Chapter 3 #2
He might not be saying that if he knew we had moved in together after just a few weeks of dating.
With the genuine concern in his features, I felt a pang of guilt for keeping him in the dark, but if he knew about my current predicament he would not be happy.
I could already hear the lecture echoing in my head.
I shrugged, trying to say as little as possible so I didn’t give away anything I was trying to hide.
“Maybe take some time to figure out what you really want.”
That was the one thing about Matthew, he always had lots of advice to share. He would usually be the one I would turn to when I was in a difficult situation that I didn’t know how to resolve, but this was the first time I hadn’t, and I was struggling.
“You’re right,” I said a little breathlessly, feeling awful for not being upfront about what was going on.
“You’ll know when you find the right one.” I followed his gaze that drifted to where Sarah was.
It made my heart squeeze at how he gazed at her, like nothing else mattered.
“If not, I’ll get a cat,” I quipped, trying to cover up my vulnerability with a joke.
Matthew shook his head at me while suppressing a smile. “As an animal lover, I can’t let that happen.”
I giggled before straightening my features but I couldn’t stop smiling. “Why not?”
“Try a plant first.”
He leaned over and slung an arm around to pull me into a half-hug. “I love you.”
“Ditto.”
“I hate it when you say that,” he said with a sigh, releasing me. “Why can’t you just say it back like everyone else?”
Even though I was brought up in a close family, I found it difficult to be expressive about my feelings.
From a young child, I had always replied to an ‘I love you’ with ‘Ditto’.
I’d been doing it for so long I wasn’t even completely aware I did it.
And the weird thing was, that was the only time I used it.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
He studied me. “You’re not going to find happiness until you learn to let people in.”
I crossed my arms and pinned my brother with a look that told him he was skating on thin ice. “I let you in.”
“I’m family. Family doesn’t count.”
My frown eased while I considered what he was saying. Was there some truth to it?
“Let me ask you a question.” He rested his arms on his legs and linked them together as he leaned closer. “How many close friends do you have?”
“A few,” I replied, feeling self-conscious as I tried to rack my brain for some names. The truth was I had friends but none that I told my deepest, darkest secrets to. Sophie knew me better than anyone and I didn’t always tell her everything either.
“I don’t want to argue with you. All I want for you is to be happy.” He leaned back in his chair. “If it’s with or without someone.”
“You think that’s why none of my relationships have worked out?”
He nodded. “I’m no shrink but you’re a difficult person to get close to. I’m your brother and I still wonder what’s going on in your head.”
“And you do with Sophie?”
“Yes. Sophie is an open book.”
He pointed to Sophie, who was listening to something our aunt was saying.
“See?” he murmured.
Sophie was bored and there was no disguising it. Her eyes wandered as my aunt happily blabbered on. She even did an eye roll, which my aunt didn’t notice since she was too wrapped up in what she was saying.
I suppressed a giggle.
“I know trusting someone isn’t easy, but try it.”
I’d always believed it was my feelings for Mark that kept me from finding someone special, but what if it wasn’t?
“I trust Mark,” I stated, unsure if the statement was true. I trusted him like I trusted my brother but I didn’t trust him enough to reveal how I felt about him. But maybe it wasn’t that clear cut. Was it fear of rejection that made me keep my inner emotions close to my chest?
If I never really invested in my relationships, there was no chance of getting really hurt. I’d had my ego bruised on more than a few occasions but that’s all it had been. I’d never really felt that heart-aching pain of experiencing a breakup.
Matthew raised an eyebrow and shook his head. “Mark is practically family. He doesn’t count either.”
If my brother knew how I fantasized about Mark, he would blush. Heat rushed into my cheeks at the memory of him half-naked with his chest bare, his muscles ripped and sweaty from working out. I’d imagined countless times what it would feel like to explore them with my hands.
“Technically he isn’t,” I argued.
“Okay fine, I’ll give you one person outside our family,” he relented. “I want you to be happy and anything I can do to make that happen, I will.”
I nodded. He cared. “You worry too much.”
“I’m the older brother, it’s my job to worry about you and Sophie.” They were light words but he meant every one of them.
I swallowed, feeling emotional. “Enough with the heavy talk, go find Sarah and enjoy the rest of your evening.”
He gave me a hug before he left to find his fiancée across the room, and I watched.
After our little talk I felt more guilty for not opening up and telling him the truth. It was too late now, I had lied and I had to ensure he never discovered it. I was hard to get close to and I couldn’t manage my life. Was there anything I could do right?
His advice had given me a window into how people viewed me. But then, I wasn’t the only one who didn’t let people in.
I felt Mark’s gaze before my eyes found his.
He stood beside the bar across the room, watching me with a look that was difficult to read.
He didn’t let people in either. I wasn’t the only one who knew very little about him.
Matthew was probably the only person who knew things about Mark that no one else did.
There was something about his gaze that made me pick up my camera. I pointed it at him as he held his pose and I took a picture, feeling a need to keep that moment for longer than possible.
It was difficult to explain my action and, as I lowered the camera, Mark turned his back to me, closing me off physically. It felt like I was being shut out, but from what?
Did I use my feelings for Mark to ensure there was no hope of any other relationship blossoming? Was he my ‘get out relationships’ card?
I chewed the inside of my cheek as I contemplated the new realization that had dawned on me.