Chapter 16
Sixteen
Amanda
I wake to the feel of soft lips pressing against my temple.
For a split second, I don’t know where I am.
The room is dim, washed in that bluish-gray light that comes just before sunrise.
The air smells faintly of salt and sunscreen, and there’s the distant hush of waves rolling onto the shore beyond the windows of our beachfront rental.
Then my eyes pop open, and everything comes crashing into me all at once.
Florida.
Sharing a room with Will and Mia.
Will asking, in that careful, almost fragile voice last night, if he could hold me.
Me giving in to temptation.
Again.
My breath catches as awareness settles over me.
His arm is draped heavily around my waist, warm and solid, his palm splayed against my stomach like he was afraid I might disappear in the night.
My back is pressed against his chest, and I can feel the steady rise and fall of his breath, the slow rhythm ghosting across the nape of my neck. The sheets are tangled around our legs.
“Morning.” His raspy, sleep-laced voice meets my ears.
The sound of it sends a small, traitorous shiver down my spine. It’s low and rough, like he hasn’t fully woken up yet, like I’m the first thing he’s choosing to acknowledge, and well, I guess I am.
I swallow. “Morning.” My voice comes out softer than I intend, with a slight rasp from sleep.
Mia shifts in her Pack ’N Play. The unit gives a quiet squeak, and my heart leaps into my throat. I freeze, every muscle going rigid. Will’s arm tightens instinctively around me, his fingers flexing as if to steady me, or maybe to steady himself.
We’re both still as we listen. Mia exhales, long and even, and then goes still again.
I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
Will’s nose brushes lightly against my hair. “You’re tense,” he murmurs.
“I’m nervous,” I whisper back. The reality of where we are, that we slept in the same bed, risking being caught, spikes my adrenaline. The line between right and wrong in this instance is thin, and we keep crossing it, pretending as if we haven’t.
He doesn’t respond right away. His thumb starts tracing circles against my stomach, beneath my sleep shirt, slow and absentminded. It’s such a small touch, but it feels intimate in a way that makes my chest ache.
“If you regret it, I don’t want to know,” he whispers. “I wouldn’t trade last night, holding you and getting to wake up with you in my arms, for anything. I knew what I was asking for, and I don’t want to forget it happened, or take it back.”
I know he did. That’s what makes it worse, because I wanted him to hold me.
While my anxiety now that I’m awake is at an all-time high, I can’t find it in me to regret it either.
And that is not good news for either of us.
One of us needs to remain level-headed about whatever this is, and that it can’t happen, no matter how badly we want it to.
I close my eyes briefly, leaning back despite myself, just enough to feel him more fully behind me. “I know.” But knowing doesn’t seem to change anything.
Outside, a gull cries sharply, and sunlight begins to slip through the crack in the curtains, painting thin gold lines across the carpet.
In a few minutes, Mia will wake up. We’ll get dressed, go down for breakfast, and pretend like last night never happened.
We’ll attempt to act normal, as if we didn’t break any rules.
I’ll pretend like we didn’t gravitate toward one another in the dark.
I’ll ignore the fact that I can still feel his goodnight kiss against my temple as we fell asleep.
I’ll have to act like I’m not acutely aware of how my body fits perfectly next to his.
Will shifts slightly, propping himself up on one elbow behind me. I can feel his gaze on my face, searching. “Are you okay?” he asks.
It’s such a simple question. I stare ahead at the pale strip of sunlight creeping higher up the wall.
My heart feels too big for my chest, crowded with things I don’t want to name.
I want to tell him I’ve never been more okay, and while that’s true, I’m also scared, and the guilt of lying like this with my best friend’s dad is a constant heaviness on my chest.
“Ask me that after coffee,” I say lightly, even though it’s anything but light.
His quiet laugh rumbles against my back, warm and familiar. “Deal.”
But neither of us moves.
Not yet.
Once we leave this bed, we have to go back to just being acquaintances, roommates for the vacation, and we have to pretend like there’s nothing between us.
We both want to savor this moment, this connection, for as long as we can.
We want to pretend that even beyond the walls of this bedroom, we’re together.
My marriage to Ethan made me good at pretending.
However, I never felt for my ex-husband what I feel for the man holding me in his arms, as if I were something precious to him.
I loved Ethan. It was a young love that grew and then dissipated very soon after.
This… I can’t name it. No, that’s not true.
I’m afraid to name it. I think about him all the time.
I crave his touch and feel as though I’m starved for his kisses.
Mia starts to babble, and I know my time with him is over. I need to tend to my daughter, put on my game face, and join everyone else. I have to act like my heart’s not invested in this man. Because even though I can’t say the words out loud, I can at least admit them to myself.
“I’ll get her,” he says, pressing his lips to my cheek.
“You don’t have to,” I say, but he’s already climbing out of bed and moving.
“Good morning, sweetheart,” he says, lifting her into his arms. Mia snuggles into him, and he hugs her tightly.
“Did you sleep well?” he asks her, going back to the side of the bed he just got out of.
He sits with his back propped up against the headboard.
Mia lifts her head and smiles when she sees me but makes no move to leave her spot with Will.
“She loves you,” I tell him.
Will’s eyes find mine. He swallows hard, nods, then turns my world upside down when he says, “I love her too. Seems like the Holton ladies have a thing about wrapping me around their little fingers.” He kisses Mia’s head, but his eyes never leave mine.
I blink back tears before forcing my gaze from him to my daughter. “Morning, sweetie.”
“Mommommom,” Mia chatters, and my heart flutters in my chest.
“Come here, you.” I sit up and reach for her.
She comes to me with glee. “Mommy loves you,” I tell her, kissing all over her face, before wrapping her into a tight hug.
She squirms away from me and moves back to Will.
Climbing onto his lap, she kisses him, right on the lips, before dropping to her butt and crawling back to me, doing the same thing.
“You’re giving out all the love today, huh? ” I ask her, and she just giggles.
“Why don’t you take your time getting ready? I’ll take Mia downstairs and get her some breakfast,” Will offers.
This man is offering so much of himself for us, but I have to start building my wall back up after letting it crumble to the ground last night. “Thank you, but I’ll take her into the shower with me and meet you downstairs. You can shower first.”
He hesitates before nodding. He leans over, kisses Mia’s cheek, and then softly presses his lips to mine.
My breath hitches as Mia claps. She reaches for Will, but I pull her into a hug to distract her, or to keep myself from reaching for him, too, as he climbs off the bed, grabs some clothes, and heads for the shower.
Once the door closes, I scramble off the bed, placing Mia on the floor.
I quickly slip into a bra, take my hair down from the knot it was in while I slept, only to redo it.
I grab Mia and her favorite blanket. I need to put some distance between us, and sitting on that bed, thinking about him naked just behind the door, that’s not what I need.
Instead, I softly open the bedroom door, closing it just as quietly, and make my way downstairs.
“Morning,” Landry says with a lazy grin as he feeds Ella her bottle. “Looks like you have an early riser too.”
“I do. I wanted to give Will some privacy to get ready for the day.”
He nods. “Yeah, I wanted Rowan to sleep in, so we snuck out, too, didn’t we, Ella?” he coos at his daughter.
I get busy making Mia some breakfast, sitting her in her portable high chair, before popping two big pans of cinnamon rolls into the oven. Landry and I make small talk, and slowly, the kitchen fills as everyone wakes up.
Will stops next to me. Close enough I can feel the heat of him, but far enough away no one would suspect why he’s standing so close.
He bends down and says good morning to Mia, and his hand settles on the small of my back.
We’re standing off to the side, so I know that no one can see him.
He taps twice before removing his hand. “The bathroom’s all yours,” he says, loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Thanks.” I scoop Mia up, reaching for her chair, but Will steps in.
“I’ll wipe that up. You ladies go on and get ready for the day.” He takes the tray off the chair and moves to the sink.
I force myself not to watch him as he once again steps in to take care of us.
Instead, I smile at Mia. “All right, stinky butt, let’s get you cleaned up.
” I bounce her on my hip, making her laugh.
My eyes find Bellamy’s, who’s smiling at me.
“I’ll be back,” I tell her, before turning and rushing upstairs to get ready for the day.
In the bathroom, I ignore the scent of his body wash, a smell I’ve come to associate with only him, and quickly rush through a shower for Mia and me so we can join everyone back downstairs.