Chapter 5 Tess #2
I jumped, and everything came rushing back in. The low chatter of parents, the squealing laughter of kids in gis down on the mat, the faint smell of sweat. “Sorry. What?”
“I asked if you got the match schedule already or if you want me to text it to you. But you’re clearly thinking about something else.”
I was. Ever since it came through late last night, Levi’s response has been playing in my head on a loop.
Levi Hollis: You’re not broken Tess. Not by a long shot.
Levi Hollis: Tell Luke he looks cool. Let me know when his first game (match?) is. I want to come.
Levi Hollis: If that’s okay with you of course.
He didn’t think I was broken. He wanted to be involved in my son’s life.
But was that just as a friend, like the McLeod boys?
Or more? It was way past the line of professionalism to even be wondering, but I couldn’t help it when he said things like that.
When he made me feel like I was more than pieces that needed to be mended back together.
“Yes. Please text it to me,” I told Anna.
I shook my head, letting out a sigh and resting my chin on my propped-up hands.
The sound of kids grunting in unison rang through the gym.
“Sorry. I just have a lot on my mind right now. But I’m really glad Luke is going this. I think it’ll be good for him.”
We watched our boys, both of them attempting to do front kicks and nearly toppling over.
A few of the other kids fell flat on their faces.
“Luke’s really good,” Anna said. “Better than Henry was on his first day. He lost it and asked if we could leave three minutes in. But we’re teaching him about making commitments and told him he signed up, so he had to stick it out for the rest of the class, and he ended up loving it. ”
That’s smart of them. I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t have caved if Luke had asked me to leave. I gave in to his whims way too much, and I knew that was a fast track to raising a spoiled brat, but I didn’t think Luke was capable of that. He was too sweet. Too caring.
I sighed, my knee bouncing while I watched Luke. I squinted one eye shut as he bowed so low I thought he’d tip over onto his face. He didn’t.
Anna angled her body towards mine while keeping a hand on Hattie’s baby carrier, rocking it gently. “Want to talk about it?”
“Talk about what?”
She smirked. “Whatever you’re huffing and puffing about.”
I ran my hands over my face. “Where do I even begin?” I mumbled into my palms.
“Wherever you want.”
I straightened, steeling myself. “I agreed to sign Luke up for this because I think it’ll make him feel better…
safer,” I added, quieter. He was focused and determined, with something to focus on now.
And for the first time in a long time, I believed that maybe, just maybe, we’d be okay as I watched him with the other kids.
But it still felt too fragile. Like if Jeremy opened the right door, said the right name, he could find us and rip it all away. That thought never really left.
Anna’s smile faded. I think she had expected me to say something about Levi, not this. “Because of what happened with Jeremy?”
“Yeah.” I picked at my nails. “He has nightmares…we both do. Luke’s are terrible, though.
He wakes up screaming. Sometimes he wets the bed.
” I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to stop the swell of emotions rising.
“I just feel like it’s all my fault,” I admitted shakily.
“I couldn’t stop him. Couldn’t stop Luke from seeing it.
” I brushed a tear away as it fell. “It’s our job as parents to protect our kids, and I-I failed him. ”
Anna’s arm went around my shoulders, tucking me into her side.
“It’s not your fault, Tess. You had no way of knowing this would happen.
You were trapped in an awful situation, and you got out.
That’s all that matters.” She let me go and wiped my tears away with a gentle smile.
“Now it’s time for you to rebuild. Luke’s starting with karate, and now it’s time for you to find something, too. ”
I nodded. “I was thinking that yesterday when Luke brought this up. I just don’t know what I’d do.”
“Maybe you should talk to someone.”
My brows pulled together. “Like a therapist?”
She nodded. “I’ve been talking to Delilah.
” My head reared back, confused. I knew Delilah was a therapist, but I didn’t know Anna was seeing her.
Or that something like that was even allowed.
“After Hattie, I could feel the baby blues coming. I wanted to get ahead of it before it became full-blown postpartum depression.”
“I never would’ve guessed. You always seem so together.” I envied her ability to keep a brave, happy face.
“I currently have baby vomit in my hair that I was running too late to wash out, so that’s how together I am.” We both laughed. “But I am trying. And you should, too. It’s okay to ask for help, Tess. You don’t have to do all this alone.”
The words hit hard. All I’d ever been for the last eight years was alone.
Accepting help from Levi was hard enough.
But to ask someone even closer to me for help, like Delilah?
That felt like admitting I was the damaged thing they all thought I was.
But maybe that was the first step in all of this: admitting that I’d been through something terrible and that it did damage me.
But like Levi said, that didn’t make me broken.
The thought of telling someone else, someone who knew me well, was terrifying. It was different with Levi. He was…different. But telling Delilah everything that Jeremy did? Telling her how terrified I was of him showing up? That felt like climbing Everest.
“I’ll think about it,” I told her.
Anna smiled. “That’s all I’m asking.”
When class ended, Luke came racing over to me. His eyes were wide, sparkling with joy, his little curls damp with sweat. “Mommy, Mommy! Did you see it? Did you see me?”
I scooped him up into my lap, showering him with kisses. “I did. You were so good! Did you have fun?”
“Yes! I’m gonna be so strong wike Emmy.” He stroked my hair, smiling softly. “And then I can keep you safe.”
The breath caught in the back of my throat. “Is that why you wanted to do karate?” I whispered, barely holding on to the tears threatening to fall. “To protect me?”
He nodded, and I broke. I hauled his tiny body to mine, wondering what I did to deserve a son as perfect as mine. “I love you, baby,” I whimpered, holding him tight.
“I wove you, Mommy.” He unwrapped his arms from around my neck. “Can we go get ice cream with Henry and his mommy now?”
I laughed, wiping my tears before he could see them. I stood, taking his hand in mine. “Yes. Let’s go.”