5. Annalise
Chapter five
Annalise
Pregnant.
The word echoes in my mind like I'm back in that fucking cavern, bouncing off cold stone walls and coming back louder each time.
Pregnant.
Pregnant.
Matt's tears fall into my hair as Sasha's run in a steady stream down her face, but I'm still trying to figure out how anything I just finished telling them could lead them to such a wild conclusion.
Pregnant?
No. That doesn’t make sense. It’s not possible. I would have felt it. I would have known something so…so monumental was growing inside of me.
"I can't be. I'm on birth control, I haven't missed a period, and I haven't had sex in several weeks," I argue.
But neither he nor Sasha says anything.
Matt's arms tighten around me like he’s trying to hold me together before I shatter, and Sasha presses both hands over her mouth.
That silence is worse than anything they could say.
A new kind of terror sinks into my chest, and then, my mind starts racing backward.
The nausea I blamed on anxiety. The bone-deep exhaustion I thought was a case of the breakup blues. The headaches I seemed to be getting far too often. There was more than enough going on to cause those symptoms, but pregnant?
Oh Gods.
"How far along am I?" I mumble, equally afraid and needing to know.
Matt pulls me tighter as Sasha covers her soaked and swollen face, like that'll hide the sobs now ripping from her.
"It's…gone," he chokes out.
The air leaves my lungs in a broken exhale as my hand drifts to my stomach before I can stop it.
There was a life there.
Tiny. Fragile. Unplanned. Unsafe.
I let out a hollow noise that doesn’t sound like it belongs to me.
A laugh or a sob, I'm not even sure. I wasn’t ready.
I would have panicked. I would have paced holes into the floor, whispered every worst-case scenario into the dark.
I would have told Matt with shaking hands, knowing he'd tell me everything would be okay and how loved my baby already was.
A part of me.
A part of Aiden.
Even if he chose not to be involved.
My throat closes so hard I have to fight for breath.
It shouldn't matter this much. It was so early, and I didn't even know.
But it was a heartbeat that I'll never get to hear.
Small fingers that would have wrapped around mine.
A laugh that might have sounded like his.
It was innocent.
And it died inside me while I lay in cold dirt and pine needles; or maybe sprawled across the stone cave floor.
The memories slam into me again—countless hits and kicks, the cracking of bones, and the copper taste of blood. Being held down. Cut. Stabbed. Punched.
But this time, I'm not thinking about the pain, I'm remembering every time I chose to protect my head over my stomach. Every chance I could have had to protect my baby. Folding in on myself, both hands wrap over my abdomen like I can somehow hold what’s already been taken from me.
“Your body endured so much trauma,” Sasha says, softly rubbing my arm. “And at that stage…it doesn’t take much.”
Doesn’t take much.
Just their cruelty. Their depravity. Their disgusting desires.
They didn’t just assault me.
They didn’t just try to rape me.
They took something that didn’t even get a chance to exist.
My vision blurs as hot tears race down my face, and I press my palm harder against my stomach, like maybe I can feel some echo, some whisper of what once was.
“I didn’t even know you existed,” I mutter, my voice shaking so badly it doesn't even sound like real words. “I didn’t even get to see you.”
A future flashes unbidden—tiny giggles as a little girl stumbles and falls, only to be caught by Uncle Matt, a young boy with stubborn eyes and so much determination as I teach him to shoot a bow and arrow while Tyr adds unwanted commentary. A million kisses and a million more "I love yous."
Gone.
All of it. Gone before it could ever be a dream.
Another wave of guilt creeps in, ugly and invasive. If I’d been stronger, or if I’d fought harder. Maybe if I hadn’t let them surprise me.
"That’s a lie and you know it. You fought with everything you had, and then you still gave more," Tyr growls into my mind. "You gave everything you had to survive—exactly like you always have."
I hear every word he says, but the guilt gnaws at me too hard to believe him yet.
The same way I can't acknowledge the "Like you were never supposed to need to do again," I feel him admit next, though it was more to himself than to me.
But he wasn't the one responsible for protecting my baby, I was.
"I really couldn't give him a family. Our baby wasn't even born and I failed it," I choke out.
“No,” he snarls, shaking his head hard enough that I feel it over my own body tremors. “It was NOT your fault. They did this.”
Web.
Platt.
Their names feel like poison in my mind.
My innocent baby didn’t deserve to die because two men decided I was disposable.
You were real, I think as I squeeze my eyes shut. You mattered. Even if no one knew you existed yet, you were mine.
Another sob rips through me, quieter this time. Quieter, but so soul deep, I'm not sure I'll ever recover.
My hand settles over my stomach again, though it's gentle rather than desperate this time. Matt's fingers lacing with mine in a silent reminder that I'm not alone in this grief, no matter how much it feels like I am.
Tears fall in a steady stream from my eyes as I cry out every what-if I can think of. Every apology I can give a child that I'll never get to meet in this lifetime.
"Please put me back to sleep, Sasha," I mutter, only loud enough to be heard over our near silent crying.
Thankfully, she doesn't say anything, but the bed shifts, and I know she's giving me this little gift of reprieve.
"I'll be here when you wake up," Matt chokes out as I bury my face into his chest and pray to the gods to watch over my baby until I can get there to meet it.
Slowly, I blink awake.
A room that feels entirely unfamiliar and like I've been here forever surrounds me.
Sasha is gone, but, just as he promised, Matt is lying beside me, his hand still clasped in mine as he takes long, uneven breaths—on the verge of tears, even in his sleep.
What the fuck is wrong with me? My person is beside me devastated, and yet I chose to escape rather than stay in this with him like he's done for me.
"Nothing is wrong with you." Tyr assures me gently as I run my hand through Matt's hair in the way that's always calmed him. "You've been through hell, and I'm sure you're in shock still recounting the attack and then having to process everything you've been told."
"Thank you," I tell Tyr. "For not reminding me how broken I am."
"You are NOT broken. You have had too many things happen to you in your short time in this world. You simply need time for everything to sink in."
"I love you. You know that, right? I don't think I told you that when I was in the cave, but I do. And I'll never be able to thank you enough for coming to save me, but I hope you can feel it."
"You saved yourself," he says, but I shoot him a 'seriously?' look through the bond.
"We both know I would be humiliatingly naked and dead in the mud if I hadn't been saved."
"Okay, fine. You might have been dead if your not-brother-not-husband and your…
whatever you call your overly invested instructor, hadn't found you when they did.
" He mentally nudges me, "Can you imagine how embarrassing that would have been to be found dead by someone else in the state you were in?
Reeking of sweat and blood…Not even covered in enough mud to spare the person who discovered your body from being blinded by your pale ass. "
I snort so loud, I don't know how Matt wasn't startled awake.
"Gods, you sound like Matt! How much time have you spent together while I've been out?"
"He and Zest spent an unfortunate amount of time out here bothering me.
Even together they aren't very smart, or maybe they'd lost their minds," he pauses, like an idea that's been escaping him has finally clicked, "That must be it!
They were so lost without you, they thought I'd actually enjoy their company. "
"Clearly, that was it," I agree, but I can feel a hint of a smile in his mind mixed in with all of his annoyance at feeling babysat. "I'm sorry I didn't immediately come out to see you. I promise I'll be out first thing tomorrow morning."
After a few minutes, Matt opens his eyes, and I immediately wonder how long he’s actually been awake—if he’d simply chosen to let me have this time with Tyr. I’m not sure how long we remain like that, him holding me, me still running my fingers through his hair, and neither of us saying a word.
With a much clearer head now, I try to remember signs of my pregnancy, but between the breakup, intense classes, and the whole Lucas incident—
"Mattey! Lucas..."
He startles a little at the first words I've spoken in what must be hours, but quickly recovers. Shaking his head, he says, "He graduated, he won't be a problem anymore."
"That's good, but that's not what I meant." I pause, searching for the right words to use so Matt doesn't feel guilty for almost killing Lucas a few days before Bravo graduation.
Unfortunately, I come up blank, so I spit it out as nicely as I can.
"Lucas wasn't my stalker, Mattey. He didn't leave me either of the pigs, and he wasn't the one in my bathroom.
Platt and Web admitted it was all them," I explain as Web's monstrous face before he showed off my bracelet flashes in my eyes.
"Lucas was innocent," I admit, guilt turning my stomach.
Matt scoffs, taking me by surprise, "He may not have been your stalker or done those things, but he was far from innocent. He deserved to get that beating a million times over for far too many years, and I'm only mad I didn't do it sooner."
I give a little hmmm, still not sure how I feel about it all, before scooting back into my own spot on the bed and rolling to look at my best friend.
"How long have I been out, Mattey? How long has it been since Land Nav?"