Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
It hurt to say it.
He isn’t my real dad.
That was the terrible secret that Sorrel had been holding on to for all these years. The reason that she’d stayed away from home for so long. It had hurt her. She’d carried the hurt. And she also hadn’t known how to tell her sisters, until now.
It was a relief to have finally said it, but Sorrel also felt guilty: as if she’d tossed a lit match into a wastebasket full of paper, and now her sisters had to put out the fire.
‘That is… I can’t believe that. Is that really true? So, I mean…’ Primrose asked from the screen, then trailed off. ‘What does that mean?’
What does it mean? Sorrel thought for a minute. There was the fact, and there was the implication, and the two things were different.
The fact was what it was. The implication had roots and links everywhere.
What did it mean for her relationship with her sisters?
Her parents? Would she be welcome at family holidays?
On family group chats and calls like this one?
Would Heather still want her to be a bridesmaid?
Was she still welcome at the castle? It was everything. It was her whole identity.
‘Well, in terms of facts, it means that Mum got pregnant with her boyfriend before Dad. They broke up. She kept me, which I guess means she wanted me.’
There was a silence, both on the screen and in the caravan. Sorrel knew that they were all thinking the same thought: what would have happened if Catriona had chosen to end the pregnancy? She could have done.
Then, there would be five Balhennie sisters, and nobody would have known any differently. Sorrel didn’t even know how she felt about that. She’d never even considered that her life could have been in question. But, of course, it could. Any of theirs could.
‘Of course she wanted you,’ Primrose said, quietly. ‘She loves you. She loves all of us.’
‘I know that she does. Love is never the issue. Sometimes, people just… do that. It’s not that they don’t want the baby. Sometimes, they just can’t.’ Sorrel nodded. ‘I would never second-guess another woman. It’s not that.’
‘I know. It’s just all a strange thought, isn’t it?’ Blossom said. ‘Carry on with your story.’
‘Okay, well… Mum and Dad knew each other from when they were kids. They were friends, I guess, and she must have gone and cried on his shoulder. He’d always had a soft spot for her, I think.
Anyway, Dad stepped in and did the decent thing.
He agreed to marry her and pretend I was his.
’ Sorrel shrugged. ‘Then they had all of you. They decided they wouldn’t tell us because they didn’t want me to feel left out.
’ She snorted, a laugh that was more stress reflex than humour.
‘But then, they told you anyway,’ Bluebell said, her tone cold with shock.
‘Yep. That was a great time to find out that your entire life has been a lie.’ Sorrel’s voice was cold and hard now, but she couldn’t help it.
‘Mum tried to tell me that the reason they were talking about it was because my natural father had reappeared and was trying to get in contact with me. He’d left the island when he’d found out that Mum was pregnant with me and hadn’t come back, not until years later.
That was what she said, anyway. Goodness knows I can’t trust anything that comes out of her mouth now. ’
‘That’s harsh. She must have had her reasons.’ Bluebell tilted her head to one side. ‘Dad did do the decent thing. He stepped up. He looked after all of us.’
‘I know that. But it’s them not telling me that I couldn’t stand.
I was so angry. Because family was always such a big thing.
We were raised to value family so highly.
You know how Dad constantly talked about the family tree.
The Balhennies. The castle. The land. That bloody fairy flag.
The wars the Balhennies fought in. The old tapestries, the old books and muskets and silverware and the crest and the tartan and the this and the that… ’ She ran out of breath.
‘Right. And you didn’t feel like you were family any more? Heather asked gently. ‘But you are. You know you are. Nothing can change that.’
‘Oh, Heather. It’s not that simple, just to say, I’m part of the family.
I have a lot of really difficult feelings about all of this.
I was just so angry, you know? They both talked about family constantly.
How important it was. That we were a little clan, us girls.
We all had matching kilts and socks and tam-o’-shanters when we were kids, do you remember that?
Me and Primmy and you and Vi did, anyway.
Mum used to dress us up like her little dolls and walk us into school at the end of term before Christmas; she was so proud of her brood of girls.
She put such pressure on me to look after the others.
She’d say, You’re the oldest, you’re in charge when I’m not there.
And I was. I always was.’ Sorrel started to cry.
‘I did everything I was told. I was so… good.’ She sobbed.
Heather held her hand.
‘And you felt betrayed,’ she continued for her. ‘They told you one thing your whole life, and then suddenly the truth was very different.’
‘Yes.’ Sorrel wiped her eyes. ‘I just couldn’t believe they’d never told me. That there was…. this man, on the island, and he wanted to see me, and they weren’t going to tell me that either. My real dad. I was furious.’
‘That’s understandable.’ Heather had always been so compassionate. ‘But I don’t quite get why you left the island and just cut off everyone. Couldn’t you have stayed and worked it out?’
‘Maybe I could have, but at the time, I was so furious with both of them. Mum just refused to acknowledge how upset I was. She kept saying, I did my best, Sorrel, I gave you a home and a family and a father, what more could you ask for? She couldn’t see that it was the dishonesty that I couldn’t stand.
She hadn’t given me an option to get to know my real father.
She’d never told me the truth. I felt like she was still hiding something, even then.
And I just felt I couldn’t trust her after that.
So, I left. I was furious. I packed a bag, got on the bus to Portree and then a bus to the mainland.
They let me go.’ She looked up at the screen with tears in her eyes.
‘They didn’t come after me. They didn’t look for me. They just let me go.’
‘Oh, Sorrel.’ Heather shook her head. ‘I’m so sorry. We didn’t know.’
‘I know. And I didn’t want to leave you, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I could have come to stay with Uncle James, I suppose, but that felt wrong. I wasn’t a Balhennie any more. I didn’t know if I’d be welcome.’
‘You would have been,’ Primrose said.
‘Maybe. But I don’t think it would have been far enough for me to go. I needed to really leave, go somewhere that no one knew me. And I wanted to hurt Mum and Dad. Like they hurt me.’
‘So, you left.’ Bluebell’s voice was flat and empty. ‘You never replied to my emails. Not once.’
‘I wanted to. But I thought you’d tell them anything I wrote to you and I… I just didn’t want them to know what I was doing in my life. It was a sort of revenge, I suppose. But I was so hurt. I didn’t know how to be Sorrel Balhennie any more. So, I tried to be someone else.’
‘Great.’ Bluebell got up and walked away from the table. ‘Well, I wanted you to be you. I need a minute.’
She went into the corridor of the caravan and pulled the door to her bedroom closed after her. Sorrel got up to go after her sister, but Heather shook her head.
‘Leave her be for a minute. She needs to calm down.’
Sorrel sat.
‘Wow. This is a lot to take in,’ Violet said from the screen. ‘It’s… kind of like they lied to all of us.’
‘They did lie to all of us,’ Sorrel said, simply. ‘For whatever reason, they kept it from us. I’m not your full sister.’
‘You’ll always be my full sister,’ Heather said, in a low voice. ‘Don’t ever say that. I love you.’
‘I love you too.’ Sorrel sighed, grateful for Heather’s kindness.
‘But there’s a simple truth, which is that your dad isn’t my dad.
My dad is… some other guy they wanted to keep me away from.
’ She shrugged. ‘It’s not that I don’t love Dad.
I do. It’s not that I don’t think of him as my father.
He is, to all intents and purposes. He did all the fathering.
He did all the caring. He was always there.
It’s just that…’ she broke off, trying to think how to say it best. ‘He isn’t where I come from.
And the fact that there’s someone else, out there, who’s my family, and I don’t even know him…
it makes me feel disconnected. Adrift. And I hate the fact that Mum and Dad lied to me. Lied to us.’
‘I do too.’ Violet shook her head. ‘I just can’t believe it.’
‘I know. I’m sorry.’
‘What are we going to tell them? What are we going to say to them?’ Primrose asked, her voice hollow. ‘I don’t know how I feel about all of this. It’s horrible that they would lie to us for all these years.’
‘I know it is. I don’t know.’ Sorrel hung her head. ‘I feel guilty for telling you, if you can believe that. I kept their secret for a long time. They didn’t want me to tell you.’
‘Well, you have now.’ Violet looked furious. ‘I have to go.’ Her screen went blank.
Well, that was blunt. Sorrel felt the snub, thousands of miles away from whatever airport Violet was in.
‘I’ve got to go. Papers to mark.’ Primrose waved, but her expression was sad. ‘See you guys soon, I hope.’
‘I don’t really know what to say,’ Blossom said. ‘Can we catch up again soon, though, Sorrel? It’d be good to catch up properly.’
‘Of course. I’d love that.’ Sorrel wished she could walk through the screen and hug her sister. Blossom and Tom smiled, and their screen went blank too.
As tough as it had been, Sorrel felt relieved. Relieved that she’d finally let go of the thing she’d been hanging on to all these years. Now, perhaps she and her sisters could finally start to move forward.
‘Well, that was…’ Heather searched for a word in the quiet of the caravan. Sorrel knew that her sister would try to find a way to the silver lining – that was what she did. ‘That was… honest.’
‘It was a lot. I know. But I had to be honest, Heather. I had to.’ Sorrel ran a hand through her hair.
‘I know that. It’s okay. You were right to tell us.’ Heather gave her a hug.
‘Do you think I should go and talk to Bluebell?’ Sorrel looked at Bluebell’s closed door. She hated the fact that Bluebell was cross with her.
‘No. I think she needs some time alone. She’ll come around. Don’t worry.’ Heather patted her sister’s hand. ‘It’ll be okay. I promise. Remember, I have a sense about these things.’
‘All right.’ Sorrel got up. ‘I’m going out then. I need some air. I… I feel really tense being in here.’ She felt that if she didn’t get out of the caravan, she might scream. She needed some air. She needed to walk or run.
‘Okay… Do you want me to come with you?’ Heather looked concerned.
‘No. I mean… thank you, but I’d like to be alone for a bit.
Is that all right?’ Sorrel softened her tone; she was so grateful for Heather’s kindness.
And she thought Blossom would be okay about it – she would call her in the next few days and they could have a chat.
But Violet and Primrose seemed pretty upset, and then there was Bluebell.
Sorrel hoped that it would all come together; that this was just what it felt like when you ripped off the plaster. She hoped that there was light on the horizon.
She’d done the hard part. Now, maybe, things could start to change.