Chapter 31
ASH
Beep. Beep. Beep.
My eyes are heavy when I try to open them.
“Ashton,” a soft voice says from beside me. For a moment, I think she’s my old piano teacher. I must have zoned out during a lesson again. Damn it. She’s going to make me practice the hard one again for not paying attention.
“My name’s Brooke.”
Brooke? My piano teacher’s name’s Sherry.
“I’m your nurse.”
Nurse?
“You just had surgery. It went great. You’re gonna be just fine, okay?”
Is this real? A dream? She’s so far away. Or maybe her voice is in my head. I can’t tell.
“Can you open your eyes?”
I try. They’re so heavy. The bright lights sting. I squint but eventually get them open.
“Great. Are you in pain?”
I shake my head. It feels fuzzy, and I’m so tired. She says something else, I think, but she’s getting farther away.
When I open them again, I’m in a different room.
Someone shifts beside me, grabbing my hand.
“Shhh. It’s okay. You’re okay,” Gran soothes.
The stiff pillow crinkles under my head as I turn to glance at her. She gives me a warm smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.
I open my mouth but can’t speak.
“Here,” she says, grabbing a white cup from the bedside table. She holds up a spoon with one nugget of ice.
Immediate relief washes over me the moment it hits my tongue.
“Better?” Gran asks.
I nod.
“Are you in pain?”
I hadn’t noticed at first, but now that she’s asked, the dull ache in my thigh starts to pulse.
My voice is gravelly, and my throat feels like I’ve swallowed a razor blade when I say, “My leg.”
“I’ll get the nurse.” She stands, quickly exiting the room.
A minute later, she comes back with a nurse.
“Hello, Ashton. How are you feeling?”
“Tired.”
“That will wear off with time. Are you nauseous at all?”
I shake my head.
She gives me a medication in my IV before leaving. My thoughts feel like sludge. Like I have questions, but I’m trudging through mud to get to them.
My mother suddenly appears in the doorway, holding a coffee in each hand.
“Oh, honey, how are you feeling?” Her voice is sweeter than I’ve ever heard.
“Um…”
“She just woke up.” Gran shoots my mother a look.
Mom hands a coffee to Gran before sitting in the chair on the other side of my bed.
“Thank God, you’re okay. We were scared half to death.”
“Brenda!” Gran bites. “I just told you; she just woke up.”
My eyes flick between the two. I don’t know what’s happening. They never get along, but they’re tenser than normal.
“What—”
Gran clears her throat, sliding to the edge of her seat. “Do you remember anything?”
It’s fuzzy. I was in Gabriel’s apartment, waiting for him.
I was afraid.
Not of him—
No, it was something else. I ran down the stairs.
And then…
And then, he grabbed me—
It floods back all at once—gunshots, the garage… Gabriel. Tears fill my eyes, and my chest squeezes.
“What happened?”
Gran runs her hand through my hair. “You were shot, honey. They had to remove the bullet. You lost a lot of blood, but you’re okay. You’re going to be okay.”
I scan the room. How long was I out?
“Where’s Shane? Gabriel?”
Gran’s gaze flicks to my mother, then back to me.
“You’re brother’s fine. He came by after he was bailed out.”
“Of jail?”
My mother rolls her eyes. “He almost got you killed, Ashton.”
“No.” I whip my head in her direction, shocked by the bite in her tone. “No, he’s the reason I’m alive.”
She scoffs. “You wouldn’t have even been at that place if it weren’t for him and that piece-of-shit kid he hangs out with.”
“Gabriel? Mom, he’s not a piece of shit! He’s my boyfriend.”
She laughs. “No. You’re done with them. When you get out of here, I’m taking you home.”
“The hell I am.” I try to sit up, but my muscles feel like Jell-O.
Gran places a hand on my shoulder. “Okay, enough. She’s been through enough, Brenda.”
Mom crosses her arms over her chest and leans back in the chair. “I’m not losing another child to this godforsaken town.”
I sleep most of the day, slowly coming out of the fog a little more each time I wake. The next morning, my thoughts are clearer.
Where is everyone? I know my brother can be unreliable, but I can’t believe he hasn’t come back. And Gabriel? Where the hell is he?
Gran said Nik was here yesterday, but I was asleep. She’s texted a dozen times to tell me I better be okay.
“Have you talked to Shane?” I ask.
Gran nods. “He called this morning.”
“Is he coming to visit?”
She sighs. “No. I don’t think so.”
My shoulders slump.
“It’s not you, honey.”
I know what that means. It’s because of my mom, but I’d rather have my brother with me than her. I wish she’d just go away. She doesn’t even know me, but she thinks she knows what’s right for me.
“Ashton, your mother means well. She’s just scared. We didn’t know if you’d make it through surgery. She thought she was going to lose you. Give her some time to process.”
Three days I sit in the hospital stewing and waiting for one of the guys to show up. No one does. On day four I wake to a text Gabriel sent in the middle of the night.
This isn’t working, sorry.
Nik called shortly after I got home from the hospital to tell me they’re doing Akers’s memorial today.
I immediately got ready. I’m sore and tired, but I don’t care. I need to be there.
Dressed in all black, I limp from my room.
I’m not going to lie, this sucks. They gave me pain medicine, but it still hurts.
I can walk, but it’s not pretty or quick.
They said I may get lucky and make a full recovery, but we won’t know if I have any residual nerve damage until it’s completely healed.
“Where are you going?” my mother asks. “And where are your crutches?”
“To the memorial.” I grab the stupid things from where I’d leaned them against the couch earlier and prop them under my arms. They’re a pain in the ass.
“Absolutely not! You aren’t going anywhere near that place.”
Ignoring her, I keep moving toward the front door.
“Ashton!”
“He was my friend! I know you think everyone here is trouble, but Akers was good to me! He was nice and funny, and I cared about him. He cared about me! Now, he’s gone, and I’m going!”
Gran grabs her keys from the counter. “I’ll take her with me.”
“No—”
Gran throws up a hand. “Brenda, let the girl grieve for one day. Tomorrow, you can take her home and never come back. But give her this.”
She frowns but doesn’t object.
Gran and I head to the car without a word.
I hate this. A week ago, I felt like I’d finally found the place I belong. I had friends—Gabriel. I finally had my brother back even if he is a mess. Now, Akers is gone, and I guess Gabriel is too. I’m alone.
Halfway to the church, I mutter, “Thank you for bringing me.”
She exhales, not taking her eyes from the room. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, but I’m not gonna be the reason you don’t get to say goodbye.”
“Do you think Gabriel will be there?” I ask, knowing that’s the reason she’s saying it’s not a good idea but not caring.
“I would assume.”
I nod, not saying anything else the rest of the drive. He owes me an explanation. You can’t just break up with someone like that, then never speak to them again. Especially after everything that happened.
Gran waves at people as we pass them on the way into the building.
Thunder rolls through the overcast sky. We sit in a pew near the back.
It’s packed. Kids our age, probably people he went to school with, and men in leather cuts filter in with tears in their eyes.
The air’s heavy. A picture of him sits near the front.
My chest feels like there’s a cinderblock resting on it.
Why am I the one still sitting here and not him?
JT turns around from the second row. His eyes meet mine, and he lifts a hand with a sad smile. I return the gesture. Colette sits in the front, her arm wrapped around Akers’s mother, rubbing circles on her back.
Just as the service starts, Gabriel sneaks in.
His eyes flick in my direction as he makes his way up to where JT is and slides in beside him not giving me a second glance.
Jon turns back to Gabriel from the front row.
For the first time, I see him shift to nothing more than a father.
His eyes silently saying, Are you okay? I’m here.
He reaches over the back of the pew and squeezes his son’s shoulder.
Akers’s brother speaks. His mother wails. Everyone mourns a life taken too soon and a light ripped from our hearts.
There’s a lot of talk of God and Heaven.
That feels strange. How could this be what God wants?
How can all of these broken hearts, cracking like glass, be the work of God?
Akers wasn’t even part of the club yet. He was barely a prospect, and only because it’s the world he was raised in.
What would he have been if his dad wasn’t part of this club?
When it’s over, everyone stands. Gabriel hugs Akers’s family before making a beeline for the door.
“I’ll be right back,” I whisper.
“Ashton—” Gran tries to stop me, but I’m already out of the pew and hobbling after him without my crutches. It hurts, but I push through.
I need to talk to him.
When the doors swing open, he’s already down the stairs. He doesn’t even look back. It’s started to rain. Of course it has because even Mother Nature knows the loss we’ve suffered.
“Gabriel!” I shout, struggling down the steps.
He keeps charging forward as if the rain’s drowned out my voice. A knife twists in my stomach as my mind catches on a memory of my screams being drowned out by the downpour of gunshots.
“Gabriel! Please, stop!”
Finally, he freezes as I step onto flat ground.
He glances over his shoulder, exhaling.
What do I say? I don’t even know what the hell is happening between us.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
He spins. “Leaving.”
“No, not right this minute. With me.”
His eyes flick away for a moment. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. We broke up.”