Chapter 4
FOUR
I t shouldn’t surprise me that we are now being invited to parties we only saw online previously, but it does, especially when we pull up at a mansion overflowing with rock and roll legends, models, actors, and basically every “it” celebrity at the moment.
We leave our run-down tour van as far away as we can and, still wearing the clothes from our interview, head toward the open doors, feeling very out of place—or at least I do.
The others act like this is a normal thing for them, especially Ryker.
When we step inside, Dash and Strike gape, almost giddy as they hurry away to talk to everyone and get drunk, leaving me alone with Ryker, which is somewhere I don’t want to be for once.
I’m not mad at him. I’m just unsure how to act.
It was never a problem before, and if he flirted like that with me outside of the interview, I wouldn’t have cared, but something about it being for the cameras and the fans felt .
. . wrong, like he was taking something special and monetizing it, and I don’t know if I liked it.
I liked the way it felt when he held my hand and the way he looked at me. I liked it too much, in fact, and maybe that’s why I’m on edge. For him, it was a PR move, but for me, it was real.
“What should we do first?” Ry asks, rubbing his hands together with an evil villain laugh, and despite my reservations, I can’t stay mad at him.
It isn’t fair to take my emotions out on him, and it also isn’t his fault that I like him.
He’s just doing what we all agreed on, which is helping make our dreams come true.
“How about a drink?” I suggest, slinging my arm around his shoulders to show we’re okay. The bright smile he aims my way as he leans into me makes me realize I worried my best friend, and that’s not okay. “Then we can make some rounds, shake some hands, all that shit.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Oh my gosh! You’re Sanctuary, right? Ryker and . . .” We both turn our heads up as a leggy blonde stops before us, teetering on her heels while clutching a glass of Champagne that is definitely not her first. She’s drop-dead gorgeous and knows it. I’m guessing she’s a model or an actress.
“Fox,” I say with a smile.
She grins widely at me before her gaze lands back on Ry like he’s her target, and I see a glint in her eye that tells me he is exactly that. “I’ve seen you guys everywhere online, but you are much better looking in person.”
“So are you. I’ve seen your work before, and you are even more beautiful in person,” Ryker flirts, offering her his usual charming grin—one he’s never aimed at me.
“You’re so sweet.” She steps forward and stumbles on her high heels.
“Whoa, I’ve got you.” Ryker catches her as she trips, her hand landing on his chest, and she giggles as she strokes it.
“Wow, your muscles . . .”
He grins down at her. “How about we find somewhere for you to sit, and I can get a drink as well?”
“I know a place,” she gushes, taking his hand and suddenly able to walk now. She winks back at me as she leads Ryker away, and he doesn’t even spare me a look.
I stare after him, and I realize very rapidly that this is what our life will be like—me staring after him, wishing I were on his arm while he fucks his way through Hollywood.
My heart clenches so hard I struggle to breathe, hoping he’ll turn back and prove me wrong. I just want things to be the way they were, but I’m starting to think they never will be.
“I need a fucking drink,” I mutter.
I make my way through the party. Barely anyone pays me any mind, since I’m a nobody to them.
We might be making waves, but these people are the gods above us.
I grab a bottle of Jack and wander the ground floor, finding Dash and Strike playing games with other people at a poker table.
I watch for a little bit before wandering around, looking for him.
Where could he be?
I tell myself it’s just to make sure he’s okay, but when I finally find him, my heart sinks and I wish I had never looked. He’s surrounded by women on a sofa deep in the house, his head thrown back as he laughs. Their hands slide over his body possessively, their nails scraping his arms and chest.
Taking a massive drink, I swish it in my mouth as bitterness fills me, then I turn away before I do something stupid. I head through some closed sliding doors, leaning against the railing on a balcony overlooking a huge backyard.
I sip the bottle as I let the fresh air try to wash away the sick feeling inside me.
I knew this would happen. I mean, it’s no secret Ryker likes sex and blondes are his favorite.
It’s one of the reasons I dyed my hair from my natural blond after a while.
I didn’t want to be another conquest to him.
I’m good enough to play with, but when the lights are down, he’s gone. He’ll never be mine, and I need to accept that, but my head is a fucking mess, and this new act we have to put on doesn’t help.
Something draws my gaze back inside, and whatever was left of my heart cracks inside my chest as I watch Ry head upstairs, guided by that same leggy blonde. It doesn’t take a genius to guess what they are doing, and as I turn forward, I down half the bottle and hope it numbs this pain.
It doesn’t work, though, and I want to fuck up this pretty house just to feel something, but I don’t. I stand on the balcony as silent as a statue while the man I love goes upstairs with someone else, wishing it were me the entire time.
Still, I wouldn’t change this pain for anything, because it would mean he isn’t in my life, but I don’t know how long I can go on like this.
I realize I can’t be his friend, not when I’m in love with him.
I’ll have to be, though, even if it breaks my heart.
Staring at the sky, I force myself not to go after him. Ryker is meant to shine in the spotlight. I need to remember that, even when it’s hard.
“Shit, you stole my hiding spot.” I whirl at the feminine voice and watch a grinning Reign Harrow step outside. She shuts the door and mutes the frivolity and music inside. “Mind if I hide here with you?”
I blink in shock. Reign Harrow is a fucking rock legend.
If I were straight, I’d be all over her in an instant.
She’s hot as hell but also engaged. Nodding silently, I watch her walk over and lean against the railing like I am.
She gazes at the sky, holding a full, untouched glass in her hand.
As I stare at her profile in shock, I notice she looks sad and tired.
Does anyone else see that? When she glances at me, I realize they probably don’t. She doesn’t let them, but I’m a nobody, so she doesn’t bother hiding it. “Crazy, right? The party.”
“Oh, uh, yeah.” I nod, glancing back at the sky so she doesn’t think I’m a creeper.
“I would say you get used to it but . . .” She laughs humorlessly. “I suppose you do in a way. I don’t know which is worse, that this becomes normal or the fakeness of it all.”
I nod again, unsure what to say. A nobody like me doesn’t speak to Reign Harrow.
“Sorry, ignore my rant. Anyway, what are you hiding from?” My eyes swing to hers, and she grins. “You don’t come out here unless you’re hiding.”
“What are you hiding from?” I ask.
The sad smile she gives me makes me blink. “You know, you’re the first person to ever ask me that.” She turns back to the sky, and I think she won’t answer, that I’ve overstepped, and I curse myself silently.
“My fiancé,” she admits, “and the adoring crowd and cameras that follow us around all the time. I just needed peace, you know?” She glances at me. “You get tired of it all after a while, no matter how much you wanted it.”
“I can see that,” I murmur. “I won’t talk. You can hide here with me.”
She smiles brightly, and even I can admit how fucking beautiful she is. “What about you?” she asks. “Distract me from my own life. What are you hiding from?”
I debate what to say, but then I think, Fuck it .
It’s obvious she wants her privacy too, and I don’t see her spilling my secrets.
Besides, I’m betting she doesn’t even know who I am.
Taking a drink, I glance at the stairs once more.
“From the truth. Tonight, I realized that the person I love will never love me back or be mine, and I’ll have to watch from the sidelines for the rest of our lives as he loves everyone else but me. ”
She’s quiet, and when I glance at her, Reign’s eyes are locked on me. “Are you sure? Did you ask him?”
“I don’t need to.” I offer her the bottle, and she takes a sip. “I was just being delusional. It hurts, so I’m hiding. I’m not good company tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll have to go back to being what they want, but tonight . . .”
“Tonight you want to be you.” She nods. “I get that.” She nudges my arm. “Wearing a mask all the time can be exhausting—trust me on that—and lonely too. Find someone to have in your corner.”
“Do you have someone?” I ask.
“I think so.” She glances at the ring on her finger with a contemplative look in her eyes. “Although sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes I wish I’d never found fame . . . Maybe I’d be happier.”
“A-fucking-men.” I toast her, and we both drink in silence for a while.
“If he doesn’t love you, then find someone who does. You deserve to be happy. Live your life your way, not for him, and if he really doesn’t feel the same, then he should let you know. He shouldn’t play with your feelings no matter what. That’s just a dick move.”
I nod but find myself defending him. “He’s actually nice, and he cares about everything. He’s always looking after me, but everything is changing, and I’m scared,” I tell her. “Scared it will change him, change us . . . change me.”
“Change is inevitable,” she replies. “Everyone changes—sometimes for the better, sometimes not. It’s the only constant we can actually rely on, and change can be terrifying, but sometimes it’s good too.
Sometimes life gives you exactly what you need, even if you don’t know it.
” She leans next to me, her arm touching mine.
There is nothing sexual about it, just offering comfort.
“Either way, I hope you find your happiness.”
“I hope you do too,” I say. “You don’t seem very happy, and like you said, everyone should be happy.”
She blinks at me. “I don’t seem happy?”
“Not at all,” I admit slyly. “Are you?”
She swallows hard, searching my eyes. “I don’t know.” Her voice is small, scared.
“Find out,” I tell her, “before it’s too late.” My eyes go back to the stairs inside before I turn away. “Don’t break your own heart. It fucking sucks.”
We’re quiet for a bit, both lost in our own thoughts, before she grins at me.
“Want to know everyone’s dirty, funny, messy secrets?
It can be intimidating coming into this world, but once you know them, it makes them so much more human, and you’ll never be scared of them.
I mean, how can you be scared of Yulen Miller when you know he collects unicorns and plays with them? ”
I burst into laughter, and she joins in. “What else?” I ask greedily, happy for the distraction.
“Okay, so there’s Griselda, the actress, right . . .”