Chapter Thirty-One
Pressing the pause button on her music app, Mattie smiled at CJ.
He’d been home for three days and the updates from her parents and her brother no longer appeased her.
She wanted to see for herself that he was okay.
After she finished her homework and helped clean up the kitchen, she asked her mother if she could visit her cousin.
Of course, Daddy said no because it was a school night and Rory said yes because it was an excuse to visit CJ again.
Luckily, Momma told both of them to go hang and allowed her to go.
Now, two hours later, she was still with him. They’d started out playing games on his Nintendo Switch. Tired of losing, she’d suggested songs.
“As long as I can choose them,” he’d said.
“You’re the patient, so of course you can.”
Nearing ten at night, it was time for her to leave.
Except she didn’t want to until she figured out how to express how scared she’d been and how grateful she was he hadn’t died.
Yet no words came. Outside of Rory, CJ was the closest male member of her family.
She and her father were making slow, painful strides toward reconciliation but he still had his moments.
Like tonight.
She grabbed her phone and stuffed it in her pocket, frustrated in herself.
One reason she adored CJ so much was because he never judged her.
Yet fear of rejection and memories of the humiliation she suffered at the hands of her father, Eric, Billy, and Wally haunted her.
Even though there’d been nothing sexual in Daddy’s degradation, somehow she felt it more keenly.
She’d disappointed him, so he made her feel like a disappointment.
“I have to go, cousin,” she said breezily.
CJ smiled gently and got to his feet, hugging her tightly. Releasing her, he tweaked her ponytail.
“Thank you for hanging out with me. We need to do it more often.”
“Rory would lock me in the fucking storage shed,” she said, laughing. “He’s so annoyed that I came without him.”
“Fuck him, Matt,” CJ said, snickering. “He spent most of the goddamn day with me.”
“That asshole! Laying a guilt trip on me.”
“Just let me know. I’ll deal with him if he fucks with you.”
“Is that offer only available in this instance or for anything?”
“For everything.”
She held out her hand. “Deal,” she said happily.
“Deal, bae,” he said, shaking to seal it.
Thank you for always being in my corner swirled around in her head, slipped to the tip of her tongue and rolled down her throat again .
“It’s all good, Mattie,” CJ swore, somehow as perceptive as Uncle Christopher. “We’re cousins first and foremost but we’re friends, and I’ve always enjoyed spending time with you.” He kissed her cheek. “I’m so fucking happy to be alive and I was so scared. I thought I would die.”
“How many times have you said that over the past several days?”
“To our aunts. To Lolly. To our uncles. To my brothers. To Rebel, my father, my mother. To the Riggs brothers. To my teachers. To my friends on the team.”
“Everybody then. Too many to count.”
He nodded. “Except your dad, Ryan, Aunt Bailey, and Harley.” He sighed. “And Bishop. They’re hiding. Diesel told me where they’re at. One reason I barely leave my room. I’m trying to figure out how to get them off the hook.”
Mattie frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“Mom and Dad won’t stray far until I’m completely better. If I start acting normal, Dad’ll probably realize all the places he didn’t look. Then that’s their fucking asses.”
“Diesel knows.”
“Diesel swears he won’t hurt them.”
“You believe him?”
“Not really, but there’s not much else I can do.”
“Uncle Mort might be able to help you.”
CJ thought for a moment. “You’re right. If he does, I’d have to leave my room.”
“You don’t want to?” Mattie asked, confused.
“I don’t know what I want,” CJ confessed. “I always thought I was accepted because I was Outlaw’s son. But they just pretended. When I go back to the club…” His voice trailed off and he shrugged.
“Don’t try to be the son of Outlaw,” Mattie advised. “Be CJ . Make them see you. Finish high school. Carve out your own name. ”
“Rebel said I should think about something other than the club as my life goal.”
“You have to do whatever makes you happy, but maybe if you pulled back and eased your way in, your brothers would, too, and Aunt Meggie wouldn’t be suffering so much.”
CJ narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean by that?”
“Nothing,” she responded in a small voice. “Forget I said anything.”
“I’m sorry. That came out wrong. I didn’t mean I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I’m…it shocked me, that’s all.”
“It’s just a theory,” Mattie said cautiously. “But don’t you think Aunt Meggie wouldn’t be so, er, different , if…if, er, you each joined the club separately and stuck to the plan she and Uncle Christopher came up with?”
“Where I went to college and just delayed the inevitable?”
“It isn’t inevitable,” Mattie argued. “You don’t have to join.”
“Yes, I do! It’s the only life I know.”
“That isn’t true. You like football! We got into cheerleading because you were on the football team.”
“Matt, you just don’t understand. This school year is endless. One thing after the other has happened. I wanted to experience college, but it isn’t possible. There’s no way I could balance a higher education and earning my patch.”
“You were supposed to do it after you got your degree. Like Diesel.”
CJ shrugged. “I want to follow in my dad’s footsteps. I can’t do both. I can’t lead a double life.”
“You can! You’re so smart. You can do college stuff and club stuff.”
He grinned, and she blushed, then giggled nervously .
“Rule wants to be a priest or whatever,” she continued, still determined to change his mind.
“When Ryder is of legal age and able to enter the club, you’ll be twenty-three.
Presumably graduated and about ready to patch in.
Aunt Meggie will have had years to adjust. Bam, bam, bam.
Ryder, Ransom, and Axel. On their way to patching in.
She’ll have another seven years before it’s Gunner’s turn. ”
“You’ve noticed Mom’s different, too, huh?”
Mattie lifted a be-fucking-for-real brow.
“She’s ordering people killed . She’s remorseless about it.
Not that I blame her. They’ve put her through a lot.
But my Aunt Meggie loves to dance and laugh and help people.
Do you know the first time Momma and me danced while we were cooking was because it was a day or two after a family get-together and we’d been helping your mom?
She made it so much fun. We used spoons and spatulas as microphones.
They put me and Rebel up on the counter and pretended we were on the stage. ”
Aunt Meggie had had boundless energy and limitless love.
Whereas Momma made art and literature enjoyable, Aunt Meggie turned mundane tasks such as cooking into fun.
Aunt Bunny always brought up the rear simply because there were so many kids and she was Aunt Meggie’s assistant.
Once a year, Aunt Zoann took the kids camping.
Aunt Jordan hosted sleepovers and Aunt Georgie welcomed them in Denver whenever they wanted to go.
Since Harley was mostly at CJ’s, Aunt Bailey didn’t deal with them much, while Aunt Ophelia seemed lost in her own world.
As Mattie got older, she realized it probably had to do with her unconventional relationship.
All her aunts contributed something, yet, somehow, they expected so much of Aunt Meggie.
Even as whispers swirled about everything from her age to her marriage to her Mary Poppins behavior, she still held it all together, and loved and protected them.
Sooner or later, she wouldn’t return her protection to Daddy.
Mattie swallowed. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, compelled to apologize when she realized why she’d started the conversation.
As long as her father was alive, they could repair their relationship. If he ended up dead, all hope was gone.
“Your overdose just threw me completely off-kilter.”
“Tell me about it,” CJ said dryly. “You and me both.”
She flushed. “I have to go,” she mumbled, and rushed to the door.
“Mattie?”
Opening the door, she glanced over her shoulder.
“You knew just what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. Stop doubting yourself and speak whatever is on your mind. No one holds it against you. Least of all me.”
She nodded and threw her cousin a grateful smile, then slipped out the door, his words ringing in her ears.