Chapter 30
THIRTY
They drove past a long lawn and a maze. The sun shone down on them; clouds drifted lazily, mirrored in the loch. Balhennie Castle rose above them, vast and strong, its turrets sharp against the sky.
It was a perfect day. But Sorrel knew without a doubt that Simon Matthews wasn’t the perfect man for her.
She’d known it for a long time. Known it every time he belittled her, every time he was angry, or ignored her, or made her feel like she somehow was too much.
She wasn’t too much. She was Sorrel Balhennie, and she might not have known who her real father was, but she still knew that wasn’t enough for her.
Being home had made her realise that. The land under her feet had made her realise that. The clean air. The time to think.
The love of her sisters had made her remember who she was.
The way that she saw herself through Bluebell’s eyes had made her realise that she wasn’t the girl who put up with someone being mean to her.
She was the girl who made up stories and acted them out.
She was the girl who played in the cold burn in the summer, and dug up potatoes in the Inn’s gardens in the autumn.
She was the one who had always looked after her sisters.
She was strong, practical, resilient. Why wasn’t she looking after herself?
‘No, Simon. It’s not right between us. I can’t be who you want me to be.
’ She pulled her hand away. ‘And the castle, and all of this…’ she gestured to the gardens, ‘this shouldn’t make a difference.
Yes. I’ve been away a long time. But I’m me.
And you should have loved me and wanted me for who I was without needing all of this to make a new start.
I was so sad in our relationship, Simon.
I was so lonely. You wanted me to be… I don’t know.
Some kind of fluffy little bunny girl. I’m not that. We aren’t right for each other.’
The car reached the end of the drive. Simon stopped, put the handbrake on and turned to her.
‘Sorrel. Please.’
‘I want to get out, Simon.’ She tried the door, but it wouldn’t open. ‘Let me out.’
‘In a minute.’ He leaned in towards her, as if he was going to kiss her. ‘I know you want to come back. I’ll make it easy for you. You’re proud. So, I’ll be the one to kiss you. I came all this way for you, after all.’
Sorrel recoiled.
‘Simon! Let me out, now!’ She raised her voice, but Simon had reached for her and had pressed his mouth on hers.
She looked up to see Tam Blackwood standing outside the entrance to the castle, staring straight at them.
Oh, no.
He must have just got off the bus. She remembered that it stopped here.
She knew that, if Tam had looked into the car, it would have looked as though Simon had kissed her.
Before she could call out or think about how to react, Tam turned and walked away, briskly.
Panicking, Sorrel turned as far away as she could in her seat. She pulled at the handle of the door.
‘Simon! Get off me!’ she yelled. Simon drew back in surprise.
‘There’s no need to be so bitchy. I was just trying to kiss you.’
‘Let me out. Now!’ she screamed.
She wanted to go to Tam. Wanted to explain to him what was happening.
That Simon wasn’t the one she wanted to be with.
‘But… I don’t understand,’ Simon whined. ‘Can’t you just… can’t we just go back to how it was?’
‘No, Simon. Okay? No. I tried to be nice about it. But I can’t. I just can’t,’ she said, the fury rising in her. ‘You can’t think we were good together. You can’t have been happy.’
‘We were happy,’ he insisted, stubbornly.
‘No, we weren’t!’ Sorrel lost her temper. ‘We implies more than one person. We implies a team. We is a marriage. You and I were none of those things.’
‘But Sorrel…’ Simon tried to reach for her again and she hit his hand away.
‘Do not touch me. Let me out of this car right now.’ She fixed him with a steely gaze. ‘It’s the middle of the day. You are parked on Balhennie property. The gatehouse saw your registration number as you drove in. If you don’t let me out right now, believe me, you will be in big trouble.’
She was fibbing; she had no idea if anyone was in the gatehouse at the entrance to the estate, and, from memory, it usually only contained gardeners’ tools. But Simon didn’t know that.
‘Fine, fine. No need to be dramatic,’ he muttered, and unlocked the doors.
Sorrel jumped out of the car and slammed the door shut behind her.
Tam was already far away from the entrance, and she watched as he disappeared out of sight, heading towards the car park.
Sorrel ran towards the entrance to the car park, hoping to catch Tam up. She was so desperate to reach him, to talk to him; she was terrified that he’d misinterpret what he’d just seen, when in fact, Simon had been harassing her, and she felt rattled by the whole experience.
But as she reached it and looked around, breathless, Tam was nowhere to be seen.