Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
Holt
“You look like shit.”
I ignore Wade’s remark and go back to the papers on my desk. He makes himself at home across from me, casually propping one ankle on the opposite knee.
If I look like shit, then I feel like hell.
I should’ve gotten some sleep last night. I should’ve tried, at least. But just going into my room makes me think of Blaire, and that wasn’t going to bring sweet dreams.
So I worked instead. All. Night. Long. I switched my shirt at four this morning and drove to the office. Rosie brought me coffee and a donut at six.
“You could’ve at least combed your hair,” Wade says. “Fuck, Holt. We have this under control, you know. You don’t have to turn into a troll.”
“You know what?” I say, looking up. “Fuck off.”
“Wow. Okay.”
I let my hands fall to my desktop. The sound echoes around the room.
My body sags, and I feel my energy plummet. I’ve been running on fumes for hours. I was afraid that if I stopped, I’d never gear back up.
“Good morning, boys,” Oliver booms as he walks into my office. But one look at Wade quells his spunk. “Well, fuck.”
“Same thing I said,” Wade chimes in.
“No. You said I look like shit.”
Oliver sits down next to Wade. “Well, he was right. Damn, man. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Let me rephrase—are you going to be okay? I’m asking in a totally serious way,” Oliver says.
My brothers watch me with total seriousness. Gone are their jokes and jabs, and in their place is a concern for my well-being.
It’s not misplaced.
Nothing feels right today. My house feels too big and my office too quiet. My shirt is too tight, and my stomach, despite being empty except for Rosie’s donut, threatens to spill its contents all over the floor.
I keep telling myself this will get easier. I just need to get absorbed back into this project and forget all about Blaire.
My head hangs in front of me.
“Of course, I’m going to be okay,” I say without any gumption behind it.
Oliver and Wade sit quietly—something that’s unusual for them. It makes a strange day even stranger having my brothers in a room with silence.
The truth is, I don’t even care. I lost all my fucks to give somewhere around two this morning.
I just don’t care.
I should. I want to care. I cared so much yesterday. I cared so fucking much that I left a woman who’s a damn unicorn —a woman unlike any other I’ll ever meet in my entire life—in my house crying.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve lost touch with reality.
How did I get here? Why do I feel defeated?
Especially when I’m on the precipice of the biggest victory in Mason Ltd. history.
Wade checks his watch. “Look, we have a few minutes before we have to leave. You are going to have to pull your head out of your ass.”
Oliver sighs. “Come on, Wade. Have a little heart.”
“I have a heart,” he says. “I just don’t have room in it for someone to fuck up my future.”
“He’s our brother. He’s heartbroken.”
“I’m right fucking here,” I tell them both. “Damn.”
Wade places both feet on the floor. “I’m trying really hard here to have some empathy for your situation. However, I’m coming up shorthanded.”
“Shocker,” Oliver mutters.
Wade doesn’t look bothered. “I’m going to be quick about this and very cut-and-dry.”
“You just keep bringing the shockers, don’t ya?” Oliver asks.
Wade ignores him again. “This whole thing you have going on today is because of Blaire. Correct?”
“Well,” I say, “it is. But really, it’s more about—”
“A simple yes or no will suffice,” Wade deadpans.
I sit up, making myself appear as tall as I can.
“You know what? Maybe it doesn’t suffice,” I counter. “Maybe life isn’t black and white and yes and no and up and down and left and right. Maybe it’s fucking gray. Maybe it’s a decimal point. Maybe it’s a … tie game, and there is no overtime.”
That last bit doesn’t make a lot of sense. I just keep going so Wade doesn’t start picking at my analogies.
“The point is,” I continue, “that I can’t give you a simple yes or no because it’s not just because of Blaire. It’s because of … me.”
I don’t think I realized this until I said it.
But I’m right. It is about me.
In so many ways.
And not just that I caused the detonation of my relationship with Blaire or that I subconsciously pushed her away to save myself from having to face my truths.
This whole thing is about me and my fear of failure.
I know it. And as soon as I realize it, a weight lifts off my shoulders.
I’m afraid of failing my family and hurting our business. I’m terrified of failing a woman and being a shit companion. And I’m absolutely petrified of committing to Blaire and losing her.
Because out of all the things I’m most scared of, that’s the one I don’t think I’d survive.
“Why’d you let her go?” Wade asks. “And, yes, I know she left because Boone told me.”
“How the fuck did Boone know?”
“Larissa,” Wade says. “You can’t keep a secret in this family.”
Oliver leans forward. “I’d like to circle back to the reason you let her go. Because if she was staying at my house, she’d still be there. I guarantee you that.”
I glare at him. He laughs.
Fucker.
I ignore Oliver and turn to Wade.
“I don’t know how to balance it all,” I tell him. “I don’t know how to perform here and be what she needs too.”
Wade grins. “How very arrogant of you.”
“What? What do you mean?” I ask. “How can you even say that? I pushed her away to save her, Wade. Not out of arrogance.”
“Has it ever occurred to you that she doesn’t need you to be anything? She’s a grown, successful woman who’s managed to obtain a law degree, be an upstanding member of society, and have very little debt all without you,” Wade says.
“How do you know that?” Oliver asks.
“Background check,” Wade says without looking at Oliver. “But the point here is, Holt, that you just let a woman go because you think she needs you. I happen to think she doesn’t need you for shit. She just wants you. Those are two totally different things.”
I stare at the stapler on my desk and let his words filter through my brain.
The more I think about it, the more I think he’s right.
Blaire doesn’t need me. She doesn’t need me to fill a role in her life or to fix her problems. What Wade said is true—she chose me to be a part of her life because she wants me.
And I made her think I didn’t want her.
Dammit.
The door cracks open, and Rosie pushes her head around the corner.
“If you boys are going to make it to the Landry offices, you need to get going,” she says. “You don’t want to be late.”
“Thank you, Rosie,” Oliver calls.
“Of course. And Boone called and said that none of you are answering your phones and that he will meet you there.” She rolls her eyes. “He gave me an excuse, but it was garbage. So lord knows what he was doing.”
“Thanks, Rosie,” Wade says.
She gives us a little wave and disappears behind the door.
We all take a deep breath and look at one another.
“You guys ready to do this?” Oliver asks.
“Yup,” Wade says.
“I am,” I say.
We stand and grab our briefcases and keys.
I glance at my watch as we take the elevator to the parking lot. I calculate how long it will take to seal this deal. If we can get it done within a few hours, I can still make a flight out of Savannah and be in Chicago tonight.
I need to go to her, but I need to be here for my family too. I have a responsibility to them. They’re counting on me. If it wasn’t for them—if it were for anyone else or anything else—I’d be gone.
As soon as this is over, I’m going straight to the airport.
My brain spins as we exit the elevator and head to our cars.
I have no idea what Blaire will say if I just show up at her apartment. Maybe she won’t even entertain a conversation with me. If she does, I still don’t know how any of this will work out between us.
We still live a thousand miles apart.
All I know is that I have to try. Because she’s the one—the only one I’ve ever wanted to fight for. The only woman who makes my life more uncomplicated by being a part of it.
I stop at my driver’s side door and wait for my brothers to catch up.
“Do you guys want to ride with me?” I ask.
They look at each other. I know something is amiss when Oliver smiles and Wade shakes his head as if he’s in disbelief.
“Go on,” Oliver says. “We got this.”
I furrow my brow. “Go on where? You got what?”
Wade rests his hand on my shoulder. “I think this is ridiculous, and that you’d be much better off in life being alone. But I can see that you think otherwise. So, in your best interest and probably not ours, I think you should go to Chicago now.”
“What? You’re crazy. We have a meeting with Graham in thirty minutes.”
Oliver winks. “We know. Trust me. But I’m going to have to fight myself from punching you in the face every time you do that little exasperated sigh that you’ve been doing for the past two days.”
I look at my brothers to see if they’re serious. “We’re in this together. I’m not going to bail on you guys.”
“We know you’re not,” Wade says, opening my door for me.
“You’ve killed yourself for months to get this thing in order.
You’ve gone above and beyond and are the only person I know who could’ve pulled this off.
Because we are going to pull this off. I have no doubts.
You’ve done your job. Now let us do ours. ”
“But …” I stammer.
“Trust us like we trust you,” Wade says.
“Can I just point out how nice it would be if we had a jet? Because you could get to Chicago so much faster.” Oliver looks back and forth between us. “What? I thought it was a good point.”
I don’t know what to say. Sure, I’d rather skirt off to Chicago—in a private jet if I had one—and find Blaire and put an end to my personal misery. Or try to. But they can’t really expect me to leave them high and dry.
“Go,” Oliver insists. “I like being in charge anyway.”
“Fuck you,” Wade says. “I’ll be the one calling the shots today.”
Oliver groans. “I’m the joint CEO of this company. You are the head of the architectural division. I outrank you.”
“Then do it without my drawings, genius.”
Oliver looks at me and rolls his eyes. “We’ll figure it out. But you need to go. I heard there’s a ticket for you for the twelve thirty flight.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I tell them.
“Say that I’m in charge,” Wade says as he turns toward his car.
Oliver follows. “You’re so full of shit. You are not in charge.”
I laugh as I slip into my driver’s seat and close the door.
A part of me wishes I was going with them. But a bigger, more important part of me needs to find its other half.
And that half is in Chicago.