Chapter 33
ASH
AUGUST PRESENT DAY
All I have left at Gran’s is to meet the realtor to take pictures. Once I’m done, I can put this whole place behind me. So, I’m sitting at the table, looking through a photo album and soaking in the last moments of my time here.
I’m halfway through a bottle of wine, when someone knocks on the door.
“One second,” I shout, wiping my hands on my overalls and jogging to the door.
When I open it, Gabriel stands on the porch with his hands in his pockets.
The hard expression I’ve come to expect over the last few weeks is entirely gone.
The tight line of his mouth has softened and the crease that lives between his brows has smoothed.
There’s a boyishness there that reminds me of the kid that stood on Gran’s porch all those summers ago.
I haven’t seen him since Shane’s party a week ago, and I’ve shed a fair number of tears over the whole damn thing.
“Gabriel—” My brows pinch. “What are you doing here?”
He sucks in a deep breath like he’s preparing to dive underwater.
“I… uh—fuck. I don’t know where to even start really.
I replayed this in my head the whole way over here, but now…
” He shifts his weight, pausing to collect his thoughts.
“Listen, I know I should keep my distance and let you go back to your life. But…”
I’ve never seen him like this. If it’s fear or sorrow, I can’t tell, but his breaths are ragged, and his eyes glisten.
“I can’t watch you leave again without saying this. So, here it goes.”
Leaning a hip on the doorframe, I watch him square his shoulders and lift his chin.
“I know what I said before you left—” He swallows. “And you have every right to hate me. I hate myself for that night.”
The air grows thick. My chest heavy, every inhale feeling like an impossible task.
“I was afraid. What happened… it scared the shit out of me. You almost died because of me and I—” His words catch in his throat. He swallows them down before continuing. “I couldn’t be the reason something happened to you again. I couldn’t stop seeing you at the shop… You were… I thought you…”
He presses his fingers into his eyes. “I sat in that cell, not knowing what happened, and I wanted to die. I’ve never felt that way, but I didn’t want to live to see the day that you weren’t there.”
My chin quivers. I’ve spent six years waiting for this. Dreaming of these words. Am I dreaming now? Our past swirls around us, creating a cyclone of my pain, his fatal words, our destruction. His voice is the only thing keeping my feet on the ground.
“It ate me alive. And when you were okay, the only thing I could think was how can I keep you safe. The only answer I could come up with was to get you out of here.”
He clears his throat and sniffs. “And I’ve missed you like hell, and it’s fucking hurt like a bitch, but if it kept you from ever living through that again…
I don’t regret it. Not a bit. I’d live the rest of my life with my heart ripped from my chest to keep you out of this shit.
But I hate that you’ve spent all these years believing I didn’t fucking love you.
” He takes a step toward me, his eyes burning right through me.
“That I don’t, still love you.” Another step.
“Ash, I’ve never loved anyone or anything the way I love you. ”
I tip my head up. He’s so close I can smell his cologne, and as he presses my hand to his chest, his heart thumps wildly under his palm.
“We can’t undo it, and I can’t take back the shitty things I said to you, but I need you to know it was real.” His voice shakes when he continues, “It was as real to me as it was to you.”
He searches my eyes, and my mouth goes dry.
My mind screams for me to turn him away.
Tell him it’s too late, that I never loved him.
To hurt him like he hurt me. But my heart can’t.
It craves his words. All I ever wanted was to know it was real.
I needed to know that he’s walked around with a gaping hole in his chest for the last six goddamn years too.
“I’ve spent every day trying not to think about you. Every day convincing myself not to jump on my bike and ride straight to you. I fell in love with you when I was barely a man, and I’ve loved you every goddamn day since.”
I swallow as a tear breaks free from my lashes. “You’re a liar.”
“I was. I lied through my damn teeth that day.” His hand slips into the back of my hair to cradle my head. “But I’m done lying. I’m done pretending.”
I sniff, trying not to completely fall apart. His tongue swipes over his bottom lip as we stare at each other. I’m surprised he can’t hear my heart screaming in my chest. It’s always belonged to him. The backstabbing bitch.
More than anything I want to jump into his arms. I want to pretend that we could just start over, erase that horrible ending and move on.
But he’s right. We can’t take any of it back.
I’d do anything to go back and change how things played out, but we can’t.
And there’s no way to make this work now. I have Maggie. And he has his club.
A cracked sob breaks from my chest. “You sent me a fucking text.”
He pulls me to him, pinning my head to his body with a palm on my head. “I know. I’m sorry. I wish I could take that back. I just didn’t think I could do it if I saw you. I’d have backed out.”
“I didn’t want to leave.”
“I didn’t want you to leave either. But you had to.”
I nod because he’s right. If I’d stayed, who knows what would have happened. His final act of love was sending me away, and he sacrificed what he wanted to make sure I was okay. That reality soaks into my bones.
“I wish there had been another choice.”
I nod. “Me too.”
He pulls back and rests his forehead on mine. “I hope you’re so fucking happy, Ash.”
“You too.” I sob harder, resting my hands on his face.
When we finally part, he watches me as he steps off the porch and flashes me a sad smile.
Then, like flipping a switch, he turns back into the president of the Ravens Ridge Riders, squaring his shoulders, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
“It was good to see you, Ash.”
Then he turns and strolls back to his bike.
Finishing the house is a bittersweet feeling. As much as I can’t wait to get home, I have so many memories here. Maybe there’s a part of me that will always long for a little of the magic that used to live within these walls, but it’s time to move on.
After meeting with the realtor, I make my way through the house with what little I’m taking with me in hand.
This is it. Taking one final look back at the only place I’ve ever felt at home, I soak it in—the mornings with Gran, all the days watching movies and fishing on the dock with Shane, the nights I stayed up writing in my journal about the boy I thought was the love of my life.
As much as I didn’t want to come back, I think saying goodbye to my past could be really good for me. It’s time. It’s time to put all of that to bed and really move on. It hurts, but there’s a part of me that’s being set free when I walk out that door today.
I miss Gran, but no matter how much I still feel her in this house, she’s not here. She’ll never be here and holding onto this piece of my past won’t change that.
When I first came back, Nik said Gran would be so proud of me, and I wasn’t sure I believed it then, but I do now.
She would be proud of me for closing this chapter and making it to the other side.
Because make no mistake, when I walk out that door, I will be on the other side of Ravens Ridge.
I will have survived it. Then I’ll just live to tell the tale.
As a tear rolls down my face, I hear, “Did you think you could leave without saying bye?”
I spin to find Nik standing right inside the door.
Dropping my shit, I wrap my arms around her. “Never, I knew your ass would show up.” I chuckle.
“I’m gonna miss you. It’s been kind of nice having you around.”
I pull back. “I know, but Shane says he’s gonna come visit so you can hold him to that.”
“Oh, definitely. It’s been too long since I’ve seen Maggie. I bet she’s getting so big.”
“She is.” I give her a sad smile.
On my way out of town, I pass the garage, feeling like someone has stolen the breath from my lungs. He’s given me more than he’ll ever know, and I’ll always be glad to have loved him, but there is no room for us in this life.
I make one more stop at the bank before hitting the highway. I’m surprised to find the jewelry box my dad was looking for in her safety deposit box. He was wrong. Shane never took it. I stash it in my purse before finally heading home.