Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Shadow had no idea what day it was. He was exhausted. The last week had been the hardest of his life, and that included all the training he’d been through to become a Delta Force Operative. That was all physical stuff, with some mental shit thrown in for good measure.
Losing his mom was awful. Knowing he’d never see her again, would never hear her laughter, would never get another email or text, never hear her say that she was proud of him…it was torture.
As he sat on the pew in the church his mom had attended every Sunday since he could remember, and listened to her friends talk about how amazing she was and how much she’d be missed, he couldn’t help but smile slightly.
Pauline Carlson had touched so many people. Made a difference in their lives. That would be her legacy. She’d be remembered with love by hundreds of people. It made the pain in his heart lessen a little bit. She was a shining light who had made an impact on her little corner of the world.
Then, looking to his right, Shadow marveled at the strength of the woman sitting next to him.
Brinley had been with him every moment of the last week. She’d been his rock. Making sure he ate, helping coordinate the funeral arrangements, and running interference with his mom’s many well-meaning but kind of busybody friends.
And at night, she held him when he cried. Listened as he went on and on about another memory that sprang to his mind, something his mom had said or done. She’d put aside her own business, her own life, to be there for him.
He loved her.
So damn much.
It broke his heart that his mom wouldn’t be there when he married her.
Because one thing Shadow knew without a doubt—he was going to marry Brinley. He wasn’t stupid enough to let her slip away. She was literally the best thing to ever happen to him, and he’d spend the rest of his life making sure she knew how amazing she was. How beautiful. How precious.
Even though he worked in a profession that made it clear death was only one bullet away, one mission away, one wrong decision away, he still hadn’t truly understood how short life could be. And he didn’t want to waste one more minute without Brinley by his side.
He’d loved falling asleep with her in his arms and waking up next to her in the mornings. They’d spent many nights together back in Alaska over the last few weeks…but not all of them. Now he couldn’t imagine her not being in his bed every single night.
“Dash, it’s your turn,” she said quietly.
Turning his head, he saw the previous speaker was done and it was his turn to go up to the podium and give a eulogy.
Without thought, he leaned in and kissed Brinley.
He didn’t care that everyone was waiting for him to speak.
Didn’t care that they were in a church. Didn’t care that people were most likely staring at them.
All he could think about was letting Brinley know how much she meant to him.
How glad he was that she was here. How he wouldn’t be able to get up and talk about his mom without her support.
When he lifted his head, her cheeks were flushed. He loved seeing the evidence firsthand of how he affected her. He so desperately wanted to tell her that he loved her, but this wasn’t the time or place.
Taking a deep breath, he squeezed her hand, then stood and slowly walked up the couple of steps to the podium at the front of the church.
Looking out at all the faces of his mom’s friends and neighbors, there to support him and to celebrate her life, he felt his heart lighten just a little bit more.
His mom had meant something to all these people.
He needed to make her proud one last time.
Stand up here without faltering and say what he needed to say about his mother.
The woman who’d shaped him into the man he was today.
At the very back of the room was his team, as well.
When they’d shown up this morning, Shadow was floored.
The fact that they’d use some of their precious leave time to support him meant the world.
Echo, Grinder, Kodiak, Torch, Zero, Atlas, and himself had been through some serious shit together.
There were a few times when they didn’t think they’d make it home in one piece.
But they had, because they had each other’s backs. And today was no exception.
Shadow cleared his throat, hoping he could make it through this without losing it. But even if he couldn’t, he knew without a doubt no one would judge him.
“I’m going to keep this short because my mama would kick my butt if I went on and on and bored everyone to tears at her own funeral.
Pauline Carlson was one of the most amazing, stubborn, caring women I’ve ever met in my life.
Her singing was atrocious, she loved to embarrass me by telling complete strangers my life story, and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that she didn’t like coffee.
But she was also fearless, generous, and never let a day go by without telling those she loved how much they meant to her.
“I ask that all of you here today take a page out of her playbook. Live every day to its fullest. Don’t be afraid to speak up against injustices happening around you.
Pay for someone’s groceries if you can afford it.
Volunteer your time. Laugh more. Every day is a gift.
Appreciate what you’ve got, while you’ve got it.
“I miss her already. To you, she was Pauly, a friend, a neighbor, the person you saw here in church every Sunday. To me, she was my mom. My biggest cheerleader. The woman who had no problem telling me to my face when I was being an idiot. But life goes on, right? The bills keep coming, the sun rises and sets each day. Our bosses expect us to come back to work as if everything is the same as it was last week. It’s not the same.
“But I’m going to be okay. Because my mom raised a man who knows a good thing when he’s got it. Many of you have met Brinley, the woman who dropped everything to be by my side when I heard about what happened. Without her…”
Shadow bowed his head and struggled to keep his composure. When he looked up again, he met Brinley’s gaze, and seeing the emotion in her eyes that he could’ve sworn was love gave him the strength to continue.
“My mom never got to meet her in person, which guts me. But they did get to talk over FaceTime. One of the last things my mom did before she died was send me an email. She told me that she loved me and was proud of me. She also told me that I was lucky. That Brinley could have any man in the world, but she chose me. Then she followed that by ordering me not to screw things up.”
The audience chuckled. Shadow didn’t take his gaze from Brinley’s. It felt as if they were the only two people in the church at that moment. He spoke from the heart.
“My mom lost her husband when I was three. I don’t remember him, but she talked about him all the time.
And warned me never to settle when it came to choosing the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
And in that last email she sent, she told me to find someone who appreciates me for who I am, not for what I can give her or because of what I look like or because of what I do.
And I believe I’ve done that. Mom did too. ”
He took a deep breath and forced himself to break eye contact with Brinley, to look out at the men and women gathered together to celebrate his mother’s life.
“Be a good person. That’s it. That’s what I wanted to say today.
Pauline Carlson was an exceptionally good human.
I feel like the best way to honor my mom is by not being an asshole.
By treating everyone you meet as if they’re a worthy and exceptional human being.
Because we can’t choose our parents, we can’t choose where we grow up, but we can choose to treat others with the respect we want for ourselves, our kids, our siblings, and our parents.
That’s what I want Pauline’s legacy to be.
That of spreading kindness, instead of hate and bitterness and general nastiness. Thank you.”
He’d kind of gone off script there, but Shadow wasn’t sorry.
He’d seen so much loss and hatred in the world as a result of his job.
And most of it was bullshit. Brought forth by leaders who wanted more power, more money, more land, more control.
And for what? To eventually die, only for someone else to move into his or her position.
He walked back to his pew and sat down next to Brinley.
She immediately reached for his hand, and the second her fingers wrapped around his, the world seemed to settle once more.
His mom had died, but life went on. And Shadow was determined to continue to make Pauly proud of him. To live life the way she’d taught him.
Someone else was speaking now, but all Shadow could think about was the way Brinley’s hair tickled his cheek as she rested her head on his shoulder.
He was more determined than ever to do what he could to convince the woman at his side to take a chance on him.
To spend her life with him. He’d do everything in his power to keep her safe, happy, and to make sure she never felt anything but beautiful when she was around him.
Because she was. Beautiful. Inside and out.
At the thought of a life with Brin, his heart lightened even more.
Looking upward, Shadow silently thanked his mom for all she’d done for him. For teaching him how to be the kind of man Brinley needed. He vowed not to let either his mom, or his woman, down.
He might not be able to be with Brinley at all times because of his job, but he’d make sure she had what she needed when he couldn’t be there…and come home to her at the end of every mission.
* * *
Brinley was exhausted. It had been an extremely long week. There were so many details to deal with regarding Pauly’s death, but thankfully the woman had been a planner. She had a will and her financial papers were easy to find.