Chapter 10 #2
“I was but you’re grandma wanted that for me.
That’s why it was so easy for me to walk away from.
I know it didn’t make sense, but I started to live for the time when Malichi would act like the man I fell in love with again.
The times were few and far, but each time would hold me over until the next.
A year before you were born your dad tried to kill himself.
I found him in his car with a gun to his head.
He didn’t care that I was there. He pulled the trigger, but it didn’t go off.
It. Misfired or whatever you call it. I was grateful and your dad started calling me his angel.
He made me promise to never leave him because if I did, he was going to kill himself.
I believed him. So, I stayed by his side.
I tried to love him so much that he would change.
Obviously, that was foolish thinking and I’m sure you won’t agree with me, but your dad was really the love of my life, and I don’t regret the life we shared together. ”
My mom was right I didn’t agree and it made me even sad to know she basically spent her life loving a man who never would love her the way she loved him. However, I wasn’t going to be. The one to be negative. “Yeah, as long as you were happy.”
“You know I always admired how you were able to walk away from Mikael to follow your dreams. It may have not felt like it, but you made the right decision. Love isn’t always pretty and it doesn’t turn out how we’d always envision.”
“Thanks,” I softly replied wishing I could have the same sentiments.
If there was one thing I often wondered about was if I did the right thing with my relationship with Mikael. A part of me wished I would have kept our baby. I knew our lives would have been different, but who was to say it was for the better. I guess I would never really know.
*********************
The Funeral
My palms were sweaty and my eyes kept darting towards the door.
I was supposed to be listening to the preacher give his moving speech about the amazing man my dad was supposed to be.
My mind was everywhere but the lies coming from the preacher’s mouth.
I had checked out when my auntie Corretta got up there lying through her front teeth about my dad being a loving husband and father.
My dad and aunt Corretta weren’t even speaking when he passed away.
I couldn’t stop the scoff that had fallen from my lips.
My mom elbowed me and I pretended to be sorry.
The more of my dad’s family that spoke lies about the men he was the less I listened to anything they had to say.
My focus was on the doors at the back of the church.
When we first arrived, I was a ball of nerves because I thought Mikael was going to be here already, but he wasn’t.
I was able to breathe easier. I kept getting this nagging feeling that something was going to go wrong.
Lamelle had asked me a million times if I was okay and I kept telling him I was fine.
His concern was aggravating me even though it shouldn’t have.
Lamelle wouldn’t stop trying to hold my hand no matter how many times I pulled my hand back from his.
I appreciated him trying to be supportive, but he wasn’t helping me at the moment. I needed this funeral to be over asap.
Things could never go my way…I smelled him before I could see him.
His Creed Daylight college smelled heavenly.
He was on the side of my mom. Out the corner of my eye I could see him bending over hugging my mom.
I couldn't make out either of their words as they both spoke in whispers. Don’t look. Don’t do it. Fuck.
I sucked in a breath of air as I locked eyes with Mikael in all his glory.
Why was he so damn fine? Mikael mugged me then breaking our gaze he focused back on my mom.
As she beckoned me to scoot over to make room for Mikael to sit down.
I wanted to refuse but I wasn’t going to test my mom’s patience.
I begrudgingly moved over and Mikael smoothly took a seat next to my mom.
I tried to focus on the preacher who was introducing my older brother Malichi Jr, and yes, I said older.
I wasn’t my dad's first child; I was his second.
Then after me was Yanna and Tahiry. For the most part I got along with all my siblings.
We never let our parents' drama interfere with our relationship.
Being that we all had different moms, things could get super chaotic.
MJ being the oldest, he took over as being the protector our father failed to be.
He didn’t fool with our dad too much, but his mom had been our dad’s faithful side chick to the end.
Unfortunately for her she wasn’t invited to our dad’s funeral.
It was the one demand my mom made and MJ understood.
Yanna and I were the closest because we were both the same age.
I was literally born a month before her.
We kind of fell off once I moved away. We still talked consistently over the phone.
But life kept us both busy. Yanna was like me when it came to our dad.
She didn’t fool with him too much. He never wanted to claim her.
Yanna’s mom had to take our dad to court and get a DNA test before he admitted to fathering Yanna.
Nobody wanted to address the reason our dad didn’t care for me or Yanna, but it was because we’d inherited the one thing he hated about himself the most: his skin complexion.
Tahiry was the youngest, she’d just turned eighteen and oddly my dad doted on her.
You would have thought Tahiry was his only child.
She never experienced the version of our dad that we knew.
It just so happened that Tahiry is part Hispanic and she had a light brown skin complexion.
Everybody knew why she was his favorite, but no one ever wanted to address my dad’s dislike for darker skin complexions.
I was thankful for my mom, although she was fair skinned, she made sure I knew how beautiful I am too.
Our dad saw Tahiry as his perfect daughter because she came out lighter and he treated her like so.
It made it difficult for her to understand how we felt and her being so young she didn’t get it.
Tahiry had been devastated about our father dying.
I felt how I felt about our dad I put my feelings to the side to be there for my sister.
I didn’t go in on him like I really wanted to.
My mom had to be another level of strong I would never be because she knew about every one of my dad’s outside kids.
She’d built her own relationship with each one of them.
Even allowing Tahiry to move in with them when she was ten because her mom was sick of raising her alone.
When I say it couldn’t be me, I mean that with everything in me.
“Hey” Lamelle leaned over whispering in my ear. “Isn’t that the dude from the mall?”
I gave Lamelle a tight lipped response. “Mmmhmm.”
“I thought you didn’t know him?”
“I don’t,” I mumbled softly as I ignored Mikael's gaze that I felt burning a hole into the side of my face.
I went on autopilot after that. I stopped answering Lamelle’s millions of questions and I focused on getting through the rest of this day.
As soon as they carried my dad’s casket, I was out of my seat before anyone could stop me.
I had to get away from Mikael. Being so close to him was like slowly suffocating on air.
Every time I felt his eyes on me, I wanted to run and hide.
The problem with Mikael looking at me wasn’t him just looking at me.
No, his eyes were trying to dig deep into my soul and reveal my inner self.
He may have been frowning at me, but his eyes told another story, but I wasn’t ready to read the book.
While everyone lingered around the church talking, I sat in my car getting myself together.
Lamelle had been calling my phone, but I didn't feel like talking to him. I texted him telling him I would see him at the repast at my mom’s house.
Anxiously I waited for my mom so we could go to the cemetery.
She gave me a side eye that I pretended I didn’t see and we drove in silence to the cemetery.
Of course, Mikael stupid self was here, and I was annoyed by him still being around.
He came to the funeral wasn’t that enough?
Even more, he was staying close to my mom.
He’d come over to my car helping my mom get out and not utter a word or look in my direction.
I wanted to scream when I heard Mikael tell my mom he’d stop by her house for a little.
The frown I had been trying to hide came out in full force.
I had an attitude and there was no use in hiding it.
Mikael’s being here was pissing me off and Lamelle hadn’t stopped questioning who he was.
I got so irritated with Lamelle I told him to go ask Mikael who he was since he was so concerned.
After that Lamelle stormed off, I assumed he left and I didn’t care at that moment.
“Girl what the hell is wrong with you?” My sister Yanna asked me when she came over to where I was standing in the corner of my parents’ living room. Everyone had come to my parents’ house for the repast, and I was ready to go.
“I’ve had enough of people today. I’m ready to go.” I grumbled rolling my eyes, not at my sister but how I was feeling.
“I see ya fine ass ex is here,” Yanna messily said giving me a knowing look.
“Fuck him.”
“You need to. The way you been snapping at everyone since we got here. That little skinny nigga you came with can’t be fucking you right.”
“He don’t fuck me at all but that’s not here nor there. I’m just ready to go.”