Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
KATERINA
Katerina sat beneath the shrouded stars of their new campsite, the dark forest breathing around her, her gaze scanning the spaces between the trees for threats. She had first watch, but that was no more than a formality. She couldn’t have slept if she tried.
Their horses had taken flight, lost gods knew where. They would have to go the rest of the way to the Magiya on foot—which might be for the best, since the mountain passes were likely too steep and unsteady to ride.
The others slept; Katerina spared a glance for Ana, curled close to the fire, looking innocent in repose—nothing like the woman who’d had her hands around Katerina’s neck two weeks ago.
Why had Ana’s magic failed her in battle tonight?
Terror could do such a thing to a Dimi, like what had happened to Katerina when Gadreel had killed her mother.
But Katerina had been a child. Ana was an adult woman, in her prime.
There had to be more to it, and whatever the answers were, Katerina was sure she wouldn’t like them.
Nausea swirled in her gut; the potatoes and hares they’d planned for dinner had been obliterated in the demon attack, and the anxiety that knotted her stomach made food less than appealing.
Still, she’d used a lot of her magic, and if she didn’t eat something soon, she’d start to draw on Niko’s lifeforce to sustain herself.
Already she felt that strange sense of disorientation again, as if her body were not her own.
Each time she breathed, her lungs filled with layered, complex scents: the mulch of the forest floor; the trace of ashes on her companions’ skin; a strange, burnt-amber aroma she couldn’t quite place.
Perhaps she had already asked too much of Niko. Perhaps, as she’d worried when they escaped Rivki, she was perceiving the world through his senses. How else could she explain it?
Sighing, she dug in a pocket for the dried meat she’d been eating to sustain herself on the road. It would make her thirsty, but beggars couldn’t be choosers.
Behind Ana, Alexei slept sitting up against a tree, his blade clutched in his hand. Sofi and Damien dozed beneath the canopy of rowans they’d found to shelter them; like Alexei, Damien gripped his blade, prepared to defend them at a moment’s notice.
Alexei had the next watch. She didn’t want to wake him prematurely with her restlessness.
Nor did she want to disturb her Shadow, who slept a proper distance away from her, mumbling in his sleep.
He had been glorious tonight, ripping their attackers apart in a whirl of teeth and blades and, yes, his shades.
But the shades had fought on their side.
Never had she felt threatened by them, not even when Niko had been lost to them, their uncanny black flames filling his eyes.
He’d wielded them to slay every hound in the clearing, until the survivors fled back into the rift, sealing it behind them.
It was Ana who had nearly set fire to her own Shadow.
Ana whose flames Katerina had had to quench.
And yet she had had the audacity to cast aspersions on Niko, before the demons had come. How was he supposed to believe that he was still a warrior for the Light, if even their allies questioned his loyalty?
“No,” he murmured in his sleep. His next words came low, masked by the crackle of the flames, but Katerina was listening for all she was worth, and she could make out each vicious syllable.
“You can make me crawl to you, but you can’t make me love you.
I will never be yours. And I’ll die twice before I let you touch her. ”
Katerina froze.
He was dreaming of Elena, damn her.
To the Underworld with all of his principles. She rose to her feet and crossed the clearing to him, shaking him by the shoulder. “Niko,” she murmured. “Wake up.”
One moment, her Shadow was asleep. The next, he’d leapt into a crouch, knife in hand, his hair tousled and his eyes wild.
They darted from left to right, assessing the clearing for threats.
A low growl rumbled in his throat, and his shades flared at his fingertips, twining around the blessed metal of his blade.
Katerina stared at him, nonplussed. He was trained to wake at the slightest provocation, but he’d never come to consciousness like this, ready to slaughter a threat when none existed.
Nor had he ever glared at her as if he didn’t recognize her.
As if she’d come within a hairsbreadth of feeling the sharp edge of his blade against her throat.
He blinked once, then again. A second later, he was on his feet, shame washing across his face. He straightened, stalked from the campsite, and was gone.
“You should go after him.” It was Alexei, his voice a quiet murmur.
Katerina turned. Her Shadow’s former second’s eyes were fixed on the place where Niko had disappeared between the trees. His muscles were tensed, but his voice was slow, even.
This was the way a Shadow was supposed to awaken. Alert, focused. Not possessed by whatever stalked his dreams, finding its insidious way into the waking world.
How much had Alexei heard? How much had he seen, before he’d spoken? Had he been awake the whole time?
Katerina had a sinking feeling that the answer was yes.
“W-what?” she managed.
“Go after him, Katerina.” Alexei sighed. “I’ve got next watch, anyhow. And he won’t listen to anyone but you.”
Katerina wanted to tell him that Niko wouldn’t listen to her, either.
But every moment that she dallied in this clearing was a moment that Niko was out there in the forest, with the Darkness bubbling from the ground and the ghosts of his past haunting him.
So instead, she just muttered, “Thank you,” and followed her Shadow into the woods.
She didn’t have to go far. He’d made it as far as a craggy spire of rock that marked the beginning of the Eastern range and was pacing back and forth in front of it, blade still gripped in his hand and eyes fixed on the ground. He heard her coming, though, and whirled to face her.
“You shouldn’t have come,” he said.
“Oh, shut up.” Katerina sighed, exasperated. “You’re quite right. It’s a far better idea to leave you to your own devices, stalking back and forth until you wear a hole in the dirt. Who knows, maybe you can carve a path back to the Underworld all by yourself and spare Elena the trouble.”
His dark gaze fixed on her. “That’s not funny.”
“It’s not meant to be! For Saints’ sake, Niko, we’re in this together. Would you stop acting like we’re on opposite sides of this war?”
“Would you stop acting as if it’s safe to be near me?” he snapped. “You woke me up, and I nearly slit your throat.”
“You didn’t hurt me. You would never hurt me.” She kept her voice quiet, soothing, as she moved toward him. “And you saved us all tonight, as I said.”
“At what cost?” he retorted. “Every time I use my shades, even in service of the Light, it gnaws away at my soul a little more. This only has one end, Katya.”
At the use of her nickname, Katerina softened.
“I need you to believe that’s not true,” she said, coming to a halt in front of him.
“I need you to believe in the possibility that we walk away from this with everything we ever wanted. A free Iriska. A banished Darkness. A world where Elena and the demons are no longer a threat, and we can be together.”
His lips curled in the facsimile of a smile. “You want me to believe in a fantasy.”
“No.” She stood straight, tilting her head back to look him in the eye. “I want you to believe in us.”
Her Shadow sucked in a sharp breath. “That’s the only thing I believe in.”
“You don’t. Because believing in us means believing in me. It means trusting me.”
“I do trust you. It’s me I don’t trust, for Saints’ sake!”
“Well, I trust you.” What could she say or do to make him believe he was worthy of it? How could she prove it to him?
“You shouldn’t,” he started to say, but Katerina had had quite enough. She stood on her tiptoes, giving him every opportunity to back up before she brushed her lips over his.
“You can trust this,” she told him. “For I would never hurt you, either.”
Niko froze beneath her touch, but he didn’t pull away. “Please,” he whispered, and Katerina wasn’t sure he was talking to her.
“I’m yours,” she told him. “Take what you need from me.”
He reached for her, his fingers trembling as they closed on her hips. “You shouldn’t say that,” he told her. “You have no idea what I need. What I want to do to you right now.”
Katerina’s heart hammered. Above them, the clouds scudded across the moon, plunging them into darkness. Behind Niko, the spire of rock loomed, a dim monolith against the backdrop of the swaying trees. “I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me?” she managed.
Her Shadow ignored her feeble attempt at humor.
Instead, he ran his hands through his hair, his jaw clenched with frustration.
“I’m in pieces, Katerina, don’t you understand?
Inside you, I feel whole. I crave it. I need it.
But I made a promise. I swore to you on my blade.
I will never touch you against your will, the way I—”
He broke off his sentence, but he didn’t have to finish it. Katerina had already intuited as much, gods damn Elena Lisova to the Void and back.
“Niko.” She linked her hands behind his neck and drew him down to her. “If you want me, you can have me. I give myself to you freely, with one caveat.”
“What?” He murmured the question against her lips, tugging her closer as if by instinct. The length of him pressed against her, hard and ready, and she caught her breath.
“You tell me what to do. Nothing will happen here that you don’t want. You’re in control, and all I want is to make you happy—to make you feel. Only tell me to stop, and I will.”
“It’s not you I’m worried about!”
“Well, good, then. Because I can take care of myself. And I’m not afraid of you.” She freed one of her hands and cupped his face: the silvered scar, the plush black stubble. He leaned into her touch, as if he couldn’t help himself.
“You should be. Because my Light is stained with Darkness,” he whispered, one finger tracing the length of her spine, “and my desire darker still.”
Katerina took a deep breath of the nighttime air of the forest, edged with the smoke of the rowan-fire, and fought the urge to shiver. “Do you truly see no way out?” she said, her voice breaking. “Do you believe we’re doomed?”
“Not you.” The answer came quick and sharp-edged, as if anything else were unthinkable. “But as for me…two paths are left to me, Katerina. Revenge and ruin.”
Maybe it was the finality of his tone. Maybe it was what they’d endured, how they’d almost died tonight.
Or maybe it was just the weight of all they carried, the impossibility of their quest. Either way, Katerina couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
They spilled down her cheeks, and Niko brushed them away with his thumbs, his touch gentle.
“Don’t cry, Katya.” His head lowered, his lips brushing the tender spot at the base of her throat, where the blood beat hot and fast beneath her skin. “I can’t take it.”
“Don’t push me away,” she pleaded. “Make love to me. Make both of us feel whole.”
His gaze flickered to her face, frustration warring with desire in the depths of his eyes. “Saints, you don’t think I want to? You don’t think it’s all I think about, when I’m not trying to figure out how to save Iriska?”
“How would I know?” she shot back, choking down a sob. “You say you do, but then treat me like I’m coated in Grigori venom. Like I’m your enemy, rather than the Darkness.”
“The Darkness stirs within me! I am your enemy, don’t you understand? Whether I want to be or not, I’m everything you’re sworn to destroy. And it’s killing me, Katya. It’s killing me.”
Her gaze raked over his face, taking in the unmistakable torment that raged in his gray eyes. A storm is coming, she thought. Perhaps it’s already here. How will we stand against it?
She must have projected the thought through their bond, because Niko lifted her chin, forcing her to meet his eyes. “For once, we agree. But there is no we. For I am the storm.”
Katerina’s heart sank at the resignation in his voice, as if he’d already given up fighting. She stepped back, out of his reach, and he let her go.
“You should walk away from me,” he told her. “You should run. But first, there is one last service I need you to do for me.”
“I’m not running anywhere,” she told him, straightening her spine and injecting her tone with every bit of determination she possessed. “But as for a service, you know there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Tell me your wish, and if it’s within my power to grant it, it will be yours.”
Her Shadow squared his shoulders and met her gaze head-on. “I need you to kill me.”