Chapter Sixteen #3
“You’re…you’re stronger than I thought,” he joked, teeth chattering.
I sob-laughed. “Not the time, Daddy.”
I whistled to Chester who had been pacing nearby, agitated at the state my father was in. Chester had been his horse for almost as long as I could remember and they shared a deep bond. I assessed Chester’s height, no way could I lift my father up and over.
“Fuck,” I huffed, my mind panicking.
“Kn…kneel,” Daddy murmured.
“Yes! Chester, kneel!” I shouted, so grateful Daddy had trained him to do that.
Chester dipped into a bow, his forelegs folding at the carpal joint and hitting the ground.
We didn’t like to teach horses to do it as it could hurt them but Daddy trained Chester to do it for emergencies, just like this.
I placed him in the saddle, wrapping the reins around his waist and got on behind him, holding him to me. I signalled for Sunshine to ride off and then clicked my tongue at Chester who stood and we raced back to the ranch.
Daddy was quiet, except for the soft groan that came out whenever he was jolted sharply. My stomach dipped each time, knowing he was in pain but it was necessary. When the stables came into view my heart lifted, hope flaring to life.
“August!” I shrieked the closer we came but she didn’t appear. I bypassed the stables and headed straight to the house, where I’d stupidly left my phone this morning. Daddy was silent, not moving and my momentary hope died when I saw how still he was.
“Daddy?” I shook him but there was no response. I felt for his pulse, could barely feel it. Tears ran down my cheeks, left unchecked as I hurried inside.
“August!” I shouted, rummaging in my bag for my phone. “AUGUST!”
“Maddy? What’s going on?” I heard Kat’s voice from the top of the stairs.
“It’s Dad,” I sobbed, tapping 911 into my phone. August appeared at the bottom of the stairs, her hair damp from a shower. I tossed the phone at her and ran back outside to Daddy who was slumped over in Chester’s saddle.
I knew.
There was nothing to be done now.
“No!” I cried, telling Chester to kneel and gently placing my father on the ground.
I felt for a pulse again and now struggled to find it so I immediately began CPR.
It always looked so neat and tidy in movies.
But in reality, CPR is messy, sometimes there’s vomit and blood and it doesn’t always work.
I tried my hardest. But it wasn’t enough.
“Oh my God!” August cried from behind me. I heard my phone clatter onto the porch as she rushed over. “Daddy!” Her sob tore my heart in two as she reached for him, but I grabbed her hand. I didn’t want her to feel how cold and still he was.
Eventually the ambulance arrived and took him, continuing compressions and Kat went with them. August called Daisy and Tilly as we got in the truck to drive to the hospital. Silence reigned the entire journey and every single one of my catastrophic thoughts I pushed out of my head.
Kat met us in the waiting room. “The paramedics tried to resuscitate him in the ambulance and just about managed to get him back.”
“And?”
She looked between my sisters and pulled me to one side. “I think we need to prepare, Maddy.”
Denial roared in my ears as her words settled in and I just stared at her blankly. I couldn’t lose another parent. Not yet. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t do this. We’d had too many losses and traumas. I didn’t know how we would survive another.
Half an hour later the doctor came out, took me and Kat to a quiet room and confirmed Daddy had passed away.
I don’t remember what happened next. I don’t remember getting home to the ranch. The house filled with more grief than anyone should have to deal with in a lifetime. But eventually I remembered there was one more person to tell.
There was no answer when I called him. The phone just rang out again and again. I must have called him a thousand times. I left a short voicemail to call me back urgently.
I sat down on the porch steps, I couldn’t be in the house. Not only was I grieving but I was angry too. Anger like I’d never felt consumed me with nowhere to go.
I heard a car, heard his rushed footsteps as he got closer.
“Maddy, I just heard—”
I leapt up, met him halfway.
“Where were you?” I shrieked, unable to control my hysteria. Leo’s eyes widened in shock but I didn’t let him talk. “You were with her. You were with her when you should have been with me. If you were with me then we could have saved him!”
His face paled, his brown eyes watering and his mouth floundered. “I didn’t…I didn’t know…I didn’t realize.”
“We would have gone straight home. I would have gone straight to the pasture, I wouldn’t have been off riding. We could have saved him together! Then Daddy would…he wouldn’t be dea…” I couldn’t say the word. I sobbed, covering my face with my hands.
Leo’s arms engulfed me, his signature scent enveloped me in warmth and comfort. I yearned for that familiarity, for the reassurance he held. I sobbed on him, his shoulders shaking as he struggled to keep the two of us upright.
But he managed it.
He always held me up.