26. Chapter 26
Chapter twenty-six
JUDE GRAVES
The grocery store feels louder and more goddamn annoying than it should.
The sound of fluorescent lights pushes against my skull, and the squeak of cart wheels dragging across the floor has me wanting to break a fucking head open on concrete.
Voices drift past in Russian, words I only half understand, but my brain still tries to grab onto all of it anyway for some reason.
Even though I know no one is watching me, my shoulders stay tight as I walk beside Rafe, my hands hovering at my sides because I’m not entirely sure what to do with them. These hands have been responsible for so much destruction over the years. So it feels weird for them to just…exist without that.
He moves through the aisles with ease, barely pausing before reaching for what he needs. The man is impressive, being calm, efficient, and fluent in a world that still feels out of reach for me.
I trail him, not lost on the gazes of several smiling women as we walk past who seem to think we’re attractive. But even that feels fucking weird. If only you knew what kind of monsters we were.
I exhale slowly through my nose and flex my fingers once at my sides, grounding myself.
I never felt so out of place before. A flash of memory tears across my mind of Alexei beating the fuck out of me for my last punishment.
The one that I barely remember existing afterwards.
My muscles tighten and tremble when I think of him choking me while chained to that chair.
He choked until I almost died, then allowed me to breathe.
He took his anger out on me in such brutal ways that whenever he hit, electrocuted, sliced, it was filled with so much goddamn hate.
I crack my neck in an attempt to will the memories away.
Rafe glances at me from the corner of his eye as he tosses something into the cart. “You’re thinking very loudly,” he mutters.
I huff a breath, rubbing the back of my neck. “Just…processing. I don’t feel like…like myself.”
“Dangerous pastime,” he replies dryly. Then, after a beat, quieter, “Given what was done to you, I’m not surprised. It will take time.” He pats my shoulder, and there’s something unexpectedly genuine in it.
I almost smile back. My gaze drifts again, observing the shelves and people moving around them. Life continuing all around us like nothing ever stopped.
And then, like it always does, Alexei’s voice creeps in.
You don’t have to feel anymore.
My fingers twitch.
For half a second, the floor feels like it shifts beneath me, and I’m about to fall back into that place where everything is decided for me before I can even think—
But this time, I catch it.
Not after. Not when I’m already drowning in it. Right there, at the edge.
I exhale slowly, reminding myself that none of it is a threat to me right now. No restraints digging into my wrists, rubbing skin off. No voice forcing me into something I’m not.
“No,” I murmur under my breath.
Rafe doesn’t ask what I’m responding to. He just keeps walking.
I turn slightly, checking for her without even thinking about it.
Help, baby, I don’t want to drown again.
Emma is a few steps behind us, standing near the end of the aisle, her fingers brushing over a stack of ramen noodles like it’s far more serious than it is.
A smirk pulls at my mouth as I move toward her, forcing the anxiety down. “Ramen? Really? You’re doing this?”
She snorts, playfully punching my arm. Her skin is still a little flushed from when I fucked her about ten minutes ago. “You know Micah would have our heads if we didn’t bring it back.”
A real smile spreads across my face as I watch her decide between brands, like it actually fucking matters. It’s such a small, normal thing—and it shouldn’t feel this significant, but it does. Because I’m here for it. Because I almost wasn’t.
When she looks up at me again, something in me stills.
My throat tightens as I hold her gaze longer than I would have yesterday.
Longer than I thought I could. And nothing happens.
Nothing’s trying to claw its way back in.
There’s no pain, distortion, or voice twisting what I feel into something else.
It’s just…her.
The only woman I’ve ever loved. The one who should have already been my wife. The one who should’ve been loving our child instead of fighting to pull me back from the edge of death. A thought slips in quietly.
Maybe I am not just what was done to me. Maybe I can be more. For her.
Emma smiles at me then, so soft and beautiful. She has always been able to read me too well. That used to bother me. Now, it just feels like we are destined to love one another. Maybe that’s how I find my way back, because I thought I was going to die.
I almost did.
My heart skips as another memory crashes into me. The glass pressed to my throat, the edge of it slicing just enough to promise release. My body reacts before my mind can fully go there, a small flinch I can’t quite stop.
If Adriana hadn’t—
I cut it off. I can’t go there. I can’t hate myself for almost ending it all right there. I reach for Emma’s hand instead, threading my fingers through hers as she drops the ramen into Rafe’s cart.
“I’m good,” I say, more to myself than anyone else.
Even if I am genuinely unsure how I’ll ever escape these memories.
I hold onto her hand a little tighter, and she squeezes back.
My eyes suddenly burn, so I glance over my shoulder to keep her from seeing.
I’m not the same man she once fell in love with.
And I don’t know if she’ll still love me after all of this. But I hope so.
***
We finally make it back to the cabin, and I feel like I can breathe again.
“We’re back!” Emma calls out as we walk in, holding up a particular bag. “And I brought ramen.”
Micah looks over at her, and instead of his expected happy expression, it’s concern.
Oh, fuck.
Adela doesn’t even greet us. She’s already halfway turned toward her laptop, her fingers hovering over the keys like she’s deciding how to say something she knows we’re not going to like.
Nico leans against the counter, arms crossed, jaw tight. Kieran is beside him, staring at the floor. Heather and Adriana are both on the couch, looking uncomfortable as fuck.
Rafe sets the last bag down. “What happened?” he asks.
Adela glances at me, then back at her screen. “Alexei sent something else out.”
My stomach drops before she even finishes the sentence.
“Another photo,” Nico adds, his voice flat. “It’s, uh, bad, dude.”
Rage surges inside my chest. I don’t even think. “Phone,” I say. “Whoever has it, give it to me now.”
Without hesitation, Rafe reaches into his jacket and hands it over like he already knew this was coming.
The weight of it in my hand feels weird, considering I haven’t bothered to use it in god knows how long. I stare at it for a second before I turn it on.
And then—
Everything hits at once.
Missed calls. Dozens. Hundreds. Messages stacking over each other, names I recognize, names I don’t. Notifications lighting up the screen faster than I can process them.
Where are you?
Are you okay?
Call us, son.
Please come home. Vanessa is worried about you. We all are.
Jude, what the fuck is going on?
Brother, talk to me. Please…
The screen blurs. My chest tightens like like I’m having a heart attack, my fingers clenching around the phone as the noise builds in my head, louder and louder until it’s almost—
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Fuck—”
Too much. It’s too fucking much.
The photo staring back at me is clearly me, walking away from the house belonging to one of the men I murdered. I remember him. In the photo, you can see me sliding the mask off my face, with a dead body in the background. I’m looking off to the side, hair messy, eyes dark and wild as hell.
How the fuck did someone get this photo?
I drag in a breath through my nose, forcing myself back into my body before I lose my shit completely. Then I scroll, find his number, and hit call.
“Jude—” Emma’s voice cuts in, sharp with warning as she steps closer, a grocery bag slipping from her hand onto the counter.
“Don’t,” Micah adds, already moving toward me.
I ignore both of them. The line rings once. Twice. Then—
A click. “Ah,” Alexei murmurs, amused. “There you are.”
Something in me snaps. “I’m coming to your stupid fucking party,” I bite out, the words ripping out of me. “So why the fuck would you release more?”
A quiet laugh hums through the line. “Because,” he says smoothly, “You need to know that a life apart from me is not possible. If they all see what you did, and hate you for it, then there is no point.”
My jaw tightens so hard it hurts. “I could just kill myself, you know.”
A broken sound escapes Emma.
“No, you won’t,” he corrects gently. “You belong to me, little rockstar. And I’m reminding you of that fact. I fucking own you. I always will. You’re only alive right now because I allow it.”
Emma is closer now. I can feel her at my side.
Alexei exhales softly into the phone, almost thoughtful. “Tell me,” he continues, “are they all there with you? Your little collection of saviors?”
My fingers tighten around the phone.
“I imagine they are,” he goes on, voice turning darker, more possessive. “It would be a shame if something happened to them before you made it back to me. Accidents happen so easily. People disappear. People get sold. You remember intimately how that works, don’t you, Jude?”
My vision sharpens, the image of those women and girls getting auctioned off flashing behind my eyes. “Touch them,” I growl, “and I swear to god—”
“Убийство.”
The word drops into the space like a switch flipping, and everything disappears.
Gone.
My body moves before I know what I’m doing. It’s fast, violent, and controlled by something that isn’t me. My hand shoots out, forcing space between me and the closest thing to me.
Her.