Chapter Nine
Maddy
I glared at Leo over the document I was studying.
He’d distracted me by shuffling in his seat and clearing his throat noisily.
The tips of his ears were tinged red and his eyes wide as they flew across the page he was reading.
The intensity of his expression and slightly parted mouth told me that he was invested in his book.
I giggled to myself as his eyes widened even further before he hastily flipped to the next page, brushing back the lock of sandy blond hair that had fallen over his forehead which was creased in concentration.
It wasn’t unusual to find Leo and I snuggled together on the living room loveseat at the ranch.
Usually all my sisters were in here chatting or watching TV, so seats were hard to come by.
Leo and I didn’t mind being in such close proximity.
Normally we each took an end and sat with our backs against the arms of the seat, our legs stretched out across the middle.
And it was inevitable he would put his feet in my face at some point, just to piss me off.
Even though the living room was empty, we took the same seating positions; it was routine now.
Leo was reading a novel and judging by the cover; the heroine distressed and windswept, with the hero struggling to keep his shirt on, showing off just how muscular he was, it was some type of historical romance.
Meanwhile, I was reading the details of my firefighter CPAT exam tomorrow in preparation.
I’d recently undertaken the written Civil Service exam which had been harder than anticipated.
All the information I’d had to learn about hydraulics, procedures and even the ethics of the job had been tough to wrap my head around.
The physical side, though? That I knew I had down pat and I was eager for the Candidate Physical Ability Test in the morning.
I’d tried sitting with Leo to review the process, so I’d know what to expect at the course tomorrow, just to calm my energy, but I was too eager.
I breathed heavily through my nose and dropped the paperwork in my lap.
“What ya reading?” I asked in a singsong voice, nudging him with my foot. I knew full well he was reading a smutty section and wanted to see if he’d tell me.
He leapt out of his skin as my foot touched him, his cheeks reddening. He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat again.
“Nothing, just a boring bit,” he lied. I could always tell when this man lied to me. He ran a hand over his jaw, his fingers scraping through the light scruff that was growing there.
“Make it interesting,” I suggested, testing him. “Read me the paragraph you’re on.”
“Get out of here,” he scoffed, his eyes shifting away.
“Come on,” I goaded, lunging for his book. He held it out of reach, panic in his eyes.
“Quit it, Mads,” he grumbled.
I tutted. “You’re no fun tonight.”
“Just focus on making sure you know what you’re doing tomorrow,” he gestured to my paperwork.
I groaned loudly. “I know what to do, I just want to get out and do it now.”
It had been two years since Mom had died. I’d graduated from school, but I took a year out before I went straight into my career, needing some breathing space.
Grief had hit much harder than I anticipated and it had taken a while to get myself ready physically and mentally to become a firefighter.
I’d been passionate about this career, ever since the demonstration when I was at school.
I’d always wanted to help people, and it was a bonus that it fed the need for adrenaline-fuelled excitement I had.
After Mom’s accident, I’d developed a newfound respect for the emergency services.
I realized the opportunity I had to help people, to save lives.
Maybe save the life of someone like Mom one day.
That need to help others had given me the drive I needed to get myself ready.
I just needed to pass the CPAT tomorrow and then I’d focus on the Medical Exam. One down, two to go. I could do this. I had faith in myself. Leo had faith in me. Had worked hard to help me train. Sometimes we even trained together.
He’d been working closely with Daddy and his coach, Wilson, to become a stronger bull rider.
Now he was competing in local events and had even won a few, but it was tough on his body and competition was fierce.
I think the grief had set us both back in our respective careers.
Two years on from the accident and although the pain didn’t ever go, it was easier to live with. Easier to go about each day.
For us at least. For Daddy, not so much. I shook my head to dislodge the thoughts. I didn’t want to dwell on that now and bring myself down ahead of tomorrow. I needed to stay mentally sharp.
“Distract me,” I whined, nudging Leo again.
His lip quirked up on one side. “You really want me to read you a bit?”
“Uh huh,” I nodded eagerly.
He cleared his throat and glanced down at the page, cracked his neck and began.
“Samuel pulled up the sheer lace of Beatrice’s petticoat. The sight of her creamy thighs, so exposed, so forbidden had his member lengthening beneath his breeches…”
“Okay, stop!” I interrupted, holding my hands up.
Leo arched a brow. “Why?”
“Because,” I shrugged helplessly. “You’re my friend, it’s weird to hear that sexy stuff from you.
” I wiggled my legs away from him because his proximity was suddenly making me hot.
I refused to think about the moment we had a couple of years ago.
I flushed as memories of me begging Leo to make me come flooded my mind.
Neither of us had spoken about that night since.
With everything that happened immediately afterwards, it didn’t seem important and as time went on, it just never came up.
“It’s not weird,” he glowered. “You wanted me to read it!”
“And I got a little taste of it, so thank you for distracting me.”
“Why do you need distracting?”
“I’m all antsy for tomorrow,” I sighed, shoving a hand through my hair.
“You’ve got this, you know you do,” he affirmed.
I nibbled the skin around my thumb. “Yeah.”
He batted my thumb away. “Stop, before you make it bleed. What do you want? To go train some more?”
I waved a hand dismissively. “No, it’s late. Go back to your book.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m going to get a drink, you want anything? An iced tea? A cold shower?” I teased.
Leo shot me a facetious smile and flipped me off. I laughed as I swung my legs over his and pushed to a stand, stretching my aching limbs, the burn from our earlier workout stinging in a satisfying way.
I flicked on the light in the kitchen and gasped in surprise when I saw Daddy standing at the kitchen counter.
“What are you doing?” I called. He didn’t move, didn’t answer at all. I approached slowly but he didn’t even seem to be aware I was in the same room.
“Why were you standing in the dark, Daddy?” I asked, placing my hand on his arm.
He was resting one hand on the counter, a tea bag in his grip and two mugs of water in front of him.
Judging by the lack of steam rising from the mugs, the water had cooled.
He’d been standing here for a while. I squeezed his arm and waved my hand in front of his face.
He blinked and shook his head, swiveling his gaze towards me.
“Ah, Madison,” he said, his voice rough with gravel. “What are you doing?”
His eyes were distant as he spoke to me, like he wasn’t really with it. He always seemed like that, had done ever since Mom had died.
“Me? What are you doing? You’ve been standing in the dark,” I repeated gently.
“Well, I came in here to make her a drink,” he replied, dunking the tea bag in a mug.
“Who?”
“Your mother.”
My stomach clenched at his words, spoken so simply like she was in the next room waiting for him. I placed my hand over the one dunking the tea bag.
“I think the water is too cold now.”
He faced me, those eyes which had once been so full of life and laughter were now so empty and it hit me like a bullet to the chest. I held back the sob that rose when faced with the man I barely recognized anymore.
Grief had destroyed him. I’m ashamed to admit that some days, when I wasn’t feeling mentally strong enough myself, I avoided him.
It was painful to see what losing his soulmate had done to him.
Seeing how he’d lost himself the last two years had confirmed one thing for me; I never wanted to experience this kind of agony.
He glanced back at the mug. “Oh, silly me.” He poured it down the sink and immediately began filling the tea pot to heat up more.
I removed one mug and dried it, opening the cupboard to put it away but he stopped me.
“What are you doing with that?”
I faced him, his expression full of genuine confusion.
I hated moments like this. Where I had to remind him.
That grief permeated even the littlest, most mundane things in life.
There was no escaping it, no moving on. He was never going back to the man he used to be.
I hadn’t only lost my mother, but my father too.
“Daddy, she’s not here,” I said gently. “You don’t need to make her tea.”
His expression crumpled, chin trembling beneath his gray beard. His chest shook as a small cry slipped from him. I gripped him tight as he sobbed quietly.
“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” I whispered, my lip wobbling as I worked to hold back my tears. “Come on, why don’t we—”
“No!” he interrupted. “No. I want to make her a tea.” His tone was firm, his expression determined.
I nodded. “Okay, then you make her a tea. Do you want any help?”
He shook his head. “It’s what I do every night, I can manage it, sweetheart.”
“Okay,” I repeated, patting his arm again and then I left the kitchen, needing to get away from the anguish coating the air and trying to choke me.
I went back into the living room, a calmness flooding me as I spotted Leo still on the loveseat reading his book.
I climbed back into position, Leo grunting as I shoved my feet into him to keep them warm.
He raised his arm and I tucked my toes between his arm and side and he clamped his arm down, holding them in place.
My heart was still pounding from the incident in the kitchen. The pain. The sorrow. The fact that over time it seemed to have gotten worse for my father, not better. He wasn’t healing. Love had ruined him. White hot anger burned in my chest.
“Why do you love ‘love’ so much?” I blurted out.
Leo looked at me over his book, paused for a moment as he assessed me, then folded it down into his lap, giving me his full attention.
“I think it’s because of how happy love makes people.
That and I’ve seen what it looks like to not have it.
And then what it looks like when you do.
I was missing that real family unit as a kid.
My dad died when I was so young and my mom hasn’t ever met anyone else.
I mean, look at your mom and dad. They had a love that will last the ages, how could you not want that? I—”
“I never want to fall in love,” I interrupted, shaking my head, too raw after the scene with my father.
Leo looked at me, his expression doubtful. “Never?”
“Never. No partner, no husband, no family or children. That’s not for me.” Because I don’t think I could ever cope with the loss, I finished quietly in my mind.
“No family?” He shook his head in disbelief. “But, Mads, you always wanted childr—”
“Not anymore,” I snapped, immediately feeling guilty at the hurt expression on his face.
“Okay, not anymore,” he agreed.
I turned my stare away, focusing on a tear in the couch cushion and picking at it.
“What do you need?” Leo asked softly.
“Nothing,” I whispered, emotion clogging my throat.
There was silence for a moment and then Leo heaved a defeated sigh, closed his book and placed it behind him on the arm of the love seat.
“Come with me,” he demanded. Then stood up and held out his hand. I glanced back and forth between his face and his hand until he wiggled his fingers at me. I rolled my eyes and placed my hand in his and he dragged me to my feet.
“Where are we going?” I asked as he pulled me out of the house and down the front porch. I let go of his hand and he kept walking, shouting back over his shoulder.
“We’re going to go and get rid of this weird energy you have. It’ll fuck you up for tomorrow and I’m not having you fail that test when you’re so ready for it that you could set the fucking course record!”
There were many things I loved about Leo; his loyalty, his bravery, his optimism. But I also loved how much he knew me. How he knew what I needed. Always.
I ran after him and leapt onto his back, wrapping my legs around his strong torso. He exhaled roughly at the contact then slipped his arms under my knees, hoisting me up higher.
“Thanks, Cowboy,” I said, ruffling his hair.
“Uh huh,” he grunted. “I want a course record tomorrow FYI.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” I teased.
I didn’t set the course record but I did complete it in two minutes under the allotted time and found myself one step closer to my dream job.