Chapter 27
MADDIE
Because I love you, and I hate the fact that I don’t get to tell anyone that.
I love you, Madison. God, I fucking love you, and I know it’s too fucking early to drop that on you, but that’s why I can’t keep doing this.
It had been a week since Matt dropped his ultimatum on me, but my brain kept playing back his admittance of love. Why hadn’t I said anything? I had been so startled at the confession that it jumbled my brain. Then he broke up with me. I hadn’t heard from him since that night, and each time I tried to reach out to him, I froze up.
I had been avoiding going to my brother’s. I told Dinah I was busy with school and asked her to cut down on my workload. I tried to bury myself in school and hockey, but everyone on my team saw that something was off with my game. Especially tonight.
“KENNEDY!” Elsa shouted at me from across the ice, pulling me from my distracted thoughts.
I shook my head but realized I fucked up by dropping the pass, and our opponent got possession of the puck. My head had not been in the game lately, and it showed.
I hustled through the play and went back to the bench for the change-up. I didn’t look at my teammates, already knowing they weren’t happy with me. I was like a robot on the ice for the rest of the game.
We ended up losing 3-1, and Elsa was pissed. Ice Queen was in full force tonight, and I didn’t care. I stripped out of my gear and changed into gym clothes so I could shower in my more comfortable bathroom at my dorm.
I left in a huff, not bothering to even give my teammates any sympathetic looks as I walked out. Coach would probably call me into his office to ask me what was wrong with me soon. Not looking forward to that conversation.
It was cold on the walk home, and I wished the skating rink wasn’t such a far walk, but my car was still back home in Winnipeg. I was debating bringing it to campus after I went home for break. Parking was a nightmare in the city, and with public transportation and access to my brother’s rideshare account, I could manage without. I had been avoiding using Noah’s account, though, because that would lead to questions about what was going on with me.
I was trying so hard not to think about Matt, but he filled my brain every second of every day. I was so scared of what Noah would do to him. If I expressed my fears, maybe he would have listened to me and agreed to hold out longer.
Almost getting caught on Thanksgiving had been a wake-up call. Matt was right; we couldn’t keep doing this. I had two choices—continue to be miserable without him, or tell my brother and hope he didn’t murder my boyfriend.
I missed the way he held me in his arms, or how he purred ‘sweet pea’ at me, or even how he smiled at me when he watched me work. I missed everything about him, and I hated that I didn’t tell him I loved him back. Because I did. I loved him with every fiber of my being, but I was too scared to tell him.
I tried to press the thoughts to the forgotten part of my brain, but they kept nagging me. They continued to nag me when I got inside my suite and while I showered. They didn’t let me concentrate when I crawled into bed with a spicy romance book. Especially when I realized it was one of the ones Matt had bought me the day he took me to the bookstore.
There was a knock on my bedroom door, and I looked up to see Ari’s colorful head pop in. Then Kiira’s blonde head peeked over, too, with Elsa coming up behind her.
What the fuck?
I wiped my eyes and sat up in my bed. “Um, hi?”
“You looked like shit on the ice tonight,” Elsa said coldly.
Kiira nudged her. “E!”
Elsa shrugged. “What? It’s true.”
She wasn’t wrong. Harsh, but sometimes the truth hurt.
“What’s your point?” I asked.
Ari stepped into my room and opened my closet. She threw some clothes down on the bed. “Get dressed. We’re going out.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Um, excuse me?”
“We’re going out!” Kiira cheered. “Now get dressed because you don’t have a choice.”
“Kiira’s idea,” Ari said with a shrug that said, ‘what can you do?’
“I’m not doing that,” I protested.
“Um, yes, you are because you dropped such a simple pass tonight, and I’ve never seen a worse pylon on the ice,” Elsa said.
Now that sounded like the Elsa I knew.
Ari pulled me off the bed. “Get dressed, and then you can tell us what’s going on with you.”
I had a feeling the three of them might have held me down on the bed and made me get dressed if I didn’t do it. Or Kiira would have carried me over her shoulder and taken me in my pajamas.
I groaned and got out of bed. “Fine.”
Ari shuffled them out of my room and shut the door behind her. I dressed quickly, throwing my hair up in a messy bun, not caring how I looked. I didn’t even put makeup on. I grabbed my jacket, and they ushered me out of the suite.
I couldn’t help but grin when I saw Ari slip her hand into Kiira’s. They were a cute couple but comical-looking. Ari had that pocket-sized artsy thing about her, and Kiira was like an Amazon, but they worked. I had to talk to Ari about how that happened later.
I wrapped my arms around myself as we walked together toward Local Hangout. When we got to the bar, it was packed as always. Elsa spoke with the host to nab the first available table while Kiira brought over shots for us to do.
I groaned. “Are you serious?”
“Just do it, Kennedy!” Elsa snapped. I watched, impressed with the way she downed it like it was water. I was already scared of Elsa, but now even more so.
“Do it! Do it!” Kiira chanted.
I rolled my eyes and downed the shot to her amusement. I set the glass down and pressed a hand against my chest as the alcohol burned all the way down.
The host walked over to us and told us our table was ready. She walked us over to one, and the four of us squeezed into a booth. The server who was always working came around, and we ordered beers. Except for Elsa, who ordered the most fruity drink imaginable.
“What?” she asked. “There’s way more alcohol in this than a boring beer.”
“So…” Kiira started.
“So, what?” I asked.
“Why did you forget how to score a goal?” Elsa asked.
The girls laughed. Elsa did not mince words, and I had to admire her bluntness.
“Because she’s not getting laid,” Ari said.
I glared at her. How did she know that?
Ari shrugged. “The Bulldogs only had one away game this week. And…our walls are thin.”
I felt heat color my face. That thought had never occurred to me.
Kiira burst out in laughter.
“What happened with Matt?” Elsa asked.
I sighed. “It’s complicated.”
“Did your brother find out?” Ari asked.
I shook my head. “No. That was the problem.”
Kiira took a sip of her beer. “Were you still sneaking around?”
I nodded.
Elsa frowned. “Matt didn’t like that, huh?”
I sighed and gulped down my beer. It was nice they wanted to talk it out, but my thoughts were such a mess, I didn’t know what to do.
“Maddie,” Ari started. “What happened?”
“We broke up,” I muttered.
Kiira made a face. “Why?”
I let out a long, drawn-out sigh. “He didn’t want to be with me if we didn’t tell my brother. He doesn’t understand!”
“Then explain it to us,” Ari said gently.
So, I did.
I told them the reason I transferred to Franklin in the first place and then how my brother dropped the gloves with the guy who did it. How I was so afraid of what Noah would do when he found out his teammate, who he had taken under his wing, was fucking his little sister. I explained that Matt told me he loved me but then dropped the impossible ultimatum on me before storming out.
Afterward, Ari gave me a sad smile, but Kiira looked confused. Elsa had her arms crossed over her chest and looked pissed.
“So let me get this straight…you love each other but…you’re too much of a coward to tell your brother, ‘hey, by the way, I’m dating Matt. Get over it’? Sounds like a load of bullshit.”
Ari gave me a knowing look. “She has a point. I don’t understand the problem.”
I gulped.
“You didn’t tell him,” Kiira said for me.
I dropped my eyes to the table in front of me, guilt wrapping itself tight around my heart.
“Oh, Maddie,” Ari sighed.
“You gotta tell him,” Kiira insisted.
I looked up at the TV above the bar. The team was in Boston tonight for an away game. They were winning so far, but I had to tear my gaze away. I hadn’t been able to bear to watch a game since Matt and I broke up.
“Get over yourself,” Elsa scoffed. “You love each other. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“My brother will murder him,” I argued.
She shook her head. “That seems like an excuse.”
I looked around at the girls, and they all had similar looks on their faces.
“You love him, right?” Ari asked.
“So much,” I whispered.
“Then that’s settled. Tell him you love him, tell your brother so you can get back to getting laid and stop fucking up on the ice,” Elsa said and took a huge swig of her drink.
I stared back at her. If only it was that simple.
“I–”
She cut me off with a glare. “Fuck off with that brother bullshit. You’re scared.”
“What?”
“She’s right,” Ari said. “You”re afraid of your feelings that you’re making your brother an excuse to drive a wedge in between you when you don’t need it.”
Kiira nodded in agreement.
I took in all their words and drank the rest of my beer. I loved Matt. I did, with all my heart and soul. Maybe I was scared. I needed to think more about this.
“Can we talk about that shitty game now?” Elsa asked.
I groaned.
Kiira laughed. “Is that all you think about?”
Elsa shrugged and pointed at me. “She’s the best player on the team, and she showed up tonight like she forgot how to skate!”
Ari looked a little lost at the conversation switch to hockey talk.
“E, if anyone needs to get laid, it’s you,” Kiira teased.
Elsa bristled at that. “I’m fine.”
“Do you miss Ty?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No. We knew our relationship was over a long time ago. We’ve been together since fifth grade. We didn’t even know ourselves yet.”
“Oh. Matt seems to think?—”
She groaned. “Matt’s so romantic. He thinks we’re pining for each other. We’re not! I assure you, we’re not.”
I held up my hands.
“Enough relationship talk. We gotta talk about getting better on the power play.”
We all shook our heads at Elsa.
“Never change, E, never change,” Kiira said.
We let her rant about how shitty we played, and I felt a lot of the guilt fall on my shoulders. I was half paying attention as I looked at my phone, hoping that maybe Matt had reached out, but he hadn’t. I wanted to text him, but my fear still froze me with inaction. Maybe the girls were right to say I was scared, but I wasn’t ready for what that all meant.