18. Merle
Merle
The next day, everyone acts as if nothing happened; everyone talks quietly as they get ready. It’s peaceful. No one pressures me to speak or asks what happened last night. King shadows me, and when we are ready, he holds out his hand. Everything is normal.
And I feel like they are all looking at me, pointing, laughing.
“Focus!” King murmurs and jiggles his hand.
I groan and take his hand.
He smiles wider and swings me up onto his back.
Today isn’t as fast, but it’s harder terrain, and we have to stop a few times to hang from ropes and descend the sides of cliffs. It’s appalling. I hate every single minute of it.
When I look back, I realise we’ve crossed a whole freaking mountain, and it’s pretty, but this feels suspiciously like running. Even though everyone is happy and cheerful. No one is telling me anything.
Most of me is relieved and happy to be in a bubble, but a part of me is unhappy and is growing more and more uneasy.
Pack Prince, Meg, and Desi are keeping their distance today, leaving me to wander with just my six babysitters.
My wanders take me to a place where I stand in a meadow with the greenest grass.
It’s knee high and keeps changing direction in the wind.
Blaze follows me out into the middle. He closes his eyes and spreads his arms wide.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” he murmurs.
I stare up at him, thinking idly that yes, he is.
I have so many questions, but there’s only one I should ask.
Why are we running?
Somehow, that question is still locked behind my teeth, and I can’t bring myself to poison the air with it. Even if I could speak. I wouldn’t be able to ask.
He pulls out his dao, pointing it past me, his eyes closed. When he moves, I step with him, dancing and staying just ahead of his blade and how it moves.
I find myself laughing as I spin in, pressing my back against his chest. His arm wraps around me, holding me tight.
“You are very elegant when you are dancing with my dao.”
It’s you who is elegant. It’s you who are magic, I think back at him.
He spins me until we’re standing two feet apart. I want to step back into his space. He keeps his sword pointed down and away from me.
His eyes peel open and flare with pleasure and interest. It’s just me and him in the deep grass. I step towards him, unable to stay away.
My cheeks get hot, but I don’t look away. There’s a confidence in my body that’s come from moving with him. I feel…grounded.
“Food’s up!” Rolly shouts.
Blaze mutters but holds out his hand. I put mine in his without a second thought and walk back to where we’ve stopped for lunch.
I sit down and listen as everyone laughs and talks. I don’t feel like I belong. Everything in me promises that this is temporary. It’s not my life.
I just don’t understand why I can’t have it.
The day passes slowly, it’s the most peaceful I’ve felt for as long as I can remember, but that gets me thinking. Why can’t I remember my childhood? Who am I? Why can I only remember snatches of a nightmare? Where is the rest of me?
I get up and follow Roseland as he walks back down the track a ways.
Wait for me. I’m forever following him, watching him move in the shadows ahead, unseen by everyone around him. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only person in the entire world that sees him.
And then I see Pix, with his eyes on the detective, and I know I’m not the only one.
Roseland stops, his shoulders tensing. “I would have given anything to hear you call my name, once.”
It takes me a moment to realise he’s talking to me.
I stare at him, my stomach flips. His voice is low, and no one else can hear him. It’s just us and this feeling that I know him. But I don’t. He saved me and got stabbed. That’s all I know.
Explain. Tell me, I silently demand as I edge closer to him.
He doesn’t explain, deny, or confirm it. In fact, he doesn’t say anything, he turns away, looking out over the forest like he’s planning to be lost in it.
He whirls back, and suddenly he’s got me pressed up against a tree. “Don’t remember. Start a new life, away from this pack, run and find something average and peaceful where you can be someone new.”
I blink up at him. A broken cry is torn from me, a soft sound just heard between the two of us, but it feels like the echo of something from the past. Something deeper and darker twists up and around it, coming from deep inside me.
I lick my lips, terrified for no reason.
“Don’t stop running, little omega,” he whispers.
I shake my head. I don’t understand. What is he saying to me? His lips part, and I stare at them, seeing them in my mind, twisting with an image from the back.
The knife punches deep, his mouth opens wide, and his knees buckle. I rush forward to catch him, but he shoves me away.
“Run! Run! Don’t look back. Don’t stop.”
“You asshole.”
That voice in my memory, that hideous, monstrous voice comes back like an oily wave, leaving me feeling dirty.
I slide past him, putting room between us, ignoring the pain on his face.
My gasp shakes like a shutter in a gale. All the warmth from my body has evaporated, and all I can see is him dying, over and over. Ordering me away.
He shakes his head, gripping my forearm and yanking me back so we’re almost eye to eye. “Save yourself.”
Another command.
Another alpha order I’m compelled to obey.
I grip the material over his chest, scrunching it up until my knuckles turn white, refusing to let go.
“Save yourself,” he says again.
No.
No, I won’t.
What’s the point? I’m already living a half-life.
I shake my head, emphasizing my point. He lets out a wounded noise.
“Then, no one can save you.”
He grabs hold of my wrist, pulls my hand free, and then turns and melts away into the forest.
I turn and make my way back to the group, finding them all laughing and smiling. Why am I screaming inside? Why is everything so hard? Why do I feel hands on me? Where is the fear coming from?
My skin is too tight, it prickles, I feel wrong, like in my head.
Disjointed, a fractured painting, something that’s so broken I’m never going to be put back together again.
I close my eyes, and in the far distance of the inner landscape of my head, I hear myself laugh, carefree and broken, and I hate myself.
I hate what I’ve done to myself.
Arms band around me, I fight them, struggling blindly until the scent of sage and cloves hits me and pushes all those memories back and away. The distress loses its edge, leaving me hollowed out and feeling like I’m nothing but a shell.
“Shh, you’re okay. We’re here.”
I keep my eyes closed, terrified that if I open them, I’ll find that he’s just a fragment of a dream I once had and he’ll turn to smoke and vanish.
I’m pulled into his hard chest.
“They’re going to leave. All of them. It will just be us from here on out.”
I jerk hard, twisting so I can see his face, the questions must be written there because he just laughs.
“Of course, we don’t need them; we just thought it might be easier for all of us if there was a buffer. It was a terrible idea, so they are going to go play hide the pickle on another mountain and leave us to our games.”
I stiffen, then yank myself out of his arms. I’m not playing with man parts.
My expression and the way my eyes drop to his crotch must give my thoughts away instantly.
The alpha leans in with a conspiratorial smile. “You don’t have to touch any pickles if you don’t want.”
PICKLES?
I huff a startled sound and edge back from him, glaring suspiciously.
Sage starts laughing convulsively. I growl, turn and find Rolly standing in front of me, pouring water down his jumper.
“Um, I really want to know what this conversation is about and why we aren’t playing with pickles. And if you object to playing with them, you won’t mind if I play with mine solo, right?”
I stare at a spot on his chest because there is no way I can look in his eyes; I just can’t. My cheeks are so hot that I think I could cook using just the ambient heat.
Rolly suddenly realises he’s pouring water on himself. “Oh, look, I’m so wet.”
My jaw drops. Sage growls, a deep, low vibration that hits low in my gut.
“You’re going to be wet when I drag you to the next body of water and dump you in it.”
Oh. My. God.
He slides his hand down his body, and just when he reaches his groin, Rory and Kota hit him in the face with what looks like water pistols.
“YOU ASSHOLES!” Rolly snarls, and he’s off, faster than I can imagine, chasing them through the trees.
All I can hear is the cackling and giggling of half-hysterical alphas playing with water guns.
I’m about to think something about age-appropriate play when Sage’s arms quiver. Really? I heave a sigh.
Go. I wave a hand in their direction.
“No, I’m-”
I wave it more emphatically.
He lets go, bouncing in front of me and bowing slightly. “As my lady commands.”
The alphas are everywhere. In trees, hidden behind boulders, darting from tree to tree. I watch in confusion that morphs to amusement.
Bonnie is lying on her side, reading a magazine. I approach her and sit down close, but where I can see the bulk of the war that’s going on.
“Don’t worry, this is a regular thing.”
Oh. Well, that’s, um, good? So, this is play for them? I am intrigued, but it again adds another piece of the jigsaw puzzle.
Bonnie looks up and smiles. “It’s good they have each other to play with. Blows off steam and keeps their skills up.”
What skills is she talking about?
I wrap my arms around my knees and sit beside her. In theory, I should be comfortable with this omega. But I’m not. Not even a little bit.
It’s not hostility or hate. It’s just, she’s a .
Pix sits down beside her and leans on her hip. “What do you think about this plan?”
“Oh, you found out about it, did you? Where were you? We were all deciding, and you were in the wind.”
“I was looking around.”
Bonnie makes a scoffing sound. “Sure, Precision.”
My eyes sharpen on him. Precision? Is that a nickname?
Pix chortles, reaches out, puts a hand to the side of her head, and pushes her off balance. The easy way they touch and interact hurts. I want it, I want to know what that feels like.
In my mind, I see a girl who turns with golden eyes, smiling as she looks back over her shoulder. Her hand is holding tight to mine.
I jerk away from them, standing up and looking around.
Who was that? My heart is racing, my pulse hammers. Who is she? Where is she? She’s important to me; she’s someone I should know.
I press my hands against my sternum.
“Merle?”
I ignore the omega and walk away, turning back in that same direction like I’m a compass arrow and that is my north. What is waiting for me?
Maybe it’s the answers.
Roseland’s words come back.
Forget about it. Live a new life. I could be part of this; I could have alphas, scent matches. I could grow and put the broken parts of myself back together, using the glue that is these alphas to hold me together.
A monster.
A girl.
What was so bad that I forgot about it?
The game continues and finishes, but I stand by the tree, ignoring everyone, trying to decide what to do. In the end, the temptation of the pack is too much. I want a new life. I have fragments, they barely feel real.
I’ll push it all aside, find a life, heal. No one would begrudge me that?
And if I have nightmares, more of them…then they’ll chase them away until I forget what I’m scared of. Until I forget who I am.
I turn back, and when Rolly comes close, I don’t have to fake the smile.
“Want to learn how to start fires?”
A flash of flames billowing into the sky. There are bodies burning. Or are they just logs?
I nod my head.
“Come, my lovely pupil, let the talented Rolly show you his expert skills. You will be amazed.”
We walk side by side, after a moment, I reach up, wrapping my fingers around his. He pulls my arm around his, dragging me into his orbit and away from the darkness.