Chapter Twenty-Three #2
Naya started jumping in her high chair when she saw him. He went right over and picked her up. “Does Masi have you trapped here?” he cooed as he unbuckled her and took her to the sink to wash her hands and face. She had orange mush all over her.
“Sweet potato and dhal for dinner today,” Nimita offered in the way of explanation.
“She looks like she wore most of it.” He laughed.
“She’s not as bad as Nimi was,” Reena said as she entered the kitchen.
“What do you know about it? You weren’t even born when I was a baby,” Nimita said.
“Who said I was talking about when you were a baby?” Reena countered.
Roshan laughed, and it was as beautiful as she remembered from Hawaii. Light and carefree, she hadn’t heard it from him since then.
Because here, he wasn’t light and carefree.
Reena put out her arms for Naya to come to her.
Naya burrowed her head under Roshan’s neck.
Nimita melted. It was cliché, she knew, to melt when a man held a baby like that.
But here she was, a cliché. She had also never been jealous of a baby before.
But she would love to trade places with Naya right now.
“There is no accounting for taste,” Reena said playfully. “Come, Naya. Let Masi and Masa chat.”
Heat rose into her face, and Nimita froze mid-glare at her sister. She had literally just implied that she and Roshan were married. Maybe Roshan didn’t catch it. She risked a glance.
The heated look in his eyes told her that he had certainly picked up what Reena had dropped. And that maybe he didn’t mind…
Nimita flushed, unable to tear herself away.
“Yeah, so Naya and I are just…going to…” Reena flared her eyes at her as she took the baby and left the kitchen.
Nimita waited until Reena’s footsteps had reached the top of the stairs. “Sorry about that. Reena thinks—”
“It’s clear what Reena thinks.” He paused and met her eyes. “I’m only interested in what you think.”
Nimita couldn’t speak.
“That painting class—we painted a sunrise over the ocean,” he said softly, leaning back against the counter.
“Even painting a sunrise, I needed you there. My heart ached the whole time. When I was with you, I could see my whole life. Without you…” He hung his head, looking at her from under lashes.
“I messed up. I never should have said… I didn’t mean…
” He shook his head. “I don’t deserve you. ”
He didn’t deserve her? He had no idea.
“I haven’t told you everything.” She glanced at the ceiling. “Even Reena doesn’t know the whole truth.”
He lifted his head. “About?”
She inhaled, clutching the counter behind her. “There’s more to what…happened. When I left home.” She could already feel the burn behind her eyes.
He froze, his gaze on her, eyes warm.
She couldn’t do this. She could not say the words. She turned to grab Naya’s tray to wash. It would not come up from the high chair. It wasn’t that complicated. Why wouldn’t it come up?
She felt him behind her, just before his hands grabbed her hands from the tray. Strong and calloused, his hands covered hers, pulling them off the tray.
“You want to know why I left?” Her voice was small, ashamed.
Somehow, she was suddenly bursting with the need to tell somebody.
As horrible as it was, she needed to get it off her chest. And who was Roshan to her now anyway?
They weren’t going to be together. What difference did it make if he knew how horrible she was?
Maybe if she told him, he’d stop looking at her so tenderly. She could barely stand it.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean. The reason I left was because I caused that accident.” She turned to face him, removing her hands from his. He did not step away from her. She could feel him breathing. Even and steady.
“What are you saying?”
“This is what I’m saying.” Nimita swallowed. Her heart felt like a stone in her chest.
Roshan simply stood there for a moment. Then he took her hand. He led her to the family room and sat her down on the sofa before moving a chair across from her. He sat down and their knees touched. It was strangely comforting.
He sat and waited, saying nothing until she was ready to speak.
Tears prickled her nose and burned the backs of her eyes. She had never spoken these words out loud. They were the star of her nightmares, the core of her guilt. She hung her head. “So, that day.”
“Yes.”
She glanced up at Roshan. His eyes were warm and kind. He was, at his core, kind. She flashed back to the coffee he had brought her, the scuba mask board, tending her father’s plants… He had not done these things for any other reason than they were kind.
Maybe she should have fought harder to keep him.
“My mom had asked me to go shopping with her in Edison, New Jersey. To pick out something for me to wear to Reena’s wedding.
The fact that Reena wasn’t even engaged yet was a technicality to her.
” Nimita smirked. Edison was basically the “Little India” of the northeast. “Anyway, it’s a whole day trip from Maryland.
And I was excited. We went to a small boutique and tried on clothes and had a very nice time.
I was enjoying myself with Mom. I hadn’t enjoyed myself with her in a long time.
We decided to go to lunch at that paratha place. ”
“The one behind that jeweler?”
“Yeah.”
“Sounds like a good day so far,” he said. His smile was warm and unassuming. She was about to ruin that.
“So we go, and we place our orders, and Mom is acting a bit weird. Constantly checking her phone. I just thought she was worried about Dad. I even said as much.” Nimita inhaled.
“We sat down with our food, and no sooner had I taken a bite than a woman Mom’s age and her son approach and sit down.
He sat across from me, the auntie sat across from Mom.
They all knew each other, and they all knew why they were there. Everyone, but me.”
Roshan’s jaw dropped. “She took you on a blind date? With the mom and the guy and didn’t even tell you?”
“Yes.”
“No way.”
“Way.” At least Roshan seemed to understand the complete and absolute ridiculousness of the situation.
“I was pissed.” Her voice rose as if it were all happening in front of her.
“I don’t even know how we got through the meal.
I did not hold back, so I was extra rude and unhelpful, which made Mom livid.
We started arguing as soon as we got into the car.
” Nimita paused. “She was horrified at my behavior, though what did she think I would do? She remained adamant that I get married and soon because I was, after all, thirty! Of course I couldn’t believe she had tricked me like this.
And, I don’t know, Mom and I didn’t always…
mesh…and I had thought we were having this great mother-daughter day, and then it turned out she’d had an agenda the whole time.
” Nimita paused. “We fought, and we didn’t stop until—” Neither of them had seen the car because they were arguing.
Because Nimita could not keep her mouth shut.
Tears flowed freely down her face. She closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands in shame. She couldn’t even look Roshan in the face.
“I could have given her the silent treatment. I could have waited to come home and argue. I could have—”
Cool, soft hands touched hers, gently pulling them away from her face. These were not Roshan’s hands. She screwed up her face, and more tears came as realization hit. She shook her head. “Reena. I didn’t want you to know,” she squeaked out.
Then Reena was there, sitting next to Nimita, enveloping her in her embrace, pulling her close.
She smelled of something lightly floral and baby spit-up.
“Didi. The accident was an accident. Not your fault, not Mom’s.
” Nimita turned and sobbed into her sister’s arms. Three years of pent-up sorrow, guilt, and self-hatred poured itself out into a sea of tears.
She didn’t feel she deserved to be called Didi.
“I am so sorry I left you. For whatever it’s worth, I wasn’t leaving you. I just couldn’t stay, Reena. How could I stay and face you every day knowing, knowing that if Mom and I hadn’t been arguing, maybe she would be alive?”
Reena shook her head. “Shh. It’s not your fault.”
Nimita looked at her sister’s face. No anger, no blame, just love.
Just her sister. Her baby sister who’d had the cutest little fingers and most adorable little mouth and didn’t need a charge or battery.
Her baby sister who had grown up as her best friend.
Relief like she hadn’t felt for three years overcame her, and she was exhausted.
In the background, she heard a door close.
Roshan had left.