Chapter 28
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
I had been awake since four a.m. Mark had been peacefully asleep beside me, moaning and adjusting when I kept fidgeting. Finally accepting I wasn’t going to get any more sleep, I got up and made some coffee.
Three cups of coffee later, Mark wandered into the living room, dressed in sweats and nothing else. My heart jittered in my chest at the combination of the caffeine and the sight of his muscular physique. His hair was messed up and he had never looked more handsome.
“You’re up early,” he said when he touched a kiss to my cheek before heading into the kitchen to make coffee.
I let out a shaky breath while I tried to build the courage I needed.
He returned with coffee and sat down beside me. “Why couldn’t you sleep?” he asked before sipping his coffee while lazing back in the sofa.
“The thing is, I haven’t slept well…since you left,” I began nervously, trying to find the right words to break it to him but knowing nothing was going to soften the blow.
The only thing that kept me going was I was doing the right thing for him.
I wa s putting him first, unlike everyone else in his life. He probably wouldn’t see it that way.
“Why?” he asked. “Do you feel safer when I’m here?”
I shook my head. “No, that’s not it. I worried about you.”
He cocked his head to the side and studied me. “It’s a dangerous job but I take controlled risks.”
Risk was the word that stuck with me, controlled fell by the wayside. He was taking risks everyday with his life.
“That’s the thing…” I set my coffee down and turned to face him. He frowned but I kept going, not allowing him to deter my path. “I know what you and my brother do is dangerous. When Matthew got shot, it turned my world upside down. I remembered the call and the fear he wasn’t going to make it.”
He nodded. He had been there.
We had come a long way from the start. We had worked through the lack of trust, crumbling the walls to allow each other in, and it would end with this.
“I don’t understand,” he murmured, sitting up straighter and putting his coffee down on the table.
“The last week, I haven’t been able to sleep, eat or relax. Not for a second.” It was like living in a nightmare from which there was no escape.
“But I’m here now, safe and sound,” he argued, reaching for me, but I pulled back.
“This time. But what about the next time and the time after that?” I shook my head. “I can’t live like this. It feels like I’m on guard all the time. I can’t think, I can’t work.”
“What do you want me to do?” he asked with a frown. “This is my job.”
I let out a heavy breath. “That’s the thing. I don’t want you to do anything. I want you to do what you want, I want you to be happy. But…”
“But what?” he rasped.
“I can’t do it.” There, it was out, and I waited for his reaction .
“Do what?” His eyes were fixed on me.
“Waiting and worrying. It nearly killed me this week, wondering if every phone call could be someone telling me something had happened to you.” It was difficult but necessary to tell him. My hands shook.
He rose and began to pace while I watched anxiously. Then he stopped.
“Fine. If this is what you want.” And with that, he went back into my bedroom. I wanted to rush after him and beg for him to stay, but I didn’t. I made myself sit, cradling my cup.
When he exited my bedroom, he was fully dressed, with his bag. He didn’t even look in my direction before he walked out without another word. The emotion I had been suppressing bubbled to the surface just as the door slammed shut behind him.
We were done. I had done the right thing, but I still felt so shitty. It would pass, I told myself. With each day it would get easier and eventually I would be okay with seeing him at family functions.
I didn’t want to think that maybe I had made a mistake, one I would forever regret.
For the first day, I kept it to myself as I worked through my heartache, but I knew I couldn’t keep it a secret.
I also wanted to control any backlash my family might feel.
This had been my choice and I wouldn’t allow anyone to treat Mark differently.
He was still a part of my family and would stay that way.
“What happened?” Sophie asked, sounding stunned when I dropped the bombshell.
“I love him but I can’t spend the rest of my life wondering if today was the day I would get a phone call telling me something had happened to him.” I firmly believed my love for him would die a slow death over the years if I had stayed.
“I get it,” she whispered. “It wasn’t easy when Matty was doing it. ”
She understood, like Sarah had as well when I spoke to her a little later. Even my parents were very understanding. My half-brothers and Maggie were more than understanding. My brother was the difficult one.
“Why didn’t you ask him to change his job?” he asked without batting an eyelid.
It was such a male thing to say. They looked at each problem in a logical way.
“I know how much his job means to him,” I tried explaining, unsure if my brother knew about Ethan. “I didn’t want him to change to be with me.”
My brother refused to see it that way. “You’re a coward.”
“What?” I gasped.
“You heard me,” he said, his expression dead serious. “It was your excuse to get out.”
My mouth dropped open at his brazen statement. “What are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” he shot back. “You struggle to let people in and when you finally did with him, it scared you.”
“No, that’s no—”
“I know you, Tracy.” He looked me straight in the eye. He had that way of cutting through the bullshit to get straight to the point.
“You don’t know anything about—”
“Stop,” he said, cutting me off. “If you truly wanted to work things out, why didn’t you sit down and have an adult conversation with him about it?”
I frowned. Was he right?
“You could have given him the option, but you didn’t. You didn’t even ask him if it was something he would consider.”
As he spoke, it began to dawn on me. “You think I did this on purpose because we were getting too close? ”
He nodded. “If you weren’t scared, you would have talked to him about this instead of giving it all up in the name of sacrifice. Look at you, you’re not happy and, believe me, he isn’t either. So, what did you get out of it?”
I bit my lip as I contemplated his words.
“The only thing you got out of it was distance. He was getting too close so you panicked.”
I was shocked. Was he right? Had I done this subconsciously, without even realizing it? Was I a coward?
“I…”
He shook his head while he rubbed his chin. “You need to have a good long think about what you want because you may have already lost the only chance you’ll ever have with him.”
My bottom lip trembled.
“I was scared for him,” I whispered through the emotion tumbling through me.
My brother shook his head gently. “No, you were scared for you. For the first time, you loved someone, and when that happens it can be scary and exhilarating at the same time.”
“But he could get hurt?” I argued. My fears hadn’t been unfounded.
“He could get hit by a bus tomorrow. There is no surety in anything,” he explained gently. “His job is high risk but if it bugged you that much you could have talked to him about it. You guys could have found some common ground.”
He sighed. “Sarah didn’t want me in the field either, but we spoke about it and I made the decision to take on a more managerial role in the company.”
Had I screwed up my only chance with him?
“I don’t know what to do?” I murmured, my mind running wild with new things I hadn’t even considered before.
“Well, you’d better make up your mind and do something about it quickly.”
It took me another full day to come to the realization that Matthew had been right.
I had called Mark but it had just gone to voicemail.
I hadn’t left a message, but he never called me back.
I tried again the next day but this time when he didn’t answer I left a message asking for him to call me back.
Another day passed and he never called back.
He wasn’t making this easy at all. A fear that I had really screwed things up beyond repair began to seep in and I began to panic. He didn’t come by on Sunday for lunch at my parents’ place, either. He was making it impossible to talk to him.
Eventually, with no other choice, I went to his apartment building using the new car I had meant to return to him. When I entered the foyer, the doorman stepped into my path. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we have strict instructions that you’re not allowed into the building.”
I faltered. He didn’t want to see me. It shouldn’t have hurt but it did.
Feeling dazed, I wandered out of the building and sat down on a nearby bench, trying to figure out what I could do next, but he had cut off every avenue I had already tried. How could I talk to him when he was making it so difficult?
I picked up my phone and called my brother. “Matty,” I said, feeling like the world was crushing down on my shoulders.
“What’s wrong?” he asked softly.
“He won’t see me. How am I supposed to fight for him when he doesn’t want anything to do with me?” I asked, pulling a thread of my skirt.
“I want to be able to help but my hands are tied. He’s keeping me at arm’s length at the moment.” He sighed. “You’re just going to have to wait it out and hope it isn’t too late.”
I ended the call, feeling lost with no direction. I couldn’t make him listen if he didn’t want to.
My brother’s words echoed in my mind: ‘hope it’s not too late. ’
Feeling defeated, I went home and huddled on the couch with a spoon and a tub of ice cream. I had really messed things up so bad. I had let him down just like everyone else in his life. Maybe he deserved someone better than me.
I ate a spoonful of ice cream and I was well into my pity party when my phone rang. It was Sebastian. I contemplated whether to answer it or not. Eventually I did.
“Hi,” I murmured, unable to hide the pain splitting my heart open.