Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I was distracted and subdued after dinner with Maggie.
“Tracy?” Maggie said, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“Sorry,” I mumbled, hating that she had caught me not paying attention.
“Everything okay?” She touched my hand.
I wanted to say I was okay and I would have had it been anyone else. Maybe it was the sincere concern that undid me, but I found myself unable to shut her down like I did everyone else.
“It’s just been a bit of a difficult time trying to navigate everything.”
“Are you talking to your parents yet?” she asked.
I sighed. “Not really. I will eventually. It feels like no matter how much I try, things aren’t going the way I had expected.” I had wanted to find a connection to my father that would make me feel like I belonged but so far there had only been empty hope.
“I want to show you something,” she murmured, rising to her feet, and I did the same .
She led me from the living room, down the passage to a room I had never been in.
“I come here when I need to feel like he is still here,” she explained when she opened the door.
It was a huge room filled with art. On an easel was an incomplete painting.
My eyes filled with wonder as I took in each masterpiece. There must have been at least twelve. I walked up to the one painting and nearly touched it.
“Who painted these?”
“Your father. He was very talented but he didn’t feel comfortable showing people. This was his private collection.”
This is what I had been looking for. Something clicked into place. I had gotten some of my creativity from him, it was something that tied me more than just the blood that ran through my veins.
“They are beautiful.”
I wandered quietly in awe from one picture to the other. I breathed in every stroke, every color, and I felt a sense of peace.
Most of them were of landscapes but there were a few of a girl. When I studied them, I realized they were of me.
“He…?” I was speechless.
“Yes. He loved painting you. There are a few of the boys but he found capturing you on canvas far more challenging than any other project.”
I teared up when I stopped in front of one where I was facing to the side. I had such a faraway look in my eyes.
“I think it helped him feel closer to you.”
This was more personal than a few photos kept in an album. This was how he saw me, like a beautiful woman with the world at her feet, that’s how the picture portrayed me with a determined slight to my chin and flash of defiance in my eyes. My hair was billowing in the air like I was riding free.
I had never looked at myself like that. It was difficult not to be emotionally moved by what I was seeing. A tear slid down and I wiped it.
“I’m sorry,” Maggie whispered beside me, sounding as affected as I was. She put an arm around me. “I was selfish not to show these sooner. It’s just, I haven’t been ready to part with them yet.”
I shook my head. “These are yours.”
“No. I’ve a lifetime of memories to keep. He would want you to have them. These are yours now.”
I looked at her and her image blurred. “Thank you.”
It was the greatest gift anyone could give me and I was so grateful for her understanding.
We stood side by side for a while while I struggled with my emotions.
“I grew up never feeling like I really belonged.” I felt her shift to look at me, but I felt like I would lose my nerve if I faced her.
“When I discovered Robert was my real father, I searched for something that would help me connect with him and until now there hadn’t been anything.
” I let out a breath. “But I feel it now.”
She squeezed me and I leaned my head on her shoulder. She was a good woman. How Robert could have cheated on her I would never know, but I understood why it had been important for him to keep her.
It was late when I left Maggie’s. I found myself too worked up to go home so I drove around for a while.
I thought about Mark and his visit to my apartment earlier.
Somehow I discovered I was pulling up in front of his apartment building.
I wasn’t sure exactly what I was doing there but I felt like I had to see him.
I checked my watch, it was well after eleven.
I debated whether this was a good idea or not.
Throwing caution to the wind, I followed my instinct and entered his building.
There was no surprising him this time. When the doorman called him to tell him I was here, he told him to send me up .
I was nervous as I took the elevator up to the top floor.
He was standing in the open doorway as the elevator doors opened.
I stepped out and the doors closed behind me.
He still had the ability to blow me away and I found myself short of breath.
My anger couldn’t diminish his effect on me or how I felt about him.
His dark eyelashes brought out the severity of the green in his eyes and I felt hypnotized.
I had crushed on the boy who had stolen my heart, but now I loved him in a way a woman loved a man.
It was who he was, what he stood for, and I knew if anything happened he was the one I wanted on my side to stand beside me.
“You want to come in?” he asked when I didn’t take a step closer.
I did but I didn’t want the physical part of us to override all else, but I also didn’t want any of his neighbors to hear a very personal conversation.
I nodded. He stepped aside and I entered. The door closed behind me and I turned to face him.
“It’s not safe to be out this late,” he murmured.
“I shouldn’t have come?” I asked softly, unsure if this was what I should be doing.
I wanted to be the woman in the painting, the one who took charge of her life instead of waiting for it to happen.
“I didn’t say that.” He moved closer.
There was a moment of silence.
“I need to know something,” I began and wet my lips nervously.
“Ask.” His voice was husky.
“You were jealous.”
He smiled, deepening his dimples. “I was.”
“What does that mean exactly?” Suddenly I felt out of my depth but this was important .
“Do I have to spell it out for you?” He moved closer and I found myself staring at him.
I nodded.
He cradled my face and brushed my lips with his thumbs as he stared deeply into my eyes. “I want you, not just in my bed.”
“What about Matthew?” I covered his hands with mine. His friendship with my brother hung in the balance. After how Matthew reacted to my parents’ secret, there was no way to tell how he might react to finding out about Mark and me.
“You were the one who didn’t want to say anything. I don’t like keeping things from him.” He sighed. “But there is a good chance he won’t take it well.”
“I know.” I closed my eyes, knowing there might be more drama in my immediate future.
“We can handle it,” he whispered, and I felt his lips on mine.
I let him kiss me before I managed to stop my head from spinning. I put my finger to his lips.
“Not so easy,” I said, determined to get my point across. “What you accused me of was terrible. I really thought you knew me, but after that I’m not so sure anymore. You hurt me. If you can’t trust me, then I don’t think this will work.”
His eyes darkened. “I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“Even if it means you have to start trusting me with things you don’t like to talk about?”
He studied me for a few moments before he nodded. “It’ll take time.”
I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him. It was a small step I had never believed he would take and the fact that he was prepared to meant the world to me. His arms came around me and held me close. This was exactly where I wanted to be.
“I’d better get home,” I murmured, pulling away from him, but he refused to let me go.
He shook his head. “Stay. ”
The heat in his eyes left me with no doubt there wouldn’t be much sleeping, and my stomach dipped. Suddenly my lungs didn’t hold enough air and I felt dizzy.
“I don’t have any clothes,” I whispered, unable to tear my eyes from his lips.
“We won’t be needing clothes,” he suggested, and I smiled. A warm feeling uncurled in my stomach.
“You’re very sure of yourself.” I smiled, feeling a confidence I hadn’t felt before.
“I am.”
His hand slipped to the back of my neck to pull me gently closer. Then his mouth was on mine. I sighed. His hands gripped me by the arms while his mouth devoured me. The urgency of his movements made my heart race.
My hands linked around his neck as his tongue thrust into my mouth and I groaned at the erotic movement.
I ached for him. “Now.”
I couldn’t wait. My hands went straight to work his belt free. He moved me against the wall and shoved his hand up my shirt, pulling my bra down to free one breast. He squeezed my nipple as I fumbled with the zipper of his jeans. I could feel his arousal.
Mark pulled my shirt over my head before bending to suck my nipple. I arched, giving myself to him while his teeth teased my bud. My hands gripped his shoulders, my nails digging into him. I needed more.
“I...” I found it difficult to put into words what I needed.
“I know.” He hooked my panties and pulled them down.
He kissed me. My sensitive nipples brushed against his shirt. His fingers parted my folds and his mouth smothered a gasp. I was wet and ready. I had never wanted him more. Half undressed and up against the wall.
“Tell me what you want,” he whispered against my ear. My whole body was sensitive to his touch.
“I need you.” His lips captured mine when he slid a finger into me. My hips moved of their own accord, seeking a release. I cried out in frustration when he stopped.
He tore a condom open and rolled it on. I hadn’t even thought about that, my one thought on joining our bodies as quickly as possible—not the on the repercussions of not being safe.
He lifted me and wrapped my thighs around his waist. I expected him to thrust into me but he didn’t. He held my weight with his.
“Tell me what you want,” he insisted against my ear.
“I want you.” I panted, willing to say whatever he wanted me to.
“What do you want me to do?” He kissed just below my ear. “Say it.”
“I want you to fuck me,” I breathed. His eyes met mine as he nudged me, shifting his hips before he thrust into me hard. My breath hitched and he barely allowed my body to adjust to him when he began to move. In and out. Over and over. It was sweet torture.
I groaned and hung on to him, lost in the feel of him inside me.
It was the most erotic thing I had ever experienced.
Our first time had been calm and innocent but this time it was hot and heavy.
I found his mouth and kissed him. The insistent pressure against him made my body sense the oncoming orgasm just before it swept me away.
I arched into him, straining. His teeth nipped my collar bone when he gripped me so tight it felt like he was leaving the imprint of himself on me, and he came.
I leaned my head on his shoulder as he held me up against the wall, my legs unable to hold my weight up.
I felt like jelly, my body satisfied and tired.
When he moved, he carried me to his room.
He laid me on the bed before withdrawing.
It was dark but I lay on my side, too tired to move.
He returned to remove my clothes and tuck me into his bed .
He joined me to curl up against my body, my eyelids too heavy to keep open. I was feeling the happiest and content I had in ages.
“That was…” I murmured, unable to find the right word to describe the fireworks I had just experienced.
“I know.” He kissed my cheek and I closed my eyes.
His strong, naked body warmed mine and the last thing I remember was sighing before I drifted into deep sleep.
I couldn’t find him. Where was he? The smoke was so thick I couldn’t even see my hand in front of my face.
Anxious fear took hold and I frantically searched. Mark?
Desperately I walked forward, swishing my hand out in front of me, praying I would find him. If I didn’t, he would be lost to me forever.
Then in the darkness he appeared a few feet in front of me, but no matter how much I tried to get to him I wasn’t able to budge.
“Mark!” I yelled, but he didn’t answer.
His eyes were fixed on me. “Some things aren’t meant to be.”
I fought against the invisible restraint. “No, no.”
I was losing him, we had fought so hard to be together but it hadn’t mattered. His image began to fade and I cried out but nothing I did made any difference.
I shot up in the bed, covered in sweat and shaking.
Mark sat up beside me, still half asleep. “You okay?”
My throat constricted, my emotions still riding high from the vivid nightmare.
He touched my back gently. “I think you were having a nightmare.”
I turned to him and put my hand to touch his chest. He was solid beneath my fingertips. Relief flooded through me and I had a reprieve from the dream that had me tightly gripped in its memory.
He covered my hand with his and I looked up at him.
“You want to tell me what you were dreaming about? ”
I shook my head. I was still reeling from the real life feeling of losing him and I wasn’t ready to talk about it.
“I’m sorry I woke you up.”
He pulled me closer and I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I don’t mind. I like being reminded you are here with me.”
I hugged him.
“You sure you’re okay?” he asked, and I loosened my hold on him slightly. I nodded against his skin.
He shifted me away from him slightly. “For this to have a chance of working, we need to be honest with each other.”
I bit my lip. He was right but it still didn’t make me want to open up about my insecurities. I was no dream specialist but even I could tell my fears were coming out in my dreams.
After going through so much, we were finally together but I couldn’t help feeling it wouldn’t last. Was it my pessimistic nature or was it something else that was nagging at my subconscious—something I didn’t want to see?
“I couldn’t find you,” I admitted, feeling uncomfortable with telling him that.
He felt something for me but we both knew my feelings for him were stronger. I loved him. If this didn’t work out, I would be the one to take the biggest hit.
“You want to tell me what this is about?” he asked gently.
“I think I’m feeling a little insecure, that’s all.” He would never know how much it had taken to admit that out loud to him.
He sighed and I held my breath. “I want to tell you this will work out but none of us could say that with any surety. We just have to take it one day at a time.”
That wasn’t what I wanted to hear but at least he was being honest, even if it still made me anxious.
“What I can tell you is I’ve never before felt the way I do about you.” His hand threaded through mine. “There’s a lot hanging in the balance but I would never have risked it if I didn’t feel this would be worth it.”
That lifted my heart and I felt a little reassured. At least he wasn’t just saying things to make me feel better, and I appreciated his honesty.