Chapter 29
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
I fought the rise of emotion and I swallowed the painful lump in my throat before I built up the courage to turn around to face Mark.
He was closer, with his hands shoved into the front pockets of his jeans.
“I can’t leave if you won’t unlock the door,” I replied hoarsely, trying the door again. Why was he making this harder?
“I have something I’d like to say,” he said cryptically. I dropped my hand from the door handle.
“Sure,” I murmured. It was only fair.
“I trusted you.” His eyes held mine as I swallowed. Trusted. As in past tense. That ripped something inside my chest. I had well and truly screwed things up between us beyond repair. “And you ran at the first obstacle in our way.”
He wasn’t wrong but it was still hard to hear it.
“I’m sorry.” The words felt like they had little impact.
“I know it doesn’t sound like much but I really am.
” I let out an emotional breath, feeling the sting of tears.
I realized I may not get through my next speech without shedding a few, but I felt I at least owed him the honesty.
“I will always regret what I did but I can’t take it back.” The pain I felt at the loss of him was so strong it winded me. “I’m not an organized person, I’m forgetful, I suck at relationships, but I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.”
I closed my eyes briefly, feeling a tear slide down before I reopened them. His expression was closed off from me. It only reinforced I had already lost him, I had been too late. I hadn’t had a chance at all.
“Did I make a mistake? Yes. And the thing is, if you had been able to forgive me this time, I probably would have screwed things up again at some point.” I couldn’t walk a line where there was no room for that.
Was his expectation of me too high for me to live up to?
“I’m human, I feel, and I make mistakes. ”
I released another emotional breath while he watched. “But maybe you should be asking yourself why you’re unable to forgive me.” I raised my chin slightly. “I made one mistake and you shut the door so quickly I’m wondering if you were just waiting for me to mess things up.”
I had struck a nerve, I could tell by the way his jaw clenched.
It was done and I wanted to leave. Nothing I had said had reached him. I turned back to the door and somehow managed to get it open. There was no sound other than the door closing behind me as I left. My footsteps hurried to the elevator. I wanted out of the building as quickly as possible.
It hurt. I had given it my all but it hadn’t been enough. My chest shook as I sobbed. I hurried out of the building, hating the sympathetic look I received from the doorman.
I sat in my car for a while before I managed to stop crying. Taking a few deep breaths, I got my emotions under control enough to contemplate heading home. I could do this.
I drove back to my apartment, feeling a little more confident in the dark than I had before, even though I was still upset and trying to come to terms with the outcome of my confrontation with Mark.
When I got home, I was agitated and restless.
I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had said to Mark.
It was going around and around in my mind.
I ran a bath and got in, feeling numb. The warmth of the water didn’t ease my broken heart so eventually I got out and wrapped a towel around me.
Feeling lost and alone, I went into the living room and sighed.
I didn’t know how I was going to pick up the pieces and carry on. It felt insurmountable but I had no choice.
For a while I just sat on the sofa, eating ice cream while still only wrapped up in my towel, going through my last confrontation with Mark, trying to pinpoint if I had missed saying something that would have changed the outcome.
But no matter how many times I went through each word and sentence, I couldn’t think of anything that would have made a difference.
There was a sound by my door so I got up to check. I opened the door and peered into the passage but I couldn’t see anything. I stepped out and took a few footsteps but I couldn’t see anyone. I waited for a few moments before I turned to go back inside, when I heard the mechanical lock turn.
“No,” I whispered when I reached to open my door but it had automatically closed behind me.
I looked down to realize I was still only wearing a towel and nothing else.
This couldn’t be happening. I had no way of getting back inside.
My day had just gone from bad to worse. Could something, just one thing, go my way?
I didn’t really know my neighbors well and knocking on any of the doors dressed the way I was held no appeal, but I couldn’t just do nothing. Wasn’t it bad enough my heart had just been shattered into a million pieces, now I needed this embarrassment on top of it all?
“Damn it,” I swore, trying the door again but knowing I was wasting my time .
I wanted to cry I felt so defeated. I rested my head against the door and closed my eyes, fighting my tears of frustration.
“You need some help?” The voice took me by surprise. My head shot up and I saw Mark standing a few feet away.
I should have asked him what he was doing there, but I didn’t care. “Yeah,” I murmured, feeling like I was seeing an apparition and not the real-life version.
This time I was glad to see him even though I felt apprehensive about his reasons for being here.
He reached into his pocket and then moved past me to unlock my door with an app on his phone.
“Thanks,” I said, still dazed at his presence as I opened the door.
I held the towel tighter as the door closed behind us. I wished I had gotten dressed, I felt disadvantaged facing him while wearing practically nothing.
“Why are you here?” I whispered, still feeling so raw from the last time we had spoken only hours before and too scared of hoping what it meant.
“You were right.” He sighed. Gone was the control he had held before. I saw the indecision and nervousness in him as he shifted slightly.
“About what?” I eyed him suspiciously.
“I didn’t give you a chance to explain, I just shut you down.
” He shrugged. “I was just so angry.” He pressed his lips together.
“People have disappointed me my whole life, and I expected you to do the same. That’s why it was so easy for me to try to write you off the second you let me down, but I let you down by not giving you a chance. ”
Maybe some people weren’t meant to be together.
“That still doesn’t tell me why you’re here?” I asked softly, still not allowing myself to hope.
“I thought that was pretty obvious.” He stepped closer, then halted, looking at me with those irresistible eyes. My heart thudded in my chest.
I shook my head. “Not obvious enough.” He hadn’t made it easy for me, so I didn’t see why I had to for him.
“I’m here to say I’m sorry. I should have handled things differently.” He echoed the words I had spoken to him.
“So, we’re both sorry,” I mumbled, hating the unsurety of the whole situation. I shrugged. I had bared my soul to him twice and both times he had shut me out.
“You’re not going to make this easy.” He studied me thoughtfully.
I remained tight-lipped, refusing to acknowledge his perceptiveness.
“I want you.” His intense eyes held mine. “In my bed, in my life. You are the person I want to let in.”
I swallowed, unsure of where he was headed with any of this. “What if we are too messed up for this to work?” I murmured, gripping my towel like a lifeline. So far we hadn’t been off to a great start.
“There are no guarantees.”
My throat burned but I was still too scared to believe him.
“I love you,” he admitted, his eyes glittering with emotion. “You make me want things I thought weren’t for me.”
“Like what?”
“The responsibility of another’s happiness.”
A tear stole down my face while I took in his words. Oh, my God, it felt like all my dreams were coming true and I was overwhelmed. “That’s a lot of responsibility.”
“I promise to never stop trying to be the person worthy of you.”
“You are,” I whispered, unable to move. “You always have been.”
“I think I may have had feelings for you before I even realized it,” he admitted sheepishly. “Worrying about you I also put down to your forgetfulness, but it has always been more than that.”
It was incredible. How long had we both skirted around it before it had become too strong to deny?
“I don’t worry about Sophie like I worry about you.” He took another step to close the distance between us. “You’re the younger sister of my best friend, so I had an excuse to care and watch over you.”
I was still speechless. How many hours, days, years had I spent adoring him when he had been wrestling with the same?
“When you started bringing boyfriends home, it became a little more difficult to keep fooling myself.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I murmured. I thought of Jack and the rest of the boyfriends who hadn’t even come close to meaning as much as he did.
We had wasted so many years.
“Back then I was too messed up.”
“And now?” I ventured.
“I’m a little less messed up.”
God, I wanted to take the risk again but I was scared. The pain was still fresh in my chest. Just half an hour ago I had been in the clutches of the worst pain I had ever experienced.
“What if this happens again? I don’t think I can take it,” I whispered. My heart was still raw. “We haven’t even figured our way through the first hurdle yet.”
“You wanna thrash that out now?” He cocked his head to the side.
I nodded. I had to feel more secure and I believed if we could find our way through it, I would feel more confident.
“I’ve been offered a position I can’t refuse.”
I frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“My grandfather made a request before he died. He asked me to take over his companies.”
My mouth fell open. I couldn’t imagine him doing anything but being a bodyguard although I knew he would succeed at anything he attempted. He just had that savviness about him.
“I don’t want you to give up something you love for me,” I felt I needed to say. I didn’t want him to have regrets later.
“I’m not. Before, when I needed discipline to help me through what happened with Ethan, I needed it more than anything.
In a way, by doing right I was making up for the wrong I had done.
It’s taken years to understand that it was just a terrible accident.
I don’t need the job like I did before.” His mouth curved into a smile, showing off his dimples, and I felt the familiar tug of something in my chest. The warmth eased the pain and I could breathe easier.
“Really?”
He nodded. “Besides, it’s going to be a full-time job watching over you and making sure you don’t lock yourself out of the apartment.”
I smiled. “I’m not that bad.” The truth was I was worse than that. Between misplacing and losing keys, locking myself out of the apartment, forgetting to pay my bills on time and forgetting things in general, he was going to have his hands full.
“You ready to be my full-time knight in shining armor?” I teased, feeling the weight of the world ease from my burdened shoulders.
He grinned. “Yes, I believe I am.”
“Wait till I get older and we throw kids into that mess.” I winked, feeling a surety about him and us that I hadn’t felt before.
He gave me an alarmed look before he smirked slowly. “I can’t wait.”
He stood waiting for me to close the distance. I rushed to him, and he caught me. His strong arms enfolded me as his mouth found mine in a desperate kiss.
I’d missed him so much in the short time we had split. It felt so good to hold him and feel his muscles bunch beneath my hands. He lifted his head, his smile dazzling.
“I missed you,” I whispered, my hands caressing his face tenderly.
“Ditto.” His response made me laugh.
“Don’t you start.” I elbowed him playfully.
As I gazed into his eyes, I knew we would be okay despite the few hiccups we had already experienced. The ache in my heart eased and swelled with the love I felt for him.
“I think it’s time I showed you how sorry I am,” he whispered before capturing my lips with his. I threaded my hands through his silky hair.
“I’m game,” I murmured against his lips.
He picked me up and carried me to my bedroom. Once he set me down on my feet, our mouths fused together, our hands busied with discarding my towel and his clothes. The need to feel him against me was my only goal.
Once he was naked, he tugged me to him and I went to him willingly. He brushed his thumb over my nipple and it hardened while he coaxed my mouth open to delve his tongue to caress mine. I moaned. His scent overpowered my senses and I felt like I was in a freefall.
We had nearly allowed this to slip through our fingers, which made our union that much sweeter than before.
He laid me on the bed and I watched him with anticipation of what was to come.
He got the protection and eased my legs apart to thrust into me.
In ecstasy, I arched my back before he moved to kiss me.
My nipples brushed against his chest as his body slid against mine. The tempo was slow and deliberate.
The only sound was our hard breathing as we reached our peaks at the same time. I groaned and he shuddered into me.
He kissed me, cradling me to him.
“I love you.”
I felt a little teary-eyed. “I love you too. ”
We lay together for a while, enjoying the closeness in the dark.
“I have a few prerequisites,” I murmured before kissing him briefly.
“Anything,” he breathed.
“Your parents are not allowed anywhere near our future kids,” I said.
He nodded. “That goes without saying.” His hands stroked my back gently.
I breathed a little easier. My heart was full and I had finally found the person I could share my life with.