Chapter Ten
Maddy
“I’m thinking it’s time I had sex.”
My best friend immediately started choking on his Dr. Pepper.
I slapped him on the back aggressively. I wasn’t a delicate little flower and I knew he could take it. He wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and stared at me wide-eyed.
“You gotta warn someone before you say something like that,” Leo grumbled, wiping down his gray t-shirt. I ignored the way the damp patch now clung to the edges of his pecs.
“I shouldn’t have to warn you about anything.”
“If you’re gonna talk about sex, you do,” he muttered.
I wrinkled my nose. “Why? Because I’m like your sister?”
He downed the rest of his drink, his Adam’s apple bobbing with each swallow, then crunched up the can, tossing it in the nearby trash. “Yeah, because you’re like my sister.”
We were walking back to the ranch after my shift.
I was now a rookie firefighter at Reverence firehouse which meant I got all the grunt work and patronizing until I proved I was worthy of a position.
Honestly, the guys I worked with weren’t too bad.
They didn’t give me that much shit for being a woman.
They knew I had good instincts and worked hard.
I was stronger than they thought too and I leapt into any situation without hesitation. I think they admired my courage.
Leo usually met me after I got off a twenty-four-hour shift and it gave me something to look forward to every time I finished. He always had some kind of treat for me, whether it was an iced coffee or a donut. He always knew what I wanted and I was so grateful.
“Well, I haven’t got anyone else I want to talk to about this. Are you surprised I’m still a virgin?”
He arched a brow at me and I giggled. “Okay fine, I tell you everything and you knew I was.”
I went silent as I mulled the situation over, my cheeks heating when I thought back to a few years ago where I asked him to be my first, and then the events that followed. The loss of my mother settled like lead in my stomach, like it always did when I thought about her.
If it wasn’t for Leo, I wouldn’t have coped half as well as I did. If I can even say that I coped at all. I don’t think any of us would have. Leo was the glue that kept the girls and me together, let alone my father.
Four years later and it was still too hard to witness the devastation that was permanently etched all over my father’s face.
It broke him. Tore him down to a shell of a human.
I couldn’t stand to look at him some days, never able to get away from the evidence of what loving and losing someone could do to you.
It just continued to reaffirm my decision; that I didn’t want to love that way. I had enough people in my life that I loved, I didn’t need to add any more and certainly not in a romantic capacity. Didn’t want to risk it.
But I was a young woman who had needs.
And because of what happened with my mom, I hadn’t spent my late teens out experimenting with boys and experiencing all the amazing things we could do with our bodies.
And other than that fateful night with Leo, that I always kept firmly in a box labelled ‘don’t think about and don’t talk about’, I didn’t really have any experiences to talk about.
The guys at the station always talked about women.
Sometimes when I walked into the room they lowered their voices, which was nice that they showed me some respect.
But sometimes I wanted to join in with the raucous conversation, contribute even.
Talk about a date I went on or how lousy a lover was, hell just anything.
Every time I thought about sex though, Leo popped into my mind. Whenever I thought about the night we’d been together, I thought about the smooth texture of his skin, his face twisted in desire, his breathy exhalations and moans of pleasure and I felt like nothing could compare to that.
Which made things awkward because he was my best friend.
And it’s not like he still thought about it, right? He went out, he met girls, I know he did.
There’s no way he was still walking around a virgin when he was a fearless bull rider in a small town and was easily the best-looking man around for miles.
All sandy hair, and soft brown eyes, devastating smile framed by dimples on top of that mind-blowing physique.
He was the full package; the looks, brains and brawn.
His sunny personality was the cherry on top, and one day some woman would be lucky enough to snag him…
…and take him away from me.
I swallowed around the lump in my throat at the thought.
“Anyway, I’ll be the last virgin in Reverence at the rate I’m going.”
He stopped walking and I turned to face him. He shoved his hands in the back pockets of his Wranglers, flexing his biceps in a way that shouldn’t affect me like it did.
I tilted my head at him. “What’s up? You have frowny face.”
He hiked his shoulders. “What’s your hurry?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re only twenty-one. You’ve got plenty of time, so what’s the hurry?”
“The hurry is I’m definitely the only twenty-something virgin around.”
Leo rolled his eyes. “You’re definitely not, but what’s wrong with that?”
“I don’t wanna be,” I chuckled. “Are you not listening?”
He scuffed his boot in the dirt, and we slowly started walking down Main Street, watching people go in and out of the local stores.
I frowned at him. “What’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem.”
“You do, I can read you like a book.”
“Honey, I’m like a pamphlet,” he smirked at me.
I tsked, nudging his shoulder and ignoring the little tingle I felt when he called me honey.
“Don’t put yourself down.”
He stopped again and peered at me before sighing deeply in defeat. “You have resolution face.”
I folded my arms across my small chest, pursing my lips. “I do.”
“I just don’t get the rush.”
“Look, I feel like, not that the last few years have been wasted but…”
“You’ve missed out?” He finished for me.
I nodded. “Exactly. Grief was a fucker and I missed some pivotal teenage milestones. And then I was so focused on getting into my career that I didn’t let any men get anywhere near me.”
“Good,” he growled.
I rolled my eyes, tutting. “You’re such a caveman sometimes.”
“Fine. So you want to meet a man, screw his brains out and then what?”
I tapped my chin. “Then…nothing? Onto the next?”
His eyes bugged. “Next guy?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“I dunno, just…figured you would want to meet Mr. Right and settle down, have a bunch of kids.”
I gasped in mock horror. “Do you even know me?”
“Apparently not.”
He tugged me across the street to Dough Re Mi bakery and we paused the conversation while we went inside.
I knew we were there because he wanted a pretzel and when he tried to pay, I elbowed him out of the way and handed over the cash.
We left, his treat in hand and paused in our journey back to the ranch to sit on a bench and eat.
“I don’t want that kind of conventional life,” I said after a while.
“Why?” he mumbled around a mouthful of dough.
“Sexy,” I snorted and he waggled his eyebrows.
“Leo, you know why. We’ve been over this.
I saw what losing Mom did to Daddy and I don’t ever want to feel that.
Losing her felt bad enough, still does. I don’t want to go through that again, ever.
Or to lose myself the way my dad has. Let alone deal with my own grief while raising children who are also grieving. ”
“You don’t know that you would lose someone,” he said quietly, staring intently at his pretzel.
“Eventually I would.”
“Yeah, after having a long time loving them when you’re old and gray.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Neither do you!” he shot back, agitated. It took a lot to get Leo riled up but somehow with this conversation, I’d managed it. I just didn’t know how.
“Look, I’m doing this either way, I just wanted to talk it out first.”
Great, now I was pissed. He was usually more supportive, so I don’t know why he was being weird about this.
Maybe it’s because he was a hopeless romantic and he couldn’t wrap his head around my lack of interest in settling down.
I knew he read lots of romance novels. He and August always talked about them and even mentioned starting a book club together.
That had to be it, he wanted for me what he wanted for himself; forever, with a soulmate.
But that wasn’t me anymore, people change and he needed to get on board with that.
“We’re different, Leo. You want a happily ever after with your true love, and right now I could think of nothing worse. I want some fun. And I want your support.”
He pushed off from the bench, balling the pretzel wrapper in his fist. “Why do you want my help with this?”
“I don’t want your help. I think it would probably be easier to get a man’s attention without you there breathing down his neck,” I snorted at the visual.
Leo was protective of those in his life, me in particular after the hurts I’d endured and whenever a man so much as glanced in my direction, it was like Leo marked his territory. It was kinda sweet that he cared so much. But he was protective with all of us Cartwright girls, not just me.
“I don’t care, Maddy!” he snapped and I jolted at his anger. “You wanna go get laid, then go get laid. You do you, but I don’t need to be involved in all your decisions!” A few passersby glanced over at us and my cheeks flushed.
“Why are you being like this?” I hissed.
“If you can’t figure that out, then I can’t help you!” he shouted and then stormed off.
I was stunned. He’d never shouted at me like that. We’d never really had a proper fight, but it felt like that’s what this turned into and I didn’t even get why. Maybe I’d made him feel uncomfortable, but I’d always thought we could talk about anything.
I walked home, the weight of my shift falling heavy on me. But before I could get into bed, I needed to help Daddy work the ranch.
It was weird finishing a shift and going home at nine in the morning, knowing you’ve got the whole day ahead of you but really just needing to sleep.