Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
When I moved, I felt the heaviness of someone beside me.
It was dark but I knew I wasn’t alone. It could only be one person.
The thought would have lifted me before but this time it only brought a heaviness I couldn’t ignore.
The fogginess in my mind was crowded with questions that had plagued me since my car accident.
Where had he been? Why hadn’t he called? Why?
“I’m sorry,” Mark breathed, lying beside me in the bed.
The pain I felt in my chest had nothing to do with my injury.
I lay there for a few moments before I struggled to sit up, the ache in my chest making it difficult to right myself and breathe at the same time.
Mark helped me but I shoved his hands away.
I was too angry to let him near me. I flicked on the light beside my bed before standing up to face him.
I had to keep my distance to be able to face him without his presence overpowering me. To keep a clear head, I had to keep him from touching me.
It would be so easy to give in to the need to hold him and breathe him in, ignoring the anger that he hadn’t been there when I had needed him the most. I felt let down and I allowed that feeling to flourish .
He looked awful. His hair was messed up and he looked like he hadn’t slept. There was a tiredness in his shoulders that I had never seen before and I felt a pang of something, but anger was my overriding emotion and nothing was going to soften it.
His jacket and boots littered the floor.
“Where were you?” My chest felt tight and I kept a hold on the turmoil inside, especially when I remembered the immediate panic after the accident and being unable to get hold of him.
He moved off the bed, closer to me, but I wasn’t having that so I moved away. “Don’t.”
He was dressed in a black T-shirt and jeans. The shirt was wrinkled.
“How are you feeling?” His hand rose to touch my bandage but he didn’t touch me.
“I’ll be fine,” I replied, tight-lipped, when all I wanted to do was yell at him. “But I’m not sure we are.”
I wanted nothing more than an explanation that would rectify all that was wrong but I was skeptical that would happen.
He let out a heavy sigh and dragged a hand through his hair. “I know saying I’m sorry doesn’t sound like much but not being there for you will haunt me.”
The emotion was overwhelming and I put my hand to my mouth. Was I a sucker for punishment? Seeing him like this made me want to tell him everything would be okay, but I just couldn’t do it.
“Where were you?” I repeated my question, determined to get an answer.
He studied me for a few moments in silence.
“My grandfather died.”
His news hit me square in the chest and winded me. Then I understood the tiredness in his features and his red-rimmed eyes .
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, unsure of how to proceed.
“I knew it was coming…” Like it was supposed to make it easier but I doubted it did.
“Why didn’t you call?” It didn’t explain why he hadn’t answered his calls or called back. Why hadn’t he called to tell me about his grandfather?
Was this again his inability to open up and share things? I stopped myself from allowing my thoughts to run down a path of their own.
“When I got the call about my grandfather, I lost it.” He sighed. It was so unlike the controlled person I was used to. “I threw my phone against the wall. With everything going on, I lost track of time.”
Was that why he hadn’t received any of the messages or voicemails? It was all starting to make sense.
“How did you find out, then?” I asked.
“Matthew had left a message with the doorman at my building to call him urgently. When I rang him, he told me everything and I came straight over. When you didn’t answer the door, I let myself in.
” He stepped closer and this time I didn’t.
“God, Tracy, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.
When I think of what you went through, I find it hard to breathe. I should have been there.”
My features softened when I reached for his hand and took it in mine. “You can’t be in two places. You were exactly where you were supposed to be.”
He swallowed hard and I put my arms around him. I could feel his pain and there was nothing I could do to take it away, all I could do was show him that I was there for him.
We stood for a few minutes in silence. I couldn’t be relieved that his grandfather had died but I knew if it hadn’t been as serious, I doubt I would have been able to forgive as easily. The heaviness in my chest eased and I listened to the steady beat of his heart .
I sighed.
“You okay?” he asked. I lifted my eyes to meet his.
I nodded.
“Can I see?” he asked, looking at the bandage.
I let him peel the bandage back and I watched his expression. It made my heart swell. His fingers set the bandage back into place and I winced slightly.
“How are your ribs?” he asked.
I unbuttoned my shirt and opened it. His hands touched the bruising and lightly traced the discolored skin from one end to the other. I shivered from his touch.
“I have to take it easy for a few days.” The worst was having to move around slowly so I didn’t jar my injury by mistake.
“Matthew said the guy’s brakes locked and he hit you from behind,” he murmured, looking like he was wrestling between anger and something else.
I nodded. “I didn’t see it coming.” I couldn’t even remember the other car or any other victims. All that had mattered was my own pain and waiting anxiously for my brother to get there.
I had been ill prepared, which had made it so much worse, but even if I had seen it about to unfold it wouldn’t have made much of a difference.
“I’m supposed to be there to protect you.” It was like he had somehow failed me.
“You can’t be with me all the time. It was an accident. I’m okay.” I felt the need to reassure him. There was no reason for him to feel guilt. He had done nothing wrong. He wasn’t superhuman, he could only do what was humanly possible.
“It could have been worse,” he whispered hoarsely. I felt his fear, it felt similar to how I felt when I had assessed my injuries right after the accident.
I was lucky, and we had each other. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
He looked so tired, I pulled him to the bed. I got in and he slipped in beside me. When we were lying together and facing each other, I switched off the light.
He didn’t put an arm around me, very aware of my injury, but he kissed my forehead lightly on the side that wasn’t covered by the bandage.
I hadn’t been brave enough to look under the bandage, I hadn’t wanted to make a big deal out of the superficial side of having a scar.
“Does it look bad?” I asked quietly, trusting he would tell me the truth where others would try and soften it.
“Stitches are sexy,” he murmured, which made me smile for the first time in what felt like forever.
“Really?” I asked, loving the smirk he gave me.
“It makes you look tough.”
I laughed and my ribs hurt. I put a hand to them. “Don’t make me laugh.”
“I’ll be fighting off the competition,” he continued.
“As if,” I murmured. I had yet to find anyone else who could hold a candle to him.
He trailed his fingers along the side of my face.
Sometimes I hoped it was because he was perfect for me but then there were times I allowed the doubt to enter my thoughts.
I was giving Mark space until he was ready to open up about his grandfather. He hadn’t mentioned anything else other than the fact he had died. I didn’t know what had happened or even when the funeral was.
It had been two days and still he hadn’t revealed anything. I didn’t want to be the one always pushing him, at some point he had to do it on his own.
We were going to Matthew’s for dinner. I believed it was to soothe any friction that still remained.
I didn’t want to get in the way of Mark’s friendship with my brother, but I also didn’t want my brother meddling in my relationship with Mark.
I knew he still wasn’t completely comfortable with it, but I hoped seeing us together might change that.
“You ready…?” The words died on his lips when he entered my room.
He had been waiting patiently for me to get ready, without complaint.
“And?” I asked.
I wore a simple skirt and shirt with some makeup. It wasn’t over-the-top but I wanted to look nice, especially for our official outing as a couple. With each step with him, I felt the anxiousness of what the outcome would be, with each measurement a hope that it would be enough.
At some point I had to realize it was my own insecurities rearing their heads and not only Mark’s inability to trust or open up.
“Beautiful.” His gaze was intense as it wandered from my head to my toes. I felt my stomach flip and I loved how he was looking at me right in that moment, like I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.
“The bandage…” I touched my head, feeling very self-conscious.
“There’s nothing that would make you less beautiful, nothing.”
He took my hand to his lips and he brushed it with a kiss, which sent a fizzle of electric chemistry through me.
I felt breathless. He could take my breath away with one look or a touch.
I had it bad for this man. I wanted to lose myself in my growing feelings, but a fear kept me from leaping off the edge into the unknown.
“I can’t wait to get better,” I said, moving close so my lips nearly touched his.
“And why is that?” he asked with a smirk .
“So I can do all the naughty things I want to do to you.”
He grinned and put his hand on my hip.
“I think I’ve created a monster.”
“You say it like it’s a bad thing,” I teased.
I wanted to be close to him again, skin to skin, but my injury made it impossible to do more than kiss. Just a few more days , I consoled myself.
“You want to drive?”
I trembled and stepped away. “Uh, no. I don’t.”
He caught my hand. “It’s okay.”
I was nervous just getting back into a car, so driving was just plain out of the question.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumbled.