Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
‘Hey. What’s the hurry?’ Tam stood back, holding out his hands for Sorrel. ‘Whoa, there. You almost had me over.’
Sorrel almost fell over Tam Blackwood as she jumped down the steps from the caravan.
‘Sorry. I just… had to get some fresh air.’ Sorrel also didn’t want to be there when her parents got home. The meeting with her sisters had been enough for one day.
Now that it was all over, she could feel the delayed stress mounting up in her and found herself starting to hyperventilate.
She reached out for a nearby tree and leaned against it, bending over, trying to catch her breath and failing.
What had she just done? Would everyone knowing her secret make it worse?
Should she have just kept it to herself forever?
No. No. I did the right thing. I did.
‘What’s up?’ Tam frowned. ‘Can I help? Hey. Hey, now. Breathe.’ He took her arm and made her look into his eyes. ‘Remember. Breathe in. Breathe out. Come on. It’s okay. Feel the ground under your feet.’
His hand held her arm, and Sorrel could feel Tam’s reassuring energy warming her. She managed to take in a deep breath, let it out, and stand up.
‘It’s okay. Take your time. Focus on the ground under you. Imagine you’re pulling strength up from it. Into your tummy. Out again, with your breath.’ He guided her for a few minutes until she started to feel a little more grounded.
‘Agh. Thank you.’ Instinctively, Sorrel rested her forehead on Tam’s chest, and then almost immediately realised what she was doing and stood up straight.
‘What happened in there?’ He didn’t mention her intimate gesture, but she knew that he must remember it.
It had been something she would do often when they were together.
She’d lean against him, rest her head on his chest and listen to his heart when she got stressed.
Or he’d hold her in his arms and kiss her forehead.
There were a thousand other touches; a thousand other affectionate gestures that had passed between them.
But none of them were appropriate any more.
‘Family drama. I could do with getting away.’ She felt dizzy, standing up straight.
Outside the caravan, a scaffolding rig was in the process of being constructed by a crew of workmen. Sorrel glanced up at it.
‘Building work going well, then?’ she asked groggily, to change the subject.
‘Yeah. Thanks to your injection of cash.’ Tam put his hands in the pockets of his overalls.
Sorrel tried not to notice his broad shoulders.
Even the fact that his top pocket contained screwdrivers, pens and rulers made her look twice.
It wasn’t the moment to notice these things about Tam, or anyone.
Inwardly, she put it down to stress and confusion.
‘Okay. Come for a walk, then? I was just going out for a coffee run to Muriel’s.’ Tam gave her a hopeful smile. ‘You can help carry. Otherwise, it’s me balancing two tiers of flat whites and matcha lattes.’
‘Matcha lattes on Skye. I never thought I’d see the day.’ She gave him a half-smile, starting to feel better.
‘I know. Sophistication.’ His voice was so reassuring; Sorrel used to love cuddling up to him with her head on his chest at night, listening to his voice as he murmured softly to her.
‘Why don’t you take the car?’ She shaded her eyes from the afternoon sun with her hand.
‘It’s too nice. I could do with the walk. I’ve been pouring cement all morning.’
‘Fair enough. Let’s go. I could do with not being here for a while.’ She followed him out of the garden and onto the lane.
He glanced at her, concern in his eyes. ‘You feel better now?’
‘Yes. Thank you.’
‘Want to tell me what it was about?’
‘Um. A chat with all my sisters.’ She looked out at the moorland, dotted with sheep, that stretched away into the distance on the other side of the lane.
‘All six Balhennie girls, eh.’
‘Yeah. Sister stuff.’ Sorrel didn’t have the energy to have the same conversation over again.
‘Sorry. I’m just sort of wrung out, if I’m honest. It’s hard, having been away ten years, and then trying to rebuild relationships.
Heather’s great. She’s so compassionate – too compassionate for her own good, in a way.
You know how she is. But Violet’s tough, at least on the surface.
And I’ve really upset Bluebell. That hurts the most.’
‘I’m so sorry to hear that. She adores you,’ Tam said, as they walked along. It was just like old times; Sorrel and Tam had walked this lane together so many times before, talking about everything and nothing. Sorrel fought the urge to take his hand, just like she would have done before.
‘I know. I adore her. That’s why it hurts.’ Sorrel shrugged.
‘You’ll make it up. You both love each other too much not to.’
‘I know. But… you know, it’s been a long time. I don’t know how to reach her. I don’t know who she is now.’ Sorrel let out a long breath.
‘Well, how did you talk to her before? How did you reach her if she was feeling low? She was kind of a moody kid, remember. You used to sit with her and make up stories all the time. Draw together. Colour. You were so patient.’ Tam smiled.
‘Yeah. But she’s grown up now. I can hardly sit down with her and tell her a story or do some colouring.
’ Sorrel shot Tam a fond glance. She loved that he remembered all this stuff.
About her and her sisters. He knew Sorrel so well.
He knew all of the Balhennie girls, because he’d been around so much. Tam had always been like family.
‘No, although I hear those adult colouring books are all the rage now.’ Tam put his hands in his pockets as they turned onto the road at the bottom of the lane; Sorrel could see Muriel’s little coffee shop ahead on the left.
‘But you could write to her. If you can’t talk to her.
Write her a letter or an email or something. It might be a better way of saying it.’
‘Hm. That’s actually not a bad idea,’ Sorrel said, thoughtfully. ‘You know, she wrote to me – emailed – when I was gone. She told me everything that was going on, or at least, some of it. She never gave up on me.’ Sorrel’s voice hitched. ‘I feel so guilty that I didn’t reply.’
‘You had your reasons, I’m sure,’ Tam said, levelly. ‘But yes, I can imagine Blue doing that. She always loved you so fiercely. And it was because you always took the time with her. So, yes, she was loyal to you. She believed in you. But you always believed in her. I know you still do.’
‘God. Why is it that you could always get straight to the heart of any problem I had?’ Sorrel looked at him askance.
‘Seriously. How do you do it? It’s like you could see inside my mind and then make sense of it more than I could.
’ She half-laughed, but she was serious.
‘I mean, I suppose I kind of took it for granted before I left. But believe me, now I’ve been out there in the world for ten years… now, I know that isn’t the norm.’
‘Well, I’ve just known you for a really long time,’ Tam said, slowly. ‘I know how you tick, I guess.’
‘Did you see much of the family, after I left?’ The question struck her; Bluebell hadn’t mentioned Tam at all in her emails, but that didn’t mean that Tam hadn’t kept in touch.
‘No. I mean, here and there. But I was too upset, initially. Your mum tried being in touch, inviting me around, and of course, they wanted to know if I knew where you’d gone, where you might be.
But I didn’t have any idea. I was devastated.
I suppose I sort of… holed up. Stayed away.
I didn’t really talk to your sisters. More so in recent years, but it’s more if we saw each other in town or something, we’d have a polite chat. ’
‘Oh, Tam.’ Sorrel reached for his hand. ‘I’m so, so sorry for what I did. I know I’ve said that. But again. I’m sorry.’
‘It’s okay, Sorrel. I told you before, it’s water under the bridge. I met Beth. I moved on. So did you.’
‘I guess so.’ What if I shouldn’t have? she thought.
But she couldn’t think about that now.
Instead, as they got to Muriel’s, and as Tam started to give his order, Sorrel got out her phone, opened the email app and started to write to Bluebell.
Dear Blue,
You wrote to me for all those years. Maybe writing is a good way for me to reconnect with you.
I’ve told you how sorry I am for being away, and for not replying to your emails. I know that it hurt you.
I think that you’re still wondering why I was away so long, even though you know the reason that I left.
I think you feel hurt that I didn’t trust you enough to tell you – you, of all of us.
Because I know how close we were. I just couldn’t reply.
It’s hard to explain why. But as much as I missed you all – and I did miss you and Primmy and Heather, and Mum and Dad, and even Vi – I missed you so much that it felt like I cut my own heart out – I knew that if I ever replied to one of your lovely, lovely emails, then you and I would have to talk.
Or I’d feel under pressure to come back.
And then I’d have to tell everyone what was wrong. Why I left.
And I just couldn’t.
It took me so long to come to terms with not being Dad’s real daughter.
It was like a wound I lived with for years, and then, slowly, over time, it got a little better.
I could go a few days without thinking about it.
I concentrated on my work, and it was successful.
I had a life with Simon. But most days, I felt like rolling up into a ball and crying.
I did do that, a lot of the time. Simon thought I had mental health difficulties.
I didn’t – well, not in the sense of being clinically depressed. I was grieving a loss.
But I didn’t tell him. I guess I didn’t trust him. I trained myself not to trust anyone. I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to do that any more.
I trust you, Blue, and I trust all of our sisters. That’s why I told you my secret.
I know that it will take you some time to trust me again, and I understand. But I wanted to let you know that I’m here, that I love you, and that I never forgot you. I never could.
Sorrel xx
When she looked up from typing, Tam was organising eight coffees into two cardboard holders.
‘Okay?’ he asked.
‘Yeah. I was just emailing Bluebell. Per your advice.’
‘Oh. Glad to hear it.’ He grinned. ‘I would never be so arrogant to say that I was always right, but I am rarely wrong.’
‘Haha. I’ll refrain from judgement.’ Sorrel took one of the holders, and they started walking back along the road.
‘Listen, Sorrel… I was wondering,’ Tam said as they walked along companionably. There was a smell of jasmine in the summer afternoon; gulls called to each other in the distance. ‘Umm…’ He sounded suddenly nervous.
‘What?’ she asked, gently.
‘Oh, it’s nothing… just… I was wondering… It’s nice, isn’t it, chatting and hanging out?’ He glanced at her shyly.
‘Yes. It is,’ she replied.
‘Hm. Well. I was wondering… would you go out with me? For a drink, or something?’ He stumbled over his words. ‘For old times’ sake, maybe. I just…’ he trailed off again.
‘Tam. I don’t know if that’s a great idea,’ Sorrel said, gently. ‘It is really lovely to see you again. But I’ve just ended a relationship. I’m a bit… fraught at the moment. That and…’
‘Sister stuff. I know. I meant as friends. Me and you. Coffee, then.’
‘Not a date?’ She smiled at his discomfiture.
‘No. Definitely not.’ He met her eyes and smiled that same warm smile that she had fallen in love with, all those years ago.
‘Well, I do like coffee.’ She smiled back. ‘Maybe I’ll just see you at Muriel’s one of these days. I’ll let you buy me one.’
‘I just bought you one.’ He nodded at the tray she was carrying.
‘Another one, then,’ she chuckled.
‘Okay.’ He looked shy, as if he was sixteen again, and about to ask her if she’d like to come with him to see the shooting stars outside. And despite herself, Sorrel’s heart melted.