Chapter 19
Back at the shop, I take a moment to gaze at my girl. Suddenly, I feel like I’m back at square one. An empty hollow frame of something that was once perfect. Driving through the world with my heart rumbling with power and elation.
I contemplate the years of labor, commitment, and exhaustion that I’ve poured into her. She was my saving grace. She is how I repaired what was left of my fragile and cracked reality of a life.
Sitting in front of me, she dazzles with her fresh coat of paint, reflecting the sunlight like a flicker of hope. I close my eyes and even with the engine off, I can hear the roaring rumble of her heart.
But I am hollow.
Void of the feeling of life.
Standing before her, I grip a baseball bat, ready to release my pent-up frustration. Swirling emotions that batter me from the inside out. Everything inside of me is at war. The mind and heart fight for control. Mind pulling my heart from jumping into the depths of the endless ocean with no life jacket. My heart, ready to be swallowed by the salty water that calls to it. My mind is fighting to bring it back to the surface. There are people who depend on you, Collins. She may not know you, see you, or recognize you as her daughter, but she still depends on you.
My nerves assist in the war. Every nerve pulls in the opposite direction like it’s trying to separate from the muscles. Creating the sensation of life. And even with all the current pain I’m feeling, I truly believe Victor when he says he made a mistake. Unfortunately, the fact is we are where we are because they brought him in from the concrete jungle to take over. Although I believe he doesn’t want to take away this place that represents my childhood. However, he has taken over me.
A small change of being someone I looked forward to seeing at the end of the day, the random surprise pop-ins at the shop. The way he allowed me to continue to work and still stay close. He just inserted himself into whatever I was doing and never asked me to change. Seeing my mom and engaging in useless conversation because it means that much to me.
He put me first, but not in his way. He fell into my routine.
As a tear falls down my cheek, I feel someone tug the baseball bat from my hands. I turn to see a battered Lawson with a somber look in his eyes.
“Let’s go surfing,” he whispers.
I allow him to take my weapon from my hands and silently follow him to his truck. He stops at mine and grabs my longboard, placing it in the back of his truck.
“Are you calling Massey?” I ask absent-minded.
Lawson shakes his head. A small smile forms on his face. “I told her I’m spending the day with you. It’s just you and me, sis. You need this today. As weird as it may feel, I think we both need this. I’ll call her if you become too emotional, and I can’t handle it.”
While he may be joking, I genuinely take his last comment seriously. I’ve never been this broken up over a single person.
“Deal.” My voice is somber and weak. The fight throughout my life is becoming too much.
Lawson drives us to a secluded spot. I’ve never been here before. He jumps out of the truck like he knows where to go, so I can only assume this is one of his secret spots. I follow along and watch in wonder of my brother. Lawson is the type of person who needs constant contact and attention, so I wonder how I never knew about this place. There is an ease to Lawson today. It eases the tension in my heart a fraction.
We grab our boards and hike through the dense woods to a small beach. Palm trees lean over the beach, offering a shaded, peaceful setting. We drop our boards and sit next to each other in the sand, prepping our boards. I gaze out into the ocean, confused as to why he brought us here to surf.
“There is no surf, Law. Like no overhead,” I say. “How are we supposed to surf?”
“I know. Do you trust me?” He mumbles.
I look at him and fake an offensive gasp. He gently pushes at my shoulders, huffing a belly laugh.
“Okay, just trust me in this today,” He pleads.
My brother implored me to have faith in him. I nod, and together we walk to the water’s edge. I am on the verge of taking the next step as he interlocks his pinky with mine.
“This is you and this is me, little sister. Be here at this moment with me. This is the sand, salt, and water that are all so different but work in perfect harmony. You, me, and Leland. Leland is the sand, I’m the water, and you are already salty, so you are the salt.”
“You…”
“No insults to be spit back, salty.” Lawson cuts me off.
I purse my lips with a smile. Lawson tugs my elbow and we rush into the calm surf. Paddling out and we stop just over the reef where the water is tame and quiet. I watch my brother pull his legs up on his board.
“Lie back.” He gestures for me to copy him.
I do as he says as we lie head to toe, holding on to each other’s board. Not a single cloud covers the sky. My arm drapes over my eyes to shield from the blaring sun. For long moments, we don’t speak a single word. We are immersed in mother nature as she hums a lullaby.
“This whole situation sucks.” He breaks the silence. My lip trembles, hurt feelings coming back to the surface. I wholeheartedly agree, but words escape me. “But this is nice.”
“What?” My voice strains as I question him.
“You’re not throwing coffee at me.” He laughs.
I snort, “Still time.”
“Were you really going to take a bat to your car?” He questions with such concern.
I huff my response, “Yeah.”
“It’s that bad?”
I take a moment to gather my thoughts. I teeter between being completely open and honest without worrying that this could affect him. That car became what I needed to steady my cracked heart. It was my focus to calm my worried mind when I felt my life was spinning out of control. With her, I didn’t have to worry if Lawson woke up. Or watch Leland’s hollow gaze from his office, where he also lays his head at night. We tiptoe through the days, and at this moment of finally feeling on top of the world, it all comes crashing down. Everything we’ve worked hard for, sacrificed for, is snatched up from under our fingertips. And the person responsible is the man I have given my whole heart.
I love my brother with every fiber of my being, but I also know how he carries the guilt of his actions. I gulp to settle my distress, not wanting to risk any forward progress with his healing journey.
“Yeah, it is.” I tip my chin at him. “What happened to your face?”
“Victor’s fist.”
I sit up on my board and pull at his leg. “What do you mean, Victor’s fist? What happened?”
“As soon as you left, we let go of him. He turned and clocked me and Leland for holding him back.”
Regret fills my voice. “I am so sorry.”
“Why?” He shrugs. I point to his face and Lawson just shakes his head. “Collins, he was fighting to get to you. He was fighting for you.”
I’m baffled by his words. Victor was fighting to get to me. Fighting for me.
“Okay, listen. You have manhandled my life, and it’s my turn to look out for you. I gave him a hard time at first, thinking he was going for Massey. Lucky she wasn’t into him.”
“Still time,” I say under my breath.
Lawson turns my board over, causing me to fall into the water.
“Cheeky, shut up and listen, you brat,” he teases.
I crawl back on my board and pull my knees up to my chest.
“I gave him more of a hard time because he was into you. You’ll always be our responsibility to protect Collins. Even though it was you taking care of us, we were looking out for you. We made sure you got good grades. We loved that you didn’t go out unless it was with Massey. You didn’t give us a hard time,” Lawson explains. “Collins, Leland, and I feel like we fail you consistently. Me fucking up and have this overwhelming need for validation. Those years where I partied hard, you guys were there. Shit, I gave you and Leland the hardest time. Giving up that responsibility is really hard for us. We trust you… we don’t trust the world.”
I sit and listen intently to his words of wisdom.
“I’ll need to add Massey in on this, too. She’s a great listener. These past couple of months with her have changed what I thought life could be like. For the first time, I don’t have to question what I need and deserve.”
“She’s pretty spectacular.”
“Yeah, she took me to her house for dinner. Her dad welcomed me with open arms.”
I can’t help the grin that covers my face. My brother spent years in a weird place in his life trying to heal from emotional wounds. Nights and days, he searched for a place to feel like he belonged. Today’s the first day where he seems content. It’s a welcome sight to see.
He laughs. “We both have someone good in our lives who want to stay.”
“So, do you believe him?”
“Yeah. I don’t think Victor would be so deceptive and then punch your brothers in the face while screaming how much he loves you.” Lawson makes an excellent point. “If it was all business, he would’ve boarded that plane the moment the notice was sent.”
I nod in understanding. “What do I do now?”
“I have no clue, Collins. You handle things so much better than me. I don’t know what changed to go from hating that man to spending every spare second with him.”
“Me either. He was just there all the time. Then it morphed to where I couldn’t wait to see him. He’s nothing like I’ve dated before. I like that.”
“Yeah, looking at it on paper, you both as a couple make no sense. But seeing it in person explains a lot. Opposites.”
“He said I need to figure my feelings out for myself. As soon as I did, we had that bomb dropped.”
“And you almost destroyed your girl for it?”
“Honest?”
“Lay it on me.” Lawson holds his arms up, ready for this rant.
“She was complete. Every part, every piece, every bit of her was complete. However, I was back at square one, a hollow frame,” I explain, hoping he understands what I am saying. “I feel like I’m dying on the inside. This feeling of being alive is completely new to me. I understand the feeling of going through the motions without truly living. Victor and I did so much here, and we had so much fun together. Lawson, he was asking me to ask him to stay.”
“I get it. What do you want, Collins?”
“Leland asked me that.” I look back at the shore.
“I’m sure you gave him some bullshit answer. Tell me the raw truth.”
“I want the husband who has the financial and law magazines neatly placed on the side bed table. He needs the bed to be made every morning. Like clean and tight sheets. His fancy and expensive pajamas neatly folded on the edge of the bed, waiting to be worn. I want to laugh like there is not a worry in the world. I want to have someone to make plans with, not someone who passes the time. Lawson, I want Victor,” I admit. “I want to work on cars and make surfboards. I want to learn to cook and bake like an American housewife. I don’t know, I want it all!”
“So… Have it all, Collins! Don’t be like me and dwell on what’s not there and live! You know how it feels, so don’t give up that easily. You are not someone who waits for a pity party. Don’t be like me three years ago and destroy the good parts of life because you are upset.”
Lawson is staring at me intently and truth floods his eyes.
“Wow, Lawson. Great speech.”
“I know,” he says smugly. “Now, we have forty-five minutes before Massey is expecting your call. Be quiet, we are meditating,” he demands. “Ok, I need this, so no making fun, no quick comebacks.”
I lay back on my board and, just as requested, spent forty-five minutes quiet. True to form as soon as we get back to Lawson’s truck, my phone lights up with a call from Massey.
“Hey!” Massey says tentatively.
“Hi.” I can only manage so much.
“Are you ok?”
“No, but I will be. I need to talk to Victor.” This is the most confident I’ve felt.
“He’s back in New York,” she says.
Like a punch in the gut, I can feel my heart peeling away, layer by layer. He left.
“What?”
“He left, but…”
“He left?” I repeat.
“Yeah, but …”
“I have to go.” I just hang up the phone. My earlier confidence has halted as my heart seizes in my chest. He left me behind. Was I wrong this whole time?
“Did you talk to her?” Lawson asks as he climbs into the truck.
“Mmm,” I nod. “Do you mind taking me home?” I whisper.
“Sure.” He looks at me, perplexed at the sudden shift of energy. Excitement and hope have dulled at Massey’s words. Words that doused any flame I held.
Lawson drives me home and I feel so defeated. I sulk up to my house and head in the door. I’ve been doing a lot of firsts lately, and tonight for the first time, I lock all the doors, close all the windows, and pull the shades. I shower and put on his fancy pajamas that he left behind. Climbing into bed, I pull the covers over my head and try to let the proverbial ocean swallow my heart.
He left …