Chapter Seventeen
Leo
I stood watching them from the treeline.
The gray clouds and pouring rain made this the ultimate cliché for a funeral.
Not really a funeral, more a memorial with just the family.
But not me.
Raindrops trickled down my cheeks, mingling with my tears as I glanced down at my phone. Open on our chat.
Tough Girl: Where are you?
Tough Girl: Are you coming?
Tough Girl: I know he would want you here.
Tough Girl: I need you here.
Tough Girl: We all do x
I had failed Maddy. I had failed all the girls. And I’d failed Charlie. All the what-if’s from that day plaguing me, keeping me up at night.
The look on Maddy’s face as she blamed me was a new scar on my heart. She had apologized immediately; she didn’t really blame me, she knew realistically there wasn’t anything that could be done. But I blamed myself. And I wouldn’t forgive myself as easily as she had.
If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in Melissa, who I hadn’t spoken to since that day, then I could have gotten Charlie the help he needed. Between me and Maddy we would have saved him, I knew it.
Locking the screen, I pocketed my phone and glanced up towards the bur oak trees that lined Redemption Ranch. Where the girls were gathered in their black clothes and rainbow of boots, with the pastor.
Charlie’s ashes were scattered under the tree, right next to where he’d sprinkled Sherry’s all those years ago. Now they were reunited, now maybe Charlie’s spirit could finally heal and be whole.
I turned away, unable to bear the sight of it.
A sob heaved from my chest. It was like I’d lost my own father all over again.
Only it felt worse. I had been so young when my dad died that I barely knew him.
I’d had decades with Charlie and somehow that made it a blessing and a curse.
I considered him like my own father, looked up to him in the same way and sought his advice and care.
The girls were like my sisters, and Sherry had been a surrogate mom to me.
My family felt like it was splintering apart and I could hardly stand it.
Messaging Maddy to tell her I’d be by soon, I took off. I just needed to pull myself together before facing them all. Needed to get myself strong and be the rock they could rely on; that Maddy could rely on. I’d gotten us through grief once before, I could do it again, I had to.
Rain pummeled the windshield as I drove around town, trying to distract myself from my thoughts. It didn’t really work, I just wanted to be around the girls, my family, so I drove over to the ranch, parked outside and put on my game face.
I entered the house, my voice booming, cracking jokes and playing games; just like I normally would.
Just like the Leo they expected me to be, the light-hearted loveable rodeo clown.
But I felt Maddy’s piercing stare on me, poking holes in my armor.
I leaned in and kissed her soft cheek, the scent of her bringing me back down to earth and grounding me.
Her eyes lingered on mine, trying to see through the facade but I turned away.
The mood was somber. I expected nothing less but did all I could to lift spirits and it worked for a while.
After dinner we all went to watch a movie, except for Kat.
The girls curled up on the couch together while I settled in my usual spot on the loveseat by the fire.
Maddy joined me, our legs touching as she leaned into me.
Eventually I wound my arm around her shoulders, and she settled into my side, just like normal.
The random rom-com we watched couldn’t hold my attention, which just goes to show how much overthinking my brain was doing. The credits rolled and one by one the girls drifted off to bed, eager to end the miserable day.
Netflix rolled right into another movie and it was just me and Maddy, sitting together, like lovers really, on the couch. My arms around her, her leaning into me, always connected. Sometimes it felt like we were one person.
“I can feel it, you know,” she said, her voice low.
“What’s that?” I replied, not pulling my eyes from the TV.
“The tight leash you’ve got on your control.” She turned and glanced up at me but I couldn’t meet her stare. “It’s going to snap, Cowboy.”
My mouth twitched as I fought my emotions, trust her to find the weak spots in me.
“You don’t need to be strong for me,” she whispered. “I know you’re hurting too.”
I dropped my head back and squeezed my eyes shut, tears gathering. “Goddammit, woman.”
“Leo?”
“It’s all my fault. I could have saved him, we could have saved him. I know it.”
The sob I was holding in broke free and she flung herself into my lap, straddling my waist, wrapping her arms around me.
I buried my face in her neck and cried. She just held me tight, murmuring soothing words through it all.
Telling me everything would be fine. That he couldn’t have been saved. That it wasn’t my fault.
Damn her for pushing me to confront how I was feeling. I was trying so hard to keep myself in check, hold myself together for her. I didn’t want to flaunt my grief in her face, she’d been through enough.
“You silly man, trying to be strong for everyone else instead of letting out how you were feeling too,” she murmured, stroking my hair and God it felt good whenever her nails hit my scalp.
“You don’t need me breaking down on you,” I replied, my throat thick and voice hoarse. I shuffled her back slightly because her touch and closeness were causing havoc in my pants and I did not need her to feel that right now.
She pulled back and looked at me, wiping a tear from my cheek. “Why not?”
“Because it’s not what you need.”
She arched a brow. “And you know what I need?”
“We’ve been here before, Maddy. I know how the next few months are going to go,” I sighed. “I want to be as strong as possible for you and the girls.”
She laughed, actually fucking laughed.
I reared back. “Excuse you?”
She covered her mouth. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh, it’s not funny. But you need to learn to let people take care of you occasionally, instead of always taking care of them.”
I pouted. She snorted, then her face softened, her brows dipping in.
“When Mama died, we were all a mess. She was gone too soon and the girls were so young, Daddy was a mess. I’m older now, I’ve been through grief and it’ll be a complete fucker this time around too, but I’m prepared for it. You don’t need to worry about me. Let me take care of you.”
“He was your father, Maddy.”
She brushed my hair back and leaned into me.
I don’t know if we were just that comfortable with each other or it was just reflex on her part, her caring nature, but it was feeling far too blissfully domestic for my poor romantic heart.
My hands found their way to her back and began rubbing up and down, trying to soothe us both.
“He was everyone’s father. You think I didn’t know what he meant to you? You think we didn’t all see how he wished you were his son?”
My lip wobbled and I glanced away from her again. She gripped my chin and made me face her.
“Hey. Stop hiding from me.”
I huffed. “But Maddy—”
“No!” she raised her voice. “I’ve known you for as long as either of us can remember, I can see you cry. I can see you sad. I want to see those things because I want you to know you’re safe with me.”
I looked into her eyes, the hazel depths pulling me into some kind of trance.
Her stare dropped to my lip where a tear had finally finished its journey and rested in the crease.
Her thumb swiped it away, but her eyes remained where it had been.
Her tongue coasted over her bottom lip as she continued staring and my dick grew harder in my pants at the intensity.
“Maddy?”
“Hmm?”
My hands continued stroking over the small of her back and when her breaths grew labored, they slowly came to rest on the curve of her ass.
“I do feel safe with you,” I murmured, unable to move my stare from her face. The low light from the TV shadowed her eyes so I couldn’t read them. I wanted desperately to know what she was thinking and why she couldn’t stop looking at my mouth.
“I feel safe with you too,” she spoke, barely above a whisper but I heard it and goosebumps erupted over my skin.
She shuffled forward slightly, her crotch pressing down over my erection and we both hissed.
I didn’t know what was happening between us and why it was now, but I wasn’t going to fight it.
I needed this.
I needed her. And I always had.
One hand left the curve of her ass and gripped the back of her neck, my fingers tangling in her hair.
“Mads—” I began but she cut me off. She leaned forward and sealed our mouths together in a moan. Fuck, that moan. It would play like a soundtrack in my head for the rest of my days.
She arched up into the kiss and my head dropped further back as my grip in her hair tightened.
Her lips were so plush and drove me fucking wild as they moved against mine.
What was it about this woman’s kisses that gutted me every fucking time?
No one else kissed the way she did. No other woman’s kisses affected me the way hers did.
She kissed me like I was hers.
Fuck I wanted to be hers so badly. I was struggling to fight it, couldn’t deny it anymore. Had tried to bury my feelings for Maddy in other women but it didn’t work. Not when one kiss from her obliterated everything in my life.
I broke away and held her tight to me, grinding her down in my lap as I kissed my way down her jaw, to her neck and sucked hard.
Her breath stuttered and a guttural moan slipped from her.
I liked that she didn’t try to temper her responses with me, that she let it all out, didn’t hold anything back.
It made it all so much hotter, that she was driven to animalistic noises by what we did.
That us being together was so good for her.
Fuck we would be incredible in bed, I just knew it.
She didn’t hold anything back and my need to watch her writhe in ecstasy would ignite us both.
“Oh my God,” she uttered and suddenly, she wasn’t in my lap anymore. I glanced to where she now sat beside me, lips puffy, hair a mess and eyes fixated on the TV.
“What the—”
Then I heard the sound of footsteps blundering down the wooden staircase and knew exactly what had caused her to leap off me like that.
“Forgot my phone,” Daisy muttered absently as she stomped into the room, as heavy-footed as ever. I cleared my throat, drawing a cushion towards my lap to hide my erection. I schooled my features and focused on the TV, just like Maddy.
“Night, you two,” Daisy said and she was almost out of the room when she stopped and scrutinized us both. I held my breath, praying that what we’d just done wasn’t written all over my face.
I darted my eyes to Daisy and then back to the TV but I saw enough. The gleam in her eye and smirk on her lips said she knew exactly what she’d just interrupted.
“Sweet dreams,” she quipped and then she was gone.
I glanced towards Maddy and her chest was still heaving, her gaze firmly locked on the screen.
“Maddy?” I reached for her arm but she leapt up from the couch.
“I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me.
One minute I’m telling you you’re safe with me, then I’m mauling you like an animal!
I’m sorry, that was so unacceptable, Leo.
” She paced in front of me, her face buried in her hands like she couldn’t look at me.
“Fucking grief, it makes you do crazy things. I didn’t mean to. ”
She thought that was a mistake? It wasn’t a fucking mistake to me.
It had felt like the most natural thing in the world to have her in my arms like that.
I wanted more. I wanted us to always be like that.
To love each other completely. To move in together.
To start a family. To live happily ever after, dammit.
Looking at her now, pacing in front of me and wringing her hands in worry, I realized I had two choices; tell her it was fine and that we were cool and continue to be friends.
Or tell her that I wanted her to sit her ass right back on my lap and continue where we left off.
And then let the inevitable heartbreak consume me when she reminded me that she didn’t do happily ever after.
She didn’t want a family. And that I’d essentially forced her to take my heart just so she could shatter it.
I sat forward on the couch, arms resting on my knees. “Maddy, look at me.”
She eventually turned to face me, her teeth mangled her lower lip, a look of complete horror on her face.
Well, shit. I thought about those two options again, layering the complete fucking regret she was emanating and made my choice. Slapping my thighs, I stood up.
“Don’t be silly, it’s fine. Emotions were high. You didn’t exactly take advantage but, we’re good. I still feel safe with you.”
I stepped towards her and she shrank back which hurt like a motherfucker. “You do?”
“Maddy, you’re being ridiculous. We’ve kissed before,” I teased.
Her lip lifted on one side. “I know but—”
“I’ve gotta go anyway, I’ll come back and check on you all tomorrow.
See you soon, racoon,” I kissed her cheek briefly, affectionately, friendly.
Lingering for a moment because I was a glutton for punishment and I just couldn’t help myself.
I needed a few more seconds of this closeness.
Needed to commit these fleeting touches to memory; to have something to pore over on the nights when I couldn’t imagine how the hell I was ever going to love anyone but her.
She blinked in surprise. “Uh, sure. Be sweet, parakeet.”
I chuckled. “Take care, polar bear.” I threw over my shoulder and waited for her reply, but she didn’t have one. I turned back, resting on the door frame. She was wringing her hands, the crease in her brows deepening.
“Maddy, stop overthinking it, go to bed. We’re good.”
She nodded.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked.
She nodded again, a small smile lifting her mouth. I tapped the frame and left before I went back and kissed that smile right off her face.