Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Bax
“Daddy, can we keep him?”
Athena jumped up from the couch when I came down the stairs. I was so exhausted, I actually thought for two seconds about sliding down on my ass. Bea hadn’t come back yet, and I could only imagine what Brand had to say when she told him everything that had happened.
“Athena,” I warned. She couldn’t know what this was doing to me. Things always looked so simple in her eyes.
Merv looked up at me when she heard the tone of my voice.
Athena ignored it and insisted, “Stu needs a home, Daddy. If Uncle Dixon isn’t comin’ back, it’s up to us.”
“Apparently, my house ain’t an option,” Merv muttered bitterly.
“Mama, don’t you start. This has nothin’ to do with you. And the next time you decide to pull my daughter out of school, you had better call me first.”
“She needed to be here. This involves the whole family, and it has everything to do with me,” she yelled in a whisper, trying not to wake the baby, but he startled in her arms. “He’s my grandson!”
The poor thing probably hadn’t had a full belly in a long time, maybe never, and now that he did, he slept like the d?—
“Mama, I don’t have any say in the matter. It’s not up to me. We’ll have to hire a lawyer to figure it all out, but for now, we’re gonna follow Dixon’s instructions to the letter so it doesn’t come back to bite us in the ass later. You hear me?”
“Fine.”
“So we’re keepin’ him?” Athena asked. God, there was so much hope in her voice.
“For now,” I answered. “But Athena, I can’t be his dad. You know that, right?”
“Why can’t you?”
“I… I just can’t.”
“So you want him to go to people we don’t even know?” Athena argued. She planted her hands on her hips. “Your answer’s not good enough. Make me understand, Daddy.” She plopped back down onto the couch, her irritation with me giving her attitude. “’Cause right now, I don’t.”
“Me neither,” Merv said. She stared me down but pushed with her shoes on the floor, rocking gently in my chair, and the baby settled. “You’ve been lost for three years, but here’s a map right here.” She looked at the baby and lifted him up, like an offer at some altar.
“No,” I said. “Don’t you dare offer that to me. I didn’t deserve it the first time and look what happened. Besides, he’s not mine. I can’t.”
“Son—”
“ Goddammit , Mama, I said no. I can’t fuckin’ do it! He’s not my kid. He can’t replace what we’ve lost. I’ve already let Athena down. Don’t make me let him down too.”
“Daddy,” Athena said softly, “you didn’t let me down. You’ve been grievin’. You were sad.”
“So were you, and I left you alone with this.” I sat next to her on the couch and set my crutches to the side. “I never talk about your mama. I never let you talk about her. I don’t deserve you either.”
“Yes you do! And you’re talkin’ about Mama now. Just the other day, you told me I looked like her. But it’s not Mama’s memory I’m worried about. I know it makes you sad that we lost the baby, but Daddy, he never got to be born. If we don’t talk about him, who will remember him?”
“What is there to remember, Athena? We didn’t know him. I never got to hold him. I don’t even know what his voice sounded like.”
Sobs worked themselves up behind my heart. I’d never said these words to Athena, and it hurt more than I expected. I curled my shoulders to keep the anguish trapped inside me, still trying to protect my little girl from all the shit in my head.
I was trying to hold onto my sadness so it couldn’t leave the same way the people I loved had.
“You’re right,” Athena said, and she slid off the couch and knelt in front of me.
She reached out and held my face between her hands, making me look up.
“But I remember how he made you smile and laugh when he’d kick Mama’s tummy.
I remember the look on your face the day you guys told me I was gonna be a big sister.
You were so proud. You had so much love inside you, Daddy. Where’d it go?”
I held her face between my hands too. “Baby, it’s not gone.
It didn’t go anywhere, it’s just that it hurts.
I’ve only got room in here for you.” Pulling her hand from my face, I placed it over my heart.
“I can’t love that baby. If somethin’ happened to any of you, I don’t think I could handle that.
And what if someone comes to take him away?
We don’t even know if he’s really our family. ”
“Daddy,” Athena said quietly, “he is. Just look at him. He looks just like Uncle Dixon. He looks just like you . He’s ours.”
“She’s right,” Mama said.
“There’s love all around you,” Athena said softly, pleading with me now. “Bea loves you too. All you have to do is open your eyes and take it, and we can be a family again.”
When I pictured it, when I saw all that love she talked about, I thought I might die on the spot. My heart beat so fast. Bile rose up the back of my throat, and all those happy imaginings faded quickly because all I could see was the broken man left in the aftermath when it all got ripped away.
I dropped my hands. “No!”