Chapter 13 Alessa
Alessa
One minute I was ready to kill Ryder, and then his hard body was sliding against mine.
We are like two magnets being drawn together without the hope of fighting it.
I’m so pissed at myself for the look on his face when I told him I loved Leo.
The look in his eyes ripped my heart out.
I don’t want to hurt Ryder, but he needs to know the truth.
I hear the patio door open and hastily wipe away the tears rolling down my face without looking to see who it is.
Watching from the corner of my eye, I see Dex fold his large frame onto the lounge chair by the pool beside mine. My eyes meet his, and he frowns, his face becoming thunderous.
“Who the fuck made you cry?”
I laugh without humor. “Myself.” I angrily wipe the tears that won’t stop falling. “What’s wrong with me?”
“You’re human, Les. Talk to me.” I shake my head, and the tears start falling harder. I can feel a sob trying to bubble out, causing Dex to look at me in panic and go to stand. “I’ll go get one of the other guys.”
My hand shoots out and grabs his arm. “No. Please don’t.” He sits back down, and I move my hand when I see him tense up. “Stay.”
“I can’t give you what you need right now,” he says so softly I barely hear him with his already raspy voice.
“Just sit with me?” I ask. “Then we can talk.”
He looks at me skeptically but nods his head, leaning back in the chair and kicking his legs up. I bought the biggest ones I could find so he could fit with his giant stature, but his feet still almost hung off the end.
I try to gather my thoughts so I could talk to Dex.
I know he’ll listen without judgment because he always has.
Would he about this, though? I’ve made so many wrong choices over the last couple of months.
Am I still making them by hooking up with Leo and Gage?
Leo and I still haven’t worked through everything.
But I won’t even try to deny how good it felt or how freeing it was to let myself feel what my body has been begging for.
The more I get involved in this, I realize Gage is right.
I want them all, and things are already falling apart with Ryder.
There is no way he can share me. He’s made that clear without even having to say it.
His face earlier said it all. What about Holden?
He seems so innocent. How would it be fair to bring him into some unconventional relationship?
He deserves a woman that spends every minute doting on him.
How can I do that when I’m trying to entertain four other guys?
And Dex. He doesn’t like to be touched by anyone at all.
I can’t even get by with it most of the time.
Every time I slip up and do, this haunted look crosses his eyes like he is being sucked back to that place where Frankie’s guys tortured him for weeks before dumping him in front of the gate, beaten to shit, and bleeding out.
The light went out in his eyes and never turned back on after that night.
I always wondered why he stuck by my side after that.
Dad would have let him leave, no questions asked, but Dex wouldn’t budge.
He healed physically but never did mentally.
He functions fine, his mind sharp, his body stronger than ever, but with one wrong touch, he withdraws in on himself unless he’s causing someone pain.
It hurts to watch because he used to be so open with affection.
I would know. I would sneak around with him, falling more and more in love with him as the days went by.
He would kiss you without care and hug you like he was holding you together.
That Dex seems to be gone, and I don’t know if I can get him back.
I’ve tried for years, and there’s no sign of him.
The night he disappeared, I thought I was going to fall apart.
It was the first mission my dad let me go on because I wouldn’t stop begging.
We turned this city upside down looking for him.
Dad issued threats to anyone we thought was involved, even going as far as burning down one of Frankie’s bars.
Frankie sent his final message when he dumped Dex off with a bleeding knife wound straight down his face.
Dex said Frankie did it himself in the car before they pushed him out.
I helped him heal as I was the only one he would let change his bandages, then he pushed me away, and nothing I could do would bring him back.
That’s when I fell into a wild, inappropriate affair with Zane. Nope, not going there.
Then there’s the unresolved stuff with Leo.
But can I be mad? I omitted truths too. He may have known who I was going in, but I never told him myself.
He sure as hell don’t know I’m the Black Demon.
How would he even react to that? He has to know that in this life, we kill people for the family, but snatching someone off the street to murder is different. Isn’t it?
Shaking my head to rid myself of those thoughts, I look over at Dex’s profile, running my eyes down the massive scar.
It doesn’t take an ounce away from how attractive Dex is.
He has a mess of thick brown hair, these weirdly beautiful gray eyes that used to tell me everything he was thinking, pouty lips that would make any woman jealous that felt so good against mine, and a beautiful smile, when he uses it, which is rare these days.
He has tattoos covering every inch of his skin, from his neck to his knuckles.
“What are you looking at?” he asks without ever looking my way, just staring at the water in the pool.
“You,” I tell him honestly, and he turns his eyes on me.
“Why?” he asks with a frown.
I shrug. “You’re hot, Dex. Get over it,” I reply, trying to keep my tone joking so he doesn’t spook.
He shakes his head, and I know he doesn’t see what I see.
The night he pushed me away was the first and last time he ever raised his voice at me.
He yelled at me that there was no way I would want a scarred, fucked up freak like him and to get out of his face.
No matter how much I cried and told him that wasn’t true, he just pushed harder.
Shutting me out so much, I finally took the hint and left him alone.
“You never did believe me after that night,” I say softly.
“No,” he says but doesn’t comment further, and I sigh, laying my head back on the lounge chair. “You ready to tell me what’s going on with you?”
“I feel like I’m losing control, Dex.”
“What do you mean?” I hear him shift and know he sat up.
“Stupid decision after stupid decision.”
“Are you talking about Leo, or did something else happen?” I see him swing his legs over the lounge chair to face me fully, leaning his elbows on his knees.
“Everything happened.”
“Ok. Let’s start with Leo. The only reason you’re mad at him is that you were on the receiving end of what happened.
Yeah, he lied, and that’s fucked up, but we’ve done worse to make alliances with people.
Don’t pretend we haven’t. Work your shit out with him or let him go,” Dex says in a rush, like he was just waiting to say it.
“Wow, Dexton. Tell me how you really feel,” I say sarcastically. I can feel his glare on the side of my head.
“You didn’t come to me for coddling. You came to me for the truth. What else happened?” I don’t point out he came to me; I know what he means.
“Leo. Gage. Ryder.” Holden. I leave that one out because I haven’t completely crossed the line with him. Yet. “You name it.”
“Rewind. What happened since yesterday?”
I turn my head to look at him. I need to see his expression to know I’m beating myself up for the right reasons. “I slept with Gage and Leo last night.” His face doesn’t change, just raises a brow. “Together,” I add, just in case he didn’t get it.
“Okay,” he says slowly, making me frown. What does that mean?
“I was just dry-humped and half naked with Ryder in the gym.” He still doesn’t change his expression. Just keeps looking at me I’m crazy. “Then I told him he had to stop because I loved Leo, and he couldn’t have me all to himself.” That gets his attention, causing both his brows to shoot up.
“Ah,” he nods. “I get it now.”
I throw my hands up when he doesn’t elaborate. “I’m glad someone does because I sure as fuck don’t.”
“You aren’t upset you slept with Leo and Gage. You are upset because you hurt Ryder.”
“I hurt Ryder because I slept with Leo and Gage,” I say with exasperation. Are we not having the same conversation?
“Ryder knows where you stand?” he asks, and I nod. “Then that’s on him. It’s not like you weren’t upfront about it.” How the hell is he making this seem so simple? Now I’m getting pissed again.
“I want Gage and Leo.” Dex just looks at me.
“And Ryder.” He shrugs. Grrrr. “And Holden.” He looks at me harder then just shrugs again.
All right, asshole. “And you.” He sits up ramrod straight and freezes like that.
Not the way I wanted to tell him, but there it is.
It serves him right for his nonverbal reactions.
“What?” he croaks, and I roll my eyes so hard I see the back of my skull.
“Come on, Dexton. We had something once. Don’t act like you forgot what it was like.” We never slept together. There were too many obstacles with him living at the house at that point. But it was going there fast; then he was taken. “I want you all as mine.”
He stands up and paces two steps away before swinging back around. “That’s not possible.”
“Why not?”
He rubs the back of his neck, the first sign he’s two seconds away from freaking out. “You have all of them. You don’t need,” he gestures towards his face, “me.”
I stand up and walk until I’m standing right in front of him, careful not to touch him.
“I do need you. All of you. I don’t care about the scars, Dex.
I only care about what happened for you to get them.
The scars don’t make you the man you are.
” I stab my finger into his chest over his heart fast before I move it. “That does. "
I see so many emotions cross his face that it’s not even funny. “Les, I...”
“Save it,” I cut him off. “I already know what you’re going to say.
I didn’t forget what you said to me that night, but that doesn’t change how I feel or what I want.
” I shake my head, watching him shut me out again.
“And what I want is all of you.” I start to walk away and hear him suck in a breath.
I slow, hoping I finally broke that wall of his.
“You don’t get what it was like,” he says hoarsely, and I whirl around.
“I don’t?” I say through gritted teeth. “I don’t get what it’s like to be touched without my permission?”
“That’s not what I meant!” He runs his hand through his hair. “You recovered, Les.”
I have no idea what my face looks like, but his eyes widen.
“Recovered? Do you mean sleeping with anything with a dick? Oh, or do you mean murdering rapists? Or do you mean the current predicament of wanting five different guys?” My voice is rising with each word, so I take a deep breath and quote my therapist. I didn’t see her after she said this either.
“Sometimes young girls who are raped or molested at a young age turn to sex with multiple partners to deal with the trauma.” I laugh without humor.
“I guess the old bitch was right. Look at me fucking thriving.”
I take one step away, and his hand latches onto my arm. It shocks me so badly that all the anger drains out of me. His fingers squeeze my arm gently before he drops it like it burned him.
“She was wrong,” he says softly. “You dealt with it the way you needed to, and we all deal with shit in fucked up ways. You shouldn’t live your life because of what that bitch said or what Ryder thinks. Live your life for you, Baby girl.”
My heart leaps into my throat. He hasn’t called me baby girl since our last good time together.
It used to make me melt into a puddle at his feet like it is now, but this time I know I’m getting my hopes up for nothing.
“That includes a very different version of all of us. That life includes you, Dex.” I finally reach the door, and Dex still hasn’t moved.
“Tell them I’m going out and not to follow me.
” I slam the door shut behind me, done with this day.
I woke up this morning happy, fulfilled, and hopeful.
Now I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and I’m kicking myself for even thinking this could work.
It's time to take things back to how they used to be.
Friends.