Chapter 40 Ash
ASH
OCTOBER PRESENT DAY
Gabriel and I have fallen into an easy routine.
He comes over once a week for dinner and calls Maggie a couple times a week.
It’s not much, but it’s all I’ve offered.
Things have gotten less awkward, and Maggie adores him.
She asks every day when she gets to see him again.
I think it’s started to heal something I didn’t know was wounded.
She’s sitting on the couch, waiting for her dad to pick her up with her pink sparkly backpack. He’s already twenty minutes late when my phone dings with a text.
Sorry. Stuck at work. Not gonna make it. Kiss Maggie for me.
“Motherfucker,” I murmur so she can’t hear me.
Looking back at me with sad eyes, she says, “He’s not coming, is he?”
“No. He had something come up with work. I’m sorry, Bug.” I move to sit beside her and pull her onto my lap.
“He never wants me anymore.” A tear rolls down her cheek.
I hate this. I know what that feels like. I spent most of my childhood feeling unwanted, and I hate that I’ve allowed her to get close to someone who would make her feel that way.
“That’s not true. He loves you.” I squeeze her. “He’s just busy.”
She shakes her head. “I wish I had a daddy here all the time.”
I run a hand down her back. “I know, baby.”
What do you say to that? I wish she had a dad here all the time too. Guilt starts to prick at my heart because I can’t help but feel like I’m the reason she doesn’t.
“I wish Gabriel was my daddy.”
I go completely still.
I’ve been debating whether I should tell her. I would’ve already, but I don’t want her to get her hopes up if he can’t be in her life.
But the thing is, he shows up. He shows up every single time.
He doesn’t miss a week, even when I’ve had to reschedule. He rearranges his life to be here, but I worry he won’t always do that. What if the club gets busy? Will he still show up then?
After a few minutes, she crawls off my lap, giving me a sad smile before heading to her room to play.
This might be a bad idea, but I pick up my phone.
He answers on the second ring. “Hello?”
“Hey, I know it’s such short notice, but Maggie’s having kind of a rough morning. Are you busy?”
It’s Saturday. I’m sure Gabriel has shit going on, but I had to try.
“No. I mean, I’m at the shop, but the guys can handle it without me. Is she okay?” he asks, his voice laced with concern.
“Oh, yeah. She’s fine. Her dad—Casey was supposed to take her for the day, but he canceled. She’s kind of bummed. You don’t have to take the day off. She’ll be okay.”
“No, really, it’s fine. I’ll head that way now. I just have to clean up my shit. Do you need me to bring anything?”
“You don’t have to do that—”
“I want to. I’ll be there in a few hours.”
Two hours later, he’s standing on my porch in a pair of light jeans, a dark blue hoodie, and the top half of his hair pulled back. Why is that so hot?
I let him in, closing the door behind us. “Hey, thank you so much. You really didn’t have to do this.”
“I told you, I don’t mind.”
“Maggie!” he sings, walking up the stairs toward her room.
I hear her squeal, and when I round the corner, she’s leaping into his arms, laughing. I start to tear up and turn quickly, wiping them away.
“So, what should we do today?”
“Let’s go to the park! Daddy always takes me to the park.”
Something flickers in his eyes for a moment, but he quickly fixes it. I would’ve missed it if I hadn’t been staring. I catch myself doing that a lot—staring at him while he’s talking to our daughter.
Then he flashes her the biggest smile. “I love the park.”
He glances back at me.
“I have a ton of stuff to catch up on today. You can take her if you want, though.”
His lips part, but he doesn’t say anything. I can’t quite read his thoughts, so I add, “You don’t have to, of course. I can go if you’d rather. I don’t want you to think I only called you to be a babysitter.”
“No. It’s not—I’d love to. I just wasn’t expecting you to say that.” Then he picks Maggie up as he stands. “You cool with that, Mags?”
She nods, wrapping her arms around his neck. This close, the resemblance is clear. The right side of her mouth lifts a hair more than the left when she smiles, just like his. She also does this thing with her eyebrows when she’s mad that’s a dead ringer for Gabriel.
“Uh… One problem.” He grimaces. “I brought the bike.”
Maggie’s eyes widen, and she shouts, “Woo-hoo! I’m gonna ride on a motorcycle!”
“Absolutely not.” I point at her before turning to Gabriel. “You can take my car.”
He leans in and whispers, “We’ll talk her into it once I get you a small enough helmet.”
When he winks, she giggles, and I roll my eyes because it will be a cold day in hell before I let her on the back of his bike.
After doing the dishes, cleaning out Maggie’s room, and about six loads of laundry, I get busy looking at apartments online. Jess doesn’t seem to mind us living here, but we’re going to have to find our own place at some point.
I’m sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal when Jess strolls through the door.
She drops into the chair beside me. “Maggie with Casey still?”
I shake my head. “He bailed again. Gabriel took her to the park, and then they went to dinner.”
“Gabriel? Was he supposed to come today?” She picks up my spoon, taking a bite of my cereal.
“Nope, I called him because Maggie was so bummed. She cried and said she wish Gabriel was her dad.”
“Yikes. That’s uh… That’s kind of sweet actually.”
I pull the spoon away from her before grabbing her a bowl and spoon of her own and pouring another bowl.
“So what? He jumped on his bike and came?”
“Yeah, basically.”
“Shit. So now what? Are you gonna tell her?”
“I don’t know. Should I? I kind of feel like I should. Especially if he keeps bending over backwards for her.”
“I mean, yeah.” She shrugs. “Maybe. You know I’ve never been a fan of Gabriel for you, but for Maggie he seems pretty damn good.”
“I know.”
That makes me so happy and sad at the same time. She deserves a dad who loves her unconditionally, but I wish he could have been good for me, too. The door opens before the room fills with giggles.
Maggie races into the house. “Mommy! Gabie took me to McDonald’s!”
Gabriel follows close behind, wincing. “Sorry. I hope that’s okay. I should’ve asked, but I didn’t think about it.”
“It’s fine. Gabie.” I laugh, winking at him.
“No.” He shakes his head. “Don’t start. She called me that at the park and has said it about a million times since. It’s very cute.” He points at me. “It is not cute when you say it.”
Maggie flops down on my lap.
“Anyway, I had a great time with you today, Mags.” He turns back to me. “I’ll head out.”
“No! Don’t leave!” She runs across the room, launching herself at him, and he catches her like it’s second nature. “Saturday’s movie night! It’s my turn to pick, but I’ll let you ‘cause you never had a turn.”
“Uh… I don’t—” He kneels, putting her down and tucking a stray curl behind her ear. “I mean, that’s your special thing with your mom.”
My heart cracks wide open. How am I supposed to feel good about my choices when he acts like that!
Every opportunity I give him, he takes, while trying not to step on my toes.
“It’s fine. If you want to stay and watch a movie, you can”
His eyes meet mine, asking a silent are you sure.
I nod with a smile.
“Okay.” He claps, beaming. “Movie night.”
Jess raises a brow, trying to send me signals telepathically.
When Maggie falls asleep halfway through Matilda, like she always does, I slide out from under her to stand.
Gabriel pushes off his knees and heads toward the door. “Thanks for today. It meant a lot to me.”
I follow him out onto the porch, letting the screen snap shut behind me. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
He stops at the bottom of the stairs and turns back to me. Crickets chirp around us as the moon drenches him in a soft glow.
“How do you feel about telling her the truth? If you’re not ready, it’s fine, but she loves you, and I think it might be good for her.”
“Like that I’m her dad?”
“Yeah. She’s been having a hard time with this Casey shit, and I think it might make her feel better.” I move to the top step and lean against the railing, crossing my arms over my chest. “She said something today about wishing you were her dad.”
He swallows, blinking a few times. “Uh, yeah. If you’re sure, I uh…” Rubbing the back of his neck, he says, “I would love that.”
“You can’t back out if we tell her. If she knows you’re her dad, you have to be sure you’re one hundred percent in.”
He doesn’t hesitate. “I’m in. I’ve been in from the second I found out about her. Ash, I want to be her dad.”
My chest warms. This is the man I knew he was. This is the man I wanted him to be. This is the man I loved.
“Thank you for being there for her.”
“Always.” His hand drops from the railing, and he starts toward his bike.
I should let him go. There’s no reason he shouldn’t. So, why do I feel like I’m being shoved off this porch to stop him by a phantom wind?
“You know, it’s pretty late. If you wanted to, you could stay. I can sleep with Maggie in her bed.” I chuckle, feeling a little silly now that the words are spilling from my lips. “She’ll freak out if she thinks she got to have a sleepover with you.”
My cheeks heat. I just asked my ex-boyfriend to have a slumber party. What the fuck is wrong with me?
He smiles. “Okay.”
Maggie’s humming to herself while picking flowers to make herself a crown when Gabriel comes out to sit on the swing with me. Mornings are my favorite. I drink coffee and watch her play in the yard. It’s almost as if time stops when we’re out here with the sun on our faces.
“Morning. Coffee?” I ask.
“Found some.” He holds up a cup. “So, what’s your plan for the day?”
I shrug, gesturing to our daughter. “This.”
“Do you mind if I stay for a little bit? I don’t want to overstep if this is your time with her.”
“I’ve had five years with her. If you want to stay, stay.”