Chapter 5
Chapter
Five
K ade woke up feeling more refreshed than he could ever remember feeling and it had everything to do with the man snoozing away next to him. He was usually woken up by a nightmare and was never able to get back to sleep, but Ram’s deep even breaths helped calm him. He needed to be getting ready for work but he was so warm and relaxed he didn’t want to move.
“I can hear you thinking,” Ram said hoarsely, he always sounded like he’d gargled gravel when he first woke up.
Kade shivered at that deep tone, it made his whole body tingle. “Sorry, go back to sleep. I’ve got to get ready for work.”
Ram rolled into him, pushing him to his back. “Do you want me to be Daddy or Ram this morning?”
Kade swallowed hard before he took the jump. “I always want you to be Daddy,” he mumbled quietly. He placed his hands on Ram’s sides as he tried to control his breathing. He had no idea what he was supposed to do in this position and knowing Ram was watching him, made his anxiety spike.
Ram hummed while scraping their beards together. “Good, then you’re not going into work today. You’re gonna stay home and let the last of the effects from the migraine fade before you go back.” He barely kept his composure when Kade resembled a fish out of water.
“But…” Kade trailed off unsure how to handle that. He always went to work, no matter what. He couldn’t just stay home and not do anything. That was a recipe for disaster, hell the second Ram was away from him, he felt like he couldn’t breath. That should scare the shit out of him but at this point he’d latch on like a fucking barnacle if it meant he would be able to actually take a deep breath for the first time in God knew how long.
“No, buts. Take a day to relax and recover. I’ll call Torres to let him know, then we’ll talk, then I’ve got to get ready,” Ram said, rolling away to find his pants and grab his phone.
“You’re leaving!” Kade yelled.
Ram cocked his head studying Kade. “Do you want me to stay?” he asked, he still couldn’t get a good read on Kade.
“I’m sure as fuck not staying here if you leave,” he barked, his lips turned down in a scowl. He knew he was being a dick, but with the irrational anger taking root in his brain he couldn’t seem to stop himself from lashing out.
“Easy, baby,” Ram said soothingly. “I just have to go take care of the new puppies, for the new batch of service dogs. I can come back, or if you would like you can come with me.” He cupped Kade’s cheek gently running the pad of his thumb over that plump bottom lip.
Kade grunted, not bothering to answer as he got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. He had no idea why the thought of Ram leaving hurt him so bad. He really shouldn’t get attached to the man. He would leave. They always did no matter what he did to try and get them to stay. He shook his head still trying to understand as he started the shower, stripped and stepped into the warm spray. He knew he was being unfair, Ram couldn’t read his mind. Hell, even he couldn’t tell what he was thinking half of the time.
Ram knocked on the open door. “I’m coming in, but I can’t see you.”
While the thought of Ram seeing him naked used to make his blood freeze in terror, and it still made his breath catch, he was no longer worried about it. He craved this man on a level that scared and pissed him off. “It’s fine,” he mumbled. Maybe if Ram saw the damage that had been done to his body he’d leave before Kade got in too deep. Who was he fucking kidding he was already damn near obsessed with the man.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Ram told him as he leaned against the vanity counter and crossed his arms over his chest.
He scoffed “You didn’t, I’m just still trying to figure out how to do this shit. Fucking hell,” he growled as he knocked over one of the bottles.
Ram grinned, it finally clicked. “That’s because you’re still trying to control things and you’re not in charge, Daddy is.” He hated to say it but referring to himself as Daddy just did it for him and according to Kade’s muffled groan it worked for him too.
“Fuck you gotta stop,” Kade hissed.
“Why baby?” Ram was enjoying this too much. He loved to see the stoic man unravel, and to know he caused it was like ice cream on a warm summer day. Perfect.
“Keep getting erections and no relief… hurts.” Kade whimpered as his dick gave a painful jerk. Fuck he was going from getting an erection once or twice a year to getting them every time Ram was near and it was sending his body into a whirlwind of sensation. While he was fucking ecstatic he wasn’t broken he still wasn’t used to it, even at the beginning of his relationship with Devin he hadn’t gotten this many erections.
Ram rolled his eyes. “Why didn’t you say anything?” he demanded, moving closer to the shower.
Kade grunted. “Didn’t wanna seem needy, or like I only wanted you for sex or some shit.” Because that wasn’t true. He was amazed and happy to feel the sensations he did with Ram but he’d gladly just take the affection the man seemed to want to smother him with.
Ram snapped his fingers next to Kade’s arm and watched his head jerk over like he could see it. “Give me your hand.” He moved the curtain completely out of the way as he quickly pumped some shampoo into his hand before Kade held his out. He covered Kade’s hand with the soap before using Kade’s hand to grab his own dick. He tightened his hold, loving Kade’s strangled grunt as he set up a fast pace, using his other hand to balance them both.
“Oh shit, oh fuck,” Kade chanted, his head thrown back on Ram’s thick shoulder while he strangled Kade’s dick forcing his orgasm to the surface faster than he thought possible, making his knees wobble. Let’s face it I’m just glad I still work after all the damage that has been done to me , he thought and as soon as he started to think about it he couldn’t stop. Images of wires, batteries and the blackish smiles of his captors floated through his mind and his erection waned.
“Get out of your head, baby.” Ram noticed Kade’s breathing had picked up, but when his erection had flagged and his eyes unfocused he’d realized something was wrong. He slowed his pace and loosened his hold but didn’t release him. “Kade, baby, focus on me.” He nipped at his neck causing him to jump.
“Daddy,” Kade wheezed. He could hear Ram’s voice but it sounded so far away. Why was he there? He shouldn’t be there. He could get hurt.
Kade sounded so lost and he hated it. “Right here, baby.” He released him only to wrap his arms around his chest and hold him close. “Breathe, Kade, do you know what triggered that?” He had to wait a few minutes for Kade to get his breathing under control before he answered.
“I was thinking how glad I was that I still fucking work after what they did,” he gasped, his body jerking thinking it needed more air and fighting to get it.
“I’ve got you, baby.” Ram held him tight enough that he wouldn’t hurt himself but loose enough he could move away if he needed to. “Let’s get you back in bed, I’ll call Torres and Owen to let them know we’re staying here.”
Kade just nodded. He didn’t have the energy to fight Ram as he easily manhandled him out of the shower, dried him off, and dressed him in a pair of sweats and a T-shirt before pushing him to the bed.
“Hold on okay, I’ll be right outside the door to make the calls.” Ram fluffed the pillows and brought the blankets up to Kade’s chin.
Kade nodded tiredly, snuggling into the warmth and smell of Ram. He was so fucking tired. He just wanted a few minutes of sleep. Each time he went back it took more and more from him, that he feared he would never be able to get back.
“He’s late, is he okay?” Torres demanded as a greeting when he answered the phone.
“He’s fine, I’m making him stay home today because he had a migraine yesterday,” Ram said, getting to the point. He was still pissed at Torres, but was slowly thawing towards the younger man. While he could see where the man had been coming from, he’d gone about it all wrong and had done nothing more than hurt Kade and make him doubt himself.
“Thank fucking God,” Torres muttered.
“I’ll call you if I need anything.” He hung up before Torres could reply, quickly checked his schedule to make sure he hadn’t been put down for an emergency surgery at the hospital and called Owen.
“Hey Ram,” Owen answered cheerfully.
“Hey bud, are you going to be okay without me today, my partner needs me and I don’t want to leave him.” He didn’t want to give too much information because as much as he adored Owen the man had a big fucking mouth when it came to the topic of someone’s love life.
“Partner?” Owen asked, shocked.
“Long story, I’ll tell you over breakfast sometime.” He promised. He could already sense Owen getting ready to give him the third degree.
“You better and yeah I can handle things today. Dusty’s here so I can put him to work,” he replied happily.
Ram smiled, Owen’s voice had taken on a wistful tone. He couldn’t have found two people more suited to each other then them two. When Owen had gotten with his more reserved nephew he’d been so happy, both were good men who deserved each other, they brought out the best in each other and he loved to see them so happy. He chuckled. “And that’s my cue to leave, goodbye lover boy.”
Owen laughed. “Bye Ram, go take care of your partner.”
He was still chuckling when he came back into the bedroom but it died quickly when he saw Kade fast asleep curled around his pillow. “Jesus.” He rubbed at his heart, the amount of love and affection he felt for this man would normally scare the shit out of him, but he knew if he could earn Kade’s love, he’d earn a partner for life. He’d first have to ease Kade’s doubts. He could easily see the man thought he’d leave as soon as the opportunity arose. Kade would learn quickly he wasn’t going anywhere. He easily slid under the covers and snuggled up to Kade. They were face to face and Ram could see how peaceful Kade looked as he slept. He hoped the man was finding some peace in his mind that he couldn’t seem to quite grasp when he was awake. Even though Kade was blind and his eyes were that gorgeous milky, silvery white, he could still see the demons flitting around like a coven of witches dancing around a fire. He hoped he could bring Kade some more peace as they moved forward. The man deserved it.
Kade woke up disoriented, thinking for one painful moment he was back in that cell. His hair was longer than it had ever been and his beard painfully tangled with mud, blood, and feces. They only fed him on days they tortured him and only gave him dirty water every other day. His stench would become so bad they would hose him down with ice cold water leaving his hair a greasy tangled mess. Once he was able to settle he heard Ram’s deep breathing next to him. “Fuck,” he wheezed trying to get up to pee, but his body locked up and he couldn’t move. Justice had once told him it could be his body’s way of self-preservation, or it could be something neurological that happened when his brain came back online too fast for the damaged nerves to keep up.
“What’s wrong?” Ram asked, groggily. He felt like he had just fallen asleep.
Ram’s deep gravelly voice made him want to rip off his clothes and offer himself up like a sacrifice to the gods. Fuck this man would be the death of him. He groaned. “Gotta pee,” he slurred, trying again to push his body up, but all he ended up doing was pitching himself over the edge. If strong arms hadn’t shot out to catch him, he would have fallen face first onto the floor.
“Kade baby, are you having trouble moving?” Ram asked, confused. He felt like he was dreaming.
“Gotta pee,” he repeated, he didn’t want to piss all over himself, not again, the first few days home had been hell. He refused to ever be in that position ever again.
“Okay, hold on.” Ram pulled him back then rushed to his side to help him up. He basically had to hold him up as he stood in front of the toilet. He saw Kade’s hands shaking, but he was able to pull his pants past his balls and aim. Ram gently grabbed Kade’s dick to make sure it stayed in place. Ram felt the relief flow through Kade and would have smiled had he not been so worried. “Kade, can you tell me what’s happening please?”
He grunted laying his head back on Ram’s shoulder as he continued to piss. He’d let Ram hold him for a minute, while his body came back into his possession. “I don’t fall into REM sleep for long periods of time like normal people, I slept more yesterday and today at one time than I have in the past six years. I suffer from sleep paralysis and this is a side effect from that and the brain damage, they think at least,” he said slowly, trying to articulate so he would be understood.
“Will you always react like this to a normal sleep schedule?” Ram asked. He wouldn’t lie this was scary as fuck. Kade was literally like a lifeless doll. He didn’t seem to have any control over his body and what he did have over his hands was weak.
“I don’t know. Doctors don’t think I will, but I also suffer from non-twenty four,” he mumbled. His knees buckled and Ram was there to make sure he didn’t fall.
“The thing where your days are thirty six hours and you sleep for twelve?” Ram had heard about it, Owen’s brother had suffered from it before he died.
“Yeah. Except I don’t sleep, I just lose time.” Kade stayed slumped in Ram’s arms too worn out to even pull his pants back up.
“Does your friend Doc know everything about what you’re dealing with?” Ram asked cautiously. He didn’t want to push Kade further than he needed to, but he wanted to know more about what Kade was dealing with. He needed to know so that he could take the best care of him that he possibly could.
Kade cocked his head in confusion. “Yes, why?”
Ram helped Kade sit on the toilet pulling his pants up as he sat. “Would you mind if I asked him a few questions about how best to care for you? I won’t ask him to reveal too much information, just enough to give me tips and advice on what I can do to help you.” He caressed Kade’s cheek as he studied him.
Tears burned Kade’s eyes, this is what he’d always wanted in a partner. He’d been taking care of himself for so long he didn’t really know what to do now. “I can call him to come by,” he offered shakily.
“That’ll work. I’ll call Saint too, he’s been worried about you.” He caressed Kade’s hair, letting him soak up some much needed affection. He didn’t want to push him but the man needed to be taken care of.
Kade rolled his eyes. “Man needs to relax,” he mumbled.
Ram snickered. “Jed’s out of town and he’s going insane.” He’d honestly been surprised when his wild nephew had found someone he wanted. Especially when he’d taken one look at Jed who would have loved nothing more than to smite him, and had thought yes I want that one. Thankfully Jed had turned out to be a good man. He’d met him a few times and while he didn’t think they were officially together, watching his nephew fawn over the man was both adorable and hilarious at the same time. He sighed. God all his nephews were falling in love and he was so happy he got to see it. While he had never wanted kids of his own he’d helped Bram and Sanem out a lot especially after Danno was born. Hell they had been kids themselves and scared shitless but they had made it work, and he was so proud to have been a part of it.
“He’s the one who decided to stay home… bet he’s regretting that now.” Kade snickered. Jed had been sent to a conference in New York and if there was one thing Saint hated the most it was dressing up and kissing ass with people he’d love nothing more than to shank in a dark alley.
“Oh yeah.” They sat in silence for a few minutes. “You feeling any better?”
“Yeah, I can move now.” Kade showed him by standing and shuffling to the door.
“I’ll make us some breakfast.” Ram sighed as he stood and stretched out his tense muscles.
Kade nodded. “Okay, I’ll take Valk out and feed him.” He moved to the front door grabbing his shoes and slipping them on.
“Wait, don’t I get a good morning kiss?” Ram huffed. Kade was gonna have to learn to fork up some affection himself. He grinned. He couldn’t fucking wait.
Kade grinned. “Sure, but you have to come to me, I don’t like walking on my carpet with shoes on.”
Ram smiled gently and leaned down to kiss him, before letting him take Valk out. As he began to fix breakfast he started to worry. He had told Owen they were partners but he didn’t know if they really were or if this was just an experiment. He thought back to several weeks ago, to the exact moment he knew he was going to fall hard for this man if given the chance. Kade and Valk had been attacked at The Diner by a trucker and his aggressive off leash dog.
Ram rushed back through the front door of Kade’s apartment to find silence as his greeting. “Kade,” he called out, not wanting to frighten the man.
“Bedroom.” Came a soft reply.
He entered slowly. Kade was sitting on the bed staring at nothing, almost as if in a daze. Valk was laying at his feet, his big head resting on his paws as he looked up at Ram pitifully. “Hey bud,” he said softly as he gently injected Valk with the antibiotics and pain meds before turning his attention to Kade. “I’m going to check your neck okay?” When he got no reply he moved directly in front of him and tried again.
Kade flinched.
“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you,” Ram said, making sure to keep his voice calm and soft.
Kade cleared his throat but his voice still came out scratchy. “Valk?”
“He’s fine. I gave him some antibiotics and a pain reliever to help him sleep.” He really wanted to pull Kade into his lap and just hold the man as he tried to process what had happened.
Kade nodded relieved.
“I need to take a look at your neck,” Ram told him calmly. He was trying to respect the man’s space but if he didn’t allow him to look at the wound in the next five seconds he’d put the man over his knee.
“It’s fine,” Kade replied immediately.
“Kade, that dog was filthy and has probably never seen a vet in his life. You have all your shots right?” Ram tried to keep his voice calm and not let any of his frustration show through.
Kade nodded tiredly, he really just wanted to sleep but feared that wouldn’t happen tonight.
“Okay, that’s good I still need to clean and dress it, I also need to make sure you don’t need stitches,” he said ruefully.
Kade slumped in on himself. “Okay,” he mumbled. He tried not to flinch when Ram’s warm fingers touched his neck. He was so fucking overwhelmed that Ram’s touch felt like a hot poker being dragged over his skin.
Ram moved the ripped collar of his shirt to the side to get a better look. The wound was shallow thank God, but it was dirty. “Okay, I need to flush it out, it doesn’t look that bad but it’s covered in dirt.”
Kade nodded. He’d expected that, he sat still not moving even when the cut burned as it was flushed out.
As Ram patched him up he noticed the picture Kade had still clutched in his fist. “She really was beautiful.” He tapped the edge of the picture.
“Yeah?” Kade croaked. He hated not being able to see for himself what his baby sister looked like. What had she been like? Was she happy? Had their parents taken better care of her?
“I can see you in both of them,” Ram said smiling softly, it was true, same hair and eyes, before Kade had been blinded they had been the same shade of blue. A perfect stormy blue.
“Really?” Kade knew his voice had cracked. He had always wanted a little sister, from the time he could remember he’d begged his mom for one, one he could love and protect.
Ram saw Kade’s eyes fill with tears, and wondered yet again how many more hits this man could take before he gave up. “Yes,” he said roughly. “Same nose bridge.” He lightly traced his finger over Kade’s. “Same cheek bones.” He followed the path. “Same eyes.” He brushed the pads of his thumbs gently over Kade’s eyelids. “Same hair.” He ruffled Kade’s. “They both look like you.”
The dam broke.
Ram gently pulled Kade into his arms as he cried. They were silent tears, the hurt being so deep Kade couldn’t rip it out and examine it. When he finally calmed Ram knew he was worn out. “Here take this, it’s melatonin, hopefully it’ll help you sleep peacefully.”
Kade’s laugh was choked. “I can’t remember the last time I slept peacefully, Ram.” He took the pill and downed it dry.
Ram helped him stretch out and get comfortable. “If your demons come tonight, I’ll fight them Kade, they won’t bother you while I’m here.”
Ram was brought back to the present when Kade walked back into the apartment with Valk. He smiled as Kade immediately sat down to take his shoes off, and wiggled his toes in the carpet. “Breakfast is ready.”
“Oh, what’d ya make?” Kade easily found his spot at the bar and waited.
“Bacon, egg and cheese burritos.” He laughed when Kade’s stomach growled in response. “I see you like that,” Ram chuckled. “Let’s eat so we can talk.”
Kade reared back like he’d been struck. “What? Why? What did I do?” Was this it? Had Ram finally had enough?”
The near panic in his voice sent Ram straight into Daddy mode. “Easy baby, you’ve done nothing wrong. I just wanted to talk about last night. I know you said you’d try and you did but I want to make sure we’re on the same page.”
Kade’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean?” He thought they had been pretty much on the same page already.
“Well we explored a little last night, how did it make you feel?” Ram was yet again thrown for a loop when Kade’s cheeks reddened. Oh my God, Kade was actually fucking blushing . Ram grinned, he wished he’d brought his phone into the kitchen because he wanted to take a picture. The man was so fucking cute like a little rabid raccoon. Sweet and gentle, but went full trash panda when he was pissed.
“Good,” Kade mumbled, wringing his hands.
Ram would definitely have to do more research, Kade swore he wasn’t a little and while Ram agreed most of the time it was times like this where he wondered. The man had an almost childlike air about him, but not a normal one. One that was waiting to be berated, one that didn’t want to speak up, one that wanted to become wallpaper and just fade into the background. Kade was looking down at his feet not wanting Ram to be able to read his expression. “I know you say you aren’t a little and while I agree I don’t think you would enjoy playing with toys, coloring or wearing diapers, you do have a littler side that comes out every so often. That’s why I want to make sure of things. You agreed to be mine while you were in your version of little mode, now I want to make sure Kade agrees with Little Britches.”
Kade cocked his head. “Little Britches?” He was secretly happy he got a nickname from the man.
“Well you wear them don’t you?” Ram asked, with a raised eyebrow even though he knew Kade couldn’t see him.
Kade snorted, then swallowed hard. “I’m not good at things like this.”
Ram sat next to him, bumping their knees together. “I know, and normally I wouldn’t push you but I need to know before we go any further. I don’t want to make a mistake that could end up hurting both of us.”
“I don’t know where the little part comes from…” He could guess but he wasn’t really good at talking about his feelings or what happened to him as a kid. He guessed that was another conversation he needed to have with Justice.
Ram nodded. “I know, you remind me a lot of Jack when you sink into it.”
Kade shrugged. “I was eight when my world collapsed.” It made sense if you really thought about it. He’d had to grow up that night and he’d never been able to look back.
“I’ve heard a few things from Saint but not enough to really make sense of it, he just said you came from an abusive household.” Hopefully one day Kade would trust him enough to tell him his story. He would love the man no matter what but he hoped to one day share the burden of knowing with his boy.
He scoffed. “That’s putting it lightly. We grew up in poverty, my father is full-blooded Cherokee and my mother is Blackfoot and Scandinavian. We lived in the Bronx in New York in this tiny little studio apartment. My mother never worked due to an accident when she was a child and my dad was injured on one of his job sites. He worked as a construction worker. After he got hurt, he and my mom got addicted to the pain pills. So we went from living okay and being taken care of to being near homeless and me and my older brother Carnage being punching bags. Carnage always tried to protect me. When I was eight my mother sold me and my brother to a man for drugs, we were taken to this run down warehouse where we were kept for days in this tiny little room. There were drugs and women everywhere but for the most part we were left alone, anytime they would come by to fuck with us Carnage would make me hide behind the plank of wood we pulled from the floor. Thankfully all they did was just threaten us all the time or use us to clean the drugs or the place, like we were their very own errand boys. Carnage helped me escape about six months later but he never made it out… he was supposed to meet me in twenty minutes from the time I got out but he never showed. He made me swear that if he didn’t show up that I would run and not look back. It killed me to leave him behind and I’ll always regret not going back to find him. I haven’t seen him since. I went to the police and in the end they just took me back to my parents. I tried to tell them what happened but only one of the cops believed me. When they raided the warehouse they didn’t find anything and Carnage was nowhere to be found, so they just assumed he ran away and wasn’t actually missing. My parents got good about only hitting me where I could hide the bruises. I forged my mom’s signature when I was sixteen and joined the military. I never looked back but had I known she’d had more kids I would have gone back to get them. I wouldn’t have left them there.”
“What happened to them?” Ram asked softly.
“I kept records from all the people that came to the house, and what they were there for. Once I was at my first duty station I sent it all to the police and by the end of the day I had the badge of the cop that sent me back there.”
“Damn, baby, I can’t express to you how much you amaze me, but it does explain why you revert to that age. When your defenses are down…”
“I’m that lost little kid that just wants to be loved and protected. I feel safe with you, I know even if I was a child I would feel safe with you,” Kade told him.
Ram smiled, there was no greater compliment in his eyes. “I promise to always try and do right by you, Kade. I may make mistakes, I’ve never dealt with someone like you before but that doesn’t mean you won’t have my full attention.”