Chapter Five
Billie
Thursday
I spend the night in my room, tossing and turning. Then I go through the motions of getting myself ready for the day, chatting with colleagues, giving my talk.
Somehow, I manage to be in the world, professional, friendly, seemingly calm, while all my feelings, beneath the heavy lid of composure, roil painfully in my gut.
I remember Seth, completely naked before me, pleading, begging. I wanted so much to fall into his arms, it would have been so easy, so easy to say to him, take me, hold me, love me.
But no. Not again.
My talk goes well. Edie, Javi, and Seth are all there to support me. Seth sits in the back and gives me a smile and a thumbs up before I start. I feel his unwavering gaze on me the whole time and it makes the back of my neck sweat.
****
Edie approaches me during a coffee break and gives me a side hug.
“Nice talk,” she says. “Notice how I could say that, given I actually came to yours,” she adds with a wink.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I—”
“I’m just teasing,” she says. “I know how it goes. So how is it? You and Seth?”
“I don’t know... It’s complicated.”
Seth is still in the back, talking to a couple of people I know from Germina-TE and Schmertzz.
Edie frowns. “What’s complicated?”
I shrug because I can’t answer. All I know is that everything feels confusing. And heavy. So heavy.
“It’s almost time for lunch,” Edie says, putting her hand on my shoulder. The knot within me loosens a bit under my friend’s supportive touch. “Let’s skip the last part of the session and you can tell me everything.”
****
Edie sucks on her straw, hot pink and bendy and somehow the exact shade of her hair.
“Everything you’ve told me sounds like you had a great time,” she says.
“I did... And now it’s time to go back to my life.”
“Are you going to see each other long distance?”
“I think I might be open to that,” I say, feeling my shoulders slump, “but that’s not enough for Seth.”
She raises an eyebrow. “So what does he want?”
“He wants to move to Raleigh and date, I guess.”
Edie pauses for a moment. “And you don’t want him to do that?”
“I can’t ask him to do that.”
“But you’re not asking. He’s offering.” Her expression is dead serious, which is very unlike her and it’s making me anxious.
“It’s the same thing. I can’t ask him to do something I wouldn’t do. Or at least what I wouldn’t do again. And I definitely wouldn’t do it right now, with my divorce so fresh. I know how it feels to have to mold your life to someone else’s vision for yourself.”
Edie leans back in her chair and crosses her arms. “You don’t want to do to Seth what you feel Doug did to you.”
I nod.
“Only, the difference is that Seth is a grown man. He’s offering this. He’s not a high school girl who was so grateful to be chosen that she spent way too long with a guy who didn’t deserve her.”
I wince.
Edie reaches across the table and grabs my hand.
“Billie, you know it’s true. You never had anything in common with Doug.
But like many smart, nerdy women—myself included—you saw yourself as dorky and unattractive, so you were grateful for Doug’s attention and stayed with him way longer than you should have .
.. because you felt you couldn’t do better. Years after you outgrew him.”
My heart jolts at the truth in her words. It’s the truth I’d never wanted to hear, the truth I’d long hidden from myself, the truth I only allowed myself to ponder when I felt so alone in my marriage that I began to imagine a life beyond Doug.
The truth that was clearly obvious to everyone. The truth that slides so easily from Edie’s lips.
“But I loved Doug,” I whisper, a weak attempt at pushback. I’ve used this same line on myself many times: to justify staying, to justify having stayed... To justify wasting so much time.
“I know you did,” Edie says softly. “It doesn’t change the fact he was not a good match for who you grew into after high school. For who you have become.”
I let Edie’s words wash over me. They are the words I’ve kept close to my heart, words that helped me stay firm about my divorce when my family, Doug’s family, and everyone else I knew back home insisted I was a selfish girl making a huge mistake.
Over the lunch of soup and sandwiches with a side of her trademark bluntness, Edie helps give me closure. The type of validation that I’d never gotten from anyone else close to me. Because, to her, I’ve never been weak or foolish. She met me as I started to come into myself.
As did Seth.
“Tell me, do you like him?” Edie asks.
“Seth? Of course I like him.”
“You know what I mean.”
I give her a haughty look, and she giggles. But I don’t have it in me to pretend to be offended.
“Yes, I like him. A lot.”
“So what’s the problem?
I sigh and clutch my water bottle. “He said he loved me.”
“And? Are you telling me this is really news to you? Or that his love is bad news somehow?”
Edie appears completely unfazed while I feel a rising wave of panic. How is everyone so okay with the idea of Seth and me? Like all the pieces are falling into place, like something inevitable is finally here. And all I feel is terror; bone-deep, heart-stopping terror.
“But what ... what if it doesn’t work out?” My voice quavers.
“With Seth?” Edie shrugs. “But what if it does?”
“I am thirty and already divorced.”
“All the more reason not to wait too long to jump back in.”
“I don’t want to divorce again.”
My friend’s face softens. She puts her crossed forearms on the table and leans toward me. “Forget marriage. Do you want to date him? Or anyone?”
I nod.
“Do you want to see what’s out there, play the field a bit since you’re newly single?”
I sigh. “Not really. It’s rough out there, on the apps. And I don’t think I’m meant for casual sex.”
“Do you feel like you’re ready to date?”
“I think I am.”
“But?”
I wish I could somehow hide from Edie’s knowing eyes.
“I feel torn,” I say, my palms up like I’m about to put things in them.
“On the one hand, I’m finally single, finally in control of my life.
I should be alone and enjoy it.” I bounce my upturned left palm slightly, as if the weight of my singledom is pressing down on it.
“On the other hand”—my right palm bobs under the fictitious weight of my woes—“I’m lonely and I’m not a person for casual sex. I want to have a partner.”
Edie shrugs. “Well, that all sounds reasonable to me. But I still don’t understand what you’re feeling for Seth.”
“I don’t think I understand it, either.”
“Okay, let’s try to figure it out. But you have to be honest, okay?”
I nod, smiling. “Okay.”
“Are you physically attracted to Seth?”
“Yes.” My assuredness makes Edie smile.
“How much?”
I frown. “I don’t know. A lot?”
“Were you attracted to him in grad school?”
I feel a pang of guilt, like I’m about to betray Doug. Retroactively.
Edie presses on. “Remember, be honest.”
I throw my hands up. “Yes. I was, okay? I’ve always been very attracted to him.”
“That’s what I thought.” Edie’s mouth stretches in a self-satisfied smirk. “Now, how about the things you have in common?”
“Well, we’re colleagues, so we have our profession in common. And we have a similar sense of humor, so we’ve always had fun together. We also used to like similar games and books. I thought we were very good friends in grad school.”
“Okay. How about what you think of him as a person? Is he solid? Honest, hard-working, loyal? Do you respect him?”
“Yes. He’s one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met. Patient and kind and thoughtful. He was like that even when he was young.”
Edie watches me thoughtfully, a small smile hovering on her lips. “Please tell me why you wouldn’t date this wonderful man, with whom you have a lot in common, and to whom you are wildly attracted? Especially when he seems more than ready to give you the world.”
I start trembling. At first it’s imperceptible, but I can’t help it, the lid is off and all the emotions are pouring out, raw and messy and overwhelming. I fear they’ll pull me under.
Because he is. He’s ready to give me the world. And I want it. I want to let him give it to me. But even letting myself want it feels terrifying.
“Billie?” Edie watches me expectantly.
I return her gaze, but my throat suddenly shuts.
She pushes. “Why can’t you date Seth?”
I know it. I can feel it. I cannot say it. I plead to Edie with my eyes, hoping she’ll somehow read my mind and not make me form words. Because I try to swallow, but I can’t. My mouth is desert-dry, my throat impassable.
“You feel you’re not good enough for him. Is that it?” Edie finally says.
Her words hit me in the plexus, and I finally exhale.
“I don’t deserve him, Edie. He’s ... everything a girl like me could ever want.”
She grabs my hand. “Oh, Billie. Of course you deserve him. You’re both equally wonderful. Just perfect for each other. Trust me.”
“He says he loves me. How ... how can he love me?”
Edie grabs my other hand and squeezes them both. “Because he knows you, Billie. Of course he loves you. He’s loved you for years, and somehow you’re the only one who hasn’t noticed that.”
I am shaking now, right in the middle of a sandwich-shop chain, with balled-up paper napkins and sourdough crumbs before me. I shake as my good friend grips my fingers to keep me grounded while I try and process my feelings.
“I’m so scared, Edie,” I barely whisper. “Scared he’ll wake up and walk away.”
“He won’t.”
“But he could...”
“He could, but he won’t. You could also walk away from him, too. Don’t you think he’s scared of that?”
I swallow. “I ... I never thought of that. That I could hurt him.”
“And he’s putting himself at your mercy because he can’t help it. He’s completely crazy about you.”
I think of Seth in the nude, open and vulnerable, and it takes everything I’ve got to not burst into tears.
“I’m kinda crazy about him, too,” I finally manage to say it.
Edie smiles and shakes our joined hands. “Now you just need to be brave, too.”
****
Following the afternoon conference session, I feel completely wiped out.
I didn’t get to talk to Seth after lunch and he didn’t show up for any of the talks, so by the time I’m back in my room after the program is done for the day, I’m filled with dread that he gave up on me and went back home to Philly.
Because I’ve managed to break this wonderful thing we’d just started to build.
But I need to be brave and I need to be sure. I have to talk to him.
I briefly debate if I should call his room, or maybe email him. After a few deep breaths, I decide to text him, because anything else sounds a little nuts. I pull up my phone and hope he still has the same number as he did in grad school.
Seth, it’s Billie. Can we talk?
As soon as I send the message, there’s a knock on the door.
I open, and it’s Seth, holding his phone.
He looks worried and tired and handsome, and guarded and oh so hopeful. “You wanted to talk to me?”
I swallow hard. “I did. I do.”
“I want to talk to you, too.” His eyes roam my face, his body coiled with tension. Like he’s ready to pounce, barely holding himself back.
“Come on in,” I say in a shaky voice, stepping aside to let him in.
I offer him to sit in the swivel desk chair, the only chair in the room. I sit on the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“What? Why?”
“For freaking you out yesterday. I ... I assumed we were on the same page. I didn’t take into account you’d been hurt pretty badly in your marriage and that you might not want anything serious.”
I nod and open my mouth to speak but he puts his hand up, so I remain mum.
“I’m willing to wait however long you need, Billie. But I won’t be on the periphery of your life. I’ve put out some feelers and I have several leads about jobs in Raleigh.”
My eyes widen.
“So I am moving to Raleigh no matter what, and when you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”
Joy surges through my body, mixed with limb-weighing relief. “Thank you,” I whisper.
“No need to thank me. I love you and I am not giving up. I believe in us.” He smiles. “I’m actually being pretty selfish here.”
I wring my hands in my lap, still unable to meet his eyes. “I ... I talked to Edie today,” I say. “I think I got a better idea why what you said scared me.”
“Tell me.”
“Yeah. It’s my old insecurities and, ironically, how much I like you.”
He grins. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I like you a lot. I care about you a lot. And that brings up some ... not great things about me. And makes me afraid.”
Seth nods thoughtfully.
“But I am sure I want to try. And do this thing with you. Properly.”
He leaps and grabs me by the waist, pulling me off the bed. “You do?” I’ve never seen a person smile so broadly. His whole face beams.
“I do. I’m not going to be scared.” I sniffle, losing a battle with sappiness.
He wraps me in a tight hug, whispering into my hair, “We’re gonna be so happy. So happy. You’ll see.”
I smile, that knot in my gut finally loosening all the way. “I can’t wait.”