Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Bea
“Will you drive me somewhere?” Athena asked when I pulled up in front of Bax’s house and found her sitting on the porch stairs in the sunshine, with red, swollen eyes.
“Sure.”
“Now?”
“Should we let your dad know?—”
She sighed. “He doesn’t care right now.”
Merv poked her head out the kitchen door, her shrewd eyes locking on mine. “Can you come in here, please?”
Standing in front of her in Bax’s kitchen, I felt like an imposter, like I didn’t belong anywhere near this house. Bax was nowhere to be found, but Merv was front and center, holding the Lee family together by a flimsy thread.
Did she have any clue how deeply I’d fallen for her son and granddaughter?
I couldn’t have cared less what she thought about my job or my ability to do it well, but the thought of disappointing her if I walked away from Bax and Athena now bit at my confidence like hungry piranhas in some jungle river.
“It’s okay,” she said, still holding the baby and rocking him gently in her arms while she bottle fed him. “Please get Athena out of here for a while. She needs a break.”
The tables had turned, though, because now Merv was asking something of me, begging really. She was just as confused and worried as Bax, but now she wanted my help.
“Bax is asleep upstairs. He needed some time, too, and they’re just buttin’ heads anyway. She’ll probably want to visit her mama’s grave. Do you know where the cemetery is?”
“No.”
“Athena does. She can give you directions.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“Thank you, Bea. Thanks for lookin’ out for my family.”
Smiling, I patted Stu’s bare foot sticking out of his blanket. At least one good thing had come from all this pain and confusion. I wouldn’t make the mistake of thinking Merv and I were friends now, but maybe we understood each other a little better.
Back on the porch, I waved my arm, dangling my keys in my other hand. “C’mon, Athena.”
She climbed into my truck and snapped her seatbelt in place, and as I shut her door and walked around to my side, I felt her sadness and hopelessness like it was a heavy mist surrounding us.
“Where would you like to go?”
“The cemetery.”
“Okay. Can you show me where it is?”
“Yeah,” she said. “It’s on the other side of town, out past the Duck & Bowl.”
“What is a Duck & Bowl?”
“It’s a bowlin’ alley with ducks,” she said, like that made it all make sense.
“Oh. Sure. ’Course it is.”
As I drove, Athena was quiet. Unnervingly so, but I knew, like me, she’d talk when she was ready.
“I’m here,” I said quietly, “if you wanna talk.”
She nodded as she stared, unseeing, out her window, and we made our way through her hometown.
Wisper, Wyoming was a cute little place.
Every time I’d driven through, it felt almost like I’d stepped back in time.
There were maybe only five or six stoplights lining the main drag, and lots of quaint avenues and lanes lined with big trees, old cottages, and newer log cabin-style homes.
The streets seemed familiar with names like Lincoln, Washington, and Main, and people walked and strolled down every one of them, despite the growing cold in the air.
We drove by a busy diner, where a line formed at the door and wound halfway down the block.
We passed the library and a charming bookshop, Your Local Bookie, which I knew was owned and run by Rye’s girlfriend, Aubrey.
And we passed Devo’s community center, Ace’s House, a big, brick, three-story building set in the middle of town.
The afternoon was sunny but crisp, and everywhere I looked, I saw happiness and the world passing us by.
Athena led where she wanted to go, and when we passed through the cemetery’s gates, the snow-capped mountains loomed around us like wardens sent to protect all the secrets buried beneath the ground.
“Park right here.”
Pulling to the side of the gravel lane, I listened to the gravel pop and crackle beneath my tires as I slowed, and Athena pushed open her door with great effort when I parked.
Sadness slowed her movements and made them heavy, and I watched as it crossed over her face. I wouldn’t cry for her. Not in front of her, but holding back tears was proving to be harder than I’d imagined it would, and the lump in the back of my throat was making it hard for me to swallow.
I never went to the cemetery back home, not since my dad’s funeral. I had to pass it nearly every day on my way to work or the grocery store, but I’d always forced my eyes to stay on the road. I hadn’t thought there could be anything good to come from looking back.
I followed Athena silently as she walked along the edge of the cemetery until she cut across the still-green grass and stood in front of a large headstone lying flat in the ground.
“Here they are.” She sat next to it and looked back at me, reaching to touch the rectangular stone with the soft tips of her fingers. “C’mon. I wanna introduce you.”
“Oh. Um. Okay.”
“Granny brings me out here sometimes. And sometimes Aunt Abey takes me for milkshakes after school. We stop at the Dairy Dream on our way here. I guess she knows sometimes a girl needs her mama.
“I know it’s dumb, but sometimes I feel jealous of my brother, ’cause he gets to be with Mama every day.”
When I sat next to her, Athena brushed dried, fallen leaves off the stone. “This is my mama, Candy Adela Lee.” Beneath Candy’s name, I saw Duo’s: Baxton Brennen Lee II. “And this is my little brother. Daddy was gonna call him?—”
“Duo.”
She looked at me. “He told you?”
“Earlier today,” I said. “Yeah, he did.”
“I think he loves you, Bea.”
“Athena, I-I don’t know if this is the right place to?—”
“It’s fine,” she said. “My mama knows you’re here. She watches over me, and I think she’s been watchin’ over Stuey too. I think she brought you into our lives, and I think she wants us to be a family.”
Whoa.
“I know. You think it’s too soon. You’re not sure. You live far away. Blah, blah, blah.”
Yeah, well, that about summed it up.
She stared straight into my eyes, looking for answers from me. “But you love him too, don’t you? You love my daddy?”
I wasn’t sure if I should tell her. I hadn’t even told Bax I loved him yet. I wasn’t sure if I ever would. Was he anywhere near ready to hear it? But I came to the decision that Athena needed the truth. As someone who was already fully aware I loved her dad, she deserved at least that from me.
“I do.”
She nodded. “I knew it.”
“But Athena, it’s not so easy as one, two, three. You know that, right? Just ’cause two people have feelings for each other, it doesn’t mean they can be together. Live together. Be… a family.”
“I know.” She sighed. “But why not?”
“I don’t know the first thing about raisin’ kids,” I said, dipping my head and trying to hold her gaze. Trying to get her to hear the reality coming out of my mouth. “And your dad has his hands full now. The baby could change a lot for him. For you both.”
“You’re right,” she said. “So why not change everything all at once? Why not grab hold of this gift, this happiness? Why not embrace it all?”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Why not?” She plucked at the grass next to the grave and looked away. “I don’t understand.”
“Well, for one thing—and it’s a pretty important thing—I live seven hours away from here. My job is in Sheridan.”
“Yeah, but Uncle Brand said he wants to bring Lee Construction here. Or maybe he’ll start up a second company. I dunno, but he could, and you could work there. Or you could work at the farm with us.”
“I love my job. I’m really good at it. I don’t wanna give it up.”
“Okay, then I’ll just have to convince Uncle Brand to move home. He’ll listen to me.”
“And what if your uncle Dixon comes back and wants to take Stu with him?”
“Well, then at least I’d still have you and Daddy.”
“Oh, sweet girl, you don’t really know me. Your dad barely knows me. How do you know you want me?”
She turned, and tears streaked down her face. “Because I just do! Because I love you, and my daddy loves you. Why won’t you love us back?”
She stood and stormed away, and I rushed to follow.
“Why can’t anybody love anybody around here? I’m sick of it!”
“Athena, wait!”
“No! I wanna go home.”
She stomped her feet into the grass, and I nearly tripped on it and fell on my face, but I used the top of a standing headstone to catch myself and pushed to gain back momentum, apologizing to the unknown dearly departed in my head.
Finally, I caught up to her back at my truck and stopped her from yanking open her door with my hand over hers. “Athena, please just listen.”
“I don’t want to.” She pulled her hand away from mine, refusing to look at me. “I want to go home.”
This was going to take some heavy emoting, something I’d practically sworn never to do again .
Here goes nothing.
“I lost my mama when I was your age.”
That stopped her, and she turned to face me.
“And I lost my daddy when I was nineteen.”
“You did?” she asked, flicking away the tears beneath her blue eyes with two fingers. She looked so much like her dad that my heart squeezed in on itself inside my chest.
I nodded.
“So then, you get it. All I want is a family. Why’s that so bad?”
“It’s not bad at all,” I told her, tucking pieces of her messy hair behind her ear, “but it’s harder than you think.”
“So? Hard doesn’t mean impossible.”
“You’re right,” I said. “It doesn’t. Here, sit down.”
Pulling open her door, I waited for her to get in. When she did and she turned toward me, I tried to explain.
“When my mama died, it broke my daddy in ways I didn’t understand back then. I think I do now. I see the same things in your dad. My daddy loved my mama with all his heart, and I think yours did too.”
“Yeah, he did.”
“Okay, so when a person is lucky enough to have love like that and then they lose it, it’s hard to imagine ever lovin’ someone else. And I can’t even imagine losin’ a child.”
“Did your dad ever fall in love again?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “He wasn’t ready. Some people might never be ready.”
“But my daddy already loves you.”
“You can’t know that. I don’t even know that.”
“But I do know. Haven’t you seen the way he looks at you? Haven’t you noticed that he smiles when you’re around? He laughs. He eats more. He sleeps better. Everything’s better when you’re around.”
“You feel like it’s up to you, don’t you? That you have to keep watch over your dad, that you have to take care of him?”
She nodded. “It’s my job. At the funeral after Mama died, I promised her I would.”
God, that broke my heart. Athena and I had more in common than I wanted to admit.
“I know it feels that way, baby, but it’s not. It’s not up to you. You’re just a kid. It’s not meant to be your responsibility.”
“I’m not a k?—”
“You are,” I interrupted, lifting and holding her hands in mine. “You’re not little anymore, but you’re a kid, and it’s not your job to make sure the adults around you are happy.”
“Then whose job is it?”
“It’s theirs.”
“And if they don’t do their jobs?”
“Then it doesn’t get done,” I said, “but that doesn’t mean it falls on you. Do you think your dad would like to know that you think his happiness is your responsibility? Do you think he wants that for you? It’s a really big job.”
“No,” she whispered. “He probably wouldn’t.”
“You can’t just add a little of this and a little of that to make a person happy. They have to find and accept happiness for themselves.”
She narrowed her eyes and speared me with them. “So if you know this, then why haven’t you accepted it for yourself?”