23. Robin
ROBIN
Asliver of light came through my window.
I pulled the blankets over my head and did my best to push the world away.
Time had begun to blur since that night.
I had lost myself in an endless cycle of video games, delivery food, and going back to bed.
I had no idea how long it had been, but it wasn’t anywhere near enough time to dull the ache in my heart.
I was still so angry. I was angry at the church for existing, at Micah for lying, but more than anything else, I was mad at myself. I should have known better. How did I not see it coming?
My phone buzzed for the hundredth time on my nightstand as I continued to ignore it. Until it buzzed right off my nightstand, hitting a haphazardly balanced pizza box sending crust filing across my room. With a groan I picked them up before taking the pizza box to my kitchen.
I set it on top of another pizza box… that was next to some empty Chinese takeout. I should care, but I just couldn't seem to make myself.
A knock at the door made me jump. Who could that be? Who would be at the ungodly hour of… 4:30 in the afternoon. Yeah, I should have guessed when the sun was coming in from my western facing window.
Through the peep hole I saw the face of my mother. I should have opened it, but instead I just turned and headed back to my room.
“Robin, you have one minute to answer this door or I’m letting myself in.”
I slowed and before turning and making my way back to the door. She would let herself in, I didn’t doubt that.
There is just something about the sight of your mother standing in your doorway with a Tupperware full of cookies and a reusable grocery bag full of something else that gave me a flicker of hope. That was until I saw the look on her face.
I knew that look. That was the look of a conversation not just a dropping off of goodies. Even still there was a part of me that just wanted to lay my head on her lap and let her play with my hair while I told her everything. God, I was pathetic.
She didn’t say anything as she walked into my kitchen and took in the space.
It was like I was seeing it with different eyes too.
Yeah, I’d let it get away from me. The sink was full of dishes.
There were take-out containers on every counter.
I even think there were some noodles on the floor, but I would neither confirm nor deny that.
“Robin, what on earth happened?” she finally said.
“Oh umm… I guess I just haven’t gotten around to cleaning,” I said as I started trying to straighten the trash currently lining every flat surface in my kitchen.
“I’m not talking about your kitchen, sweetheart.”
I turned to face her. It almost hurt to look at her due to the gnawing in my gut. Shame was a fucking bitch. Then she smiled and stroked my arm, and some of the shame fell away.
“I’m talking about the fact that you ran out of Thanksgiving and haven’t been answering your phone for four days.”
“It has not been four days!” Yet as I looked around the kitchen… it very well could have been.
“Honey… what’s going on?”
That was all it took. I walked right into her open arms and cried as she held me.
“Shhh, baby, it’s okay,” she whispered as she gently stroked my hair.
I should be embarrassed, but even in your twenties, sometimes you still just need your mom. Once I was able to hold onto some level of composure I pulled back and looked at her. She just smiled and wiped my tears away.
“Can you tell me what all this is about?”
I moved into the living room snagging the last box of tissue in my house before I plopped on the couch. “It’s that church. I just hate it.”
“Honey, I need to tell you. Your father and I didn’t understand how deep those feelings went. We should have. And even if we didn’t, we should have listened. We are not attending anymore. I’m sorry.”
I just nodded and blew my nose.
“It’s not just that. I mean, thank you, but it’s more than that. It’s Micah,” I said as I swallowed back a sob.
“Micah Nottingham?”
Again, I nodded and blew my nose.
“I had been seeing him since a couple weeks before Halloween. I thought I was falling in love with him only he never told me.”
“What? You love Micah Nottingham? He never told you what? I’m going to need a little more, honey.”
I nodded again, like a damn bobble head and took a deep breath so I could get this all out at once.
“I met him while his band was playing at Trixie’s.
We have been dating. I was falling for him, but he never told me who his family was.
He knew how much I hated the church. I even told him what the church did to Lila and he never told me. He never told me!”
“Excuse me?” The way her head pulled back in indignation soothed something inside of me.
“Yeah, I didn’t know until he sat down across from me at the restaurant.”
Her mouth fell open. After a long pause she said, “No wonder you took off out of there like that. I was wondering why you and Micah never came back, but I would not have guessed this.”
Once again, I just nodded and blew my nose. The tears had to stop sometime, right?
“I just feel so dumb! How could I not see it coming? I thought I loved him, but it was all a lie. How could I have fallen for it? I feel so stupid.”
“Robin, listen to me.” She put her hand on my knee and waited for me to look at her. “You are not stupid! Not in the least. It is not your fault. This is Micah’s fault. He should have told you.”
Her gaze was so steady, she seemed so sure. I wished I was. She wiped away a tear and pulled me into a hug. “Trusting people is a good thing.”
I tried to pull away, but she held tighter, rubbing my back. I gave in, falling into the hug.
“Baby… you stink.”
I pulled back and looked at her shocked. “Mom!”
“Honey, I don’t think you’ve showered in about four days.”
She wasn’t wrong, I still couldn’t believe it’d been four days.
“Why don’t you go get in the shower? I’ll be here when you’re done and we’ll figure out what to do next.”
I went into my bathroom and tried not to glance in the mirror. I had no interest in seeing the bags I knew were under my eyes or my greasy hair. It was best just to get in the shower.
I turned the water to near scalding and got in. Instantly, I did feel a little better. As the ache in my muscles lessened and the grime swirls down the drain with the soap. The water fell over my back, and I leaned my head back, rinsing my hair.
I was starting to feel more human again as I stepped out of the shower. I decided to go all the way with lotion and brushing my teeth… because let’s be honest, I wasn’t sure how long it’d been for that either.
When I stepped out of the bathroom, the smell of chicken and noodles hit me. At that, a genuine smile grew across my face.
I made my way into the kitchen which was now clean. My mom stood at the sink finishing up the last of the dishes while a pot of chicken and noodles simmer on the stove. She turned when she heard me coming.
“There she is. You look like you’ve returned to the land of the living.”
“Thank you, mom,” I went right over to her and hugged her. “You didn’t have to do all this.”
“Hush, I’m your mom and I never get to smother you with my love anymore,” she said, squishing my face and kissing my cheek.
The timer on the oven dinged and my mom turned and pulled out a try of her amazing cheddar biscuits. “Now,” she said as she set them on the stove to cool, “I made you some chicken and noodles and some cookies. But you have to start answering your phone. Are we clear?”
I nodded and picked up one of the hot biscuits, blowing on it as it slightly burned the tips of my fingers. Steam poured out of the soft fluffy center as little strings of cheese pulled.
“Yes, I will. I’m sorry about that.”
“And about the whole Micah situation. I wish there was an easy answer.”
“You and me both,” I said before blowing on the biscuit and popping a bite into my mouth. The cheesy, garlicky goodness hit my taste buds and the comfort hit.
“I just don’t want you to feel like this somehow supports your ideas that the world is bad and people are shit.”
“Mom, did you just cuss?”
“I did.”
An actual laugh came out of me. It felt like it’s been forever since I laughed.
“But I'm serious, Robin. You’ve been skeptical about things since the day you were born, it’s part of your terrifying charm.
But somewhere along the way you got the idea that letting people in was foolish.
It was like somehow trusting people became a weakness.
And then when people make mistakes, as all people will do, you take on that mistake as a reason to build your walls higher. ”
I shoved the rest of the biscuit in my mouth. I didn’t want to hear it because I knew it was true.
“Do you think Micah is untrustworthy, or do you think he made a mistake? Those don’t have to be the same thing?”
I glared at her, but she just tucked my wet hair behind my ears and smiled at me.
“I know you’re right. I’m just so confused.”
“I know baby, you have every right to be. Just don’t beat yourself up over someone else's issues.”
“Thanks mom,” I said before picking up another biscuit.
“Anytime, sweetheart. That’s what I’m here for. Now, I’m going to call you tomorrow to check on you, and if you don’t answer I’m coming back over.”
I hugged her one more time. “I promise. No more dodging your calls.”
“Thank you,” she kissed my cheek before getting her jacket on and getting her purse.
“I love you, chickie.”
“I love you too mom.”
I walked her to the door and as I opened it, I saw some familiar faces. There standing in the hallway about to knock was Belle, Eleanor, and Mel.
“I see I wasn’t the only person whose calls you were dodging,” she said grinning at the women. “Hello girls, you’ll be happy to know Robin has showered.”
“Mother…”
“Goodbye sweetheart.”
And with a kiss on the cheek, she was gone.
“Care to share what is going on?” Mel asked with her arms crossed over her chest.
I just held the door open as they all filed in.
“I’m not gonna lie. I was expecting to come here and find you with a video game controller in your hand wallowing in filth,” Belle said looking around the apartment.
I shrugged. “If you’d gotten here an hour ago, that is what you would have found.”
“Was that you mom?” Eleanor asked.
I nodded. “She got tired of my dodging her calls and came over… and cleaned up and cooked.”
“Seems like a good mom,” Eleanor said.
I just nodded as I grabbed another biscuit from the tray.
“So, do you want to tell us why you’ve been dodging our calls and missing practice?” Mel said, sitting down in the chair next to the couch.
“Oh shit. I didn’t realize I missed a practice… I kind of lost track of time.”
“We don’t care about that. Are you okay?” Belle asked.
“Well, we do care about that,” Mel corrected. “But we care more about how you’re doing.”
There was a part of me that wanted to say I was fine and go on like I wasn’t heartbroken in a shame spiral, but they would never buy it. And if I could be myself with anyone, it was these women.
“Shit kind of went sideway on Thanksgiving.”
“Explain,” Mel said.
“So… I went out to dinner with my parents, and they introduced me to the family that runs Ascension Fellowship.”
Mel shook her head. “I can’t believe they set you up like that!”
“And then they introduced me to their son… Micah!”
The three of them all sat there gaping.
“Micah who?” Eleanor finally asked.
“My Micah! Well, not anymore. Not after that. But the whole thing was kind of a head trip.”
“Holy shit,” Mel said, sitting back in the chair. “I did not see that one coming.”
I gave a rough laugh. “Yeah, me either.”
“So, what happened after you found out?” Eleanor asked.
“Well, there may have been a scene in the parking lot. Some screaming and crying. He came over and tried to explain. Saying he wasn’t like them, he tried to tell me, he’s sorry.”
“Do you believe him?”
I nodded, and damn it, the tears came back.
“Oh Robin,” Belle said, moving closer to me pulling me into a hug.
“I think that's the worst part. I do believe him. I believe he’s not like them and he was too scared to tell me… but he still lied you know?”
I pulled a tissue from the box and wiped at my tears.
“That’s fucked up,” Mel said. Then she pulled another box of tissue out and set them on the table, followed by a box of wine, a container of gummies, and a couple pints of ice cream. “I didn’t know what the vibe would be, but we are here for the night. Take your pick?”
A little while later I had a glass of generic rosé in my hand and the Walking Dead on my TV.
“Is this really your comfort show? Can’t you have picked something like Dirty Dancing?” Belle groaned.
I glared at her before she smiled and sat back.
“And you know what I think is bothering me most about this?” I asked.
They all turned and waited.
“I just feel so dumb. I thought I was falling for him. He seemed like such a great guy. How could I have been so wrong?”
“Don’t do that. We all thought he was a good guy. He fooled all of us,” Mel said.
“And, maybe he is a good guy,” Eleanor said quietly.
Mel turned on her with a glare, and she put her hands up.
“Clearly what he did was fucked up. And you don’t have to forgive him… I’m just saying that sometimes family structures are fucked up. Maybe he really was afraid to tell you.”
I nodded. “Yeah… I get that. And I do believe that he wanted to tell me… but he didn’t.”
“Honey, it’s okay to be sad… or mad… or however you’re feeling. Sometimes you just have to get through it to see what you want to do clearly,” Belle said before giving her hand a squeeze.
A scream from the TV pierced the silence as a zombie attacked someone. I’d been stuck in this loop for days and was ready for a reprieve and a night with my girls. I downed my glass of wine and handed it to Belle who just took it without a word. A few minutes later it was back in my hand full.
And for the rest of the night, we ate the food my mom brought, talked about derby, watched zombies kill people, and tried to ignore my heart break. It was exactly what I needed.
Nothing was fixed yet, but I was feeling better. And for now, that was enough.