’t feel that way when I said I loved him,” Rebel pointed out, compelled to do so. “I-I wish you had.”
“I understand, Reb.” Momma rubbed Rebel’s back and met her gaze.
“Love isn’t easy,” she said softly. “It can be selfish even when selflessness is needed. It can send you soaring into the brightest light or crashing into the darkest abyss. But when you love someone, you love all of them. You can’t pick and choose, then send the parts you don’t like back to the drawing board.
It doesn’t work that way. People don’t work that way. ”
“Do you want me with Diesel or not?”
“We’ve been through this. We’ve been through it all actually.
I’m trying to find words that’ll sink in when nothing but growing up will do that.
You can’t change someone else. You can only change yourself.
Either accept them as they are or tell them you can’t and walk away for yourself.
Not to prove a point or force them to change. ”
Rebel still didn’t understand.
“I came to LA to come to terms with a lot of things, Reb. Mainly I came to find the strength I needed. I came for me. Not to force your daddy into doing anything. Did I hope it would be a wake-up call? I did. But it was still for me. Not him.” Momma combed her fingers through her hair.
“It will take something drastic for Diesel to change. Now not only do you have his affair with Torie, you have to contend with Jana. Who’s innocent in this situation, by the way. ”
Rebel sighed.
“My god,” Momma groaned, tipping her head back. “I wish Christopher could kill her again.”
“Don’t forget he fucked Gypsy,” Rebel said morosely.
Hugging Rebel tightly, Momma kissed her temple, then leaned back.
“Sweetheart, Diesel isn’t the man for you, but he’s grown.
He has sex. He’s slept with most, if not all, of the club girls.
Their mothers. Their sisters. He is a sex addict, Rebel.
As distasteful and disgusting as it is that he slept with the woman who tried to ruin my marriage, it isn’t surprising.
Or one of my friends. Or…or… whoever. You will never change him, love.
What you can do is accept him as your brother and love him, warts and all. As a family member,” she reiterated.
“But I love him!” Rebel cried, not meaning to sound so spoiled, remembering her horrible behavior from last summer.
“I do. I love Diesel so much and I want to marry him and have his babies and…” She gasped, hardly able to bear the pain that Diesel had slept with Torie or Gypsy or every woman he charmed, which was most women.
Sometimes, she still couldn’t believe he’d been stupid enough to marry Tabitha.
Was still married to her and, yet, had moved another woman into their house.
His endless stable of women made Rebel want to puke. She could forgive him for most of them, but the idea of him with Torie still nauseated her. The woman had turned her father stupid and chastised Rebel as if she were her mother. The woman tried to run Momma away.
Rebel clutched her chest, sobbing.
Momma grabbed her. “Breathe, Reb,” she ordered, her frantic tone breaking through Rebel’s despair. “Breathe.”
Rebel drew in deeply, her heart pounding, breaking.
Momma pulled her into her arms. “First love is always hard, baby,” she said fiercely. “Especially the unrequited kind, but I swear to you, it works out in the end. If you’re meant to be with Diesel, you will be no matter what Christopher and I say or do.”
Clinging to her mother, appreciating her gentleness, Rebel slowly calmed herself and laid her head on Momma’s shoulder.
“I-I don’t…I-I couldn’t be with a cheater. It would slowly break me. I used to want a man like Daddy.”
“Oh, my love, there’s no better man than your father.”
“I beg to differ.”
Laughing, Momma leaned away and took Rebel’s face between her hands. “Christopher can do idiotic things, sweetheart, but he loves us.”
“Do you really believe he never cheated?” Rebel whispered, tears slipping down her cheeks fast and furious all over again.
Momma smiled gently. “Now I do. The damage has been done, though. He’s hurt that I thought he’d ever betray me and I’m upset that he won’t understand how I could believe that.”
“But he’s done so much more to you and it all started with her. I know you don’t understand that he had feelings for her. I saw it.”
“I understand more than you think, Reb,” Momma chided.
“But—”
“But put everything together and we get to where we are now. Our lives infected with mistrust, like a terrible disease, and our bond eroding. Most of the time, I give in. I couldn’t this time. What I’ve been trying to tell him has to sink in.”
“Are you afraid he will cheat?”
“I’m afraid he won’t remember that I’m not a robot who continues to smile and overlook repeated insults.” Momma dropped her guard for a moment and the pain and vulnerability in her eyes told Rebel a lot, even though she smiled. “He didn’t even think I should know about Rule.”
Rebel swiped the tears from her cheeks. “I’m sorry, Momma.”
“No, love. It isn’t your fault. Your daddy’s a complicated man who I love with everything in me,” she said fiercely, as if Rebel didn’t remember her earlier avowal.
Daddy better get his act together and see what a lucky man he was or Rebel would make him suffer.
“I love Christopher. I’m in love with Christopher. ”
“Simp,” Rebel teased, determined to have a sit down with that idiot.
Momma giggled. “Kendall says I’m smarmy.”
“Ewww, old timers!”
Laughing, Momma pinched Rebel playfully. “We aren’t old, daughter.”
“You aren’t,” Rebel agreed. “You both are beautiful, intelligent—” Visions of Daddy and Uncle Johnnie rose in her head. “Reasonably intelligent women.”
“Oh, the shade,” Momma said with dramatic flair, placing a hand on her chest and shivering.
“Even if smarmy is outdated to me, I agree with Aunt Kendall.”
“Fair enough,” Momma said.
They were silent until another question popped into Rebel’s head.
“Does Daddy feel the same way about you?”
“Yes, love,” Momma answered without hesitation. “Girl to girl? The way a man looks at you tells you a lot.”
Unsure how to respond, Rebel nodded. “Should I forgive Daddy?” she whispered.
“No matter what happens between Christopher and I, he’s still your daddy, sweetheart. He loves you.”
“But he has his sons. Even CJ sides with him. You, me, and Jo need to stick together.”
“I agree. If you stay angry with Christopher, then when we do need to band together, it won’t be effective.
” Momma cocked her head to the side. “Would you pay attention to someone suddenly giving you the cold-shoulder if they barely spoke to you in the first place? Or someone who screams at you when all they do is talk to you with hostility?”
“I’m not like Daddy,” Rebel said with a little sniff.
Momma’s loud laughter drew giggles from Rebel.
“You’re exactly like Christopher, love. More than anyone except Diesel.”
Rebel frowned. “That makes me feel creepy.”
“How so?”
Heat rose into Rebel’s cheeks and her shoulders slumped. “Saying Diesel and I are both like Daddy makes me feel gross. It…it feels like we’re both Daddy’s children. It makes me ashamed. It’s like I’m broken and don’t deserve to love or to be happy if I feel that way about my brother.”