Chapter 21 Gabe
GABE
MAY PRESENT DAY
I’m going to be responsible for the death of my best friend.
I brought him into this world, and it’s going to kill him.
Her voice was a shock after that conversation we had this afternoon. Things got a little too real, and all I could think was make it stop. So, I acted like an asshole. I’m good at that these days.
Now, her sobs over the line are about enough to make my heart stop beating in my chest. I know how much he means to her, and I’m not sure she can handle losing him.
Until they went to live with their Gran, Shane was the one who watched out for her.
He was more like a parent than a brother for a long time.
Jumping out of the truck, I race to the front door. It’s unlocked, so I barge in.
“Is he breathing?” I ask, tearing through the house to where Ash sits, looking every bit the broken girl I saw leaving town six years ago. She’s beside the couch, holding Shane’s hand.
“Yeah. I think so.” She sits back onto her butt.
I kneel and tap his face. “Hey. Wake up, fucker. We’ve gotta go.”
He groans, rolling his head to the side. At least he’s still alive. I’ve seen him every which way but sober over the years, but I’ve never seen him this bad.
“Alright. I need you to help me out here,” I groan, hoisting him to his feet. He doesn’t really help, but he is at least trying.
His eyes open a bit and his brows pinch. “Gabe?”
“Yeah. I’m here. What the fuck are you doing to yourself, man?” I grunt, trying to keep us both standing. “I need you to help me get your big ass to the truck, okay?”
He nods, trying to shuffle to the door.
It’s not pretty, but we get there. Ash grabs her shit and runs out behind us.
“I’ll sit in the back with him,” she yells.
After shoving him into the back seat, I wait until she slides in before shutting the door and racing around the truck.
“If you puke in this truck, you’re cleaning it up the second you’re discharged,” I snap back at Shane as I climb in the driver’s seat, but he’s already out again.
On the way to the hospital, I call JT. He’s going to pick up Nik and meet us there. The whole drive, Ash sits in the back running her hands through his hair and whispering as tears stream down her face.
I hate it when she cries. It feels like a shirt that just doesn’t fit quite right.
Within seconds of arriving at the ER, we’re surrounded by doctors and nurses who rush him inside. Ash stands next to the truck, tears spilling down her face.
So, out of something that feels an awful lot like habit, I pull her to me.
“He’ll be okay.” Her floral shampoo fills my nose, and I resist the urge to press my lips to the top of her head.
Her shoulders shake as she wraps her arms around me. It’s familiar, and something stirs in my chest that I know is going to hurt later, but right now all I can think about is her.
Eventually, she pulls away with blotchy cheeks and bloodshot eyes.
“I need to be with him,” she says.
She’s wearing nothing but tiny pajama shorts and a matching tank top. I reach back into the truck, grabbing my gray hoodie before pulling it over her. Because she’s so short, it covers more than the shorts did.
“Thank you,” she mutters, not making eye contact with me.
“I’ll wait for Nik. We’ll be in when she gets here.”
She nods, disappearing inside.
When JT and Nik show up, Nik flings open the door and shoots out of the passenger seat. “Is he okay?”
“I don’t know. They took him inside.”
She doesn’t stop to listen.
JT smacks my back, pulling me into a hug. I wouldn’t say I’m an emotional guy. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve really lost my shit, but this is testing my ability to hold it together.
“He’ll be fine,” JT says.
We’ve been inseparable since birth, except for the few years he did in jail. He’s had my back more times than I can count, and now is no exception.
I nod, and we head into the building to find out if we lose a brother tonight.
Pacing as half the club fills the waiting room, I’m surprised I haven’t worn down the white flooring.
The clock ticks—ten minutes, twenty, an hour. Still no news.
Ash sits by the window with her legs curled under her. She’s been staring out at the night since I came inside. It’s hard to watch.
Against my better judgement, I walk over and place a hand on her shoulder, sitting in the chair beside her.
Her eyes are puffy and glistening. I don’t know what I’m doing exactly, but I can’t sit across the room and do nothing.
Not when she’s like this. Her face scrunches as tears roll down her cheeks.
She collapses to my chest, her shoulders shaking, and I wrap my arms around her.
This is probably a bad idea. She’s supposed to hate me.
That’s how this works, but she needs someone.
And as much as I hate to admit this, I think that someone is me.
“How are you feeling?” I ask.
“Like I’ve had my heart ripped out and then shoved back in upside down.”
I snort a laugh. “I’m so sorry.”
When she pulls back again and speaks, her voice is softer. “Thank you for answering.”
The way she’s looking at me makes me feel raw and exposed. Like she can see straight through the mask I’ve been hiding behind.
“Always.” I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry I ever made you feel like I wouldn’t be there if you needed me.”
She swallows, blinking as she collects herself. “I appreciate this, but it changes nothing.”
“I know.” I nod. “It’s fine.”
With a finger under her chin, I tilt her head. “Let me be what you need tonight, and tomorrow you can go back to hating me.”
And that’s a bad move. I know. She’s not mine.
But I can’t sit back and watch her go through this alone.
A nurse appears from around the corner, glancing around the packed room. “Are you the family of Mr. Michaels?”
Ash lifts her head. “Is he okay?”
“Yes, we’re just waiting for a room, then he’ll be moved. He’s very lucky. If he hadn’t been brought in when he was, he probably wouldn’t be here.”
A cracked sob leaves her throat, and she covers her mouth with a hand, muffling her words when she says, “Can I see him?”
The nurse nods. “We had to give him something. He was very agitated when he came to. He’s tired, but he’s awake. I’ll take you back.” She smiles as Ash jumps up, scurrying after her.
No one says a word for long minutes as we wait for Ash to come back.
“I’m his fucking father!” someone shouts from the front desk. I grind my molars. I know that voice.
JT throws his arm out. “I got it. Stay here.”
A few of the other guys follow him out of the waiting room.
When he comes back and plops down beside me, there’s a deep crease between his brows. “He left. I sent one of the guys to trail him.”
I run a hand down my face and groan. “What the fuck did he want?”
“To see Shane, I guess. They told him Shane didn’t want to see him.”
“No shit. What made him think he would to begin with?”
JT shakes his head.
“This fucking night.”
“I know what you mean.” He snorts, going silent for a moment before adding, “I get why you’re doing all this, but you should take a step back. I can take Ash home later.”
He’s probably right, but not a fucking chance.
“It’s fine. It’s not like that.”
He nods, but I can tell by the look on his face he’s not buying it.
I’m still stewing over Adam when Ash finally comes back. He’s the reason my best friend can’t check his demons, and he’s the reason the love of my life can’t trust anyone. Well—one of the reasons.
Fuck.
I knew it the moment she leaned into me.
What was locked up tight is slowly slipping through the cracks, and I’ve spent the whole night trying to keep it at bay, knowing it will crush me if I don’t.
She’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted, and the only thing I can’t have.
The one thing that’s been just out of reach, and her in my arms feels like dangling a fucking carrot in my face.
The years of convincing myself I don’t still want her are useless because yes, the fuck I do.
I can feel the mudslide happening, but it would seem I’m completely useless in stopping it.
Sometimes it feels like there’s two different people trapped in my head.
The one who can’t imagine living a life that she isn’t in, and the one who knows that’s not an option.
These days, they don’t seem to be coexisting very well.
The nurse leads Nik and I to his room next.
“I need a minute with him if that’s okay,” Nik says, grabbing my hand.
I nod, and she slips into his room.
Leaning against the wall outside, the night soaks in. I’m sure the last person Ash wanted to call was me, but I couldn’t let her go through this alone, so I swooped in like I always have, and I’ll be damned if she didn’t fucking let me.
I’ve never stopped loving her, and I definitely never stopped wanting her. I just stopped letting myself have her. Right now, it’s hard to remember why that is. I’ve always been sure I made the right choice, but watching her break tonight and lean into me… I don’t know.
This was the least I could do for Ash. I might not be able to love her like she deserves, but I’ll never pass up an opportunity to ease her pain. Deep down, I’m still me despite everything. And she’s still Ash. That means more to me than I wish it did.
Nik peeks out and taps my shoulder. I follow her back into the room. My best friend lies in the bed, a monitor beeping above him and an IV running in his right arm. He still looks like shit but not quite as bad as earlier.
“What the fuck, man.” I squeeze his arm.
“Can I have a minute, baby?” he asks Nik.
She nods before shuffling out of the room.
“Listen, I’m so sorry.”
“I know. It’s all good. I’m just glad you’re okay.” I release him and sit in the chair by his bed.
“Nik told me Ash called you. Thank you for showing up like that. I—” He chokes on a sob. “I forgot she was there. The last thing I wanted was for her to see me… to have to—”
“I know. I would do anything for her.” I pause before adding, “And you.”
He sighs, wiping away tears. “I gotta get some help.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“The doctor said they can set me up with a rehab. I can go straight there when I’m discharged.”
“That’s great, man.”
“Yeah.” He takes a deep breath. “Except it’s a shit ton of money I don’t have.”
I scoff. He would have it if he didn’t snort it all. But then I guess he wouldn’t need rehab then, would he?
The club brings in a small fortune, so I don’t hesitate to say, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll cover it.”
“Gabe, I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You’re not. Honestly, at this point, I’m not even offering. I’m demanding. You have to go.”
He drops his chin to his chest. “Yeah. Alright.”
I stand. “Look, your sister’s knocked out in the waiting room. I’m gonna get her home. I’ll come back tomorrow.”
When I return to the waiting room, Ash is sitting in the same chair, watching cars pass on the street out front like she’s been doing most of the night.
“I’ll take you home. You ready?” I ask.
She nods, and I grab her hand, leading her to the parking lot. I open the passenger door and watch as she climbs in.
It all seems so familiar—like in a different universe, we do this all the time. Maybe there weren’t so many obstacles, and those kids figured it out.
We drive in silence. I’m not sure she’s paying attention because she’s been staring blankly out the window, but she perks up when I make a right in the opposite direction of Gran’s house.
“Where are we going?” she asks.
“Dee’s. You have to be starving.”
Nothing else would be open this late anyway, but for what it’s worth, Dee’s was always her favorite. There’s little that fries and a strawberry shake can’t fix for Ash. The hint of a smile graces her lips.
I park in an empty spot and jump out.
When I come back with a bag and two cups in my arms, she turns in the seat to face me.
I hold out a shake. “You okay?”
“Uh-huh,” she says, her gray eyes looking through me instead of at me.
I wish there were more I could do than buy her a goddamn milkshake.
She sips on the shake and picks at the fries on the way home but doesn’t say another word even as we pull up at Gran’s.
Halfway up the porch, Ash freezes, eyes fixed on the front door. I take her keys from her and unlock the door.
She emotionlessly stares into the living room but doesn’t budge from the porch. “I thought I was gonna watch my brother die in this house tonight.”
Those words slice a hole straight through my gut, but I swallow it down. “I know, but he didn’t. Thanks to you.”
She finally walks into the house, leaving me to stand in the doorway unsure what to do. I don’t want to leave her here like this, but she’s not mine, and staying with her feels like crossing the thin line we’ve been walking all night.
Like stepping into a role that isn’t mine and hasn’t been in a long time.
Except maybe this is my purpose in her life. To be here when she needs me and then fade into the background when it’s over.
I step back out to the porch to leave when she whispers, “We can still go back to hating each other tomorrow, but please don’t leave tonight.”
I could never hate you.
My feet turn around, my hands shutting the door behind me of their own accord. If she wants me here, that’s exactly where I’ll be.
She starts to sit on the couch when her eyes catch on the vomit still splattered on the floor.
“I got it.” Getting a towel from the kitchen, I quickly clean up the mess.
When I finish and wash my hands, I find her curled up in a blanket on the far end of the couch like she can’t bring herself to sit where he was at. She pats the cushion, so I drop next to her, and she lies on my chest like it’s where she belongs, and I can’t stop myself from thinking maybe it is.
Or maybe I’m just a masochist, who desperately wants it to be because I know this is going to hurt, and yet, here I am anyway.