44. Ivy Thompson
IVY THOMPSON
I t takes me a moment to pluck up the courage to enter Finn’s hospital room. My shaking fingers raise to the door, and I push myself in before his green eyes settle on me. I enter quietly, allowing the door to shut as I walk to the end of his bed.
Finn’s chest shudders as he studies me with dark bags under his eyes and cracked lips. It hurts to see him like this, a spear to the chest, but something inside me is pulling me back.
“Ivy,” he croaks with watery eyes. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
My lips purse and I look down. His gaze is far too intense for my liking.
“I wish I knew why I did it, but?—”
“You must have known why you did it,” I say, snapping my head back towards him. “Because you continued to lie about it.”
Finn swallows as he watches me. “Ben wasn’t good enough for you.”
“So you decided to make up a lie that made me look like a cheater?”
He curses and covers his hand with the cannula hanging out the back. “No, I didn’t do it to hurt you. You deserved better. I wanted better for you, but my plan backfired. I just wanted someone who actually cared for you.”
I sniffle and fold my arms over my chest. “Why didn’t you talk to me about it?”
“I tried,” he admits. “But you thought I was just trying to cause a rift between you.”
My eyes narrow at him. “You brought it up once, and you never said anything about him not being good enough for me. All you said was that you didn’t like it, and I decided to ignore you because that’s not a good enough reason to break up with someone.”
I stare back at my brother as he sinks into the pillows.
“What’s the real reason you wanted us to break up?”
Finn’s mouth remains closed for a moment, and I tilt my head at him.
“Tell me, Finn.”
He heaves a heavy breath. “We went to a party on the other side of town, and he thought he was being clever and sneaky, but I saw him flirting and getting close with other girls,” he admits, his gaze lowering.
“I don’t know what else happened, but I didn’t like it.
I confronted him about it, and we almost got into a fight, but he said what he was doing was friendly and that he loved you. I hated his guts after that.”
I flinch from his words. “Why didn’t you just tell me that instead?”
“Because I knew you wouldn’t have believed me. You would have assumed I was only saying it to get between the two of you.”
My forehead creases at his words. “I would have believed you because you’re my brother.”
His lips part, inhaling a breath. “I went about it in the wrong way.”
I don’t respond, sweeping my gaze over his face.
“And I’m sorry.” His voice cracks. “I wasn’t thinking. I should never have lied and made you the bad guy. If I knew what he was going to do, I wouldn’t have ever said anything.”
I shudder at the devastation in his voice.
Finn blinks, and a tear rolls down his cheek.
“I’ve lived with this guilt for years, and every time I see your face, I’m reminded of what I’ve done.
I almost lost you because I stupidly made up a rumour to get you away from him, when I should have just told you the truth.
I don’t know what I was thinking. I was fucking desperate, and I’ll live with that regret for the rest of my life. ”
“Finn—”
“No,” he breathes out sharply. “Let me finish.”
I manage a nod.
“You might hate me,” he whispers beneath his flooding tears.
“I want you to hate me for what I’ve done and what I’ve caused you, but I want you to know that I have hated myself every single day since I lied to them.
I knew what I did, and as time went on, I struggled to tell the truth because of the shame that swarmed me.
That’s why I bury myself in alcohol to make the pain go away, to make me forget that I’m a bad person, to make me forget that I almost lost you. ”
My throat aches as I attempt to swallow. “You’re not a bad person. You just made a really bad choice.”
“I am,” he shoots back at me, eyes burning. “I’m a fucking monster, Ivy. I won’t blame you if you never want to speak to me again for what I’ve done. I deserve it.”
Two more tears roll over his cheeks, and it cracks my heart into pieces.
“I want you to get better,” I confess.
Finn’s gaze strains.
My lips roll together as I take a step closer to his bed. “You need help, Finn. We’ve been trying to tell you for months, but you don’t want to listen. And just now you’ve admitted you use alcohol to push away your pain and make you forget. That isn’t healthy. You need professional help.”
He glances away and raises his hand to brush his tear-stained cheeks.
“You had to have your stomach pumped,” I continue. “You could have seriously hurt yourself last night, Finn. We could have lost you.”
“Probably would have been for the better,” he mumbles.
I stare at him incredulously until he finds my eyes again. “Why would you say something like that?”
Finn shakes his head.
“You might have done what you did, but you’re still my brother, and I still love you.”
He squeezes his eyes shut, as if the words are too painful for him.
“I want to see you get better,” I grind out between my teeth. “I don’t want to see you give up or end up drunk in a ditch somewhere no one can find you. I want my brother back. I need him. Don’t you want to get better? I know you don’t want to keep relying on alcohol the way you do.”
Finn curses and rolls his head to look up at the ceiling, eyes glossy. “They want me to go to a rehabilitation centre,” he grumbles with a clenched jaw.
“It’s probably the best place for you. Then you can talk to professionals and get a therapist, and try to work through everything in your head. I want to see you get better, and I want you to want to get better. Because this isn’t you, and I want you back.”
“It’s not going to help.” He blows out an exasperated breath.
“It won’t with an attitude like that.”
Finn wipes his eyes once more.
“If you don’t do this,” I say after a moment of silence. “Then I don’t know what will be left of our relationship.”
He whips his head towards me. “What?”
“I’m not threatening you,” I shake my head.
“But you need to work this through with someone and figure out your own head. I want to see you get better, but I can’t guarantee that if you continue on like this, that I’m going to be there time and time again when I’m literally begging you to get help. ”
He buries his head into his hands. “Fuck.”
“Please, Finn. Please. You can’t keep going on like this. Mum and Dad are in pieces. You need to see that you need help.”
He glances away as another tear rolls down his cheek.
“This could have ended up far worse, and I don’t want to see you in this position again,” I whisper. “Please think about it. For yourself. I know you’re not pleased about it, but there is no shame in getting help. We will all support you through it.”
“I don’t want to lose you,” he breathes.
My lips tremble. “Then do this for yourself. Please.”
Finn turns back to look at me, fear evident in his eyes. When I think he’s not going to say anything more, he eventually says, “Okay.”