Chapter 16
These couple of weeks… have been blissful. Victor has been skipping out of work early most days, and we spend as much time together as we can. My girl received a fresh coat of paint, and she looks beautiful. I went with a matte black. Black is always slimming and my girl, well, she deserves a nice black dress.
I’ve shown Victor more sides of the island. Whale watching, botanical gardens, and my all-time favorite were the waterfall hikes. We’ve done the luaus and even embarrassed him by having them pull him up to dance in front of everyone. Just like fixing the cars, he is God-awful.
It’s hard to imagine when I first met him, how stuffy he was. How cocky and assertive he was. How much money meant to him?
Hawaii has worked her magic, and he has relaxed and even is sporting some scruff on his face. He still has the fancy pajamas he likes to wear, along with fancy dinners every once in a while. Regardless of where we are, or where we go, he’s made Hawaii feel more like home. I’ve found a better understanding of the early mornings, too. No matter which place we stay at, I get up early and help Victor make the bed. The first thing we do together, and I have to confess, I sort of adore it. I never realized how accomplished I would feel by simply making my bed. The feeling of crawling into bed at the end of the day is a mental release when I pull the blanket back. Adding to him crawling into bed next to me, pure comfort.
Leland is still working with a lawyer to block the county’s efforts to try to take the businesses and homes. He refuses to talk to me about it. Constant promises that he’s handling it and I’m trusting it, so I’m trying to leave it be.
Today, Victor and I are sitting in the sand at my house and I have my feet propped on his lap. The sun beats down, melting any stress from life.
“It’s so nice today.” I take a deep breath of fresh air. A soft breeze pushes through our entwined limbs, gently swaying all the fabric between us.
“Yeah, it’s pretty perfect,” he responds. There is a calmness in his voice.
I probably shouldn’t push this conversation, but my emotions have been building. “Can I ask you something?”
“What’s up?” He looks over at me. Admiration shines bright through his light hazel eyes.
“When do you leave to go back to New York?”
“Could be a couple of weeks or months. This company is playing hardball with things. Laying on the paperwork.”
“Doesn’t it all stress you out?” I can hear the uncertainty in his voice when he talks about his work.
“Work? Yeah, but it’s normal. However, everything else doesn’t make it seem so bad.”
I nod, understanding what he means.
“Can I ask you something?” he inquires.
“Sure.” I nod. His eyes stay locked on mine.
“You haven’t asked me what we are. Is this something you think about?”
“I’ve thought about it. But I don’t want to pressure you. I don’t want to think more of things, especially if we both are not on the same page,” I explain. “It’s been a pleasure being with you these past few weeks. I’m apprehensive about popping that balloon and watching everything shatter.”
Victor rubs my foot that is on his lap. A moan escapes when he digs his knuckle into my arch. At first it was slightly painful, but then there was this release of pressure. My body instantly relaxes as his hands continue to work their magic.
“I can understand that. Do you want more?” He asks.
“More?” I groan.
“Like an official status.” He is tiptoeing around with words.
“Oh my, my, my. Are you asking to go steady?” I tease. I watch the slightest blush crawl up his face.
“Nope! Forget about it.” He laughs it off.
“No, can’t let you off the hook that easily.” I nudge my foot into his leg a bit. “This coming from the man who said relationships are messy and complicated!”
“You are a royal pain in my ass.”
I giggle, watching him squirm. “Oh, man. Why the seriousness? What’s going on in that big brain of yours?”
“Just, I’m not seeing anyone else…”
“I know. You are always with me. I’m not complaining.”
He shakes his head, smiling. “Don’t girls need that status title?”
“Maybe, but we’re having an honest and realistic talk here?”
His perfect lips tip up with a genuine smile. “Have you ever been one to sugarcoat things?”
“Okay.” I sigh, unsure of how he’s going to take my response. “But you are planning on leaving.” I’ve thought about those words before, but it hurts far more than I ever thought. He’s going to be leaving.
“How do you feel about that?” His voice dips with worry.
There is no turning back now. We are having that talk now. Releasing my foot, he lies next to me in the sand. He took my hand and threaded his fingers in mine as we continued this uncomfortable conversation.
“Thankful for the time we have had together. Feeling good for the first time in my life. It’s nice having someone and something to look forward to at the end of the day.”
“I feel the same,” he agrees.
“And at the most… sad,” I say, as his eyes meet mine and he looks confused. “Sad, because even with all the incredible times and moments we have, all the laughing and super sexy moments, the reality is you are leaving. You are leaving just like everyone—”
“Don’t finish that sentence.” Victor turns his whole body to face mine, cupping my cheek to turn me to face him.
“Victor …”
“What if I stayed?” he quickly asks.
Lying here, I am completely taken aback. “I can’t ask you to change, not for me.”
“You don’t want me to stay?”
“No, I do! Believe me, I don’t want you to leave, but I can’t ask you to give up your life for me. I mean, your whole life is across the United States. Not just that, but we live in different worlds.”
Victor sits up and his body tenses. “You want me to stay, but then you also don’t. We live in different worlds?” His tone is stern and slightly cold. “Wow.”
Our discussion revolves around being truthful about our feelings. I try to calm the situation. It’s burning down fast.
“This wasn’t the way I imagined this conversation to go. I don’t need it thrown in my face from you about living in different circles. I get it at work all the time. Didn’t think I’d get this from you.”
Anger is welling up inside of me. “I’m sorry… What? You get it from work about us?”
“Yeah, but it never mattered to me because you made me happy. I just didn’t realize that it was something you thought of. You never seem to care what anyone thinks,” he accuses.
“It doesn’t! We wouldn’t be together if I cared what other people thought,” I say louder, trying to convince myself of my own words. His leaving, this conversation, and the fact other people have pipped up thinking they know anything about us, has me wanting to pull my hair out. “I didn’t realize you’d get such crap by slumming it with the lower class.”
My words are being thrown out like daggers, all because this emotional side I had hidden has surfaced. My defenses are building this wall back up.
“Stop saying that shit, Collins! I can’t believe after all this time you would throw that out there! Is that the kind of man you think I am?”
Words are escaping my mind and I can’t find the right things to say. Do I want him to stay? Of course, I want him. I want the forever kind of time.
I should stop talking, I should open up and tell him to stay. I should … I should … I should, but I’m Collins and everyone leaves. Eventually, everyone leaves. Finally, my emotions getting the best of me.
“Let me ask you this… Is it fair to ask someone to give up a life for me when I am not willing to do the same for them? My brothers are everything to me, and I won’t leave them. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know.” His tone couldn’t be more sarcastic if he tried. I have a feeling this is just the surface of what he can do.
“So, how can I selfishly ask you to stay, knowing that I don’t want to give up my life?” I wish I felt like I was making a valid point, but the uneasiness settles in deeper.
“By saying stay,” he yells. His chest heaving as he looks over his shoulder at me. The eyes that I’ve fallen for are wet and red.
“Victor…” I try to explain my point further, but he cuts me off.
“By saying I love you. Stay with me because I love you,” he screams at me. My heart stops. “I love you, Collins.”
I can feel tears stinging at the edge of my eyes. The shock has sunk into my nerves and I replay this whole moment in my head. Minutes pass by with us in complete silence. The line has been drawn in the sand. I want to say it. I want him to stay. I want him. But my body and mind betray me by repeating “how” and “why” in my mind. A good man wants to stay.
“You … You need to think of what I mean to you.” He pushes himself off the sand and walks away.
My heart most clearly has stopped, and I am internally beating my ass at the cowardly actions I just displayed.
I finally stand to go inside and foolishly think that Victor is still here. He’s left in a fit of anger, and that is all because of me. Sitting on the perfectly made bed, his fancy pajamas are neatly folded. In the chair next to the French doors that lead out to the beach are a few of his shirts and shorts, again perfectly folded.
On his side of the bed, there is a copy of one of his finance and law magazines that is seamlessly sitting on the nightstand along with this morning’s paper. The business page has been marked, and he’s pulled out the section that holds the week’s weather prediction. He started leaving it out so I could plan my surfing trips.
All of this is in my unorganized, eclectic home. He had started to make a space for himself here in my home and my heart. And there I went, ruining it with shame. He has taken my thoughts of everyone leaving and just replaced them with when will I see him again? I still can’t ask for someone to change for me if I’m not willing to make the commitment. I can’t risk leaving my mom and brothers.
Quiet like a mouse, busy as a bee. He has taken my heart and filled it with love. Unwavering and full of life and love.
Damn him.