Chapter 11 #2
“I’m not torn up about—”
“But also, it’s weird you didn’t mention I was going to be used as some sort of pawn.
It’s also weird Stevie didn’t mention you’re just out of a relationship, since I told her I was divorced and looking to date,” Shawn said.
The lightness had drained from his voice completely.
“It’s snowy and cold so I’ll still take you home, but I think that’s about it.
Well, unless you want to hook up later. But emotionally…
you are a mess.” His eyes flicked to the wine stain on Jasper’s sweater.
“I’m too old to get involved in this sort of thing long term. ”
“I’m not—” Jasper started again, but he couldn’t find any ending to that sentence that was both truthful and not humiliating. “No, yeah. That’s fair. It’s probably not fun to attend a Christmas party with a guy who hasn’t figured out how to be normal around his ex. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. Okay, thanks.”
They looked at each other sympathetically, just for a moment as something soft passed between them. Then, Jasper spotted a slight strain along the edge of Shawn’s mouth, holding back a smile. Jasper broke first, letting out a bark of laughter that set Shawn off too.
“Hey, Terrance is cute, huh?” Jasper said, nudging Shawn’s arm.
Shawn shrugged one shoulder. “Sure. And he did seem abnormally interested in the history of mulling spices.”
Winnie was showing Ryan her schedule for spring term, and he was doing his best to pay attention, but if he stood at the exact right angle, he could see Jasper standing by the cheese table. He was looking at cheese, talking to Shawn and Terrance, laughing.
Ryan was so focused he didn’t even notice Winnie had stopped talking until she sighed loud enough for him to look up.
“Stop staring at him, creep.”
Ryan scoffed. “I’m not a creep. I’m just making sure he’s okay. With Shawn.”
“Right. Making sure he’s okay with the sweetest guy at the party. Noble of you.”
“What? I’m not allowed to care about him anymore?”
Winnie rolled her eyes. “You want to know why I don’t want a relationship? Stuff like this. Look at yourself! Pull yourself together, man.”
Ryan glanced down at his outfit—a tasteful forest green sweater and black jeans, new boots Beni helped him pick out. “What’s wrong with my look?”
“Oh my God.” She sat on the edge of her bed and sighed.
Ryan took one more look through the door. Shawn and Jasper looked more relaxed than they had all night, and it churned in his stomach like lava. It was bad enough to be in the same room as them when it was clear Jasper was miserable. This was different, and worse.
“It just feels shitty,” he said. He wasn’t sure why he was talking to Winnie about this. She was sixteen, not exactly someone who could offer him the gift of experience or understanding. But she was a good kid. Empathetic. She’d probably pity him, if nothing else. That might be nice.
“Yeah, of course it does. But that’s what happens when you refuse to stop seeing him. Have you thought about not seeing him anymore?”
“How could I? We’d have to schedule holidays, vacations, family events.
And… I don’t know, I’d rather see him on a date with someone else than never see him again.
” The thought turned his stomach. “I just wish he hadn’t brought him here.
The Christmas party is sacred! We met at your mom’s Christmas party. And he left me, so he owes me that.”
She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. “Whoa, whoa. He owes you?”
“Yes!”
“He owes you jack shit.”
Ryan turned away from the door to face her. “Excuse me?”
“I understand you’re hurt. I get that seeing him tonight has been hard.
But you know what else is hard? Seeing Uncle Jasper lonely on holidays.
Helping him last summer when he sprained his ankle and couldn’t get to the chicken coop without hobbling his way across the lawn.
Pretending not to notice he’d been crying in the bathroom when we went out for his promotion dinner.
He’s been alone for years. You’ve only been alone for two months. ”
He didn’t even know Ryan sprained his ankle. How could he miss something like that?
“How can you nurture a relationship if you spend no time together? Can you honestly say you’re surprised he moved on?” she asked.
“Yes! I can! I know I was gone a lot, but I was doing it for us,” he said. He wasn’t sure why he was defending himself to a child. “I’m forty-four years old and retired. We never have work again if we don’t want to. I thought we were on the same page.”
“It’s easy to say that when you’re a big star, living your dream life. You were catered to and celebrated three hundred days a year. It’s harder when you’re a high school principal whose biggest dream was to run a hobby farm with you.”
Ryan huffed. “Everybody thinks my life was so easy. It wasn’t. I destroyed my body. Did you know I’m an inch shorter than I was ten years ago because of how much I abused my spine?”
Winnie shrugged. “No. Did you know Jasper got Lyme disease last summer and had to be on antibiotics for a month?”
“No,” Ryan said, eyes prickling out of nowhere.
“I didn’t. He didn’t tell me.” He didn’t say anything else while Winnie sorted through the papers in her desk, searching for something she needed for school.
He stared at her, wishing he’d been there for more of her milestones, too.
Getting her driver’s license. Healing from her first heartbreak. Growing taller than her mom.
She pulled a paper out of a stack. “Found it!”
Beni pushed the door open slowly and grinned when she saw the two of them. “There you guys are! Hey, Secret Santa is starting! Let’s go. I want to see what Stevie gave. I bet it rules.”
Stevie and Beni’s party always had a gift exchange, and it was always a good time.
Everybody brought something from their home that had lost its magic, the idea being that a new home and owner would replenish it and give the item a new life.
Cheesy, sure, but… cute. Plus, over the years, he’d ended up with a set of crampons, a nice homemade blanket, and about a million other things he kept tucked away at the house or his Boston apartment, so he was genuinely excited to see what this year’s gift was.
Beni handed out the gifts from the coffee table pile, humming under her breath as she worked her way through the group.
Their ground rules included total anonymity and no stealing, making the game slightly less intense.
Not that it mattered. Ryan wasn’t paying much attention.
His eyes kept drifting to Jasper, despite his efforts to stop, because he and Shawn had remained cozy enough to be sharing an ottoman as a seat, laughing at the wrapping paper on the gifts they’d received.
“Donna, this one is for you, I’ve decided.” Beni dropped a small gift into the lap of the woman sitting next to Ryan. He used the opportunity to focus on that, rather than the blooming romance across from him.
“Beautiful wrapping paper,” the woman said. She peeled off the tape in bits, the entire process of unwrapping taking an unreasonably long time. Finally, she held up her prize.
“A… Wow, a gorgeous watch?” she said, turning it over in her hands. “This seems over the value limit, doesn’t it?”
Everybody laughed. Not Ryan. He recognized that watch—he’d given it to Jasper as a gift years ago. Jasper had never worn it, but Ryan had chalked that up to it not being Jasper’s taste, too heavy for his more streamlined style. But still, it had been a gift. A very expensive one.
Ryan’s eyes shot to Jasper, whose own eyes were wide and clouded with guilt.
He didn’t even think before he stood from his seat and walked through the kitchen so he could get outside, hoping the cold air might slow the bile rising in his throat.
It did, for a moment—until the door creaked open behind him and Jasper emerged, dragging everything Ryan was avoiding out with him.
“Ryan,” Jasper said.
Ryan turned. Just his head at first, but when he realized Jasper was standing there, his whole body shifted to face him but said nothing.
“It’s cold. Aren’t you chilly?”
Jasper was wearing his heavy wool coat. It was a pea coat Ryan bought in Europe somewhere.
He couldn’t even remember what country it was from, because CWA’s international tours were packed full of meet and greets and interviews and matches, and their time off was chaperoned and planned so precisely he never really got to experience the different cities they visited.
That day, though, he’d managed to sneak away with Micah to a shop they’d passed on a run.
Ryan had stopped mid-stride to stare at the coat through the front window, the color and cut so perfectly tailored it was almost like Jasper himself was standing there instead of the mannequin.
He’d given one of the personal shoppers Jasper’s measurements, which he’d memorized from countless special appearances, and asked her to pack up the coat and ship it straight home.
It was a beautiful coat. One that looked even nicer when it was wrapped around Jasper’s tight body.
“I’m fine,” Ryan said. It was cold, but he felt a bit sick and sweaty from being inside around a lot of people unknowingly celebrating another nail in the coffin of his relationship. The fresh air helped. Or, it had, until now. “Your date seems nice.”
Jasper looked at his feet and shrugged. “He’s not—”
Ryan scoffed.
“Shawn is a nice guy,” Jasper said.
“Sure.”
“You look tired.”
Ryan huffed out a laugh. “Thanks.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean you look bad. You just look exhausted.”
“Well…” Ryan said. “Yeah. I haven’t been sleeping well.”
Inside, there was an eruption of laughter—probably unrelated to the awkward and painful situation Ryan and Jasper had found themselves in, but it felt pointed.
“You know, I almost didn’t come to the party,” Jasper said.
“Yeah. Me too, but Beni said I wasn’t allowed to stay home and mope anymore.”